What a mess!!!

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Right where do I start....DH and I got together very soon after he had separated his EX Like most people going into this kind of situation we ignored all the advice and thought 'we can make it work'. At the time SS was 6 and SD was 1. I am from NZ and he is from the UK. When we first got together I was due to return home to NZ as I did not want to live in the UK anymore. We managed to stay together for about a year before it was all too much for me (having the EX basically controlling our lives by way of his access to the kids). I broke things off as I just wanted to return home to NZ where all my friends and family are. DH talked me into staying saying that if I could wait 2 more years then he would return with me. I moved away from the friends I had left in London down to a small country town so we could be close to the skids. 4 years later we were no closer to returning to NZ. I was absolutely miserable from all the interference from the EX. She poisoned the kids against me until I felt like a stranger in my own home. They would make up lies to her about me saying that I swore at them and hit them etc which I absolutely would NEVER do. The kids would repeat what she was saying about me constantly. I had no support network in my town, no where to escape to. I was totally depressed. The winters were very long, dark and lonely. The EX was also poisoning them against their father. Nothing he ever did was good enough and any chance she could to make them think he did not care she took. They would fight every time we had them, both with serious anger issues, screaming seemed to be the normal way for them to communicate.

Anyway we have 2 kids of our own now, currently 10 months and 2.5 years old and we have finally recently moved to NZ. We originally hoped to see SS(12) and SD(7) about 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time. His EX will not allow that to happen. My DH is miserable here, he's missing his children so much. I on the other hand am so happy here, I'm not depressed anymore. I have all my family around (who I'm extremely close to) which means extended family for our kids(which they do not have in the UK on either DH or my side), the weather is waaaaaay better, I can give our kids the outdoors family orientated life I've always wanted. We have been here 5 months and he wants to go back to the UK. Whilst I do understand why, I cannot bring myself to willingly go back into that toxic situation, but also knowing that I would have to live in the UK again for the rest of my life just isn't an option for me. I have only just returned from 10 years there and was utterly miserable for the last 5). What do I do??? We talk about over and over and just go round in circles and cannot make a decision. I feel selfish, but I want what is best for our kids and their future, although I know that is not what is best for his kids.

I my mind I was open and honest up front about not wanting to live in the UK and he was ok with that. Now reality is very different for him, but not for me. HELP!!!!!

Do you think it will help to

Do you think it will help to go see a therapist?

That sounds like a tough situation to be in! The thing that sticks out for me the most is the fact that he and BM are high-conflict. My SO's ex is high-conflict, if I could get away from her, there is no way in hell I would ever go back lol.

Wish I could be of more help, I wish you the best! xx

We are currently seeing a

We are currently seeing a therapist who has basically said we have made the decision to move and followed through on it and now have to at least give it a real shot here in NZ. DH got pissed off and said she couldn't possibly understand as she did not have kids! *sigh*

You did as your dh asked. You

You did as your dh asked. You stayed on for a couple of more years in the uk for him. Two became 4 and you did it for him based on his promise you would both move to New Zealand. He had his children when he made that promise. He knew what he was getting into. If his ex changed her plans, you shouldn't have to pay for that by moving back to the uk. He needs to take her to court. Get visitation orders and work it out. He can skype them for free every day if he wants. He can phone them on viber for free everyday if he wants. But he needs to honour his promise to you and he needs to give this a couple of years to see how he feels then.

I was merely pointing out

I was merely pointing out that the option of contacting his children, of seeing them and talking to them was there, and he could do it ever day if he wanted to. How often he did it would be something to be worked out. But you would hope the mother would show some compassion for her kids and allow them to Skype dad every day if they wanted. If she's the type who won't encourage contact, then he needs to start taking steps himself to fix this and seek legal action to make some sort of court appointed times or visitation happen, instead of expecting his current wife to give her all, and make all the sacrifices to make it happen for him.

"He knew what he was getting

"He knew what he was getting into."

He didn't know how living away from his kids would make him feel. Even if BM agreed to the visits, three times a year still may not be enough for him.

I don't think it's possible for both adults to be happy. One has to give up kids or family and friends in order to make the other happy.

No matter which choice he makes, he's leaving kids behind.

I think he did know what he

I think he did know what he was getting into. That's why he strung the op,along. He asked her to give it two years in the uk then he would move to NZ with her. He packed her up and out of London to be nearer his kids, dragged his heels till the two years became four and he had two more kids with the op. I honestly think he knew, he was just hoping that his current wife would settle down in the uk and he would never need to honour his promise. He has only been in NZ 5 months. He's not giving it a fair go. But if he makes it hard enough on her, she will pack up and go back to the uk with him, then he can tell himself and her, he kept his promise.

I wonder if part of the

I wonder if part of the problem here is that 5 months is not long enough to settle down properly and DH is feeling generally homesick, as well as missing his kids. Having set your expectations about his willingness to live in NZ, and committed to the move, he really needs to give it more time to see if he can be happy there, and how the visits with his children work out. I think you need to stop talking and agonising about it and give yourselves a long deadline to review your feelings - at least a year, so he has a chance to work through his initial feelings and anxiety and understand if this is something that can work long term. Maybe if he is finding it harder than he expected and BM is unwilling to send her children abroad he needs to consider factoring in some trips to the UK and take BM to court over scheduled trips for his children in NZ. Maybe you could compromise on his use of his holiday time to do that, so you sacrifice family holidays for your children and take them away yourself or with your family so that DH can have more time with his older children. I imagine he would really appreciate such a sacrifice.

I have to say that personally I think a parent that decides to commit to someone knowing they are set on living in another country is all kinds of irresponsible (I'm talking about him rather than you here). DH clearly said whatever he needed to say to keep his relationship with you, without thinking through the ramifications for you and the children you would have together if he didn't go through with it, or for his children with BM if he did. I fail to see how a Dad could make any meaningful contribution to a child's upbringing from the other side of the world. But at this point he really needs to give his current life a proper try, because one way or another he stands to end up living in a different country from 2 of his children.

I think part of the reason he

I think part of the reason he originally suggested moving here was that he was so miserable and felt like he was fighting a losing battle with the EX poisoning his kids against him. Plus she was planning to move herself and the kids to the USA on a couple of occasion as well as her sister etc live there. Which is another reason for not going back to the UK, I mean what if we make the move back (which would financially cripple us as well) and then in a year or two she packs up and leaves for the USA anyway!

He really is a great father, just seems in mental turmoil all the time and I am so tired of going round in circles. It's making be become very angry and frustrated at the situation and affecting my energy with our young children.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will tell him we need to stick it out here until at least the end of next year and then revisit the topic.

xxx

As for seeing them

As for seeing them here.....we have set aside money to pay for at least 3 visits here for the kids. Plus I have relinquished all family holidays together here so he can have time to fly back to the UK or take them around the country when they are here....IF she ever lets them come here.

Twice now we have booked trips for them here....once was even for our wedding when we flew out here a couple of years ago. Everything was booked and paid and clothes bought etc. SS and SD were actually really excited and then a week before the wedding she made THEM call us and say they would not be coming! So lost over $1000 in cancellation fees etc. Anyway....whats done is done I guess.

He does need to give this a

He does need to give this a couple of years. It's normal to be homesick when you leave your country of birth. You know that, you've gone through it, 5 months is not giving it a fair go. He also needs to get court ordered visitation. And as I said before he can skype and viber for free. If the mother refuses even that kind of contact it would go against her in court. And he'd do well to tell her that. It would also help the kids in the uk to know he hadn't packed up and forgotten they existed. It looks like he's not doing anything himself to sort this out, he just wants you to sort it out for him, you to make all the sacrifices to make it happen. What legal action has he taken, does he try to phone the kids or skype them, or does he just give up because the ex is making it hard. Because if he just gives up he's making it harder on himself. He needs to be taking and be seen to be taking steps to maintain contact, he needs to be seeking legal action and he needs to stop expecting you to fix it for him by going back to the uk and being miserable,

He does skype or face time

He does skype or face time them once a day (sometimes twice a day), even it is just for a few minutes before school or when they are bed. They also text message each other throughout the day so there is a lot of contact....just not physically. Although their mother seems to tell him them off for 'talking to their bloody father again', or she is in the background doing the fingers at him. All very mature!

I agree that he needs to get their current CO updated to allow for visitation in writing. Currently it still states every Wednesday and every second weekend so a bit out of date! Our therapist also advised to get it changed to say that she cannot say anything negative about him. Hopefully that will sort a few things out.

He does skype or face time

Then he is doing the right

Then he is doing the right thing by them and what she does in the background will be her own undoing. Not his. He needs to keep up the contact. Perhaps even tape it. I don't know if that would be allowed in the family law court but tape it anyway. As long as he is saying nothing to provoke her then she is clearly in the wrong

He needs to go to court and start taking
Positive steps to arrange proper visitation for his children. For their sake as well
As his. He cannot put it all on you to fix it. To sacrifice your happiness for his.

I suspect he knows if he went back to
England you wouldn't withhold the children he has with you. He could
Still get to see them. He is depending on you being you.
You need to stand strong here and ask him to give it a couple of years. It takes that long to settle into a new country without all this going on.
In the meantime for his own sake and peace of mind. He needs to be taking legal steps.

why is bm being allowed to

why is bm being allowed to withhold visitation? she is unreasonable and will continue being unreasonable whether he's there with you (and his other two kids) or back in the UK. sometimes you have to decide to save the savable. but if he wants to go, let him. and hopefully he'll realize what he was actually leaving behind with you and your children. and if he wants to come back...hopefully it won't be too late and you've found a man that will put you first.

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