I'm thinking of pulling out of my SO and BM's crap, it's emotionally draining on me. His ex is very high-conflict, so every week there's an issue, we are walking on egg shells all the time, we can't do 'normal' things for us and our kids without worrying about the fallout from her, cause yes, there is ALWAYS fallout!.
I have had no contact with BM for a long time, even though she is constantly accusing me and my kids of crap, I stay out of it and I let my SO deal with it, which is basically just brushing it off because you can't reason with a crazy person, I get that I do, but it's so unfair and draining on me.
I am about to fork out $130 out of my own pocket to see a counselor (one they both went to when they did their court appointed counselling, so he knows how high-conflict BM is) to learn how to minimize the conflict. I have started a 14 week parenting course to appease the SD's lawyer (it wasn't expected, but the lawyer did suggest it) even though I have brilliant kids and no parenting issues. I put up with all BM's mud slinging without slinging back. I research ideas on how to 'manage' their co-parenting relationship (i was the one who convinced my SO that low contact is best and it has been better for him).
Yet, after everything I do, I don't get any say! My life and my kids lives have changed so much to fit in with what BM wants. Whenever there is an issue SO brushes off all my opinions etc, his main priority is always to find the path with least resistances where BM is concerned and a lot of times this leaves either us, my kids or his DD at a disadvantage.
I'm feeling emotionally drained and used, I'm starting to get easily upset when BM's name comes up. Is it time for me to pull back, disengage and stop with all my efforts? Is that even possible when we live together??
[[FYI: My kids, DD11, DS9 and DS7. His DD(nearly 4). They have a parenting order. She has served SO and I with trespass notices.]]
Oh boy. Maybe don't do anything drastic just yet? Kudos to you for seeking the counseling. So unfair that you would even have to, but so great that you are investing that money in taking care of YOU! See how that goes, maybe? I bet this kind of thing is feeding a LOT of counselors all over the world tonight!!
I was thinking about that last night, I do most of the 'heavy-lifting', not because SO doesn't want to or expects me to, his wee girl is just more compliant with me, it'll take him an hour of running around trying to get her in the bath, whereas for me, she's stripping off her clothes before the bath is full. So I've naturally just picked up the slack so things get done faster and stress free for everyone. But this is how I'm getting OVER emotionally involved, I feel like a step-mum... but I'm not
I will take your advice on this one, I need to pull back a bit and take care of mee!
Nobody can co-parent with a high conflict BM. Of course you should avoid anything having to do with her.
And guess what - your SO should do the same. He needs to get a better lawyer and set it up so that the visitation is set in stone with exchanges preferably done in a neutral location and all communication done thru one of those sites like family wizard (I think that's the name of it).
With the proper CO there really does not need to more than a bare minimum of communication between the two of them.
Wow you guys are amazing!! And I def see that I've been on the right track the whole time.
When I first met SO, their relationship shocked me! It was crazy insane!! Roller coaster, one extreme to the next, huge text or phone call fights to acting like BBF's the next month. She was walking all over him and their parenting order constantly. Fast forward a year and a half with my involvement, things are much MUCH better, but as you guys are most likely aware, there's always room for more boundaries!!
They do Low-Contact communication which means they are only communicating via a journal that transfers between their homes with SD. This was "working" until my SO got a letter from lawyer stating all of BM's concerns that his new life (me and my kids) are the reasons for all of SD's daycare and medical issues recently, so BM has not been putting ALL parenting issues in this book (yup, I told SO that it's evidence that she is not complying with the parenting order) He contacted daycare and doctors and told them to email him if there are issues.
I have suggested Our Family Wizard and Parallel Parenting, I printed out all the info and gave it to him, he came up with so many excuses "BM doesn't have a computer and her phone doesn't get data so OFW won't work, PP is a bit extreme don't you think".. UMMM NO! I think if ever a case, these two ABSOLUTELY NEED to PP!!!
Gah! This is what has been doing my head in! All my suggestions to make his (and therefore, OUR) lives better get brushed off..
Question, does anyone else interpret that as DH "picking BM" over you??? Or is that just sensitive wee me lol
I feel your pain Mama Duck. I am going thru something very similar with my SO. I feel its a neverending sickening roller coaster of her crazy antics and disgruntled emotions trying to do anything possible to make us miserable. 95% of the crap she pulls we laugh off thinking ok its just more ammo to use against her in court however even then it seems like NOTHING ever happens to her in court but her getting what she wants. It has caused a tremendous amount of annimosity between my SO and I trying to understand and deal with someone who has an IQ of a child yet is in their 20's. I cant help but care and try to be understanding the best I can all while trying to be a positive rollmodel for his 6yr daughter who craves motherly attention when she is home with us and asks why she even has to go back to her mom. Breaks my heart!!!!!!
I feel for you so much but at the same time i'm relieved to know that i'm not the only one going through this.
My DP's ex is an nightmare, she's a selfish, immature little girl who is making my life a misery. She threatens my DP with not seeing his son every time she doesn't get her own way. Her latest one was kicking off because my DP had a job interview and would have to pick up his son later than usual and her response was "getting your son is more important than getting a job!"
Whenever BM spits her dummy out, she involves me and my son, bad mouthing us, blaming us and i've told her to keep me and my DS(7) out of it, she rings my DP's mother and gets her involved even though she doesn't need to be, she's that type of immature where she'll say anything to get people on her side. Me and DP are wanting to get married but with all this drama with his ex it's making me question whether i want to and people think "how can you let her do this?!" but when you have someone like that, that isn't apart of your life but putting demands on how you live it in a way and makes you miserable just for the hell of it, does make you wonder whether its all worth it, as its not something any of us "step parents" signed up for.
I've tried and i'm still trying to disengage but for me i'm finding it very hard to, as my DP's son is unfortunately being raised to be a spoil't, selfish little boy just like his mother, i find it very hard to just stand by and watch it happen as i dont want my DS(7) picking this behavior up but also I've known my DP's son since he was a baby (me and DP were friends years before we got together) and as angry/miserable/upset as the situation makes me, i do care about him and i want the best for him.
I wish I could give you advice but i'm searching for some myself, the only thing i can say is keep this woman out of your life as much as you can and concentrate on you and your children without it ruining your relationship with your DP.
I'm thinking of pulling out
I'm thinking of pulling out of my SO and BM's crap, it's emotionally draining on me. His ex is very high-conflict, so every week there's an issue, we are walking on egg shells all the time, we can't do 'normal' things for us and our kids without worrying about the fallout from her, cause yes, there is ALWAYS fallout!.
I have had no contact with BM for a long time, even though she is constantly accusing me and my kids of crap, I stay out of it and I let my SO deal with it, which is basically just brushing it off because you can't reason with a crazy person, I get that I do, but it's so unfair and draining on me.
I am about to fork out $130 out of my own pocket to see a counselor (one they both went to when they did their court appointed counselling, so he knows how high-conflict BM is) to learn how to minimize the conflict. I have started a 14 week parenting course to appease the SD's lawyer (it wasn't expected, but the lawyer did suggest it) even though I have brilliant kids and no parenting issues. I put up with all BM's mud slinging without slinging back. I research ideas on how to 'manage' their co-parenting relationship (i was the one who convinced my SO that low contact is best and it has been better for him).
Yet, after everything I do, I don't get any say! My life and my kids lives have changed so much to fit in with what BM wants. Whenever there is an issue SO brushes off all my opinions etc, his main priority is always to find the path with least resistances where BM is concerned and a lot of times this leaves either us, my kids or his DD at a disadvantage.
I'm feeling emotionally drained and used, I'm starting to get easily upset when BM's name comes up. Is it time for me to pull back, disengage and stop with all my efforts? Is that even possible when we live together??
[[FYI: My kids, DD11, DS9 and DS7. His DD(nearly 4). They have a parenting order. She has served SO and I with trespass notices.]]
Oh boy. Maybe don't do
Oh boy. Maybe don't do anything drastic just yet? Kudos to you for seeking the counseling. So unfair that you would even have to, but so great that you are investing that money in taking care of YOU! See how that goes, maybe? I bet this kind of thing is feeding a LOT of counselors all over the world tonight!!
I was thinking about that
I was thinking about that last night, I do most of the 'heavy-lifting', not because SO doesn't want to or expects me to, his wee girl is just more compliant with me, it'll take him an hour of running around trying to get her in the bath, whereas for me, she's stripping off her clothes before the bath is full. So I've naturally just picked up the slack so things get done faster and stress free for everyone. But this is how I'm getting OVER emotionally involved, I feel like a step-mum... but I'm not
I will take your advice on this one, I need to pull back a bit and take care of mee!
Nobody can co-parent with a
Nobody can co-parent with a high conflict BM. Of course you should avoid anything having to do with her.
And guess what - your SO should do the same. He needs to get a better lawyer and set it up so that the visitation is set in stone with exchanges preferably done in a neutral location and all communication done thru one of those sites like family wizard (I think that's the name of it).
With the proper CO there really does not need to more than a bare minimum of communication between the two of them.
Do some research on parallel parenting.
Wow you guys are amazing!!
Wow you guys are amazing!! And I def see that I've been on the right track the whole time.
When I first met SO, their relationship shocked me! It was crazy insane!! Roller coaster, one extreme to the next, huge text or phone call fights to acting like BBF's the next month. She was walking all over him and their parenting order constantly. Fast forward a year and a half with my involvement, things are much MUCH better, but as you guys are most likely aware, there's always room for more boundaries!!
They do Low-Contact communication which means they are only communicating via a journal that transfers between their homes with SD. This was "working" until my SO got a letter from lawyer stating all of BM's concerns that his new life (me and my kids) are the reasons for all of SD's daycare and medical issues recently, so BM has not been putting ALL parenting issues in this book (yup, I told SO that it's evidence that she is not complying with the parenting order) He contacted daycare and doctors and told them to email him if there are issues.
I have suggested Our Family Wizard and Parallel Parenting, I printed out all the info and gave it to him, he came up with so many excuses "BM doesn't have a computer and her phone doesn't get data so OFW won't work, PP is a bit extreme don't you think".. UMMM NO! I think if ever a case, these two ABSOLUTELY NEED to PP!!!
Gah! This is what has been doing my head in! All my suggestions to make his (and therefore, OUR) lives better get brushed off..
Question, does anyone else interpret that as DH "picking BM" over you??? Or is that just sensitive wee me lol
I feel your pain Mama Duck.
I feel your pain Mama Duck. I am going thru something very similar with my SO. I feel its a neverending sickening roller coaster of her crazy antics and disgruntled emotions trying to do anything possible to make us miserable. 95% of the crap she pulls we laugh off thinking ok its just more ammo to use against her in court however even then it seems like NOTHING ever happens to her in court but her getting what she wants. It has caused a tremendous amount of annimosity between my SO and I trying to understand and deal with someone who has an IQ of a child yet is in their 20's. I cant help but care and try to be understanding the best I can all while trying to be a positive rollmodel for his 6yr daughter who craves motherly attention when she is home with us and asks why she even has to go back to her mom. Breaks my heart!!!!!!
I feel for you so much but at
I feel for you so much but at the same time i'm relieved to know that i'm not the only one going through this.
My DP's ex is an nightmare, she's a selfish, immature little girl who is making my life a misery. She threatens my DP with not seeing his son every time she doesn't get her own way. Her latest one was kicking off because my DP had a job interview and would have to pick up his son later than usual and her response was "getting your son is more important than getting a job!"
Whenever BM spits her dummy out, she involves me and my son, bad mouthing us, blaming us and i've told her to keep me and my DS(7) out of it, she rings my DP's mother and gets her involved even though she doesn't need to be, she's that type of immature where she'll say anything to get people on her side. Me and DP are wanting to get married but with all this drama with his ex it's making me question whether i want to and people think "how can you let her do this?!" but when you have someone like that, that isn't apart of your life but putting demands on how you live it in a way and makes you miserable just for the hell of it, does make you wonder whether its all worth it, as its not something any of us "step parents" signed up for.
I've tried and i'm still trying to disengage but for me i'm finding it very hard to, as my DP's son is unfortunately being raised to be a spoil't, selfish little boy just like his mother, i find it very hard to just stand by and watch it happen as i dont want my DS(7) picking this behavior up but also I've known my DP's son since he was a baby (me and DP were friends years before we got together) and as angry/miserable/upset as the situation makes me, i do care about him and i want the best for him.
I wish I could give you advice but i'm searching for some myself, the only thing i can say is keep this woman out of your life as much as you can and concentrate on you and your children without it ruining your relationship with your DP.