It is said that in order to figure out something/one all you need is ONE GOOD QUESTION. If you were to do this all over again, what question do you wish you had asked about stepping?
I couldn't leave it at just one at this point. We have been through so much horribleness and I realize alot of it was because I didn't ask. Or didn't feel it would involve me. How wrong I was! I figured it was DH's business and I felt that if he didn't share it openly, then it wasn't my business. How naive! Now, if I could do it all over again, I surely wouldn't!!!!
If I had it do all over again, I would ask so many questions....he would think I was the FBI.....I would not only ask questions, I would set boundaries as well. I would also put my foot down about many things and if he didn't like it, I wouldn't do marry him...I'm learning
LOL I asked H so many questions in the years leading up to getting married that a couple times he told me that the cops usually go easier on suspects LOL.....
...isn't just asking questions, but making sure you get complete and accurate answers! Ask to see any and all legal documents pertaining to the divorce, child custody and support. KNOW what you are up against legally. I thought I'd covered myself by asking all the right questions, such as how much child support do you pay? Do you have joint custody? What's the visitation schedule? Do you get along okay with your ex? The answers I got from DH weren't lies, but he told me what he and his ex had worked out since the divorce was final, not what was actually in the legal documents, which was something totally different. Had I known, I could've predicted the fallout of him marrying me and us having a child together. Not having complete and accurate information from the beginning sort of handicapped me, because I made decisions - big, life-altering decisions - based on inaccurate information. I wouldn't have changed my mind about marrying him, but I would have definitely done several things differently.
Setting boundaries is also SOOOOO important! I didn't have this problem, because DH is very good about setting boundaries and sticking to them with EVERYONE, not just with his ex, but also with work, buttinsky in-laws, friends, kids, etc. I think it's important to decide your program early, set it up and having it running well before you actually get married, because if it doesn't work before, it won't work after. You need to know what kind of boundaries he has established and if he's open to modifying those boundaries to meet the needs of a new wife.
Last thing, determine how you are going to handle conflict resolution ahead of time, before there are any major conflicts. Know how you will handle things before you have to handle them... be prepared. Have a division of labor set up so that everyone knows who will be doing what and is clear on their responsibilities. Have a discipline plan in place for all kids that you both agree to support 100%. It's important to know what HE expects from YOU, and also to share with him what YOU expect from HIM.
There's no way to prevent bad things from happening, but the more you prepare yourself, the better your contingency plan, the more secure you will be.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Anne, you are a wise woman! There are so many things that I would of had to had clarity on. This whole thing has been quite the learining experience. I too believe in preparation.
If I was able to work things out with my ex-who I very different from, why can't I seem to work things out regarding the kids with my Dh when we get along great?
For me, if it could only be one question, I would ask "Can you put this family first?" Not "can you put ME first" but OUR family...yours, mine, and ours. Can you look at the family and make choices based on the collective good rather than just SK's good? Or BB's good? STBX made it clear that his child came first but I never realized that once we were married and joined as a family this would still be going on. Had I know...I'd have NEVER married him.
But I agree with Anne...in these situations, it is SO important to ask questions of the legal nature. I've never mentioned it on here before, but STBX has another child besides SS. He has a DD halfway across the country that he sees maybe twice a year. She has a different mom than SS and was the result of a ONS; he didn't know about her until she was a year old. When we met, he did tell me about her, but he also led me to believe that she had been adopted by her SF. After we were married I learned that not only was she NOT adotped, but that he was paying $600/mo CS for her!! Apparently the adoption had been discussed and STBX figured that by the time we were married, it would've gone through, but it didn't and I was stuck. Honestly, I really never would've continued dating STBX had I known. At one point, we were paying over $1800/mo in CS between his two.
I also learned that he did not pay taxes (didn't file or anything) in '03 and '04. He still owes the IRS thousands. I also didn't know that he filed a BK...or actually, I did know but he told me that it would be removed from his credit report by early '07. Another lie--discharge wasn't until 2002. It will be screwing his credit until 2012. And MY credit, which was damn near perfect when we were married has now also been negotiated, as my debt which he swore he'd take on as his too as part of my conditions of quitting my job to move down here for him was ignored so that he could pay his CS. I was told "Ask your parents to pay your debt." Nice, huh?
Somehow he still managed to go on shopping sprees and buy a 60" LCD TV though. What a peach.
I would ask if your baby momma drama gets to far out of hand how would you stop it? Also I think once he said I have a son I would have ran, not away, but to figure out if I really wanted this drama in my life. There are not many people who can say that their bm is a wonderful person. I was stupid when I belived that. So the more questions you ask the better!!!
Can I go ahead and get a restraining order NOW? ROFL
But in all seriousness, I don't think I could sum it up in just one question. There are so many things I would want to know, or know now that would have been nice to know then.
I'm just engaged and the more I interact and see what things are fair to me from being this sight....the more I know that I'm not going to marry this man.
Just wanted to comment about something...I personally don't feel that it's fair to judge a person's merit by looking at their credit report. I honestly believe that the credit industry is OUT OF CONTROL in this country and while some might say that this is a good reason to look at someone's FICO score before getting involved, I think it's unfair. I had good credit until I married DH. I wasn't a rat who refused to pay my debt, but a formerly-single mother of a premature baby with MAJOR hospital bills and other debt that I had incurred as her BF did not help me support her. When I got married, DH promised to help with my debt and promptly changed his mind when his CS skyrocketed. I did my best but I went for a long time without making even minimum payments and my credit is badly damaged now. I finally got backpay CS in an amount close to $20K and paid EVERYTHING I owed, every last cent. I could've kept the money and ignored my bills, which was tempting and would've been very easy, but I didn't. Personally, I think THAT says a lot more about me than my credit score does.
I asked pretty much a million questions about our blended family situation, how he felt, what he wanted, his relationship with nutso-ex gf, discipline, what kind of clothes he thought were cute/appropriate for kiddo, we designed kiddos room together, what morals and values were most important to teach him, how we were going to save for his college, what kind of preschool we should send him to, how and who did he want me to be with kiddo (His parent and mother figure! lol) etc... i was VERY prepared for what i was getting into on that end.. i had been doing it with him for about a year and a half before we got married.. the courts, the kidnapping, the CS, the abandonment, the nutso ex gf, the sole custody... What i wish I had asked about, and what I was not prepared for at all, was the actually BEING MARRIED part of it all. We didnt go to pre marriage counseling, and i wish we had - we have totally different family backgrounds that dont really mesh sometimes, we had no idea what we wanted "our home" to be like, or if or when we were going to have more kids, or what our seperate and mutual goals were or even HOW to have Mutual goals, or what lifestyle we wanted, neither of us had given any thought to what being a husband or wife meant... i was 21 when we got married and he was 25... we just knew we loved eachother and were raising a kid together and living together and wanted to be a "real" foreveer family, and decided to tie the knot. I wish I had said "what do you think about premarriage counseling?" LOL But i was too naive to have thought to say that.
My question would be...
What is your definition of boundaries?
I couldn't leave it at just
I couldn't leave it at just one at this point. We have been through so much horribleness and I realize alot of it was because I didn't ask. Or didn't feel it would involve me. How wrong I was! I figured it was DH's business and I felt that if he didn't share it openly, then it wasn't my business. How naive! Now, if I could do it all over again, I surely wouldn't!!!!
Too many questions
If I had it do all over again, I would ask so many questions....he would think I was the FBI.....I would not only ask questions, I would set boundaries as well. I would also put my foot down about many things and if he didn't like it, I wouldn't do marry him...I'm learning
LOL I asked H so many
LOL I asked H so many questions in the years leading up to getting married that a couple times he told me that the cops usually go easier on suspects LOL.....
The most important thing...
...isn't just asking questions, but making sure you get complete and accurate answers! Ask to see any and all legal documents pertaining to the divorce, child custody and support. KNOW what you are up against legally. I thought I'd covered myself by asking all the right questions, such as how much child support do you pay? Do you have joint custody? What's the visitation schedule? Do you get along okay with your ex? The answers I got from DH weren't lies, but he told me what he and his ex had worked out since the divorce was final, not what was actually in the legal documents, which was something totally different. Had I known, I could've predicted the fallout of him marrying me and us having a child together. Not having complete and accurate information from the beginning sort of handicapped me, because I made decisions - big, life-altering decisions - based on inaccurate information. I wouldn't have changed my mind about marrying him, but I would have definitely done several things differently.
Setting boundaries is also SOOOOO important! I didn't have this problem, because DH is very good about setting boundaries and sticking to them with EVERYONE, not just with his ex, but also with work, buttinsky in-laws, friends, kids, etc. I think it's important to decide your program early, set it up and having it running well before you actually get married, because if it doesn't work before, it won't work after. You need to know what kind of boundaries he has established and if he's open to modifying those boundaries to meet the needs of a new wife.
Last thing, determine how you are going to handle conflict resolution ahead of time, before there are any major conflicts. Know how you will handle things before you have to handle them... be prepared. Have a division of labor set up so that everyone knows who will be doing what and is clear on their responsibilities. Have a discipline plan in place for all kids that you both agree to support 100%. It's important to know what HE expects from YOU, and also to share with him what YOU expect from HIM.
There's no way to prevent bad things from happening, but the more you prepare yourself, the better your contingency plan, the more secure you will be.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Anne, you are a wise woman!
Anne, you are a wise woman! There are so many things that I would of had to had clarity on. This whole thing has been quite the learining experience. I too believe in preparation.
If I was able to work things out with my ex-who I very different from, why can't I seem to work things out regarding the kids with my Dh when we get along great?
Sigh. It is just one of those days for me.
For me, if it could only be
For me, if it could only be one question, I would ask "Can you put this family first?" Not "can you put ME first" but OUR family...yours, mine, and ours. Can you look at the family and make choices based on the collective good rather than just SK's good? Or BB's good? STBX made it clear that his child came first but I never realized that once we were married and joined as a family this would still be going on. Had I know...I'd have NEVER married him.
But I agree with Anne...in these situations, it is SO important to ask questions of the legal nature. I've never mentioned it on here before, but STBX has another child besides SS. He has a DD halfway across the country that he sees maybe twice a year. She has a different mom than SS and was the result of a ONS; he didn't know about her until she was a year old. When we met, he did tell me about her, but he also led me to believe that she had been adopted by her SF. After we were married I learned that not only was she NOT adotped, but that he was paying $600/mo CS for her!! Apparently the adoption had been discussed and STBX figured that by the time we were married, it would've gone through, but it didn't and I was stuck. Honestly, I really never would've continued dating STBX had I known. At one point, we were paying over $1800/mo in CS between his two.
I also learned that he did not pay taxes (didn't file or anything) in '03 and '04. He still owes the IRS thousands. I also didn't know that he filed a BK...or actually, I did know but he told me that it would be removed from his credit report by early '07. Another lie--discharge wasn't until 2002. It will be screwing his credit until 2012. And MY credit, which was damn near perfect when we were married has now also been negotiated, as my debt which he swore he'd take on as his too as part of my conditions of quitting my job to move down here for him was ignored so that he could pay his CS. I was told "Ask your parents to pay your debt." Nice, huh?
Somehow he still managed to go on shopping sprees and buy a 60" LCD TV though. What a peach.
Krissy, I agree with you.
Krissy,
I agree with you. Making it a family is of UTMOST importance.
Krissy, I agree with you.
Krissy,
I agree with you. Making it a family is of UTMOST importance.
Krissy, I agree with you.
Krissy,
I agree with you. Making it a family is of UTMOST importance.
To many to write!!!!!!
I would ask if your baby momma drama gets to far out of hand how would you stop it? Also I think once he said I have a son I would have ran, not away, but to figure out if I really wanted this drama in my life. There are not many people who can say that their bm is a wonderful person. I was stupid when I belived that. So the more questions you ask the better!!!
Just realized that somehow I
Just realized that somehow I posted three times. Der. Krissy, just in case I wasn't clear, I agree with you.
Hmm, just one?
My question would probably be:
Can I go ahead and get a restraining order NOW? ROFL
But in all seriousness, I don't think I could sum it up in just one question. There are so many things I would want to know, or know now that would have been nice to know then.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Well Put
Steve, that is sooo true. Complete acceptance and equality for all!! Or NO DEAL!!
GREAT COMMENTS!
I'm just engaged and the more I interact and see what things are fair to me from being this sight....the more I know that I'm not going to marry this man.
Just a comment
Just wanted to comment about something...I personally don't feel that it's fair to judge a person's merit by looking at their credit report. I honestly believe that the credit industry is OUT OF CONTROL in this country and while some might say that this is a good reason to look at someone's FICO score before getting involved, I think it's unfair. I had good credit until I married DH. I wasn't a rat who refused to pay my debt, but a formerly-single mother of a premature baby with MAJOR hospital bills and other debt that I had incurred as her BF did not help me support her. When I got married, DH promised to help with my debt and promptly changed his mind when his CS skyrocketed. I did my best but I went for a long time without making even minimum payments and my credit is badly damaged now. I finally got backpay CS in an amount close to $20K and paid EVERYTHING I owed, every last cent. I could've kept the money and ignored my bills, which was tempting and would've been very easy, but I didn't. Personally, I think THAT says a lot more about me than my credit score does.
wits end
Going into a relationship with your eyes wide open is important. I wouldn't want my daughter getting into any of this.
I asked pretty much a million
I asked pretty much a million questions about our blended family situation, how he felt, what he wanted, his relationship with nutso-ex gf, discipline, what kind of clothes he thought were cute/appropriate for kiddo, we designed kiddos room together, what morals and values were most important to teach him, how we were going to save for his college, what kind of preschool we should send him to, how and who did he want me to be with kiddo (His parent and mother figure! lol) etc... i was VERY prepared for what i was getting into on that end.. i had been doing it with him for about a year and a half before we got married.. the courts, the kidnapping, the CS, the abandonment, the nutso ex gf, the sole custody... What i wish I had asked about, and what I was not prepared for at all, was the actually BEING MARRIED part of it all. We didnt go to pre marriage counseling, and i wish we had - we have totally different family backgrounds that dont really mesh sometimes, we had no idea what we wanted "our home" to be like, or if or when we were going to have more kids, or what our seperate and mutual goals were or even HOW to have Mutual goals, or what lifestyle we wanted, neither of us had given any thought to what being a husband or wife meant... i was 21 when we got married and he was 25... we just knew we loved eachother and were raising a kid together and living together and wanted to be a "real" foreveer family, and decided to tie the knot. I wish I had said "what do you think about premarriage counseling?" LOL But i was too naive to have thought to say that.