My SD18 is graduating in from HS in June, and headed to college in the fall out of state (that is a whole other ball of issues... not really related to this). My DH's brother (BIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) are planning on coming to the graduation, as are the DH's parents and some of their siblings. Pretty normal for a HS graduation.

Except that BIL and SIL have stirred up quite a bit of trouble for me... or atleast attempted to. He is nice to my face, but says horrible, untrue things about me. MIL and FIL chalk it up to "that's just the way he/they are" and "just ignore him/them". SIL is more subtle and tends to incite BIL, who does most of the talking, but she has had some key moments of irrational yelling at me and DH when she's drunk.  I have always been polite to them, made an effort to get to know them and held my tongue as needed.

SIL is an angry alcoholic, BIL drinks heavily but not to the extent that SIL does, they both have cheated on one another, and they fight badly (i.e. police called to the house by the neighbors).  The drinking has become worse in recent years, and at the last get together (MIL and FIL were not present), SIL was sloppy drunk in front of her own kids and spilled some of the beans about their issues, so I don't know how much longer they will keep up the charade of "happy family". I only know about all this because they revealed alot to DH while he was visiting their home. 

So here is my dilemma. Given BIL and SILs prior behavior towards me as well as their excessive drinking, I have  told DH that they will not be staying with us during the graduation. DH agreed that they need to stay in a hotel. DH has had numerous issues with BIL over the years but maintains hope that someday, they will reconcile. But, DH does want to have everyone over for a small family get together. That means BIL and SIL would attend. I cringe of the thought of them in my home, but I don't know how to avoid it.

Here is what I want to say to DH about rules that I hope we can agree on:

Day before graduation: We meet out at a vineyard (yes, I know... alcoholic at a vineyard but the woman will drink wherever she goes... even bringing wine in a water bottle to dry events). There is a family friendly one about 30 minutes from us that has a covered picnic area, stuff for the kids, live music, and an overall relaxed environment. We meet there at 11am. SIL will inevitably have herself a few glasses of wine with lunch. From there, she will want to go back to the hotel to sleep. The owners of this place are strict - if they see anyone drinking too much, they ask them to leave and will take keys away.  My parents and I will have our own car, so if SIL/BIL are asses, my parents and I can head home with the LOs.  ***But this is where I'm stuck. DH will likely want to have everyone over that evening for a BBQ. And I am very much concerned about things taking a turn for the worse. This will be where SIL and BIL are more likely to drink and act the fool. If MIL and FIL go back early to the hotel, I could easily see BIL and SIL staying later and partying up. Do I just go to bed after I get LOs to sleep around 8pm, and ask that everyone move the party outside? We have a screened in area so even if its raining, people can be out there. Do I ask that DH limit the amount of alcohol we have in the house?***

Day of graduation: We all meet at the graduation hall. Post grad party at our home is from 4pm - 8pm. This will absolutely be a dry party. SD18's friends will be there; we do not want to risk anyone drinking and driving.  After 8pm, the LOs will be going to bed. I believe that BIL and SIL will be heading home that evening anyway, so while they might stop by our home, it will be a quick goodbye.

Prior to the graduation weekend (Wed - Fri) BIL and SIL are sightseeing in our area, about an hour from us, so we won't have to deal with them then.