Two tooth fairies - Where's the line with communication?
I apologize in advance for the long ranting. It just feels good to be able to let it out here.
In the midst of doing everything we can to limit communication with BM to only what's absolutely necessary, she makes this request that just pisses me off for some reason. I've mentioned in some other posts that BM over communicates, is long-winded, verbally abusive, and tries her best to be relevant in our lives. BF told her he's going to email only, or OFW only or a combination of the two, and she's having a fit wanting to be able to text him for "time sensitive matters." (EVERYTHING is time sensitive to this woman)
After replying to BF's email about how she won't go to email-only, she sends another one saying that since SS5's has his first loose tooth, she wants BF to send the tooth back to her if it falls out with BF so she can do the tooth fairy thing too. She said it's fine if he does the tooth fairy, but she also wants to be able to do it. She said if it comes out with her, she would do the same and send it to him.
At first, BF wanted this. But my reaction was .....hang on. What happened to communicating what's necessary? Where is the line?? BF was totally on the same page that emails, texts, whatsapp messages, phone calls and in-person communication was way too much and it needs to be cut down to what is necessary for the kid. Anything beyond what's best for SS should be ignored. I pointed out that ignoring her request and just doing the tooth fairy at whoever's house he happens to be at won't negatively affect SS. I said this is all about BM AND BF wanting this experience, and it isn't about the experience for SS. I said I'm tired of being the only one advocating the reduction of toxicity in our lives. But the bigges issue: there is no line! What's next? She'll want to pass pieces of his HAIR back and forth? keep his toenail clippings? Certain clothing? I love the kid but I hate how much he's just worshipped sometimes.
BF tried to tell me "it would just be a single message about it. No big deal." I told him I'm sorry, but when has that ever been BM's personality? If we looked at her patterns and predicted based on that, do you think that would be the case? NO. It would be something like:
BM: "his tooth fell out!" (sends photo of tooth and toothless kid) "I will send it back with him in the outside pouch of his backpack. please confirm you received this message."
BF: "confirmed."
BF next day: "I don't see the tooth in the pouch." (sends photo of empty backpack pouch)
BM: "oh maybe SS5 left it at school."
BF: "ok i'll go ask him....... yes he left it at school.
BM: "I'll remind him to bring it home when he's with me tomorrow."
BF: "please make sure it gets sent back."
BM: "obviously duh LOL calm down dude"
Although it sounds nice enough.... it's soooooooooooo much. This has happened before where BF engages in this level of communication, which would be fine if she was consistantly respectful and polite. He lets his guard down and as soon as the smallest inconvenience happens, it's threats to be taken back to court, name calling to BF and me, threats that she'll tell SS that we don't care about him. Which is why I feel that level of interaction is a privilage for co-parents who are emotinoally healthy. You missing out when the kid is with the other parent is a product of divorce.
I don't have my own bio kid so maybe I'm being unreasonable?
The fricking tooth fairy. Yes
The fricking tooth fairy. Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for the tooth fairy to visit whatever house the tooth happens to fall out in. Good Lord. If you were dealing with normal people anyway. These two would be in his mouth with pliers trying to beat the other to the tooth.
Also, like, what is their
Also, like, what is their explanation going to be as to why the tooth and the money are both still there in the morning? Ridiculous.
I'm dying lol that's such a
I'm dying lol that's such a good point
That was my thought...doesn't
That was my thought...doesn't the tooth fairy have to take the tooth? Also, since the tooth fairy is all knowing, wouldn't she be able to figure out whatever house SS was when he lost his tooth and act accordingly?
They would so be up in his
They would so be up in his mouth to beat the other one. They do that with movies. They want to be the one who takes him to see a move he wants to see the DAY it comes out. When the other parent finds out, they get mad......? What on earth is your problem?? How are you making this so about you and not about the kid!
Sounds like a great way to ruin the toothfairy for the child
Sounds like a great way to ruing the tooth fairy for the child. How are they going to explain the fact that money is left, but the tooth is not gone? I guess they could say the fairy forgot the tooth, so he has to leave it again - but a smart kid is going to figure that out pretty quick. This is just ridiculous.
Exactly. Fools!
Exactly. Fools!
good Christ they sound
good Christ they sound exhausting! They should have just stayed married then they only have to annoy one another!
God for reals. I've said that
God for reals. I've said that to him out of anger loll BM is just relentless, and clearly my SO is no saint. There have been times where SO spent hours going back and forth with her during the work day, most of the time getting more and more heated and passive aggressive. I could neeeever pour that much energy of resentment, hostility and rage the way they do.
I know you said SO has improved
I know you said SO has improved, but he is still way to emeshed with her. The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. These kind of interactions show there is still a lot of unresolved emotion between the two of them. Please keep looking out for yourself in this situation.
Yeah. You remember. Because
Yeah. You remember. Because of this I've had my guard up.
OMG. I have no words about
OMG. I have no words about how pathetic BM is and even worse, how pathetic BF is.
The toothfairy?
Really?
Kona---Your ok with this,
Kona---Your ok with this, right?
No definitely not ok with
No definitely not ok with this. It's over the top ridiculous and shows they don't get what being divorced means.
BM wants control of your home .
This is very controlling on BM part. Don't get into this trap, by start playing BM games. BM just wants control and have you jumping to her music.
Yeah. I just don't get it.
Yeah. I just don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to move on with your life. I can't even picture myself paying so much attention to an ex. I don't give her the time of day.
We have the same BM. She sent
We have the same BM. She sent DH a long message about how she was taking SSs to Texas over spring break (at a previous mediation, DH gave up all spring breaks, because BM wanted SSs to spend time with their grandparents in California every spring break, but apparently, three spring breaks in, she's decided, she can just do what she wants over spring break). She only told him because she will be late dropping them off on DH's weekend. She ended it with "please confirm that you've received this." The next day she sends him a text "I don't know why you haven't replied to my message, since I can see that you read it 18 hours ago. If you still want me to follow this communication method, you need to be more responsive." So, DH logged on to OFW and replied, "OK" to BM's message. He could have picked a fight about the kids not going to California, he could have said he didn't want his kids traveling in two weeks when the coronavirus outbreak is sure to be at it's height, but he didn't. He also "accommodated" BM's eating into his weekend, even though her last message was to cry about how she is "the only one to accommodate" anything.
OFW lets the other person know if a message has been read, so there should be no need for a "please confirm" that any message has been read.
I hope she realizes that even if she were to decide to text or call him, he could still ignore her. SSs will be in high school next year and she never shares any information of value with him, so why should he even reply to her at all. If anything, SSs should follow his lead and cut their mother off as soon as they can.
Also, everything always requires "immediate response", which they are supposed to use only when something actually requires an immediate response, like when DH was being admitted to the hospital and wouldn't be able to have SSs come to our home the next done. BM not asking until the day before something needs to be decided is not cause for DH to drop everything and provide him with an answer.
Look, I get that if this is
Look, I get that if this is her first kid (?) these things that seem dumb can be a big deal that they don't want to miss out on. I was sad that my sons 1st tooth fell out when he was at daycare and they couldn't find it. But that was the reality - he needed to be at daycare because I had to work fulltime and I missed out on some things because of that. BM needs to accept her reality that she doesn't have her kid fulltime and she will miss out on some things too. It's just how it is.
Also, I totally get what you mean with the communication. BM here is also a "give an inch, take a mile" type. So if theres an opening to more communication or whatever else she wants its opening a can of worms to just give in to her on anything.
I also understand about it
I also understand about it being a big deal the first time. But, it also sounds like in this case both parents haven't fully accepted their situation, and haven't let go of the fantasy of the perfect family life. They want to have their cake and eat it too. I don't know what led to their split, but did they not realize things would be different in a non-intact family? I think it's deeply unfair to start a relationship with a new person when you are still grasping and struggling so hard to resolve your issues with your first (or in some cases second!) family. To subject them to constant contact with your prior partner. It is extremely selfish and this tooth fairy f*ckery is just a symptom. Not to mention the child, who could likely give a crap whose house the fricking fairy visits. All this drama in the name of putting the kids first. But it's clearly the bioparents who come first in these high conflict situations! The kids and the steps do the suffering. Edit to add that i think when these skids get so screwed up that their behavior is intolerable and they can't function in society, that's just another example of their parents doing them a huge disservice.
I'm surprised this didn't
I'm surprised this didn't come out of BMs mouth over here. Her pendulum can never find equilibrium and just sit in stillness.
That aside, the sentiment behind that conversation is that skid is an extension, a possession. None of this nonsense is about skid experiencing their own life but what mom and dad are owed by virtue of being mom and dad.
It might be due to the "newness" of the situation (because reasonably, nobody thought about the tooth fairy in such detail during a split). Might even be a little bit of one-upsmanship in there. Regardless, it's not a healthy or practical approach to raising a child whether or not the family is intact.
Ask BF what he is planning (or hoping) to get out of such an arrangement. Give him some time to think about it but make him say it out loud. Then explain to him all of the other healthy, non-detrimental ways he can accomplish that goal.
The more he recognizes these things the less inclined he will be to not only entertain BMs absurdities but compete with them.
He is not being a bad father or damaging his child if he doesn't go along with her crazy pants schemes. He would, however, be doing both if he keeps in step with her. No child is ever responsible for a parent's emotional fulfillment. That neither of the adults in this situation have come to terms with that doesn't bode well for the kid.
This is crazy. He needs to
This is crazy. He needs to tell her that wherever the tooth is lost, that's where the Tooth Fairy leaves her money, and that's that. Ignore and no further discussion. If the tooth falls out at his house - he's the Tooth Fairy and the tooth is his. Same at BM's.
Then ignore, ignore, no further discussion. This is just another excuse for BM to demand your DH's attention and he fell for it.
It's a freaking tooth. He's going to lose a bunch more.
OR, the alternative is to tell BM she can be the Tooth Fairy 100% and send any fallen-out teeth over there. Either one is fine, but freaking pick one to stop the unnecessary discussion.