oh and withholding sex.....

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Talk about it. Talk rationally. Talk emotionally. Talk loudly, if you have to. But talk about it. If nothing changes, at least you know you had your say in it. Not everything is worth an argument, so only YOU know what you can and cannot tolerate.

That seething silence that eats at you, from my experience, does nothing but make you a silently, seething, gonna-tear-my-hair-out, crazy person. And when Momma isn't happy, no one is happy.

Verbalizing our fears can really put them into perspective and since fear is the base of anger, then it may help dissipate your anger, too.

Oh, and glaring at DH from afar doesn't hurt either. Over zealous salad tossing seems to get a message across, too. And hair brushes flying through the air may seem like a good idea at the time, but once it hits and breaks the TV, then not such a good plan afterall.

Talk. Talk loudly, if you have to, but talk it out.

I hate to say, we have loud, even screaming 'discussions'. I know our neighbors hate us (we live in a condo) so we do try to keep it down once we realized.

Also, and I know this is terrible, but when we are really mad we make plans to split up and what we will do then that we can't do now! It sounds terrible but it has become a joke now and a signal that we need to lighten up.

Also occasionally I sleep on the couch, that really drives him crazy for some reason? but its really uncomfortable to try to sleep there all night.

Most Evil

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

I dont yell, scream or throw things - perhaps I should have *evil grin*, at least I may have felt momentary better at times. Anyhow DH was once again going to "take the high road" and insert BM into where she didnt need to be or had no idea about anyways.

It was a year ago and we were downtown shopping for my daughters christmas present and I just lost it. After trying to explain my position and how I felt that she had no business in what we were discussing he basically said he was going to do it anyways. I guess after 5 years of total frustration, despair, anger etc - I could see nothing ever changing in my future - I stopped, turned around and walked off without saying a word. I felt angry and defeated. I fully intended on taking a taxi home or risking my life hitchhiking rather than ride home with his ass.

Anyways that was a huge wake up call to him. And was the last time he (consistantly) put skids and bm ahead of his wife. Wish I had done it a lot sooner... *sigh*

I think my ex gf did the withholding sex part; I would go read and be quiet; there were several times I would not sleep in "our" room but go and sleep in my daughters bedroom. We tried to talk, but her kids temper tantrums just kept getting worse and worse. They would scream at everyone for hours and hours; tear things up and run away.

So when she started yelling at me, I left. I don't think screaming; yellin and throwing things does anything but create a dysfunctional atmosphere. If we are also trying to raise kids (bio and/or step) what kind of examples are we setting for them?

Most Evil had an interesting suggestion -- "what if we split up" what is missing and going to be missed?

I guess something I hope I have learned is never say/do something in a fit of anger you wouldn't do if you had thought about it. It might be something that will be regretted the rest of your life.

Kevin

I should say, that we don't yell when SD is around, otherwise it is just the two of us here, I wish she was around more.

Also, when I say talk about what we can do, it is along the lines of 'watch the TV shows I want, eat out at a restaurant, travel more, have a neater house, play electric guitar very loudly in peace (him), not have to clean the kitchen 10,000 times a day'!

Even,'play on StepTalk all day if I want to'!!! ha ha

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

Especially if the kids are here. i go in another room so that i can calkm down and think of ways to explain why i am so mad. i rarely have to tell people that i am angry - it is written all over my face.

We had a louder than normal discussion about SD the other night. She is a terrible eavesdropper and I think she overheard. i was so angry i didn't care. i didn't say anything that i would not say to her face. that conversation actually got through to my fiance, so I think talking it out is always worth it.

It is not the best way to manage the situation. In fact, everytime I have a conversation with BM (no step-wife, cruella) she tells me, "the kids said you were in a bad mood the WHOLE time they were with you". Oh right, their shitty behavior and my role as outsider, only enables me to be silent or discipline which we agreed was not my role. So, yes, I smolder, stay quiet, or leave the premises. You see, no matter what we do it doesn't help. Jumping in and parenting is frowned upon, but staying quiet when your world is being disrespected and violated is judged. No winning. You asked I responded. Yes I smolder and I wish I had more of Mother Teresa in me.

lol... prescibed and legal of course. lol

sometimes I think Cruella and I are the same person. I TOTALLY disengage from him, find another hobby (my most recent plight...educating myself on how to become a millionaire), engross myself in MY children only, OR, worse comes to worse (like it did last weekend) I completely went on strike and laid on the couch from sun up till sun down. The poor DH didn't know what hit him or what the heck to do when he realized he wasn't getting a hot meal! Guess that forces them to TALK.

I used to send him an email at work. He was having such anger issues d/t the PTSD that there wasn't a good way to approach him about anything. So I would write it all down in an email, which he would read at work that night, then the next morning we would talk. It gave us both time to think and not react. Since he completed his PTSD treatment program, I feel like I CAN talk to him, but a lot of times I go back and forth over whether or not I really SHOULD talk to him. Sometimes waiting a little while and mulling it over helps me see if it's a battle worth fighting or if it's something that has no consequence if I let it go. Surprisingly, most things die off on their own or resolve themselves or I move on without having to get into a battle with him. The things that linger or have no resolution, I just say, "Hey, can I talk to you about _____?" And then we have at it. But when he makes me mad? I'm a stomper and a slammer. He's a yeller and a thrower. The way you know we're fighting is he out in the garage throwing tools and stuff around on his workbench and I'm in the kitchen slamming cabinet doors. ;o)

~ Anne ~

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I used to take crap & allow resentment to build up inside of me. Not anymore. First off, I try to get some alone time to really evaluate if I am being overly sensitive. Then I usually confront that person in a way that they understand. Most times I try to confront them objectively, like an adult, usually in an email so I can edit what I have to say & remain objective. Then they can stew about it for a while before they reply. But there are some people that don't hear you or understand what you are saying unless you are yelling, cussing & throwing things. Then they go, "oh, I didn't know you meant it." Well duh! Sometimes, giving the person the silent treatment works too. I guess you have to know your audience.

Hipi

Thats just my way. I've always done that. I do not have a classy calculating way about me. If I'm mad - that takes over. If I'm happy - its contagious. If I'm sad - I'm bawling for hours. I can't control my emotions so when I'm really livid I throw the most contakerous fit that you've ever seen. This last fight lasted a week. A week of yelling which turns to standoffishness, which turns to "I don't need you" I need my space stay away from me, which turns to him realizing that he can't stand another agonizing minute away from my affection, in which case the make-up happens. Hey, At least I'm being honest...

If I am sooo angry about something, I know that is NOT the time to talk about it... otherwise my DH WILL just block me out, period. He's very sensitive, and defensive- especially when it comes to issue of him I have personally. The other reason is that if I'm angry, sometimes I can't think fast or with the clarity that I want. I don't have rage issues, and it's really hard to get me angry, annoyed yes, but angry not really... and when I do get angry, I quickly cool down. I do have a sharp tongue, and I usually am the type that can look at you calm and collective, speak to you with very blunt stolid voice. I have been told that you can feel the room get as cold as ice and my eyes pierce through you and that I can be quite intimidating. LMAO! So, I bare that in mind, because, think about it... if you're upset about something, your objective should be to work through it, not against it, and if you say nothing ever about it, what message are you sending? So, I usually wait it out, until I can collect my thoughts, then approach in a calm fashion- in any form that is workable... verbally, emails, letters, actions, etc.

But on the other hand, I have to admit that often when I do sit back and scrutinize the issue, I often find that it's really MY issue and mine alone, if that makes sense? I ask myself questions... Why does it bother me? What is the impact on me? What is my goal? What resolution do I want if I say something? What do I NOT want to hear? etc. I start my own dialogue in my head, and often I've found that it's really just me over analyzing or uncomfortable with something that's not in my control. Once I have figured out where or what I am feeling, than often I have my own answer. But I still try to talk about it in a non-confrontational manner- even if it's subtle without words but by actions. A lot of issues can be solved by just being honest with yourself.

I have done the good ole silent treatment... but generally that is when my DH is upset at me, and he doesn't want to talk to me about it. I don't poke around at him, but rather just leave him alone, and let him sort his own issues out, etc. If he wants to talk about it, I don't pressure him, I let him talk.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

I am so mad, the only thing I want to hear from him is an apology and an acknowledgment of what he did wrong. And of course I don't get that. So I get madder and madder. And he acts like nothing is wrong, which makes me madder still.

So, the silent treatment doesn't necessarily work for me, it's just what I do.

He's mad that I am mad at him. So, two examples from this morning:

1. He's out of underwear. I have that load (underwear and socks) sorted but haven't put them in the wash. He actually went through it, picked out ONLY his underwear, and put them in the wash. I don't mind him doing laundry (I'm the only one who does it), but I think that was deliberately petty. I wonder how he would feel if I only did my own laundry the next few loads...

2. I had my annual company meeting this morning. I can't be late. So he drove the car last night, left it with less than 1/8 of a tank of gas, and didn't tell me. I got in this morning and had to get gas, almost making me late for my meeting. So I only put $6 in, just enough to get me to my meeting and home again. Ha!

The petty thing is not pretty, but two can play that game...