Totally Destroyed and Staying at a Motel...What Happened to my LIFE?! Did BM Just Steal My DF? LONG
PLEASE,I need to talk to someone and feel so terribly alone and outnumbered. I feel like my brain is going to explode and my heart has been stomped on.
DF has 2 children from a previous marriage. When he was married to his ex-wife, he had a high-paying job, they lived in a million dollar house (which he loves to brag about), and BM basically lived high on the hog.
He left his job to start his own business. Business went under. She filed for divorce (the children were babies).
Fast forward to now, almost a decade later. He recently lost his job and has been freelancing for a pittance while looking for another job. We have lived with his dad for two years now. We have one child together and a beautiful surprise one on the way. He has been getting some really great bites at some REALLY great jobs, but it just hasn't happened yet.
BM has always been incredibly unfair with his visitation. She uses the kids as leverage and signs them up compulsively for an incredible amount of sports and activities without consulting him, meaning that on our scheduled EOWE, one of them has multiple games that take place on Saturday. BM KNEW this would completely monopolize our visitation with them. They live an hour away. Do the math on travel time and gas. When we do not take him to these games, it is presented like "going to see dad means I don't get to go to my games". This is SO unfair.
She unilaterally makes ALL decisions regarding health care, schools, etc. DF has always been told only after the fact.
My relationship was incredible with SK's until we had our child. Three months before, BM (who has a horrible temper) had some sort of blowout with her long-term BF, moving the kids out in the middle of the night, getting an apartment, then moving back in, etc. One SK has autism and started hitting puberty at the same time. This, coupled with the problems at his home, caused him to start attacking people randomly and just physically going insane, trying to hurt and destroy everything and everyone around him.
Our baby spent 5 days in intensive care before coming home. When SS saw me holding the baby, he lunged across the room at lightening speed before anyone could react and hit our child. He has NEVER been able to do that again, but when DF told BM that he cannot come over until he is medicated and deemed safe (or safer) she went insane, screaming that DF doesn't love the children he already has because he has "a brand new baby".
REALLY???!
Immediately after this, she filed for a child support modification. DF always paid her more than their previous order, I think she was just being spiteful. She knows she got most of what we made. The judge was a horrible guy, annoyed that day because he forgot about their case and thought he was done with court for the day, and awarded BM 100% of DH's income because his freelance work was part time and it was based "on potential earnings".
So now we have absolutely nothing.
SK's have braces at 7 years old, one goes to surf lessons at 150.00 per hour, and now BM wants the son with autism to go to an elite private day school which costs around 25,000 per year. She wants DF to pay for an advocate at $195 per hour with a $1500 retainer just on the off chance that she can get the district to pay for it.
WE HAVE NOTHING RIGHT NOW. I am on freaking medicaid. It wasn't always like this, but it is now.
SO. MY PROBLEM:
DF just finished a mediation that he he initiated because, understandably, he wanted more rights and more control over his visitation.
I spent two days having to emotionally "go there" in all matters DF and BM while helping him prepare for what I thought would be a chance for him to be treated seriously as a parent and have more say in his children's lives.
He comes back from the mediation a different person. I kid you not, a DIFFERENT person. Looking victorious, yes, but also this odd sort of relaxed and happy, energized sort of thing. I had never seen him like this before. Maybe the look one gets when they are in love. The sort of "aw shucks" smile, all of it. Suddenly there were multiple emails from BM.
Multiple phone calls daily with BM.
DF decides he wants stepson with autism for his entire spring break (this is in the place where I live with my baby, and don't forget, SS has severe aggression problems that occur less frequently but with NO WARNING and have hurt grown adults).
THEN I get a forwarded email by DF from BM that the younger SK has a school field trip all day monday and she has to work. Does he want to take him? (It is a SCHOOL field trip. He is a pre-teen. Parents do not have to go, they go as a class).
He told her yes without hesitation, THEN just forwarded that initial email to me without saying anything or discussing it with me.
So, immediately after mediation, husband is absolutely riding an emotional high of something, BM is now EVERYWHERE and communicating with him in every way every day, a full week in my home with my unpredictably violent SS so that I can't even put my baby in a swing to cook or down for a nap out of fear, and after those 7 days an immediate full day with the other SK.
When I asked him if this was a field trip where chaperones or parents were needed to attend and help (like with little kids) he became very angry, saying this is what he wanted and fought for and from now on he plans to attend ALL school-related functions, ALL games, ALL everything.
When I complained about the frequency of the new "phone calls", asking why they can't go through Our Family Wizard, like his attorney recommended based on BM's tricks, he laughed and said this was the way it was going to be from now on, the mediator told them they should talk on the phone, and if I don't like ANY of the new changes, too bad.
TOO BAD.
I don't think I was unreasonable about my questions or concerns. I wanted to understand exactly what happened in that room that changed everything so much SO suddenly. I told him I was overwhelmed by all of the sudden changes and that I do not think his refusing to talk much about the mediation except in vague terms is fair to us as a couple and as a parenting team.
He basically laughed it off, kept laughing off my hurt, told me it was all in my head, there is something wrong with me, any problems with the new "way things are" are obviously only my problems, etc.
It is as if he just....instantly felt no respect for me anymore.
Please understand. I would support him through ANYTHING, and have the whole time, but I CANNOT support this type of disrespect in the way he began to speak to me and treat me.
I am so at a loss.!!!!! He laughed at me one last time and berated me and I tell you, I just lost it. This person had totally changed. TOTALLY changed!
I began to pack and told him I was leaving and he just seemed....nothing. NOTHING! I know we don't have much money. I checked into a motel to lay low and think things out and paid for two days. He hasn't tried to call or email.
I don't know what happened to my relationship and this person. Everything in me screams, SCREAMS "BM is what happened to your relationship". I have brought this up many times since mediation but he completely denies it, laughs it off and tells me I am crazy and this is all in my head.
I don't know what to do.
I would leave. Sorry but your
I would leave. Sorry but your relationship is over. He would rather have peace and family time with his ex. Unfortunately you probably won't be able to resolve this and it sounds like he's okay with all of this. I would move in with relatives with your children and file.
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^ BM has
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^
BM has always been incredibly unfair with his visitation. She uses the kids as leverage and signs them up compulsively for an incredible amount of sports and activities without consulting him, meaning that on our scheduled EOWE, one of them has multiple games that take place on Saturday. BM KNEW this would completely monopolize our visitation with them. They live an hour away. Do the math on travel time and gas. When we do not take him to these games, it is presented like "going to see dad means I don't get to go to my games". This is SO unfair.
She unilaterally makes ALL decisions regarding health care, schools, etc. DF has always been told only after the fact.
You are living my exact life! Scornful BM, stupid mediators, unfair judges and spineless biodad. The whole time you've been the supportive SM only to discover that blood is thicker than water, that biodad WILL bite the SM that feeds him.
Get out now--it doesn't get any better (10.5 years into it) Don't be fooled by any apologies either!!
Reading through this, I can't
Reading through this, I can't imagine the emotional turmoil you're going through.
If you decide that this relationship is worth saving, then the first thing that needs to stop is him gaslighting you. (Definition: manipulate by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.) New rule; there is no such thing as over- or under-reacting, there is only honest reaction.
However, you need to keep in mind that this situation is new. From what you've said, it sounds like he has never had the opportunity to be a real dad to these two kids. He's probably dealing with a lot of anxiety about living up to expectations as well as some excitement about the new experiences.
Maybe you could try setting aside specific times when the two of you can be alone - maybe after the baby is asleep? No distractions. No phone, no email, no nothing. Just bonding time when the two of you can catch up.
You should also have some time for yourself. Let him watch the baby while you go sit and read at a bookstore or go grocery shopping. If he is making time for his other kids, there is absolutely no reason that he can't do that for yours.
You left him in your father's
You left him in your father's house and paid to stay in a hotel. Why didn't you or your dad kick him out.
He was ordered to pay 100% of his income in CS.
Sorry but those two things are making me think Crew.
Omg! He is obviously thinking
Omg! He is obviously thinking more about himself, than the safety of you and your child? I would never let his kid who obviously has severe emotional issues in my house or around me ever!! There's got to be sonething you can do to prevent this from happening? I know that if he has his scary son part of the year, it would lessen the CS? But seriously, what is he thinking? If you take matters in your own hands, and you can prove that his child is a danger to you and your baby, than maybe the courts would settle on a lump sum for CS , and maybe the ex would agree to that, then take out a loan or do whatever it takes to keep that monster and his mother out of your life!! I would much rather see my husband work 2 jobs to pay that ex off than putting up with this dysfunction for the duration of your marriage! Please go talk to an attorney, spend the few hundred to see if this is possible? This child's issues will haunt your marriage and future if they continue to use your husband and manipulate him!
I am so sorry your husband is more interested in winning than the safety of you and your baby!!
HIS fathers house, not her
HIS fathers house, not her fathers house Disney!
And the way I understand it over there CS CAN be based on potential earnings? If the payee is under-earning on what they potentially COULD/SHOULD be earning?
What is Crew? We have been
What is Crew?
We have been living with his father. His dad is elderly and we have both been taking care of him this entire time, handling his medical issues, phone calls, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.
His father would never kick him out. I wouldn't expect him to.
I apologize, I misread the
I apologize, I misread the part about living with his dad. A Crew is a fake story. Some people have joined and told outlandish stories.
You did the right thing by moving out. If BM is receiving 100% of his income, I wonder is going to happen when you apply for CS. :?
Thanks for the update. My
Thanks for the update. My brain is so exhausted I actually googled "Crew acronyms" because I thought it was some internet shorthand that had passed me by. LOL, if I could laugh.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I hate to say it, if you have packed and left and he hasnt tried to contact you at all then you have your answer. Any man that honestly loves you and wants to work at your relationship would fight for you. Sure we can all have our moments of emotional turmoil and may feel that the other needs some space but when it comes to one physically leaving, thats the point you have to really step up if you want to stop that person walking out of your life.
Financial issues can be so damaging, they can cause soo much damage, not only to your general living conditions but also to a persons pride and sense of independence but it is so fundamental for you to bond together and work as a team. If you can work as a team you have a shot at getting through, it reads to me as though you started off that way but now something, for whatever reason has flipped in him and hes not facing things with you at his side as his partner.
Aside from the financial issues, the general issues in regards to his son posing as a potential safety risk to your baby, that is another thing that he just HAS to face together with you. That alone is enough of a reason to be seriously questioning what is going on.
Find yourself somewhere to go, friends, family, somewhere. You will always do better as a single parent than in a relationship with a man who doesnt respect you or treat you as a partner. You deserve that and your children deserve to see that too.
I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of the thoughts. I feel like they are helping so much with giving me perspective. I am desperately trying to find where my "normal compass" is because my emotions are all over the map.
Can someone just change like that? Or do you think certain feelings of his must have been there long before, they are just choosing this time to come out?
I have never felt so lost and he has done so much of this gaslighting stuff that all I have is my intuition and it is part of the reason I am hurting so badly.
No one has ever treated me this way. It hurts so much to see your relationship completely unfold in favor of another right in front of your eyes, SO FAST.
I am holding a baby right now while I am typing and am pregnant. I am so depressed.
If he has been doing this
If he has been doing this gaslight stuff before then you've answered your first question. He feels this way and sadly people don't change, they just get better at hiding things. Some people ignore the signs because they don't want to see them and I can see how you would be excusing his horrible behavior and chalking it all up to financial or BM reasons causing stress. But nobody especially you do not deserve to be treated like this just because he is stressed out.
My heart hurts for you...how
My heart hurts for you...how horrible. Something happened between him and BM...I don't know what, but it did. The fact that he doesn't respect you enough to do anything but laugh at you makes me sick. He is obviously a dick and you can do better.
I read your post to my
I read your post to my partner and we both just want to hug you!
Sometimes people do change, often people change under pressure. You have both been under financial pressure and emotional pressure alongside all the "normal" life stuff, add in a new baby and a pregnancy and damn, theres so much going on that who knows how or why.
But honestly? At this point it doesnt matter how or why, what matters is that you deserve more and your children deserve more, you deserve a partnership in which you are exactly that, an equal partner. So often here you can read about people being frustrated and relationships falling apart because of a lack of respect and a lack of common understanding of the others expectations and desires. End of the day YOU matter, thats without your children. The fact that you have children together should make it more fundamental for you both to be a proper team.
But you know what? If it is that hes clutching some twisted idea about if he gets back involved with the BM then problems are solved then the mans a bloody idiot. Im a big believer that once you have left someone you leave them for good, no second chances when it comes to a relationship break down, if it breaks down to that extent once it will again. So if he is prepared to even think that way after the crap shes pulled then you just need to thank your lucky stars that your relationship with him can end right here right now.
And be thankful that you are engaged not married!
Naturally you are going to feel more keenly as you are pregnant, but its ok to feel hurt, just so long as you take the lesson from this and you use it to pull yourself together and be the best mother you can be to your children.
Ouch. You poor thing. That
Ouch. You poor thing. That has got to hurt. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Take care of yourself & the baby. Find someplace you can go & cry it out. Best of luck to you.
HE needs to leave. If BM gets
HE needs to leave. If BM gets 100% of his income, she is paying for everything any flippin way.
ooo I see, I read that wrong.
ooo I see, I read that wrong. Sorry, I get so fired up over injustice. Lol. Honestly though.
Honestly, he is being a
Honestly, he is being a jerk.
Leave take your kids & get CS from him.
You'll be better off financially without him, literally. & emotionally.
Everyone deserves love & respect in their relationship, he isn't giving that to you & he is mocking & laughing at you on top of that.
I'm not for ending marriages over silly things, but it seems almost like an emotional affair not with BM as a woman, but with BM & their kids as his 'intact family' instead of you and your children. At the very least, leave & get you some CS. File the divorce. Give him a few months - maybe even years - to get his life back together & his head back. He'll be begging to make things right. & if not? His loss.
At least she wouldn't have to
At least she wouldn't have to worry about the skid(s) being horrible to her children.
yeah, they wouldn't have to
yeah, they wouldn't have to go for visitation
Leave - this will never get
Leave - this will never get better...You need to start planning and organizing now. This guy sounds terrible and you deserve better. See an attorney, they are free usually for the consultation and then get a plan in place.
Just wanted to chip in that
Just wanted to chip in that you've been dealt a horrible blow out of the blue and did what you had to do. I'm suspicious that BM told him she misses him, wants him back - whatever. She's on the rebound from a boyfriend BUT he may come back into the picture and out goes your husband once again.
Your husband probably never wanted a divorce but never expected a second chance so got involved with you and had children with you. Never expecting to leave you but suddenly his whole life changed and he kicked you in the face in his hurry to get back.
I don't know what to say if he comes back but I do know he won't unless his first wife rejects him again. If he does you may want to re-establish the relationship. I know it would be hard enough considering what has happened but only you can weigh the financial and emotional impact on you and your kids. The emotional turmoil is already likely to effect your unborn so that need to be weighed in also.
But he's not likely to come back so you have no choice but to avail yourself of all the welfare that may be available. Housing, food, cash, I don't know never been there. Some places have legal assistance for welfare recipients in filing - I know court fees can often be waived.
Best of luck and just power through each day as it comes and yes see if you can stay with friends or relatives while you get your new life going.
Since he was so excited on
Since he was so excited on winning his case to get the son visitation, im not too sure he would ever think of givisng up parental rights unfortunately.
Please leave that dysfunction! He's not capable of protecting you!!
And never will! There's a power play going on between him and his ex, which tells me there's emotions still involved?
He's obviously not over the ex, she has some kind of power over him still?
Remember, your too good for this? Your compassion shows in your blog!
Get out.. run... and the abuse you've endured from a crazy son, an enabled father, spineless wimp and a toxic ex is not in your cards!!
He'll be broke for a long time, because not protecting you comes with a price!! Remember that!!!
Whatever happens now, you
Whatever happens now, you deserve so much better treatment than this. If you value and have respect for yourself, then in my opinion, it's time to get away. It's more than likely that one of your children will grow up with the same disrespect this guy is showing you. One of my children from my previous marriage did and it's heartbreaking when you finally realise you have to let your children go to protect yourself and other children - even as adults.
There are sooo many decent men out there, that would not only love and protect you, provide financially but bring your children up properly and with care. A real man provides for his family (not gives it all to his ex family due to wishy washy earnings - get a proper job?) but he cherishes his partner - especially when pregnant. A real man also protects his baby from everything - including older children. My heart goes out to you, but only you can improve yours and your babies lot in life.
Please try take help off friends and relatives and do what's right for YOU.
{HUGS!!} I'm so sorry for
{HUGS!!} I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
He is absolutely being a jerk - prett much everyone posted on here agrees with this. I don't know if he's still in love with his ex - but he sure is acting strange and it's got your gut instinct rumbling.. listen to it! He is having an emotional affair with her and will probably turn physical (if not already).
Big flag for me was reading about you staying 2 nights at the hotel with no contact from him - if he was still interested in keeping your relationship he would've been trying to talk it over with you. As it is, by his actions he is showing you that he's not interested - he's shown you that he has no respect for you or your relationship.
Leave him. Take your kids and make a new life for yourselves - and make sure you hit the swine for child support.
i am so sorry this is
i am so sorry this is happening to you, writermom. that you spent two nights in a hotel without him even calling to check up on you speaks volumes.
he is a jerk. he is totally absorbed in bm and her children with him.
find yourself a place to stay if you can and FIND A LAWYER to cover your own interests and those of your children.
his treatment of you and your children is abusive, and you can also count that he allows his unstable son to hit your child. you don't need this and your deserve better.
Hi @writermom214 - It sounds
Hi @writermom214 -
It sounds like you were/are in a relationship with a narcissist. If you don't really know about these relationships, you need to read about them (I will put good links below).
The fact that he seemingly "changed", is now laughing at your hurt, says nothing when you leave, and has not tried to contact you? And you have a child and you're pregnant?
He is a disgusting narcissist and this is what they do. I am so sorry that he is being so horrible. When these relationships end, they are not like a normal break up. They are crushing and confusing and these men always seem to change out of nowhere. They have usually already lined up someone new.
Please do not go back. He will play games with you and BM and mess with your head.
Read:
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/
https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?262-Silent-Treatment-Covert-A...
Holy cow! This is him! This
Holy cow! This is him! This is him!
When the psychopath begins ignoring you for days, it means they’ve found a new target. Otherwise, they would continue focusing all of their efforts on you. But now, you are just an obstacle. They’ve found something new and exciting—your emotions are just a bothersome speed bump in their latest romantic venture. They will never tell you this. They will just continue to read your desperate text messages, ignoring you without another word. They will lash out and accuse you of being obnoxious, crazy, and clingy. They will refuse to discuss anything over the phone or in person, unless it happens entirely on their terms. The abuse is no longer covert. Their contempt for you is unmistakable.
The “crazier” you become, the more evidence they have to gain sympathy from their friends and new target. They use your increasingly unstable reactions to groom the latest victim.
I'm sorry that he had to be
I'm sorry that he had to be such an ass to you while you are expecting another child. It is a tough time for any woman much less one who has a guy who laughs at her when she expresses doubts. He doesn't feel the need to protect his baby or unborn child or YOU. WTF?? Let BM have him. They sound perfect for each other.
Maybe he can get back into working a high paying job and living in a million dollar house so YOU can benefit off his wages too instead of being the sugar mama until he could figure something else out.