What to do about MIL
Tell me if I'm wrong. It's hard to put 6 years of nonstop drama. I've been in their lives 14years and they are now 19 and 17. The first year's were good until I got pregnant with my now 5 year old. I'm just tired of the fighting and just blocked them and my MIL. I cannot go back and forth with all the apologies, then one of them gets mad, wants us to guess why they are mad and don't come ar9und for many months at a time(this is how we figure out something is wrong). It's so draining. I've been doing it so long because of my child(their sister) and for my husband but now the most recent crap is them both texting my husband begging him to leave me because I'm evil and that I'm the reaspn everything is wrong I'm a gaslighted and the newest insult is I'm a du*** st**** bt** who does drugs. Which actually is completely false and I'm about to graduate as a NP. My daugjter goes to a private schopl great home and we have a good relationship. The one told us recently she's upset about how perfect our younger ones relationship is and makes her sad. I've offered many times to do family counseling and talk and i constantly get shut down and told to stfu. The disrespect is crazy. When I've shown the horrible messages I've gotten to MIL she says they are mad what do u expect. Like it's ok to call me names because they are mad? They want to constantly say I'm the problem and split up my family now but I'm the one who gaslights? It makes no sense.
I told my husband after 6 years of back and forth and countless nights of stress and not sleeping i can't do it anymore. If im not good as a mom I'm no good to anyone.
I've said all this and again im wrong always wrong I need to apologize. I cannot even tell u how many times I've told my husband to call them or do stuff for them or how much money of my own I've spent on them the last 14 years.
This trigger last time was not doing anything for their birthdays. Wellll one we haven't seen in 10 months because she wore a bra to christmas and I asked if I could get her a towel and the other one hasn't ever thought about any of our birthdays and shes 19. And she sent me a 3 page list of what she wants.
No thanks. I found that rude. I'm not a bank.
I'm just done.
Now idk how to handle this MIL thing.
my 5 year old adores her and she's always been constantly in her life unlike her sisters. It would make me very sad to permanently block her like I did to the adult children.
Advice?
It sounds like you are the
It sounds like you are the family punching bag. Why has your husband allowed this? Why have you allowed/tolerated this suffering for all these years? What does your DH say about all of this? It sounds like abuse to me.
I wouldn't share anything with MIL. She clearly isn't on your side.
Have you all been to counseling about these issues? What do you want? What can you do to get what you want?
I have gone to counseling for
I have gone to counseling for 3 years. Because of the loss of 2 kids I loved for so long turning against me the pain was unbearable. But I've felt it all and finally accepted. If I could get what I want it would be for us all to sit down and hash it out or do that w a counselor. All the older girls do is text and talk meanly via text. For YEARS. It's just draining. No one is teaching them that talking it out is best.
It’s call here. Disengaging.
What is no contact with MIL. and her family. No texts, or e-mails [does anyone e-mail?] to MIL. Your SK mean nothing to you, they have a BM and BF. YOU are not one of them. You may love them, but they don't love you. You can't expect them to go against there BM.
I think you've hit the end of
I think you've hit the end of your tolerance. It's okay to say "I'm tapping out. I will no longer try, I will no longer respond to nasty. I am not going to be the person other people blame their failures on. I am going to focus on my marriage and my child and that's it. "
And you know what?
It's okay to drop the rope. Focus on your kiddo, your marriage, your own circle of friends/family. You did not destroy anything, you are done being the blame taker.
Then drop that rope and move on. How they cope is on them.
It does seem like you are the
It does seem like you are the punching bag. Correct me if I'm wrong but it doesn't seem like your husband is doing much to support you during all of this with his kids and mom. What does your husband say to his kids when they call you those horrible names?
I'm assuming it's him they're saying this to since you've blocked them on text. Next time they say something rude about you to their dad he needs to shut it down immediately with a loud voice, "NO you will not talk that way about my wife and if you do I am leaving right away.
He can do this with MIL too
As far as MIL, I would actually block her as she is toxic and says bad things that are not helping. I would not visit her either. She does not seem like a friend. She is supporting the kids that are treating you like crap. You have every right to set these boundaries
A lot to unpack.. so I will
A lot to unpack.. so I will just kind of do some points.
1. If you aren't and haven't done drugs.. then your husband needs to set that record straight with his daughters.
2. Kind of a follow on.. it is your HUSBAND's responsibility to manage his relationship with his daughters.. how to parent them.. and how to set standards of behavior for them.. and it is HIM that should be coming down on them for their disrespectful treatment.. He is their father.. you are not their mother.
3. You having a good relationship with your bio might be melancholy for the child who is viewing her own experience differently.. but it isn't something you failed to do for them.. you are not their parent. .. people often look at other people's experiences as better and are jealous.. but the reality is all relationships have ups and downs.. and they take multiple parties to make them work best.. so, don't hold on to that guilt... you aren't to blame for it.
4. Stop for the love of all that is holy, involving your MIL in your issues with his daughters. She is not your friend or ally. Triangulating and drawing her into the drama is not going to be helpful. She is explaining the behavior.. they are hurt.. that may not be a good "excuse" but it's the reason.. and she is their grandmother.. so she will take their side. My own MIL still has a relationship with her DIL's from her son's prior marriages.. it is what it is.. it's not particularly loyal.. but she isn't "MY" friend either.. we have a cordial relationship.. but not someone I spend any amount of time with or on.
5. Let your child have a relationship with MIL.. but set boundaries that time spent.. events attended will not be joint with your DH's EX.. and if your child starts coming back with alienating behavior and stories.. then the contact should stop.