We got married last week and now BM is clawing to get him back...
Sigh. Well. DH and I married last week, after more than year together and six months living together. His daughter moved back in with us Sunday. We are having a baby in the summer.
At the wedding reception, two different people told me that BM is determined to get "her" husband back; one even told me to watch my back as BM is a bitch and very accustomed to getting her way. Mind you, this woman was in BM's wedding and knows her well.
BM and DH were married more than twenty years. She cheated on him and became a raging alcoholic over the past decade. He stuck around for eight years, living in the basement and basically leading separate lives, and she filed for divorce. However almost as soon as he got with me, she started fixing herself up and flaunting herself around some, but it was not too often since she was usually busy being drunk and sloppy. She did have me investigated and found out all about my past (nothing too exciting there but she sure tried to stir shit with it). Her kids were told over and over that I had broken up their marriage, was the other woman, was a floozy, etc. I never even met him till he was long out of her house, divorce was filed and he was dating others already.
Over CHristmas she MAY have hit bottom (hard to say with a drunk), and now she is "getting clean" although she refuses to go to rehab. Her daughters won't speak to her or see her and she is denied contact with her five week old granddaughter, until she goes to rehab. So I can see how she could be desparate and jealous of me especially since DH and I are happy, expecting, watch the baby once a week and have contact with both girls. But now she is very much telling all her "crew" that she is going to get "her" family back and she will do whatever it takes to me to do so. I know she sends DH emails to that same effect; he admitted that yesterday, more or less. He told me I had NOTHING to worry about and basically begged me not to think about it. But in the next sentence he was telling me they had happy years together and were a good couple, which leads me to feel not so secure. He is also at times very defensive of her.
I am pregnant and feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable. BM is now working out hard, doing all the things I am sure DH wished she would for years, probably thinking that if she does those things it might not be too late. She knows DH and I run together (still do) and that one of the things he loves about me is that I am fit and healthy. I am younger than her and obviously still able to have kids. I can see why I would anger her, but I don't like feeling any kind of threat to my new marriage from the old relationship. Can anyone tell me how to handle my feelings on this matter? We will be together in lots of settings since BM still insists on attending SD's volleyball tournaments, including the ones we travel far away to. I need some strategies both for my feelings and my actions. I don't wish the lady harm, I just wish her to move on.
I had to reply with sympathy
I had to reply with sympathy - BM here told DH the same thing, that is hard to see us together and wrong of him to have me around their kids. Now she is "embarrassed" that we are having a baby. She also repeatedly tells people (including the judge who put her on probation for violence against DH last summer) that they are "in the middle of a divorce." The divorce has been final almost a year.
Your feelings are completely
Your feelings are completely NORMAL! Just allow yourself to understand that. Her's are as well, for that matter. It's very sad to me that usually it takes another woman coming into a man's life before she feels so bad for kids for divorcing their dad. Now that a new woman is in his life she feels how much pain they are going through and how she needs HER man back. I must admit not all women are like this but I'm finding that a disturbing amount are.
Let your DH know how you feel and that comments about their happiness or when he defends her doesn't help. You realize there were good times, but that's just not helping your insecurity. You can even admit that it's your problem and you are trying to deal with it, but his help would be very much appreciated.
I would also expect him to not tolerate any communication regarding them or you from her. He must let BM know he will no longer discuss him and her or listen to anything disrespectful of you. That is something he should DEFINITELY do, that would be the respectful and right thing. Any email she sends that does not directly relate to issues with the kids should be ignored at the very least or a simple, "I am not willing to discuss that with you any longer." If she sends something else then it should be IGNORED.
I am in the same situation and it's very tense. It's very unnerving to feel like someone can take your husband away, and a woman who's after him and who shares so much with him feels like a very real threat. I would ask your DH to put boundaries around the BM, talking about personal stuff, if there's any comparisons, if he brings her up randomly, if he goes out to dinner with her or is alone in her house, those things should stop if they are happening.
But my best advice for your well-being is that he chose you and he loves you. If he wanted her he could have gone back to her. Try to just rest in that knowledge. Be the best you can be and focus on your marriage and I imagine in time the security will come, it's all just very fresh right now. You don't have the security that comes with time and shared life experience to help you.
Also, we can't worry about the worst stuff happening, that will just rob us of the joy that we have today. You are newly married and starting a family and here you are worried about the BM taking him away. Don't let her have that kind of control over you. If there are things your husband is doing that cross the line for you, have a heart to heart, but if not, ignore her, she's just a sad person who's made terrible choices in her life and she can't face them. I feel that pitying the BM in my life that's like this puts things in their proper perspective. Foolish woman, she tore her family apart with her own hands and now she wants to put it back together, and she's going to blame you for her own actions.
I always try to think if what I'm doing/feeling will build my family or tear it down. If it's just jealousy based in fear then I try to remember the best my man has given me and the character he has shown me.
Hope that helps.
Not sure why your BM is even
Not sure why your BM is even emailing your DH or why she has his email if she has no contact with the girls? Unless of course the skids are younger and DH has to communicate with her. In all seriousness if there is no real requirement for your DH to communicate with BM then he needs to block her or change his email.
They may have had some happy times in their marriage, and even the bad marriages will have good moments, but you dont need to hear this particularly given this woman is like a parasite and refuses to go live her own life. Does DH know how hurtful it is to hear him say nice things about her, when all she is to you is a massive pain the rump and is abusive about you? I think you need to vocalise this, more so give you are pregnant.
I am also unsure as to why these two people felt the need to tell you during your wedding reception that BM is on the warpath and intent on getting *her* family back (people arent possessions but evidentally BM missed that memo)!That is really rude and thoughtless. I would go out of my way to ensure I wouldnt remind a new bride on her wedding day about the old hag of an ex who was waiting in the wings. Urgh, seems to me these friends either need to go slow on their drinking or they have suddenly become busom buddies with BM and have appointed themselves as her mouthpiece. Simply bad manners, bad wedding etiquette and I would cross them off of your anniversary party guest list.
I know its hard to retain your sense of humour when you feel like you have someone shadowing you, but my advice is to cut off as much contact relating to anything to do with BM (minus the skids ofcourse). So surround yourself with real friends who are sensible enough to assess whether you *need* to know what BM has said or done. If she is just going about shooting her mouth off, bigging herself up and plain bullshitting then they shouldnt tell you - besides its nothing new, seems to me that she has an old script she likes to whip out and dust off the cobwebs every now and again, for dramatic effect and to make herself feel better. Minimise all talk, discussion about BM. Its hard when BM is intruding in all aspects of your life and as a result your feelings on the subject are threatening to overwhelm you, but make a concerted effort to not ask about her to your skids, DH. Tell DH you dont want to hear about her unless its absolutely necessary for you to know what she has said/done, give him examples of things you would want to know (you know men, they need specifics). I had to do this, when my own BM tried to dominate and control my life and marriage, it does eventually get easier to do so and it does reduce your stress levels.
Your DH needs to learn to button his lip about BM, block her, stop defending her to you when she is acting in a threatening manner towards you. I dont care if its all bluster and an act on her behalf, its the intent which matters, and if BM is acting aggressive and unreasonably (I would say she is) then thats all DH needs to know, along with the only reason she is acting like that to you is because of him and his children. While he is not responsible for how BM acts, nonetheless they are the catalyst for you to be on the receiving end of abuse and hassle. He needs to remember that and perhaps you need to remind him of this the next time he feels the need to defend his EX WIFE to his present wife.
I would also think you have an idea of how she behaves and possibly some insight into her actions, so I would have an act ready to put on the next time some gossiping busy body decides to impart their knowledge of the BM car crash show to you e.g. "BM has said shes going to get you back...." YOU (Laugh): REALLY? To be honest I am too busy with my new step granddaughter, my new baby and husband to be worrying about poor BM. Perhaps BM should be funneling that energy into getting herself better, back on her feet and in shape than blaming me for her mistakes (read: fuck ups)Its such a shame she is like that..."
This will get back to BM, and she will ignite on the spot when she hears your patronising response along with rubbing salt into her sore spots regarding the reminder of what you now have and she wants!!! }:) Plus you havent said a single awful thing about her, its the truth!
Change the way you view this and turn it around on the bitch.
As for seeing her, make sure you look divine and sit as far away as possible from her. She is a worm beneath your foot. Remember YOU have everything she wants and therefore hold all the cards.
If she however threatens you, your child, your home, is abusive about you ensure you keep all evidence of this and report her arse to the police. Make sure you are calm when you inform DH and skids of this (ensure you tell them before BM does) and explain the impact her seeminly obsession with you is taking on you and the baby. Use any means possible to provide this woman with as much rope to continue hanging herself with and dont think twice about it.
Thanks ladies. I really
Thanks ladies. I really needed to hear all of this. I am healthy and younger and we are so happy that I know it must hurt her. Pregnant hormones make me super insecure, and thinking of her hot and seemingly sober at the trip we all have together (four days total in close proximity at SD's tournament) in March - when I am large pregnant- had me very down. instead I will focus on being me, happy and healthy, and looking cute and pregnant with DH'S much wanted baby...and also on supporting SD through that time which will be hard for her no matter what. THanks!
...when you are "large
...when you are "large pregnant"... with a huge symbol of the fact that DH HAS MOVED ON!
I was kind of in a similar
I was kind of in a similar situation...I know in DH's case, one reason he wouldn't trash the ex because it made feel bad he made such a bad choice. So she couldn't be the psycho hose beast from hell, she was the person with many good qualities he drifted apart from, lol. Of course, if he is being honest, it was a huge mistake for him to marry her, and she was always a hose beast, but for him to admit that means he was a schmuck who was taken in by her act....and he isnt going to admit that!
My DH is older and of the
My DH is older and of the generation where a gentleman never said anything bad about an ex-wife.
It drives me crazy because I would like to trash her ass at every opportunity which just makes him want to defend her.
He likes to talk about how smart she is because she has a degree in a science (from a pitiful school). I have a degree and a master's degree in science and engineering from one of the top universities in the country. How dare he compare her to me!!!!
She is not stupid - but is mentally ill.
I EXPECT...once the scrag
I EXPECT...once the scrag gets sober...she will not want another womans husband ...
Go read 'the Prince' its about political Spin.... really mess with her head if you want....
stupid bitch....
I was talking to my gf today and I said that If I find any dirt on the ex bitch my husband married- Im going to stick it on her fb page for all to see....
hopefully there should be one of the fat slut nude....
may even stick it on one of them cam sex sites with her phone number..... }:)