They obviously have lots of memories of their mom. Are they in counseling?

There is a book called Motherless mothers I think. It deals with the emotions girls go through when they lose their moms, and the void left. It might be helpful to you.

Try not to feel so guilty. There is no moral law saying you have to have certain feelings. You are what you are and I perceive a caring person under that guilt. You're doing the best you can and that's all one can expect.

I agree they need to talk about their mother. I think it is great you are trying to get some help on how YOU handle this, they are lucky to have someone that cares enough to try and work this out.

I don't know if they visit the cemetery or not, but if not then perhaps dad should take them there, even once a year for mother's day, or moms birthday, the anniversary of her death, something. Actually no, the anniversary of her death may not be a good idea, may stick with happier occassions, but she is their mother and I don't think you sound as though you are threatened by his dead wife so I am sure you would respect it if he took them there. Who knows they may even be comfortable taking you there with them. Now, I know that's something you won't be hanging for, but if the kids want it, well it might be a good thing to help bond your family as it is now.

You are right though, teenagers is such a harmless sounding word to describe what they really are, and they are damn hard work for bios, so for steps, God help us. But in your case this doesn't sound personal. I think you are not the cold fish you paint yourself as because if you were such a cold fish you wouldn't be here asking for help, you wouldnt be looking at reading books on the subject would you. I think you'll work it out. Good Luck

If you have not come from an affectionate family then the hugging and kissing would make you feel a bit uncomfortable, that clearly is just how you feel and you will pass how you were parented onto your own kids if you ever decide to have them and onto these girls, that my friend is the circle of life. Now, hopefully you will just find your own balance with them between being aloof ie cold fish which I as I have said before really don't think you are, and suffocating grandma. Me, I am a suffocating grandma, I had my youngest one here yesterday pinned down on the couch until he said "I love you nana" he is 21 months old. I hug them I kiss them I cannot hand them a sandwich without saying, here you go, I love you. Having grandkids is a whole other world to having your own. So, let her spoil, hug and kiss them until they tell her back off, and I am sure one day they will. Your feelings on it are just that your feelings, not right, not wrong, just your feelings and no one should inflict their opinions on your feelings and expect you to behave the way they do, just as you cannot expect others (trust me especially granma) to feel the way you do.

I have said before, I think the way you are trying to work through this is an extraordinary effort and I commend you for it.

I am wondering if you are in the habit of selling yourself short though. You described yourself as a cold fish, clearly not the case, and in another post you say that you went to the cemetery with the kids and their dad but did not feel it was your place to be there. Why not? You are part of their family now, you are your husbands partner, his support system, you are clearly there as a support for the kids too, even if you did nothing else but set the alarm clock for them to get up, you are supporting them, but you on the other hand are on this site and reading books, so you are a support for those kids. More importantly, the KIDS were happy for you to be there, so how was it not your place to be somewhere your partner and Stepkids wanted you to be. You are second wife, you ARE NOT second best. You are part of that family and if you are included in such a personal thing as visiting the gravesite then a lot of us here would be honoured to be included in that. Please do not sell yourself so short. You were not being offensive to anyone least of all his late wife, you were there supporting her family when she could not be there herself. I think you are doing a great job, maybe you should really take a good look at how much you are doing too.

My husband was also a widower and my SD was 17 when we were married, so I can complete relate. Its very difficult to stepparent a teen who has lost a parent. Of the Wives of Widowers I know, the ones that have stepkids from hell were mostly married when the kids were teens. They're at the age when they remember enough of their deceased mother but don't have the understanding to grieve and accept that their father wants to move on with his life.

One of the difficulties is men and women grieve very differently and fathers and daughters have real issues with this. Most widowers do not want to talk about their late wife. They compartmentalize things, accept the loss and move on. Over 50% of widowers who remarry do remarry within 2 years. They do not know how to deal with daughters and this can become a very conflicted situation.

Another issue with widowers is many are not used to being both a mother and father and many simply can't. Some men just aren't affectionate towards their kids and can't provide the type of emotional support that a mother would. That's why in the best case scenario, there should be a stepmother and that's traditionally what happened. Now, it's more likely to be a grandmother or aunt filling that role. The downside of that is you get a lot of PASing from the late wife's mother.

Being a Girlfriend/Wife of a Widower is not easy nor is dealing with skids in this situation. Mine have never accepted me and refuse to visit or have anything to do with me.

It's also difficult when kids want to talk non-stop about how wonderful their mom is, things their mom and dad did together and everything about their life with their parents together. If the parents were divorced, you get to tell them to shut-up but if the BM is deceased, you can't. But it's very difficult when kids are constantly shoving in your face comparisons about their mom, that their dad loved her more, that she was so much better and so on. You want to scream sometimes. It's so much easier for stepmoms in divorce situations since they don't have to deal with this. It's so much easier when you know that your SO no longer loved their previous spouse.

I recommend reading the book Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who's Starting Over by Abel Keogh. It has a lot of helpful advice.

It is sad that they lost their biomom, yes. But, you, like the rest of us, are s stepmom. Most of us stepmoms DONT like our stepkids. Just because their biomom died and that is tragic doesn't mean you have to like them. If my ss8's biomom died, that wouldn't make me have any more 'feelings' for him, nothing will.