what should I do??
MY SD had her baby not quite 3 weeks ago and has been being very rude and disrespectful to me. I planned to do the family pictures yesterday, but she HIJACKED the whole day by telling me on Wednesday that she WOULD NOT do the pictures with us. She said she would be too tired from Thankgiving at her bio moms to even get ready and come to the photo shoot on Saturday. I have bent over backward to do everything that I can for this SD and am TIRED of being the ONLY one giving!! TIRED!!! I talked to my husband and we agreed that we would go forward with the shoot since we actually would have the the other six children (bio and steps) there for the pictures, which is not easy to accomplish. SOOOO she is pissed at me and has FB banished me and such. I know I should disengage, but I am TIRED of being the only one giving. I love this Grandbaby (the first grandchild ) and I have raised my SD since she was 12. DISENGAGING IS NOT EASY!!! NNOOOOOWWWW.. my husband just came home and told me that the baby is in the hospital with a high fever and they dont know what is causing it. My first impulse is toi rush down there and be with her..as I would for any of my own children..BUT she did not call me, ahe did not call me to see if I could help her take down the fever...NOPE!! Her first baby.....should they not call their moms for help. She would NEVER call her mom becasue she wasnt there fo her!@!! she was pissed at me last, and has been using the baby as emotional blackmail because she knows I love her. I dont know what to do??? Do I go down there and offer my help even though I dont have her asking, or do I wait here at home with my hands tied behind my back and my heart in a bind. I AM DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DONT!! The way I see it, If I go down there and she is mad at me for doing so, then Im a bad guy!! If I dont go, then to the whole familay I just dont care enough to go down there!!! Maybe you guys who have actually been there can help me.....my heart is in an uproar right now and I am frustrated!!!HELP!!!
First of all, your grandchild
First of all, your grandchild is in the care of professionals at the hospital, so altho it seems urgent, I think you can wait and think this thru. Good for you for posting this.I can understand why you would want to jump into the car and rush over to be supportive, However, try just calling your SD first..dont text,,and say something like.." I am very concerned about you and the baby,,fevers can be stressful experience for you as a new mom...If there is something I can bring you, even a cup of coffee,or just sit with you, Im available." Allow her to remain in control. I think its fine to offer before you actually do something.
I like this idea! You are
I like this idea! You are still you, generous, giving, but staying on the side lines - if she needs you, she knows where to find you. This way you are not allowing her to change who you are - a lovely, caring person, but not a doormat! Other than that, it sounds like you need to protect yourself from more heartache... she does not seem to value you .... so i would say, do not get very attached to that baby. You might also like to post this on the Adult Skids forum to hear from step-grandparents.
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I would be very hurt too.
Thats part of where I am
Thats part of where I am conflicted too...though I seem life and evil uncaring bitch..at least in my eyes!! Since the baby has been born, and even before, I have always been the one putting "effort" in most situations. The day after the baby was born, she was mad at me for something, and so "blocked" me out of their facebook...calls..lives!! My DH has been out of town working for 6 wks and really doenst understand anyways. The first time, I held that baby, my heart melted and I fell in love. So when she was ticked and basically deletd my existence it brioke my heart,and, truly, I am still hurting from that. The first smile, 1 week dr appt....all thos precious baby moments that are all there...but I cant even see or be happy for them. to try to overcome that, when she got mad this time (something she frequently does), I had to just shut down in order ot guard my heart and "pretend" Im cool with that even though my heart is still ACHING!!! I had decided that I WOULD NOT be the one who reached out....if she wants me to be involved and there as a Grandma..MOM..she needs to put forth some effort!! So, when I told my DH this, he told me my heart was in the wrong place and I really just need to think about the baby.....CAN YOU FEEL MY HEART BREAKING INTO PIECES EVEN MORE!!! So....Should I calll???? I would swallow my PRIDE in a minute ..millisecond..if I did not feel so conflicted!WHY CANT THIS JUST BE EAST!!???
You may not have the choice
You may not have the choice to be the child's grandparent. If she doesn't want you to be then she as the mother gets to make that call.
Yes it is killing you but it's the brutal truth. Be careful as she may use this child as a weapon for a long time.
Thats one of my biggest fears
Thats one of my biggest fears and part of why this is soo painful!!!
So I called her cell phone
So I called her cell phone from our home phone, and she didnt answer. There was no return phone call. My husband called her 10 minutes ago and , you guessed it, she answered. So....there ya go!! Im just gonna try to stay disengaged for now. At least I can get updates thru my DH
I feel your
I feel your angst.Absolutely,horrible.
The SD seems to be one of those people who make it hard for a person to love them. She may direct her unhappiness toward you and deliberately hurt you. Sometimes,its NOT easy to love the "unlovables" in our lives. Unfortunately,however, you might have to go thru the motions and ask your DH to relay those supportive messages for you.
I am disengaged from my 20yr old SD.She recently was drinking underage (again) and got into a serious car accident. She of course, blamed the other driver for everything. I am so tired of her drama and she has never learned to take responsibility for the consequences of her stupid choices.In the past, she gets mad at me because I confront her behavior and hold her accountable(when it concerns me). I was physically there when she was brought by ambulance to the ER. I gave her a supportive smile, thats all. I stayed in the waiting room most of the time where I was available, but not in her room. I would visit intermittently.I did not buy flowers. By day three, she was back to her complaining/ attention-seeking behaviors and I was not going to be there for that!. I told her dad to tell her I was available by phone if she needed something. It felt like a good place to be for me to be. I was supportive but not there for her to lash out at me or roll her eyes, etc....and I didnt want to go thru any strife with her.
Your SD does hold your heart prisoner thru the new baby. You may have to tip-toe around her in order for you to see the baby. She may end up poisoning that child against you and alienating you all together! Selfish people do crap like that.
In the meantime, I would suggest that you start a journal for yourself and for the baby. Tell the baby how much you love her and want to have her in your life. Its ok to write about the strife around this situation.
Ill follow your post and hopefully something on here will help. Please keep us updated. So sorry.