Just feel like I have to get this off my chest.

Partner and I moved in together two years ago - we are renting a 5 acre property so new place for us all to start out. I have two girls (twins x 12 now) and have sole custody. As usual as I'm the mother, I take care entirely of girls - expect nothing from partner except at minimum to be civil to girls. I'm absolutely fine with that. Generally all ok but little interaction of girls with Partner - although that is no issue whatsoever ... environment is fine.

Partner has son - living mainly with mother at first. I didn't really have too much to do with him - left them to themselves really when he was there. Girls and I active with horses and other animals so out and about a lot. Partner quite a hard father, very different parent to me - I'm very hands on, in my girls lives, have our routines, girls have their chores and I am consistent with all that. I have a great relationship with my girls and focussed on keeping this through their teenage to adult years. Partner on other hand quite aloof with son, kinda neither here nor there attitude so not in ones face at all and certainly not in mine.

SS an only child and he was used to total attention from mum and dad although they had been apart from each other for a good four years. He would bounce between them ongoing as they lived in easy reach of each other so SS would simply choose where he was and when. He used that to his advantage to do whatever he wanted when. He came and went after school unsupervised to eithers house, on the computer, eating food, hanging with mates etc ... so he essentially had the run of two houses and lives. During weekends he would be around the rural community aloof ... so you never know/knew what he was up to really. That type of parenting I don't agree with - but as he's not my child and given child not under my feet - none of my business. His mother spent a lot time at the local pub and she would take SS there - from a very early age - I'm talking from 4 upward when they parted. SS would be involved in adult conversations, gossip, totally inappropriate ... he would be around drinking and getting drunk etc. His mother often drinks to the point of drunk, and goes home and spends days on the couch being 'piss crook' is what SS calls it. I find that totally unacceptable and more or less child abuse. However, not my child so I don't get involved.

SS doesn't have many friends ... goes to a very small school of 30 kids in total ... about 10 his age, no girls. Always saw him as a bit of a strange boy from the outset - a loner, aloof. He doesn't interact with kids well ... he has no normal social skills of children that age. He doesn't play sport and I can't see what interests him at all. He doesn't interact with people well ... although he expects to be part of adult conversation - and will butt into conversations with silly comments and doesn't understand what is appropriate and what not.

When I moved in with Partner SS would be around routinely through any week - few days with mother and few days with Partner. If SS turned up outside of the days he was meant to be there I would question why he was there and that it wasn't a hotel for him to come and go. I went so far as saying that he was not to be at our house when he wasn't meant to or when an adult wasn't there. He didn't like this and I know went against it as Partner would not lock the house. My parents came to stay for an extended period and over this time kept an eye on what was going on and reinforced the situation and routine as they were there - so he couldn't get away with it and that stopped the silly nonsense ... he was caught by my parents several times sneeking onto the property with a bunch of mates, helping themselves to the pantry, poking the animals etc ... that got stopped pretty quick and forthright!

Six months after moving in with Partner, SS11 moved in with us as his mother moved away and he didn't want to go - so he's been with us now 1.5 years ...

I hadn't had too much to do with him previously, but since moving in obviously have had. I really tried at first to establish a relationship with him and setting rules for the house for all kids, routines, festivisties etc ... however given Partner doesn't really parent the same, it fell flat. I tried separately to engage with SS - but just haven't been able to. He is a strange child. He does odd things like stand in the hallway or outside (or anywhere) and just stares vacantly. Everything he does he does like he's dragging his feet to do it ... at slow motion, with no enthusiasm or energy. He doesn't seem to have any life zest at all ... i'll try and talk with him and he'll stare straight at me - like right through me - and his only response being "OK" or "alright" ... when I know he hasn't taken anything in at all.

He is moving out in six months to go to high school in the city his mother is now in. So I've been focussed on just riding it through to the point of him moving on. From there he will likely just return for a fortnight weekend which should be relatively painless. Meantime I just enforce manners, chores, routines and hygiene ... his father doesn't ensure he's in bed on time, so I do alongside getting my girls to bed. If I catch him having gone to the toilet without washing his hands, I'll prompt him to wash his hands. When his room hasn't been cleaned for weeks and stinks, I'll ensure he cleans it. When he eats at the dinner table with his mouth open and food falls out, if his father doesn't say anything I will. This is all just the same as I do with my girls. Outside of that I don't have too much engagement with him really ... we don't have anything whatsoever in common ... and given he doesn't engage or hold a conversation at all ... so I just be civil and we do our own things.

Well ... all was going ok except last night when SS wasn't having a shower I queried Partner why and we had the silliest of conversations that he wasn't due even though it was meant to be bi-nightly showers alternating for him and my girls so not everyone had a shower the same night as there isn't enough hot water. Partner burst out that my girls would go a week without having showers if they got away with it - nasty comment that was completely unexpected. I retreated to our bedroom for the evening.

Have conversed with Partner today on what on earth happened and he burst out more that SS has complained that I'm picking on him ... and SS feels unwelcome. Have pointed out to Partner that is wrong completely and perhaps he should query SS on what he is saying or raise to me directly the specifics of said bullying.

First time Partner and I have had such an engagement and it isn't nice whatsoever. There is so much more I could say to Partner but I don't want to as I'm sure he would get offended. So I'm going to say it here ... get it off my chest and it'll help!

Partner:
- you should parent your son better - get involved in his life, engage with him, spend quality time with him, get to know him - really!
- you should be consistent in your care for your son - he doesn't brush his teeth at all, he clearly doesn't understand basic hygiene of washing hands, changing his undies, changing his clothes, brushing his hair, washing his face
- you should teach your son some manners - he never says thank you for anything unless you prompt him to ... I paid for him to go overseas as Partner could not afford to pay for him (I was paying already for Partner and my children and myself) ... I got no thanks from Partner or SS
- you should want to know what your son is getting up to in the mornings when you leave him alone, and after school when he's unsupervised .. he's only 11 and you have been leaving him up to his own devices for years - it isn't good enough
- you should get your son making his own lunch - he's 11 and needs to learn some basic care for himself
- you should be interested in what your son is doing on his computer in his room on his own - you should go in his room regularly and check it out
- you should work with your son on what interests him ...you should get him involved in sport ... you should get him involved in some groups with other children and ensure he gets some social skills
- you should take your son to a speech therapist - he cannot speak properly - he will get taunted at high school
- you should be proactive in talking with his mother and ensure he is being cared for properly - you should make it clear you do not want him being taken to the pub or being around drinking
- you should ensure you are not putting him around drinking situations - he has spent his life watching adults drink and listening to drunk conversations - he thinks its cool
- you should teach him etiquette at the dinner table - chew with mouth closed, food should not fall out mouth, don't stuff your mouth ... eat nicely
- I should not have to be the one to prompt your son for all the above ... it puts me in the position of continually reinforcing chores, hygiene, manners, routines ... that is your job - but if you won't do your job, you leave me with no option but to do it for you. That is not fair ... but I will not stand by and not have this in my home ... it is not fair to me or my girls who I do reinforce this all to.

Partner, you should not have spoken to me as you did. You should not just accept what your son is saying is truthful. You should reflect on what is happening holistically and consider your role to play and you should start coming to the party.

Partner, you need to realise that I will not stay in a living situation if it becomes tense and difficult ... I will not place myself or my girls in this situation.

Partner, you have some choices, and I really hope you have considered those over the past few hours before I get home.

Partner, I love you - but ....