what kind of boundaries should be set when BM comes to visit?
ok I am finally having a conversation with the BM about boundaries. I wanted this conversation to happen several months ago but BM constantly brushed me off. My engagement to marriage was not long. When we married the focus was on us getting a new home to us all. Unfortunately that has not been able to happen. When BM comes to visit she tries to act as if she runs everything. We have had a couple of arguments because of it. I understand she is the BM but Im the WIFE and this is Our house not BMs. I do not care if you once lived in this house its not yours now. the kids have structure and rules at our house whereas they do not at the BMs. i do not have any children of my own so i cannot relate but can say that before the BM moved back into town I was mom for 6months. My Husband and i have talked and he constantly wants me to be the bigger person because he knows she can take things out of hand. He has set her st8 a couple of times with the last time reinterating that I am in his life and im not going anywhere. Which brings her to come to me and say ok we need to talk about boundaries.I understand that it hasnt been long and she may need time to adjust to everything (like i said i dont have kids but BD has full custody). The things that irritate me the most is that when she comes to visit she wants to be able to give direction and discipline her own children which is fair if she gave direction and actually disciplined. She wants to be their "friend". I fall back and strongly suggest to her that its not the direction my husband would like the children to go but she quickly states these are my kids. My husband and I do not argue infront of the kids and he has made me promise not to argue with her in front of them. but when she visits and they are "her kids" my house is left in shambles. the kids are "flying off the rooftop" and I honestly have to get to a point where I just start disciplining. Thats where the arguments happen. She gets the kids on the weekends but constantly feels the need to come over almost everyday. It is irritating. Like i said MAYBE she needs to get use to e being around her kids. but i have been fulltime mom to them for 6months before she came back into the picture. so my question is when I have this convo what should i demand and how should it go?
thats the thing I want to
thats the thing I want to make sure im not being a Beyatch because i feel the same way. she claims she has every right to see her kids everyday. I must say that him having full custody was a mutual decision not decided by the actual court system. I honestly believe that my DH is afraid the court system would give the children to her and he wouldnt get to see the kids as often. so he does say something and it works for a while but then she goes back. the thing is she isnt on drugs, doesnt have a criminal record, or anything. she is just irresponcible but not to the point of neglect by state standards.
Why is she "visiting" you
Why is she "visiting" you guys so much? Our BM does not "visit" our house. She is no longer allowed to set foot in our house. She used to come inside when she would pick up the kids, but we put a stop to it after she was rude to me and my daughter one time too many. YOU have to set the boundaries for your home, for whatever is comfortable for you.
Two things need to be fixed.
Two things need to be fixed.
First of all KEEP HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. If your husband is fine with her visiting them each day, great. She needs to figure out a place other than your home to have those visits.
Second, you won't like this, but she is the mom, stop telling her how to parent.
You know you are right. I
:jawdrop: You know you are right. I cant tell her how to parent and her meeting the kids somewhere else other than our home would be best it solves both problems. thank you for your input i am really going to use that.
My BM would never ever be
My BM would never ever be allowed to step foot in my house - so there would be no boundaries as the whole piece of property that I own would be off limits. As far as disciplining the skids if you cook and clean and take care of them that includes disciplining so tell BM if she wants them back full time she is welcome to them - I love how these BM's want us to be slaves to their kids but not discipline them - I told DH before we got married that I would be disciplining SS and if he had a problem with it or if BM had a problem with it then SS could continue to live with her full time - we are 700 miles apart and since she wanted to be footloose and fancy free - she said no problem!!! Good luck and get the beast out of your house!!!
BM turned our door handle to
BM turned our door handle to walk into our house one day...errrrr NO! Get your ass back to your vehicle lady! DH had her removed from our property one time too. It's like stuff does not sink in? SD currently feels sorry for her mother, which is really a distraction designed by SD in order for not to deal with her own business...that being behave yourself, girl, and get through the levels of juvenile detention sentence and back to university and make a future for your own self. There is a point where kids think they can 'parent' their parents, though. SD is stunting her own personal growth, by allowing BM to get inside her head.
SD has horrendous behavior issues and can be very violent. Every time we get her to a place where she's doing well BM steps in and messes it all up! It's sickening. Everyone involved in the juvenile justice system knows the BM and wants nothing to do with her...what does that tell you? BM has FIVE kids, not one of them has a good word to say about their mother. SD is her last chance at getting anywhere with her kids and she messed that up...I hope SD realizes soon that her mother is not only physically sick but mentally ill too. We will keep encouraging SD to make forward progress, and keep up the positive reinforcement. Any time SD asks me to talk to her mom I will tell her that her mom really is a grown woman and she can make her own choices. SD will be 18 when she's released so we cannot stop her from going to live with her mom but we can stop the revolving door policy. The grass looks greener on the other side? Water and feed your own damned grass and keep IT green!! I will reiterate with her that she's really not going to be a help to her mother if she's not in school, or working, and keeping her own self decent and staying out of jail. I'll ask her how much of a burden it would be to her mother if she pulled all the stunts she pulled here? Her mother has MS and is constantly depressed etc. I do understand SD being sympathetic, I do understand her desire to help her mother but I also SEE and very well UNDERSTAND her other four kids who have nothing to do with her whatsoever. I might direct SD to her older sisters, both of whom we have a good relationship with. I told SD that I am sorry for her mother's troubles but she is not someone I'd choose as a friend. That left DH open for manipulations...he has no desire to speak with BM iether! DH is now taking a firmer line with SKids, a counsellor put him 'wise' LOL and not before time! I feel exhausted just thinking about it all!! I am going to stop thinking about it...there...
Love this glad you called the
Love this glad you called the cops on her and put her in her place
I would never disallow BF,
I would never disallow BF, SM, BM, or SD access to our home when they are invited to come over by us. That being said, we made a point to purchase a home that had never been home to any of the above persons. When you are living in a home that was previously "theirs" boundaries are too easily blurred. What are the constraints keeping you from moving into a home of your own. It may be difficult, but boundaries are much better set on new grounds.
If this is an impossibility (due to housing market, etc), then I would explain to DH that a new visitation schedule needs to be arranged. If the other parents of our kids lived in town I would love for our kids to see all of their parents every day, but the fact is LIFE IS BUSY and I CAN NOT be around to allow visitation every day in MY home. However, there is no reason she can not have the kids Tuesday and Thursday after school, run them to their ec's or cook them dinner. She should be seeing the kids in her home during these times. I would set up phone contact for them on afternoons that she will not be having physical visitation.
If you want to have her over once a week, that is your choice, but it is on invitation from you and DH only. I have the kids other parents over, but it is always on our terms. Sometimes I don't want people over, sometimes I don't want to make certain that every dish is put away and I want to run around in my shorts and stained t-shirt. The conversation should be with your DH and the two of you deciding together what the boundaries are, then you can all sit down and DH can explain to BM what the boundaries are...
Oh, and if she was gone for 6
Oh, and if she was gone for 6 months, there is a good chance she is just trying to show herself to be a good mom now, and will go away the sooner it no longer bothers you.