What has happened to discipline?
My husband has always been a pushover when it comes to SD14. I have tried to disengage. So much so that evidently SD asked my husband the other day why I never ask her to do anything. Hello, every time I did it was WWII with me being yelled at by SD and husband.
Here's my latest problem. Husband's work offers tickets to certain events, awarded via drawing. Husband won tickets to a volleyball event (SD plays vball). SD was supposed to go, even though it was not our weekend. Thus, husband was to get SD Saturday evening and, I thought, she would stay with us until school on Monday (she goes to school with us and BM lives in a town an hour away).
Saturday evening comes, and SD calls. She wants husband to come pick her up, but then she wants him to take her back to BM's after the event so she can get some stuff. He tells her no because event starts at 7 pm and won't be over until 9:30 or so. That would make it after 11 pm before he would get home. Plus, she knew about this event in advance and he told her to have her stuff ready. She didn't bother.
So she hangs up on him. She's not there for this event, and we have tickets. The kicker is that if husband doesn't use those tickets, he is ineligible for the drawing for six months! So husband ended up taking BD4, who is not interested in volleyball, just so we wouldn't lose the chance to get tickets to something she might like in the future.
My issue is that NOTHING happened to SD. He didn't reprimand her for hanging up on him or discipline her for making him "waste" the tickets. They could have gone to someone who would use and enjoy them. BD4 had to "fill in" for 14-year-old. Am I out of line to think SD should have been disciplined for her role in this whole scenario?
(Since I "disengaged," SD NEVER gets punished for anything. Doesn't do her chores, spends all evening every evening on the cell phone and computer, ignores half-sisters, etc. My husband doesn't want to discipline her, I think, because he knows she would prefer to live with BM and he wants to stay on her good side.)
Sometimes less is more
I hear you, Elizabeth, about the SD14--it's so tough because she's not a child anymore, so discipline and tactics have to change to fit where she is developmentally. IMHO, it sounds like your DH did the right thing by not caving into SD's demands in the situation.
Kids at that age always test the waters, and your SD14 is no different. The game was just a symptom of the underlying issue. What do you think she really wanted by attempting to manipulate the situation with her dad? Control? Attention? To lash out?
When her dad did not cave into her demands, she LOST. Not only did she miss the game, she couldn't control her dad. Trust me, she felt the pain. When faced with that sort of situation with a teenage SD, my DH and I learned (though many mistakes and couseling sessions, by the way)that a calm nonchalance was effective. Our SD14 (at the time) was expecting that her rude actions would provoke us into another lather--which would demonstrate that she could control us. We learned to present just the opposite:
"I'm sorry that you chose not to attend the game sweetie. You missed a really good time. We love you and missed your company, but we easily filled your seat. The next time a special opportunity comes around we'll remember how you chose to behave before we decide whether or not to include you again. " THE END. Then change the subject.
That kind of approach worked for us when we finally decided to take control away from the SD14. Oh, we are still struggling with all the skids for sure, but we have learned the importance of staying calm at all times (sometimes I want to puke I am so angry!). Also, we have a mantra that they are all very sick of hearing:
"You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."
Yeah, $100,000 of drug rehab for the SD14 three years later afforded us that little bit of wisdom, so I share.
I wish you all the best!