What it's like to be the new woman
I'm so tired of being told that I need to be more understanding of his ex-wife's "situation". Yes, they split-up and life is very different for both them, as well as their two young children (who are adapting very well I should mention). No matter what his ex does or how she behaves she's given a pass because, you know, she's lost her marriage and is adjusting to life on her own. But should that ever give someone the right to be so ungrateful and unappreciative. I understand jealousy. I understand feeling threatened and replaced. I've had to watch previously significant others move onto new relationships, and although it was never easy, I would also never create conflict over it, and I would certainly never take it out on the new woman. Everyone presumes that because I'm the new woman, I have nothing to lose. But I feel like I've lost so mush because of his ex-wife. I didn't get my honeymoon phase. I got ripped off. The moment my boyfriend and I started dating, his ex-wife, their past, and their present communications (including the hostility over my existence), overshadowed me and our blossoming relationship. So I"m tired of being told I need to walk in her shoes. I am a good person who treats my partner and his kids well. I'm don't presume to think that our situations are equal, divorce is a very life changing event, but walk in my shoes! I'm not an evil woman steeling away your man and your children.
Are any of you tired of everyone feeling sorry for your partners ex-wife while simultaneously having no regard for your feelings, and treating you like an outsider? My partners family does this well. They have been so concerned about being sensitive towards his ex that they forgot that I have feelings too. They aren't mean, they just don't put in any effort with me. And the worst is, when I voice these feelings to my partner he thinks I'm being silly. But just like his ex-wife, I've gone through an emotional roller-coaster too. It's not easy being in a relationship with a man who has children with another woman. There are a lot of extra complications to deal with and hoops to jump through. And nice things that should come naturally in a new relationship are suffocated under the weight of the ex-wife. I wish my partner and his fmaily would try and relate to my struggles for once.
If your partner thinks you
If your partner thinks you feel silly cause you do not want to walk in his Ex's shoes... you should start talking about him as your Ex partner.
I never experiences any of what you are talking about, not even with the dreadful In-laws, they immediately cut all ties with BM, telling her she's not part of the family any more, this after the divorce..
SO once compared me with BM, he still regrets it till this day...
hey he did it 14 years
hey he did it 14 years ago..... still regrets it }:)
I wish his family would have
I wish his family would have this mentality. I don't even care if they cut ties with her, just don't exclude me! I have done nothing wrong.
We waited a really long time
We waited a really long time before the kids knew that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 1.5 years to be exact. They have been the only ones who have made this process easy. They like me, I like them. We've never had any issues with them in terms of jealousy and they like having me around.
I feel like what I gave up was mostly emotional. In the past, when I've met a new man and started a new relationship, I didn't constantly feel like the bad guy because there was no one else feeling threatened by my existence. This is the first time I have dated a man with an ex-wife and children. In this case, my gain (my new bf) was looked at as someone elses loss. My new relationship automatically had a negative connotation attached to it. In his ex-wife's eyes and his families eyes, I was a representation of something lost - a family torn apart. Even though in reality I had nothing to do with their break-up (I had not even met him when they split), it was like I was the final nail in the coffin. This put a dark cloud over our new relationship.
Hi ex-wife is by no means a total nightmare. I've heard stories and although she is completely selfish and ungrateful, she isn't out to destroy us or our relationship with the kids. I'm mainly tired of feeling like the outsider though. His family (he has 2 sisters) exclude me from things. Like for instance, I hosted the kids birthday party last summer (I love planning things and being creative) and at the end of the day they went on facebook and posted a photo and a "thank you for a wonderful day", but on my boyfriends page with no mention of me. He didn't even lift a finger! It was at my cottage, financed completely by me and come on, as if my boyfriend is going to sew unicorn horns for all the children lol. And although many photographs were taken to remember that day, there wasn't a single one with me in it. I'm fairly sure that the reason behind this was that they didn't want his ex to see that they were including me because they didn't want to hurt her feelings. But it hurt MY feelings.
I also feel like there has been a ton more conflict than there would have been if his ex didn't exist. My partner does not understand what it feels like to be the first woman after a divorce. He is totally unable to put himself in my shoes but yet I am constantly trying to understand and adapt to his life. It's been tiring... mentally exhausting, to say the least
I don't think I'm creating my
I don't think I'm creating my own drama. It sounds like you are just another person who doesn't understand.
I shouldn't have to abandon a relationship with a man that, with all these BM situations aside, would be a great match for me.
Yes!
Yes!
What you're saying is true.
What you're saying is true. Honestly, if he even remotely sympathized/empathized with my situation and feelings on this matter, I would probably not even be bothered by BM. But sometimes, even though I'm his current partner, I feel so alone. It's not like he's a bad man. He's got great qualities. This just isn't one of them.
I can relate so much to this
If SO would at least try toshow some consideration for my feeling, I wouldn't feel so rejected or pushed away every time his ex-wife does something inapropriate. I would feel much safer and accepting and could get over so much more. His not understanding is what is bothering me, not his ex-wife or her actions.
sure they have... they just
sure they have... they just usually go to prison once the BM-ectomy is performed
Thank you
Thank you
By that logic, you should
By that logic, you should feel sorry for every divorced woman.
So are you still planning to
So are you still planning to move in with your BF this fall? You might want to hold off on that, if that is still the plan.
Sounds as if some things still need worked on before taking that plunge. Because once you move in, well those kiddies are there Dad's entire 50/50 schedule. No running home to your own house. At least keep your current house (open and ready) for a bit longer.
What "issues" of BM are you being accused of insensitivity to? The lady got divorced. She chose to sign the papers and move on. Is it easy raising two twin six yr old 50% of the time? No, but it isn't any harder for BM than it is for your BF. Two kids, are two kids. They have the same needs that they did when Dad and Mom were married. She has to work, juggle a home and the job, put one foot in front of the other.
Are you perhaps making things too easy for your BF? If you're racing in playing nanny and housekeeper for Dad, knock it off. Why? Because that sh*t grows real old, real fast. Too many ladies run in willing to try too hard and do too much of the parenting for the father.
With the girls only being six, there has to be some co-parenting communication (school is ready to start, supplies and clothing, school health checks and all that stuff).
What's going on and why is BF's extended family sticking their nose and two cents in about?
No, we are holding off on
No, we are holding off on moving in with each other. I told him he needs to sort out the schedule with his ex before we even think about moving in together. I told him I wanted at least 6 months to go by without him accommodating every ridiculous need of hers ("I need to go drink wine with my friends"). I think once she realizes that he's not going to cave into her every request, she'll stop asking. Previously he's said yes to everything so obviously she's going to keep asking.
As for BM, I think my very existence is seen as an insensitivity, which is what is so upsetting. I'm a reality! I'm not here solely to make BM feel threatened or jealous - she chooses to feel that way.
I have majorly stepped back with the kids. I still help out if he needs me to babysit and I still like talking to them and being there for them, but more like a friend instead of a parent. This has taken some of the stress away, which is great.
Ad yes, my partner and BM communicate quite regularly, but that's not a problem to me. It's quick and to the point, they aren't chit chatting or anything.
His family has always kind of avoided including me so as to not upset his ex. And now his ex has reached out to his sister (it's been almost 2 years since they've spoken) and his sister is going to go visit her next time she comes up this way. I just don't get it. This is BM...
- totally ungrateful of all the things my partner has done for her. He regularly accommodates her and she NEVER says thank you.She basically walks all over him.
- she's keeping the child benefits from him. They were supposed to split this 50/50 so that both households benefited equally
- she's been totally rude to me, although this has improved lately.
All of this and yet his sisters exclude me and include her still. It's mind boggling and hurtful.
I lived out in BC for 15
I lived out in BC for 15 years. My grandfather passed away and I took over the family business here in Ontario. All my friends are out west. It's been very difficult starting over in that regard. Finding friends at 38 is a bit challenging. And I work from home so I don't even have that social circle, really.
I know that he'll never understand what I've gone through to make it this far in our relationship. He's had it so easy. I came with zero complications lol.
Echo is right, both posts
Echo is right, both posts above... YOU can do much better than this; you're a great catch... Do not settle for this misery that will NOT change; it will only increase over time... Peace or hate your life, your choice right now...
So true. His friends have
So true. His friends have been very supportive as most of them didn't like her. From what I gather, his family wasn't super close to her either but I think they feel a loyalty towards her because of the kids. I don't even mind if they have a loyalty towards her though. You can still feel for her, and even keep in touch with her, without excluding me. It's seems they don't understand that. But yes, I'm at the point now where I don't even want anything to do with his sisters, which is kind of a horrible outcome because they're close.
the ex of your dh is not your
the ex of your dh is not your concern. she can be a drug addict and live in the street and its not your problem. you are not obligated to feel anything for her.
i know exactly how you feel. dh was so obsessed about what his ex would do or feel and somehow my feelings came in last. she had him totally whipped and i lost respect for him.
i feel for you, op. this is why second marriages go down the drain. stupid husbands.
BM-ectomy! Ha, love it. I
BM-ectomy! Ha, love it. I guess the closest you can get is as Acratopotes stated above.
I always say Americans have accepted divorce, but not step-parents. Kick my ass, if you want, but I'm always amazed how when a couple divorces, pretty much every relative under the sun is expected to pave the way for BM and bio-dad. Bio-dad or BM wants to go out with their new "friend" for the weekend, when it is their time to have the kids, and next thing you know, grandma is having to watch the kids for the weekend, and take in the dog and cat too and provide free entertainment and groceries for all. Sometimes I just wish anyone and everyone that the divorced couple tries to drag into their issues just says, "No!"
Another thing I always say is manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. I suppose what all this really means is that any woman dating a divorced man with children, really needs to look at the dynamics of the family first, before she gets too involved with DH. Because, once you all get involved, you'll be right smack dab in the middle of whatever messes have been concocted on either side, and it could include multiple family members. In that sense, you need to either stay out of the fray as much as possible, or just move on.
There is an old Chinese saying that goes, "Prior to marriage, have both eyes open." In other words, know what you going into ahead of time. However, the saying also adds, "Once you are in the marriage, close one eye." In other words, now you are in a position where you have to pick your battles. Not sure if that is applicable here, but in any marriage, there are just some things that are going to follow you the rest of your married life or life. Better to try to change those issues right off the bat, if you can.
You cannot control how his relatives are going to act, but if your DH is already being dismissive of your concerns, and you cannot get him to change, then realize that if you go on to marry him, it will probably always be that way. Many divorced men with children think that the new girlfriend or new wife is supposed to be the one doing all of the work with the kids--just like their ex- used to. And, when the new girlfriend or wife says, "What the hell is this! I didn't sign up for this!," DH will act like, "Oh, yes you did!" DH is their dad and he needs to be the one parenting and setting the rules, and paving the way FOR YOU. Not the other way around.
Love this post, idvilen! I
Love this post, idvilen! I was just trying to explain this to my close friend a couple weeks ago. That the societal center of gravity is "the spouse with the children is automatically the more important spouse." Well, that's methane fuel. (cow reference, er, bull reference)
Nowhere in the vows does it say, "Do you Mrs. Second Wife, agree to sublimate all your needs and take abuse and diminish yourself into a role smaller than you had as a human when single?" Ummm, no. Just no.
But that's the default expectation when you find yourself in one of these step marriages. Which is why stepmothers gravitate to each other because none of the rest of the freaking world can take their super biased glasses off.
BTW, OP, my in laws are AWESOME. They love me. They show it all the time. It has made my situation survivable. I don't know what people do when they are going through the inlaw mess that you are.
Yes, after a year and a half
Yes, after a year and a half of nothing, BM reached out to my partners sister. His sister then asked him if he minded if she went to see BM, and he said NO. He just has absolutely no clue how this makes me feel. BM has been a royal pain in the ass, and right now we are battling with her over child benefits (she has collected over $12,000 dollars in the last 16 months, half of which was supposed to go to his household, and hasn't). Not to mention what a pain in the butt she's been with all things concerning me. And he thinks his sister should go be friendly with her???? I wish he would step up and say,"how about you make a bloody effort with my current partner... the one who is not ripping me off and treating me like shit". But no... men are so.... UGH.
Controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell
^ This has been our number 1 problem.
I like that saying (One eye open, one eye closed). I'm definitely picking my battles lately.
I've majorly scaled back on what I do for him and the children too, and from my end, I have felt much better about it. Before I felt so unappreciated, now I just go with the flow. I can't feel unappreciated if I don't do anything to feel appreciated for
It's too bad it had to come to this though. The kids are so great, but their parents (BM AND my partner) ruined it for them by being controlling/selfish/ungrateful (BM) and weak and enabling (Partner). Their behaviors very much extinguished my enthusiasm and willingness to help.
I'm always curious in these
I'm always curious in these types of situations, why his sister wouldn't have asked you as well? I admit, it gives the appearance of being nice that she at least asked your DH (her brother), because often even that doesn't happen, but I'm thinking she probably already knew he'd say, "No problem." This always bothers me when there is some larger issue, and then neither DH nor his wife/partner is asked how they feel about the situation. It is just assumed, for example, that BM's or SK's ex- or dad will have no issue with whatever they want. I agree with steps sometimes it is difficult to figure out what would and would not be a larger issue, but since she asked her brother, this signifies she knew it might be, but she didn't ask the one whom she probably knew it would most bother--you.
Taking steps out of the equation, I wonder if brother went on to marry a woman and then the brother's old girlfriend of years kept hanging around and wanting to hang out with sis, and sis just asked the brother's permission to hang out with the ex- girlfriend and did not ask permission from her brother's spouse, how this would go over? Not sure.
All I can say is I get sick of tired of SMs being treated like they are in the way or don't matter. My DH always reminds me that even for him, being dad, he is often treated like he doesn't matter. Plans are made, he is not consulted, and he is just expected to show up and go with the plan, and these plans usually do not take his wife/SM into consideration at all, and the plans are usually such that he is expected to hook up with his ex- somehow at these events. I just wish more would see the ridiculousness of this--that even years after dad has been happily remarried, his ex-/adult children still get and expect primarily control over his being whenever they so choose, and the rest of society seems to go along with this.
In reality, not only should dad's input be sought out on these family events and setups, but his wife's should as well. His wife is his wife and his ex- is his ex-. If you're going to try to switch that up in any manner, shape or form and try to treat DH's ex- like his wife and DH's wife as some worthless ex-, and you are going to do such without permission from both, then karma would only be that you are reincarnated as a SM for your next three lives.
This is really where my
This is really where my original post stemmed from! I seem to be the only person looking out for me. And for my feelings. My partner doesn't. I think this is because he truly doesn't understand. He thinks his love should be enough, but part of that love is being supportive, and he's not because he doesn't see the problem. His ex, although she's told him NUMEROUS times that she thinks I'm insensitive towards her situation, has made zero effort to understand mine. As if emotionally, trying to help raise kids that popped out of another persons vagina is the easiest thing in the world. And that stepping into a life that actively involves his ex is also no biggie. And his sisters, through exclusion, have made it very obvious that they think having a relationship with his ex is more important than nourishing a relationship with me.
The kicker is, all I'm guilty of is being a pretty level headed and accommodating step mom. I almost think that because I do come across as confident and independent, and his ex comes across as sensitive and fragile, that they have chosen to support her.
And yes, it would have been nice if they had asked if I would be comfortable with the idea of them hanging out with his ex. It would have been extra nice if my partner had of said "I'm not sure if DogsAREeasier would really appreciate it" when they asked him about it.
I dreading this weekend. They're (his sisters) are going to go see her and then coming over here after because I'm hosting the twins bday party again. All I'm going to think is "What was said about me". I know BM is going to share her feeling with his sisters... she might not badmouth me, but I'm sure something will come up. And to me, that's just totally inappropriate.
All I can say is, anyone who
All I can say is, anyone who can come up with this line, “As if emotionally, trying to help raise kids that popped out of another persons vagina is the easiest thing in the world.” HAS to be a great SM, wife, and friend. You definitely need a snarky sense of humor to survive being a SM. DH's sisters are really losing out.
I also think, bottom line,
I also think, bottom line, being the second wife with children involved sucks. I experienced a lot of this when I married. BM told DH that she, the cheater and town tramp wasn't ready for him to marry again, 5 yrs after the it divorce and the children were so upset the needed counseling. It was all a big lie. One of many. I too watched my SIL's make ridiculous efforts with her when previously there had been none. I get it I do. This is not for the faint hearted ANF you are wise to read as much as you can before taking the leap. We've been married 15 years but there has been a lot of tough stuff along the way. I had two bios of my own who my new SIL's ignored on their birthdays for years. Just making me and mine feel all the more unaccepted. It's tough stuff.
Yep... when we first started
Yep... when we first started dating, my partner and I went to a hockey game with his sister and her husband. After having a few drinks his sister told my BF, right in front of me, that it was "too soon". Meaning she thought that it was too soon for him to be getting involved with me. I couldn't believe my ears. Talk about feeling like the elephant in the room!It really did not set a good tone for our relationship. I don't think she realized how hurtful those words were. She was just being honest... I guess to her, it was too soon. But my BF had been living the last 4 years in a shitty marriage. Too soon for what, for their miserable marriage to be over? Geesh.
You've made it a long way! That makes me hopeful.
My partner has said this to
My partner has said this to me lol! If I were made of steel I would put all his behaviors, as well as his BM's and families aside. You're right though, it's a mindset that I need to keep instilling in myself.
DH refers to BM as his
DH refers to BM as his practice wife. I'm the permanent one.
This isn't something I have
This isn't something I have personally experienced either from my ILs or my own family behaving in this way towards my bride.
As a husband it is also not something I would tolerate from either my ILs or my own family were it to occur.
I find the ball-less wonders who tolerate the treatment of their spouse in this manner to be reprehensible.
Luckily his parents are okay
Luckily his parents are okay with me.... it's his sisters, who we actually see far more often, that have made me feel like I'm a total outsider. I wish my partner had even an ounce of your understanding.
My DH and all his family hate
My DH and all his family hate BM and think she is a POS so no one feels sorry for her, which is nice. I would hate to be in your position where they are all tip toeing around her. Yuk. You have my sympathy.