What in gods name has DH and BM created!?
Ever feel like your the only mentally sane person in the room??
SS14 is basically TOTALLY out of control at home and now it's overflowing into school. SS14 teachers have been emailing/calling saying SS14 is refusing to do work in class. Guess he just sits there. The teachers go over and try and get him to do SOMETHING but he refuses. The teachers set up times during school of SS to meet with a Tutor and SS just does not show up. Even with DH offering help at home SS refuses to do HW. When the teachers ask SS if he cares if he fails SS no he does not care. The school tried after school detention to get work done but again SS just sits there refusing to do any work.
The school said they can't force SS to do the work and asking for Suggestions. Does anyone have Suggestions on how the parents and school can be on the same page so SS does not Manipulate each side
Military school.
Military school.
Jist kidding.
Sorta.
You have to find something that he responds to. Punishment doesn't seem to work so maybe a carrot instead of a stick? If he goes to class and does his homework he gets paid for it at the end of the week.
You have no clue how I wish we could
You have no clue how I wish we could Ship him off the Military school preferably on the other side of the country. But that would never happen.The money thing would probably work and be a good idea with a NORMAL teen. SS14 is not normal. SS14 is VERY selfish and money hungry and if we started paying him to go to school it would turn into a complete disaster. SS14 would want money to brush his teeth, shower, use the bathroom think you get my point. SS14 already wants to know “whats in it for me” when we ask him simple requests like bring your dirty clothes down to the washing machine.
What's in it for you? you
What's in it for you? you don't have to go around people smelling like you haven't washed your butt in a month.
I also vote for military school... haha.
But, barring that, there are a few things that need to happen if they haven't already.
1. Clear expectations from his dad.
Look son, I know that you may not like doing your work in school, but at this point of your life it's your JOB to do that. You may think you are getting over on people when you don't do things like not do your schoolwork or not brush your teeth.. but in the end, the only person that is truly being hurt by your behavior is YOU. Sure, I'm disappointed that you aren't working harder and neglecting things, but I have graduated.. I have a good job.. I have a nice home and the teeth in my head are in decent shape. I'm not sure what you expect your options will be when you turn 18 if you don't manage to get a HS diploma... even the military expects some minimal requirements and hate to break it to you but your life won't be as luxurious as it is now if you don't have a way to earn money and things like "sports/music/professional gamer" are things that only a very few, super dedicated and skilled people will ever attain.. there are multiples of losers that thought those things would pan out that are eating out of the garbage and living in the roach motel. And bathing? brushing teeth? Caring for your clothes? Well.. you got one body son.. if you neglect it, you can expect to have it let you down and/or suffer thousands of dollars in medical/dental procedures to keep the shambles you have let yourself become going.
I expect you to treat school as your job. I expect you to maintain cleanliness and hygiene standards for bathing, clean clothes and your room.. and what you get out of those things is a future.. your future. I am living mine.
2. Currency consequences... your DH needs to figure out what the currency is.. access to his phone? other electronics? ability to play a sport? Freedom to see his friends? All those things can be curtailed if he isn't performing to standard.
He can even tie his basic allowance if he gets one to maintaining basic standards of behavior.. and not doing that means a reduction or elimination.
He can also set incentives for performance.. a goal if he meets certain academic standards.. monetary.. experience.. material item... extra freedoms.
Ideally, both his parents will present some united front so that he can't squirrel out of consequences and expectations.
Military School worked wonders …
For my dad, for me, for my younger brother, and for my Skid.
I recommend NMMI. Top 20 boarding school in the US, beautiful campus and facilities, incredibly affordable.
Ask Rags
about military school. We wanted to send SS19 there, but he was already 17 almost 18 and too late.
I'm sorry I have no other suggestions.
Does he not do his work because he just doesn't feel like it or is he having trouble with the work?
If not miltary school, a
If not miltary school, a bootcamp for the summer. They have all kinds of at risk kid programs. I would be presenting DH with them and make sure to leave everything you have printed or sent right on the kitchen counter for SS to see!
Youth Challenge
They have them in every state, run by Army/National Guard. It's FREE. There is an interview process with parents and kid. I can't remember the exact time of the program....4-6 months, if I remember correctly. I know this because we got DHs youngest daughter there at age 16 (soon to be 17) and I did all the "paperwork" and visits since DH was overseas at the time. She had failed the 8th grade yet again and the private ultra Christian school she went to refused to keep her and the public school system advised her to go to adult ed. Youth Challenge provided the instruction and supervision she needed.
You can try to incorporate some behavior modifications within your home but at his age and with the defiance your describe, I don't see much change happening in him without some serious intervention. Best to you.
And there isn't much time
And there isn't much time left to debate about it. Moves need to happen quickly.
Schoolwork
SD15 Backstabber/munchkin wasnt doing her work, and was failing a few classes her freshman year. I was the only one tech savvy enough to find out and at that time the parents initially supported me. I made her do her work, she gave up her weekends, sat at the table and we checked them off the list. I bought her stuff, rather than pay her. I paid for an art workship, I bought her rosin for her violin. I zoom-called teachers. I called to check in and make sure she had a plan.
She was getting A's and B's and doing all her work.
Then that spring vacation along came her friend Kansas City. Its a Kansas City number, so she gets that name. Calls that lasted several hours and many texts throughout the day even during her in class time. Then she stopped doing her work. Andstopped responding to my emails/texts asking her about doing her work.
So - I threatened to cut off her phone. Backstabber/Munchkin activated Toxic troll against me, who threatened full custody. Accused me of "harassment". I told her Im done. She told me "you didnt help me anyway". I said, fine, you do you.
I disengaged, she ended up failing art, d in orchestra, and bs and cs everything else.
This year I am fully disengaged. Im not asking about school or classes. I just pass the grade report to DH. I dont tke her shopping, or lunch dates, or anything fun. I dont plan fun family time things. She just stays in her room talking on the phone all evening, and all weekend. Not my circus.
ANyways, thats what I did and thats what happened. DH had told me I had full authority and yet failed to back me up when I used it and there was a backlash.
I read your previous post
I read your previous post about ss staying up to all hours playing video games. Is he still doing this and even on school nights?
If so, he's probably too sleep deprived to give a crap about anything.
Or maybe he needs to talk to a therapist that specializes in teens to see what is behind the reason he doesn't care about himself succeeding.
A kid behaving like this
A kid behaving like this still has access to his game console? really????
This is something his parents need to get on the same page about. He maintains minimum standards which means cleanliness/hygiene and completes his work with sincere effort for school or he will lose his access to all his electronics for however long it takes for him to straighten himself up and fly right.
Conversation goes like this.
Son, You are a smart and capable kid. It is frustrating and disappointing to see you put in no effort at home or at school. As a parent, it's my job to encourage you to do your best and be prepared for life. You have the natural ability, but you aren't using it.
As of today, you are on notice that I expect better... I'm going to give you a list of non-negotiable things you must do to remain in my good graces. My good graces means you will continue to have access to things like your phone, game console, the internet, nice things and fun activities.. and even time with your friends outside of school. You fail to turn your performance around, you will lose those things for as long as it takes to get back on track. For exceptional performance.. which we can go over later, I'm even willing to provide additional incentives if you reach certain goals.
At home you will:
Bathe daily and brush teeth 2x day wear deoderant and brush/comb your hair.
You will keep your room in a clean state. no dirty dishes or food laying around and laundry will be brought to the laundry room 2x a week. you make your bed daily and change sheets and put dirty ones in the laundry once a week. You will maintain the bathroom you use and clean it with supplies we will provide you.
At school you will do work as assigned by your teachers, pay attention in class and do any work or activities assigned outside of school if needed. You will be respectful to your classmates and teachers.
I will be asking for a report in one week on your progress at school and will be monitoring your behavior and obligations at home.. if you meet them great.. you get to keep access to the things you have now. You fail to hold up your end of the bargain? We will start with no games/phone/internet for one week and reevaluate. If you still have not improved after that week, you will no longer be permitted outside activities and friend visits.
SS has a BM and BF
You are not one of them. If his BM and BF isn't doing anything, then there nothing you can do. His parents don't want to parent him. Time for you to disengage from The Whold clown show. Just make sure there an exit plan in place for SS. As he can not live with you after high school. Because BM will want to dump him onto you
If your DH is willing to step
If your DH is willing to step up and actually parent, he should remove every privilege and luxury SS has until his behavior at home and his performance at school improve. Phone, tv, video games, sports, outings with friends, etc.
Another thought - does your school district have or have access to an alternative school? If he's not willing to work at his regular school, maybe a change of scenery would help. The alternative school for our county had a lot of counselors, teachers with experience handling difficult kids, and very small class sizes. It also has some kids who are a bad influence and plenty of access to drugs, so there is a down side. I know a couple kids who needed only half a semester at the alternative school to get back on the straight and narrow and eagerly return to our high school.