What's so wrong with my relationship?
Forums:
I honestly just want opinions on this.
I increasingly am getting comments about my age and the age of my partner and why we should not even be together.
He is 41, I am 23. We have been together since I was 18.
We are happy, in love, treat each other well, are affectionare, have shared interests and common goals.
Please explain to me why this is so wrong.
So many people think because he has kids and because of our age gap-that I just need to leave.
Why would it be different if we were closer in age?
My question is WHY?
I'm not sure if this is the
I'm not sure if this is the right place for your question, but here are a couple of links I found. Personally, I have little problem with age differences, but these articles do bring up some interesting points. Notably, generational differences. 41 and 23--when you are in your 20s, someone in their 40s seems interesting and learned. When you're 35 and he's 53, you might be ticked that he can't keep up with you any more, in more ways than one. That's the main issue I see, but that's not to say that it is not navigatable. Depends.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/five-considerations-for-relationships-w...
http://hackyourrelationship.com/is-age-difference-a-problem-one-simple-q...
https://www.glamour.com/story/age-gap-dating
https://www.bonobology.com/common-problems-faced-couples-huge-age-differ...
Another thing I'll mention about him having kids (that are probably close to your age) is that a big problem with step-relationships is that the SO or wife can be treated more like a child, while the child may be treated more like a SO or wife. If your DH allows this to go on, this is clearly setting you and your SKs up for competition. This is a problem even when dad and SM may BOTH be in their 50s and the SKs may be more in their 30s. In your case, you are already more closer to his children's age, so I would surmise that this would be more likely and easier to occur in your situation--1:1 competition with the SKs. Not saying that is or will happen, but just guessing it is probably more likely to happen. For ex., dad gets his 15 YO daughter a nice-looking necklace. Dad then gets his 23 YO SO an expensive diamond necklace. Because of the closeness in age, 15 YO is doubly jealous that SO got a "better" gift. Most SKs don't get that SM is dad's SO or wife to begin with and see them almost solely as competition. In your case, the odds are much higher that that will occur, and, regardless, it can last a lifetime.
I found this very insightful
I found this very insightful although I have read up on many of these topics before.
I think our biggest hurdle by far was always how his kids perceived me. The youngest was young enough that I was just another 'adult' to him. But the older two being close to my age really did think maybe it was all about sex.
The daughter especially was extremely jealous. Although I've got to say. He doesn't treat me like a child, we have always been equals. I think that grates on his daughters nerves that someone so close in age to her is considered a 'partner' in her dad's life.
In my eyes we have different roles in his life that are not-and never will be the same.
Another obstacle we've dealt with is public opinion. The first thing someone thinks is 'he must have money or why else would she be with him?' Or 'she has daddy issues and he'said the result', etc.
Early in our relationship it really bothered me. And I was uncomfortable a few times when they thought he was my dad. But now I have a sense of humor about it and we laugh it off because we have become more secure in our relationship and our friends and family (apart from his 2 oldest kids) love that were happy and together.
Yeah the competition with SD and I, while one sided, does exist and probably will for as long as she thinks I'm at fault for taking some of her dad's attention away from her.
To be fair he's always given her alot of his time and that didn't stop when I cAmerican in the picture.
Anyway, thanks for the reada, they were interesting and worth reading BEFORE you commit to a long term relationship with a large age gap.
Right now, I am sure that it
Right now, I am sure that it doesn't seem like a big deal to you. My exH's mom married an older man when she was in her 30's, he was in his 50's. He had no kids, so there was no issue with his kids being her age or close. It was no big deal to them, they had a wonderful marriage up to the end... the problem was his end came at 75... she was still only 51 and now widowed. She loved the life that they had but at 51 she hated that she was widowed and by just the fact that her husband was old. She also, even at the hospital in the end had nurses ask about how her dad was feeling. After 20 years of marriage, it was still a common mistake.
You are going to have similar issues if you marry this man. You also have the issues of his kids being so close to your age that they will never see you as anything more that daddy's little whore. I am so sorry to be blunt but that is how people will see you. You will always be asked if he is your father, you will always have to deal with judgement. I know that you are young and idealistic right now-- this is NOT a bad thing!! But in 20 years will you still be ready to take all that on daily?
There is no age for love. Sometimes people connect on a soul level that just works, regardless of age. I truely wish you the best and hope that you are happy and are living a full life! I just want you to be aware of the challenges you will face.
Yes, my relationship is not
Yes, my relationship is not for many. Sometimes even when people want to be together they let others opinion break their will and they split.
But hey, like you said some people just click.
It's really important to understand before committing that others are always going to have an opinion and you may not always like it.
The SKs I'm sure have only ever seen me as a whole that's trying to 'replace' their mom. And it sucks to be judged before they even get to know you, but it was bound to happen that way because they needed a scapegoat for their feelings and I'm here to be that for them lol.
Yes, it can be really hard, but I am totally aware and am very comfortable in my rwlationship. It's very worth it just so long as awareness is there. There are many '1st' that we won't share. He's lived alot of life that I'll never be a part of.
I've even wondered if I would have even wanted to be with him if we were the same age. I don't know. I don't share common interests with many of my peers.
Anyway, thanks for the insight, it's very true.
Well, you are on a website
Well, you are on a website for people to vent and get advice about their step relationships, so obviously something is wrong or you wouldn't be here.
The biggest problem people have with large age difference is the risk of predatory behavior. Young and naive adults are willing to put up with a lot of BS because they don't know any better. They are more easily controlled with feelings of "love". They will give up their best years, dreams, and aspirations to help their SO deal with their own issues and make their life easier.
Age differences wouldn't be as big of an issue if both parties are in similar situations with similar backgrounds. If both have kids, both have similar income, both have similar goals (e.g. no more kids, retiring together), and both have minimal drama/stress, it's likely fine. But start adding into problems, and with those problems being unfairly balanced on one partner, then it looks predatory - and that can happen in either direction.
This exactly
This is the point I was trying to make on her other forum post.
Yes, I misunderstood you're
Yes, I misunderstood you're meaning.
I have to say I have put up with alot, maybe even more than I would with ANY other man.
If he didn't work on himself I'd be gone. But he does and currently is.
So. I'm taking it step by step.
The way you explained it is
The way you explained it is starting to make more sense to me.
By 'predatory' I thought it was being implied he was using me for sex not necessarily that I was being taken advantage of.
I can say this-I have given SO alot and put up with alot.
The only reason I stay is because I love him and I know that he is not to blame for every issue in this house.
He works on himself daily and I really appreciate the effort. I could not be with someone who wouldn't acknowledge their responsibility and faults and try to better themselves.
Our issues have always stemmed from the 2 oldest SKs. Hopefully for the sake of my relationship-I can disengage from these unhealthy relationships and SO and I can continue in our happy relationship and work on ourselves.
There is no reason you
There is no reason you shouldn't be together. However, your respective ages mean that you are, in terms of psychological factors, at very different life stages to each other, and this might potentially be an issue, if not now, then at some point. Your "tasks" for your life stage are things like, having fun with peers, establishing an identity of your own as an adult, (which can change a LOT in your teens and 20s) and embarking on first job or career.
The life tasks for someone in their 40s are just different. But you may be able to work things out.
Yes, somehow we have always
Yes, somehow we have always manged to get along no matter our age gap.
We have alot in common, we both have a work ethic and love family life andoesn't have a lot other than that in common.
That's why we've worked. We don't hold each other back and we love each have other.
Dh and I have 10+ yr age
Dh and I have a 10 yr + age difference which isn't huge but on some levels we are in different life stages. He's raised his kids, has grands and focuses more on his own interests while I'm still busy raising kids and focusing on their activities, schooling. He's at the top of his profession and I'm entry level since my focus for the last 20+ years has been raising kids rather than my career.
He looks older than his age because he's mostly bald and had a few injuries and has a bit of a slouch. I look younger than my age and have focused on my health more than he has so people think there's a greater age difference than there actually is. The actual age difference hasn't caused any issues but his oldest son has.
Kids can be an absolute
Kids can be an absolute nightmarw, especially stepkids.
I've read on here just how common it is for the stepkids to meddle in the relationship ship. It's terrible.
What has SS done?
Who wants to play "Whack-A-Mole"?
Not me. You posted all of this on two other forum sections, now you've posted it here.
You were given lots of solid advice on your first post, based on the facts you presented. Much of that advice identified the seriousness of the situation you are in, and the problems with your SO's actions which can negatively affect you and your daughter. You could be at risk of LOSING YOUR DAUGHTER - what part of that don't you understand? Your reaction to all this advice is evidence that you have not reached a level of maturity to understand this - instead, you are focusing on age difference between you and your SO!
Instead of considering that advice and deciding you need to seriously discuss it with YOUR OWN family members, a counselor, clergy member, family support center, or other professional, etc. you've decided to come back on here and debate it some more.
Good luck with that. I'm not playing Whack-A-Mole and recommend that others not do so either.
I hope God is watching out for these small children, as no one else in this situation appears to have the cognizance to do so.
This is a totally separate
This is a totally separate topic from what I previously posted. I wanted community opinions.
That is not a factor in my maturity.
I did not negate even your advice. Though you did come on strong. I may have been degensive, but this is my life were talking about.
SO and I are striving to make changes. I want him to have a positive impact on our child's life. He's goy a good heart and good intentions. He's simply carried things out in the wrong way at times and I'm willing to gI've him the benefit of the doubt.
No one is perfect. He's been a good dad in many ways but he has his shortcomings like anyone else.
My child is not neglected or endangered. We do not use drugs around her, we're not stammering drunk around her, we don't beat her. We love her and make sure she is well taken care of.
My only regret is that was ever exposed to such behavior.
I should have grown a spine and stopped letting this happen instead of keeping my mouth shut and drinking one night and blowing up.
I'm learning from my miatakes.
I personally do not care if
I personally do not care if you're 23 and he was 70... it is not the age difference between this guy and you that causes all the dysfunction.
I'll admit I laughed at your post you put up on wanting to disengage and then reading your previous posts. Come on. You went on and on about how terrible SD is and how she *gasps* drinks around her child blah blah. all the while telling of how you, the lady with a newborn, is putting down a few beers and having to be held back from attacking the slightly younger mother (SD).
You are no role model. You are not the young woman's mother. You can not possibly expect this SD to hold you up as a shining example of what and how she should behave.
And I have to admit I find it pretty funny on how you expect SD's BM to parent and control this adult young lady, when it has been your SO who has had custody and brought the SD through her teen years.
I'm thinking a home visit from DCFS to the entire household might be in order.
You're comparing me drinking
You're comparing me drinking a couple beers and blowing up to my SD why?
I chose to drink that night. I lost my cool with a girl that continuously presses my buttons.
I don't try to be her 'mom'. I do try to be a good example.
The fact that she gets hammered drunk and drives and smokes weed and does whatever with her child is simply not comparable to me having a couple beers in my home with other adults present.
You know I expect BM to do something.
For years and years it has been her job to parent this girl and she does nothing. Now that she is living with BM, yes I expect her to be her PARENT.
I'm not her mother, I cannot be expected to be. She doesn't even take me seriously as a person.
SO brought her thru her teen years true. How was he supposed to know the depth of her misbehavior? You know we already had damn cameras in the house we would watch when at work. I mean seriously you can't watch them 24/7!
Look, I'm sick of the accusations that I'm a bad mother because of this situation.
I'very already changed the situation for my childs sake.
I'm not a damn druggie, I'm not freaking abusive, and neither is my SO.
You need to get off your high horse and realize that shit happens that is not always in someone's control! I can't control someone's actions!
To me its not so much the age
To me its not so much the age difference, its the toxic f@ckery that is going on in all areas and levels of your relationship and each others lives. Some major therapy and intervention needs to go on and until that happens you will continue on with the same issues.
You all should seek therapy to really dig deep and get to the root of the problem. This is a constant cycle of toxicity that keeps repeating itself with no solution in sight unless you get professional help.
I agree, everyone could
I agree, everyone could benefit from professional help.
Wait, this guy has a child
Wait, this guy has a child with a woman that is the same age as his son. YUCK
Call me crazy, but I wouldn't expect a 19 year old girl to view the 23 year old sleeping with her daddy as a role model. I hope she would view 20 somethings on college campuses, traveling the world, kid free...as role models.
Yes he does.
Yes he does.
I'm curious to know why you feel it's disgusting?
Also, what's wrong with trying to be a role model in a young adults life?
I started my own business a couple years ago, I work, I take care of the home. I chose not to go to college at the time because I had other aspirations. I don't think because my path was different from some that it was necessarily wrong. I would sincerely like to know why you feel that way.
I had a child with a man who I am deeply in love with and committed to. Isn't that what you would want for anyone? Wait to have a child until you are committed and are truly valued and treated well by someone?
In my opinion, having a
In my opinion, having a sexual relationship with someone the same age as your child is creepy as hell.
The fact that your relationship started when you were 18, leads me to believe he had his eyes on you when you were a minor. The fact that a man in his 30s was looking at a teen in a sexual/romantic way is disturbing.
I don't care how in love and committed two people are. I would not want any young adult I care about to bring a child into the shit storm you have posted about.
I am in a similar situation.
I am in a similar situation. I am 25 and my fiance is 41. It was so hard for people to accept when we first started dating, especially my father. He met me when I was 23 and honestly we have no problems with our age gap. It's traditional for a people to date others that are close in age, but who cares? My father actually had a problem with this relationship because he thought my fiance was only with me because I was "young and attractive". There will always be people who are going to ridicule you for it, but as long as you are happy you can diregard the negative comments.
Thanks, I needed to hear that
Thanks, I needed to hear that.
It seems like it's really easy for people that are not in my situation to judge that it 'is wrong' and unnatural.
I find the opposite to be true. Most everyone is attracted to someone young and beautiful I don't find that gross, I find it normal.
You know my dad thought the exact same thing. He thought I was being used for sex. It took several years before my parents realized that we were genuinely happy and now they consider him a son in law.
I'm glad that you're in a relationship that makes you happy (regardless of age). You're absolutely right, I've heard the same thing so many times over about the age gap is just too much. Buy hell, I'm happy.
'The lady doth protest too
'The lady doth protest too much, methinks,'
It is a quotation from Hamlet and is taken to mean that banging on about something ad infinitum makes people begin to doubt the veracity of the repeated statements being made. I would compare it to,'fake news, fake news!' A statement so meaningless it loses all impact and in the end people just cease to care...
In the end you shouldn't need validation or justification from other people. Just get on with your life.
I mean you're right. I
I mean you're right. I shouldnt.
Ithe just bothers me sometimes that people can have such a strong opinion on something they've never experienced themselves and I want to be able to understand why.
People make judgements about
People make judgements about things that seem different or unusual because it threatens their view of the world. It happens all the time with obvious things like race, gender, sexual orientation etc- but we also make judgements about how old people and young people should behave. It's a control thing to a certain extent but is also a expression of the insecurity people might feel when they are taken outside their comfort zone. You're nothing special- but you have done something even you yourself feel is unusual, but it isn't really. People marry outside their racial, religious, and age/social groups all the time and don't need to prove anything to anyone. Either admit you have a problem and seek help or stop trying to justify your actions by blaming the attitudes of others. You will never be able to understand why others think the way they do- just seek to understand yourself.
Well thanks, you actually
Well thanks, you actually have helped me to understand more why others feel the way I do.
I guess that's something I will have to work on-undeelrstanding myself and my actions.
If I were you, I would not
If I were you, I would not waste any more time worrying on what his kids think of you or how they consider you. They are not a party to your marriage and if your DH allows them to be.... you need a new DH.
I will not be wasting any
I will not be wasting any more of my time with them. You're right, I'm in a relationship with my SO not his kids and their input means nothing.
My only regret is that I wasted so much time caring about what they thought and trying to build the perfect family with them.
Luckily my SO supports me and I am encouraging him to maintain a relationship with his kids, regardless of whether I have one with them or not.
To answer your direct
To answer your direct question... nothing is wrong with your relationship regarding the age difference. Particularly since you are committed to each other, respect each other, treat each other well, and are equity life partners.
Keep in mind that I am a slightly older than middle aged man so a middle aged man marrying a young woman just doesn't represent an issue for me. Additional relevent information is that I am 54 and my bride is 43. We met when she was 18 and I was 29 and married when I was 30 and she was still 18. So, though not the 18yr age difference that you and your DH have, we have a significant age difference.
One thing that has been key for our marriage is that I committed to not only not interfering in my bride's education and career goals, I commited to supporting those goals. We met at the beginning of the first semester of her college career and the last semester of my 11 year undergrad career. We married at the very beginning of her second year of college 5mos after I started my new career as an Engineer. She did withdraw and she and SS who was then still 1yo joined me. She returned to school 18mos later after we moved twice for my company. She finished her dual major BS with honors, and MBA with honors and has had a successful career as a CPA.
Our age difference has also likely been somewhat mitigated by the fact that when we married we had just about nothing. I had burned through my life savings to pay for engineering school. We have built what we have together.
And most importantly... my SS was a toddler when his mom and I met and married. I'm just his dad.
You will always have to deal with people and their opinions and reactions to your age difference. Don't let that jeopardize the bond that you have together.
If at some point you find yourselves at a transition point that no longer includes each other deal with that when it happens. At this point there is no need to strain the relationship over what might could possibly happen in the future.
All IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
You and your wife sound like
You and your wife sound like you have a beautiful relationship regardless of the age difference. I'm glad it worked out for the 2 of you and that you always encouraged her success. That is something that is key, 'don't hold each other back'
Yes your son is your son and the fact he was so young when you and his mother married definitely helped the situation. The older they are when you are introduced the harder it seems to build a lasting bond with them.
Right, building together will definitely bring you closer.
I really enjoyed when my SO trusted me to stat our own business, it really empowered me as a woman and as his partner that he had so much faith and me and was totally encouraging. A great learning experience for me all around.
Yes exactly. We don't know what the future holds but as long as we can grow together than I have no doubts are relationship will remain successful.
Thank you for your comment, it reminds me that every couple is different and only I truly know if the relationship is working for me.