Update on BM's plan to move out of state
BM is taking my partner to court to change our 50/50 custody to 70/30 so she can move out of state. Originally, she wanted us to move with her. Moving is not in our cards but she wants to push it all the same. So back to court we go. Now we're just waiting for the court to schedule the hearing. When I picked the kids (SS/SD5) up from school on Friday, the after school program was curious about the move because the twins told them they were moving. BM says that she didn't tell them, but they already think it's a done deal.
SS's behavior hasn't been great at school and we have been keeping close tabs on him with his teacher. SD seems to be doing rather well, though. My partner sent an email to kids' teachers and their guidance counselor last night (cc'd BM with it, too) about the custody dispute. I read through it before he sent it to make sure it was simply to keep teachers up to date on issues that may impact their education and not ex-bashing. He did well, kept it simple, and stuck with the facts. BM sent a flurry of angry texts this morning about it -- she says that information is private and he's trying to make her look bad.
I suppose that was to be expected... The kids haven't talked with us about the move at all and we haven't brought it up with them, either. We figure there's no reason to bring them into this unless it's going to happen. This weekend the kids were extremely (maybe even excessively) well behaved and very affectionate. My partner and I enjoyed a delightful weekend with them and his parents.
I am here to vent because this is really stressful and I know that the people on this site have some experience with this. I'm a return to college student and needless to say, it's hard to concentrate on my studies with another custody hearing looming. I'm not entirely convinced that she really has a case worthy of changing a custody order that's been working well for both of us but that nagging worry is there all the same.
Any words of advice? Encouragement? It would be most appreciated.
We have not been through a
We have not been through a hearing regarding moving. But I can tell you that DH has residential custody. At one point BM was on supervised visits---- even then our attorney told us it would be hard to get a judge to approve a move. My DH was looking at changing employment to a much larger city, where his income would nearly double- and our attorney told us not to even try. It may be different where you live, but apparently here it is super hard to get to move away.
This is very very true. sadly
This is very very true. sadly
She started this whole thing
She started this whole thing by asking us to move with her. Since we declined, she wants to take us to court and basically change custody so she's the custodial parent.
My best friends sister was
My best friends sister was dealing with this in our area. Her husband is military and got orders to move from VA to Colorado. The judge wouldn't let the kids out of the state. The kids dad only sees them 2 days a month for supervised visits and that is all- yet they can't leave the state. She even offered to have them come back to VA for most school breaks so that they could have visits but nope- the kids stay in VA.
I think that she may very well be disappointed over this move- they have a dad who has 50/50- she needs to just stay put.
Now I find out that she also
Now I find out that she also texted my my partner that "there are 3 good opportunities in (place where she is from 1100 miles away)" and that she wasn't applying for them because she didn't want to impact twins' relationship with my partner more than necessary.
Damn it! Why is she even looking there, then?! Even if we won this case, she'll just keep doing this over and over again. Gah, I hate that woman! She is evil!
Kids finally said something
Kids finally said something this morning. They said that we could come and visit them "all the time".
I'll be honest, I had to go to another room and cry a little.
Strength you way this just
Strength you way this just sounds like a big game to BM.
BM in our case moved without
BM in our case moved without permission - DH took it to court & she lost had 6 mo to move back or give up custody. Don't lose hope yet.
In most states the parent who
In most states the parent who wants to move has to prove that the move benefits the children NOT THE PARENT. She will have to show that the benefits for the children in the new area are worth taking the children away from the other parent. This is hard, but not impossible to do. Most judges are hesitant to take custody/custody time away from one parent just so another can move away, especially if that parent has done nothing to warrant loosing any custody. You have 50/50 now. She will have a hard time.
Concentrate on the benefits of the children staying here. School, extra curricular activities, other family and friends, doctors, stability. Take pictures showing the loving family you are and some of the fun things you have done together. In other words, don't just focus on why she shouldn't taken them away....focus on why they should stay in your town. You can always offer the 70/30 with the kids staying with you 70%. If her offer was good enough for you then its good enough for her.
Also, once this has been brought up in court, and knocked down where it belongs, she will not be looked upon very kindly by a judge if it gets brought back to him again 6 months to a year later because she thinks she needs to move again. Judges will look at stability and constantly looking to move is not stable.
In most states the parent who
In most states the parent who wants to move has to prove that the move benefits the children NOT THE PARENT. She will have to show that the benefits for the children in the new area are worth taking the children away from the other parent. This is hard, but not impossible to do. Most judges are hesitant to take custody/custody time away from one parent just so another can move away, especially if that parent has done nothing to warrant loosing any custody. You have 50/50 now. She will have a hard time.
Concentrate on the benefits of the children staying here. School, extra curricular activities, other family and friends, doctors, stability. Take pictures showing the loving family you are and some of the fun things you have done together. In other words, don't just focus on why she shouldn't taken them away....focus on why they should stay in your town. You can always offer the 70/30 with the kids staying with you 70%. If her offer was good enough for you then its good enough for her.
Also, once this has been brought up in court, and knocked down where it belongs, she will not be looked upon very kindly by a judge if it gets brought back to him again 6 months to a year later because she thinks she needs to move again. Judges will look at stability and constantly looking to move is not stable.
I don't know how it is in
I don't know how it is in Canada but I know the direct area DH and I live a judge would laugh if we tried to go to court over a hour move - DH moved during the divorce proceedings and lived a hour or so away from SS when we first met, BM brought up school and tried to use that to take custody time away - the judge simply told DH if he was willing to make that drive every morning once SS started school he saw no issue with us moving - mind you SS has had no tardies with us and had 14 last year with BM who lived a 1mi from the school compared to our hour drive.
It can yes, but remember that
It can yes, but remember that each state is different and its important to know what your state follows as normal. An hour away move should in no way be a reason to change from 50/50 to full custody. Heck moving across country doesn't have to mean a change to full (legal) custody. The other parent can always be involved in major decisions regarding schools, medical decisions and such. Now if you are talking about full physical custody only there really is still no need, and in my opinion highly unlikely. If the judge grants the move there are so many other time share breakdowns that can be done before you get to full custody. Why not a 70/30 where the child spends the week with the custodial parent then spends weekends with the other or spends all summer with the other parent? An hour away is really no reason for full custody.
In the case of BM, the only
In the case of BM, the only benefit that she can claim is the possibility of tuition reduction after being employed for a certain amount of time. They offer half off tuition after 5 years and free tuition after 10 years -- but only at their university system where she is looking to be employed. Otherwise the job doesn't pay more but will pay off her student loans. She often has conflicts that arise with her coworkers and rarely stays at a job long enough to make us believe that she'll hold out long enough to even garner those tuition benefits for the kids.
If she moves away with kids, they'll miss out on seeing not just us but also their paternal extended family. As it is now, her family is 1100 miles away and her move wouldn't get them any closer to them, either. A move for the kids there would effectively cut them off from everyone except BM, her husband, their older half brother (who has been vocally opposed to this move), and kids' soon to be born half sibling. Did I mention that she wants to move one month after her baby was born? Seriously, she wants to move one month after giving birth...
Do you think the possibility of a tuition reduction/waiver at a single university would be viewed by the court as a sufficient reason to eliminate the custodial rights of my partner? We would be happy to have them here 70% of the time, but I know she won't go for it... Do you think the presence of half-siblings is sufficient for her claim, as well?
Also, any proof that you can
Also, any proof that you can provide that shows a pattern of BM wanting to move all the time will help you.
BM tried this better job
BM tried this better job thing too. I know we nailed BM with comparable jobs in our area... I must of had 50 ads. Start searching the want ads, monster, etc try salary.com too to make sure she's making the same money ... if there are positions available near you = no reason to lose time with Dad.
She's trying to move 3 hours
She's trying to move 3 hours away. We live only 15 minutes from each other but they go to the school district at BM's residence. Regardless of who gets custody, if she moves, they'll be changing schools. We're going to fight to this as much as we can. My partner's parents have even offered to help foot the legal bills if it boils down to it. If the kids stay here, we can't promise them the same friends from class, but their neighborhood friends on our block would be in class instead.
I was digging through information online and found that one of the things a court looks at is which parent is most likely to ensure that the kids get access to all their family members as much as possible -- under the circumstances, and with BM's history of always trying to get full custody and find jobs out of state, I'd hope that we can really hit her there. We don't make the money she does and I'm really worried that's all the court will look at. I also found out today that there's a noncompete clause at her current employer -- so if she does leave she'd be forced to go far enough away to be in compliance with that. We make enough to support all of us (even full time without any support from her) and it would be no skin off our backs if we suddenly had them here all the time. Right now there is no CS, but of course that'll be a part of this, too. She tried to take us to court for CS and the court threw it out last time, along with the request for primary custody.
Alas, we aren't big with religious activities, we're big on family activities: trips to see grandparents, crafts at home, singing/dancing together, going on hikes -- we're sorta granola, to be honest, but it's what makes us a solid and happy family. We've always approached shared custody like it was best for the kids to have two solid families with equal access to both. BM keeps trying to take possession of the kids, paint us in some unfavorable light, and find ways to leave the area with the twins.
Ack, this is stressful to say the least. SD5 told me today that she "didn't want Mama to take [them] away" from us. They deserve better than this, they're great kids.
Our CO gave custody to my DW
Our CO gave custody to my DW and awarded visitation to the SpermIdiot.
As long as we lived more than 200 miles from SpermLand he got 7 weeks of visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter and 1wk spring.
If we had ever lived within 200 miles of SpermLand it would have been EOWE, several weeks in the summer and alternating holidays for the SpermIdiot.
Either way both parties were responsible for getting the kid to their location.
In your situaton I would not agree to anything but full custody if BM decides to move. She can have visitation and if she does move she can pay the full round trip cost of visition when the skids visit her. That is what I would demant if you negotiate outside of court and what I would propose if it goes to court. Ultimately if it goes to court it is a role of the dice and a judge will make the decision.
Good luck.