Two Bio Moms
Hey everyone
I am a stepmom to 3 kids. I have a SD (11) and 2 SS (9 & 7). The youngest has a different mom then the 2 oldest. When my DH got together with the last BM my SD was 3 and SS was 1. The relationship only lasted 2 years so when they broke up SD was 5 and SS was 3. So they were still pretty young but my SD use to call her brothers mom her stepmom. Me & my DH have made it clear that she is not her SM anymore which I think is appropriate because they are not together anymore. What worries me and I keep thinking about is my SD is getting to the age where in a few years she will have Facebook and possibly a phone. I am worried that she's going to start a relationship with her brothers mom by texting or adding her on fb and messaging her. I think it's appropriate if she's messaging to talk to her brother but I'm very nervous about the relationship she could possibly create with his mom. Thinking about it I feel jealous, worried and afraid that she's going to start calling her her stepmom again or have a close relationship with her. The BM of my last SS also still has pictures of my other Stepchildren from when they were younger and my DH and her were still together. She has a family picture of her my DH and my stepchildren on her Facebook still and those bring up the same feelings. I honestly feel that the family picture should only be for my youngest SS and not my other SC to see or have. I feel a lot of negative emotions toward this issue. I don't want to share the tittle of stepmom or that type of relationship with my youngest SS mother.
Any suggestions on what I should do ? Or ways to help combat this?
Stop it. The "she's not your
Stop it. The "she's not your mom" card is toxic BM bullshit and is just as toxic and just as full of bullshit when a SM plays that card regarding her DH's 2nd+++ wife/baby mama. I believe this is the first time that I recall during my time on STalk an SM being jellous of her partner's second wife/baby mama and that rwoman's relationship with her own child's half sibs.
This is not just a woman who was married to, or was with, her dad. This is a woman who was married to her dad and had a child with her dad. Technically she may no longer be the SM but... that does not negate the fact that she was and remains the SM that your elder Skids knew during the time their father was with her.
There is no magic button for fixing these feelings other than to just knock it off and grow up. Your choice to be jellous and butt hurt over your DH's 2nd X/baby mama posting pics of HER family on FB does not bode well for this relationship or for your happiness in it. If your SO is playing this "she isn't your SM" game, he needs to extricate his head from his butt, grow up, and knock it off as well.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Welcome by the way, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living or have lived the blended family dream.
Yes she may have been at the
Yes she may have been at the time but I believe their needs to be boundaries. Everyone's situation is different and have to deal with different scenarios which can be difficult especially for someone who does not have bio kids. I think it is appropriate to remind the SD when she brings it up that her brothers mom no longer has that place. What might work for your family maybe not work for someone else. People have a right to feel their feelings and it's more then just "growing up and knocking it off".
Of course one size does not
Of course one size of solution does not fit all problems. However, forcing a change in the life of another adult is not an effective solution to get them to change their FB profile pics and attempting to purge a former parent from a kids life, a parent who is the mother of one of several Skids in the mix has about zero chance of success. There is no indication that this prior SM is toxic. The indication is that the OP is jealous, as she clearly states, so... the solution is for her to make a change in how she feels about it all and how she deals with it personally.
If I were the XSM and was approached about this, at best I would ignore it, at worst, I would let the new SM know what I really thought about it all.
I am not a tolerate or do nothing guy, but when the apparent sole infraction perpetrated by someone is merely existing, I am not one to give a crap about them one way or another. Particularly when they. Would not give a crap any more about a SD/XH of my wife anymore than I give a crap about the Spermidiot. If they did not cause drama, I would ignore them. If they caused drama, it would be game on.
Maybe the OP has some additional information that indicates that this XW/XSM is all kinds of toxic. In which case, my advice would be significantly different.
And "grow up and knock it off" is always an option. Maybe not one that is particularly liked, but it is always an option when analyzing solutions to an issue regarding feelings.
Obviously you cannot control
Obviously you cannot control what another adult does. The question was to seek help for the feelings & worries that are there. Most likely your "grow up and knock it off" is not going to work and that person is going to continue to have these thoughts. If BM #2 is no longer involved in a relationship with DH and currently does not have a relationship with the SKids then trying to have that type of stepmom relationship later on would not be very appropriate.
Especially when the DH is
Especially when the DH is married and the new SM helps take care and raise the kids. I think it'd be pushing boundaries and even a bit disrespectful to current SM
Though likely not a popular
Though likely not a popular perspective, feelings are a choice and worries of what might could possibly happen in the future is a waste of time.
Better to stop those wasted efforts and deal with the now.
IMHO of course.
This is the first post I've
This is the first post I've ever seen by anyone who actually wants the title 'stepmum'
I'm guessing this step family life is new to you.
dont stress about the title now because soon enough you will likely come to resent it. If you last long enough in step hell that is.
I too, have two BM's in my
I too, have two BM's in my life.
DH's oldest who is almost 12, his first wife. Then dh got roped in by SS3, ss5's who he thankfully did not marry. BM #2 was in SD's life for a couple years when she was younger. It is what it is, you cannot change the past. And BM#2 was a part of her past. I recommend getting rid of those people on social media if you don't like seeing posts, etc. it will just make you miserable. My SD doesn't care to have a relationship with her, she's getting older and recognizing how toxic she is. All the times she's left her children to go party, not pick them up, etc, she's old enough to see how that is effecting her younger brothers (unfortunately).
Thank you for being
Thank you for being understanding! It's definitely rough not only one but two BM. Sorry to hear that at least they have you and your DH
One of the best lessons you
One of the best lessons you can learn in any sort of complicated family is that you can only control your relationships with people, you cannot control their relationships with each other.
Yep
This precisely.
This precisely.
OP, unless your DH has a good reason to exclude BM#2 from his first kids' life (like she is abusive or an active drug user, in which case, there are other, more pressing issues to address), there's no reason why his kids shouldn't be able to reach out to her. Especially since she is the mother of one of their siblings, not just a random ex.
The kids can view both her AND you as SM. They can have an entirely different relationship with each of you that is equally fulfilling to them. Can you better explain where this jealousy is coming from, and why you think your jealousy should dictate their relationships?
Now, I don't agree with the ex reaching out to the kids on their own. That, to me, would be crossing the line. Adults shouldn't reach out to kids to start relationships with them like that. But, given the situation you described, I can understand why a kid, who had no say in someone entering and leaving their lives AND is the mother of their sibling, would want to reach out.