my SD's want control of my DH. My SM is my age and wants control of my Dad. my DH wants to be in control of himself. My dad wants to be in control of himself.
My SD thinks of herself as my husband's partner and has tried to compete with me for his attention from day 1. She has told us both that she felt that I replaced her and is always doing passive aggressive things to cause drama in my marriage. I completely disengaged because there's no way that I will allow her to call the shots and have any sort of control over my life or relationship.
I’m in a messed up situation now... but at one point I was in a relationship with a man who had 2 daughters (and I had mine), and there was certainly no jealousy going on in either direction.
im also certain my DD’s stepmom is not jealous of her and vice versa.
i think it is situational. I’m in a messed up position with DH being alienated, but there isn’t actual jealousy from any of us... just GUBM.
I think if that is going on there is most likely something off within the relationship. Or possibly the DD is a little off in her relationship with her dad.
What appears as jealously is generally a misplaced feeling of inequality in a relationship between a SP and BP.
Many times on this site, you'll find BPs who don't treat their partner as an equal. They either have elevated their children to adult status and expect their new partner, the SP, to recognize this OR they push their partner down to child status and try to rule over all.
SPs who deal with jealously just haven't reached the point where they can blame their feelings on the source - their partner, the BP. Instead of being treated like an equal or top priority, the are constantly put second or lower. They become a placeholder for their SO - a replacement spouse and parent who is there to "fix" and fill in where the other BP/ex failed to meet expectations. Basically, the SP doesn't have their own identity or place in the relationship; they are there to make the "first family" whole again, not build a new family with a new future.
Now, I am sure that there are SPs out there who are actually jealous of their SKs. The way you can tell if it's jealousy of a SK or misappropriated feelings are if the issues the SP is jealousy of are directly related to the SK.
If a SP says they are jealous of how smart, funny, cool, or attractive their SK is, then that is a SP who is actually jealous of their SK.
If a SP says they are jealous that the SK gets hugs and kisses and told "I love you" every 5 minutes by their spouse but the spouse can't muster a hello to them, then that is a problem within the relationship between the SP and BP, and one that the SP hasn't fully recognized yet.
Rarely are step issues actually related to the SKs. It usually ties back to a BP who isn't in a place where they can be a good partner.
i think in step families often the SM can feel like she doesn’t have a spot, and honestly it is a bit of a confusing role to play a lot of the time.
Being a stepmom is hard because you in a sense have this pressure to “do better” than the history, or fix it, or “accept it”.
When you are with a man with no baggage you start fresh, there is no ex who will keep coming around over and over.... you don’t really have to even think about his “old life”- when you are a stepmom it is in your face all the time and a big part of your life.
Precisely. Most SM vs. SK issues are due to the SK being treated more like a wife and the SM being treated more like a child. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. Sometimes DHs will even treat their ex- more like a wife than their current wife. Society has this expectation that after a divorce, the bios can do as they please, but step-parents are expected to suck it up and take it, even to the point of letting either BM or SKs take on SM's primary role and act more like dad's wife, whenever any of 'em feel like it; no permission needed from either dad/ ex- or SM. And, in the first post above, there is a poster who refers to SM trying to control dad. My guess is in reality, it is SM acting like what she is--a wife, dad's wife. Very few seem to get that SM and dad are husband and wife. They'd much rather think that SM is sprinkling mind control dust on dad's cereal every morning, and controlling his every move. Dad is not controlled by anyone other than himself. He is an adult male.
UH, NO! is dads wife supposed to hang up the phone when his daughters call and never let him know they called? Is dads wife supposed to find reasons to have dad leave town when daughters are flying in to visit? Is Dads wife supposed to throw fits when dad wants to stop in to see his daughters when they are driving by the state that daughters live in but then he just keeps on driving and doesnt stop year after year when they travel across the country to see Dads wifes adult kids, just so dads wife wont get mad?
What exactly has happened that the SM is so passive aggressive? Also why is the dad letting this behavior persists? Sounds like there has been alot of issues for this to be the end result. I'm curious as to what.
No. Dad's wife should not be doing that. BUT, if DAD set it up where his wife and his daughter should think of each other as 1:1 competition--for example, he treats his daughter more like a wife and his wife more like a child--then these are the very things that can occur, unfortunately. Usually, in this type of scenario, the SK comes out ahead, when he/ she is a minor, but can often pay the price later when he or she is an adult, because adults are supposed to move on and move out and find their own life partners vs. trying to still trying to vie with SM for the #1 role alongside dad. For instance, a 24 YO adult woman continuing to act like she is or still should dad's #1 partner whenever she comes around, and acting like SM should defer to the basement and stay out of the way whenever DD is around, is going to be unappealing to pretty much everyone, including dad.
This is what happens when proper roles are not followed nor honored. Sometimes it is difficult in a situation to say what came first--a bad a$$ SM or a bad a$$ SK--but once everyone is an adult, both dad and his wife are free to do as they please. AND, once again, SM/ dad's wife is NOT sprinkling mind control dust on dad's cereal every am. As much as I know SKs, even adult SKs like to think that when it comes to SM, dad is just a robot, letting his wife control his every move, this is rarely, rarely the case. If you are not being visited by dad and his wife, then dad is allowing that to occur as well.
Why do people automatically think it's jealousy between a stepmom and bio-anything? Too many people think a stepmom wants to come in and take over old dynamics.
Stepmoms NEVER want to (ok I’m sure there is the very odd one who thinks like that) just everyone expects or thinks that.... that is where the problem is.
Only time I've EVER felt jealousy for either SD is when DH was going off about how absolutely beautiful they are while not ever telling me I look beautiful. That stung. But I was angry at myself for feeling that way too.
In my experience SMs don't just get jealous of SDs unless they're being treated more like the spouse, or their DH is neglecting one of their needs (for me the occasional compliment. Without too many details. Things in my past means sometimes my self-esteem drops low, and just those little reminders from him helps me remember where I came from and knock me back into some sense)
It's not just SD's this happens with, I was accused of being jealous of grown ss and trying to take his father away. It was so confusing to hear that. I mean jealous of what and where was I taking his father? DH, SS and so many of his friends and some family were trying to create this weird triangilation between ss, DH and I. Unfortunately DH was one of the biggest offenders in this drama because now he was some prize to be won.
I'm guessing that the father in OP's situation is unwitting pitting SM and SD against each other for his own ego needs. Then he'll complain to his wife that he can't do anything about it because he's in the middle...right where he put himself.
I have a SD7. I wouldn’t say that I’m jealous of her, but more so annoyed with her jealousy, manipulative, and rude behavior. She’ll see DH hug/kiss me and here she comes to DH asking for the same thing and he’ll do it. Or sometimes she’ll even say “ewww stop kissing her!” My son, 4, is the opposite and enjoys seeing his parents being loving towards one another.
my SD's want control of my DH
my SD's want control of my DH. My SM is my age and wants control of my Dad. my DH wants to be in control of himself. My dad wants to be in control of himself.
Not in my case ...
My SD thinks of herself as my husband's partner and has tried to compete with me for his attention from day 1. She has told us both that she felt that I replaced her and is always doing passive aggressive things to cause drama in my marriage. I completely disengaged because there's no way that I will allow her to call the shots and have any sort of control over my life or relationship.
I’m in a messed up situation
I’m in a messed up situation now... but at one point I was in a relationship with a man who had 2 daughters (and I had mine), and there was certainly no jealousy going on in either direction.
im also certain my DD’s stepmom is not jealous of her and vice versa.
i think it is situational. I’m in a messed up position with DH being alienated, but there isn’t actual jealousy from any of us... just GUBM.
I think if that is going on there is most likely something off within the relationship. Or possibly the DD is a little off in her relationship with her dad.
What appears as jealously is
What appears as jealously is generally a misplaced feeling of inequality in a relationship between a SP and BP.
Many times on this site, you'll find BPs who don't treat their partner as an equal. They either have elevated their children to adult status and expect their new partner, the SP, to recognize this OR they push their partner down to child status and try to rule over all.
SPs who deal with jealously just haven't reached the point where they can blame their feelings on the source - their partner, the BP. Instead of being treated like an equal or top priority, the are constantly put second or lower. They become a placeholder for their SO - a replacement spouse and parent who is there to "fix" and fill in where the other BP/ex failed to meet expectations. Basically, the SP doesn't have their own identity or place in the relationship; they are there to make the "first family" whole again, not build a new family with a new future.
Now, I am sure that there are SPs out there who are actually jealous of their SKs. The way you can tell if it's jealousy of a SK or misappropriated feelings are if the issues the SP is jealousy of are directly related to the SK.
If a SP says they are jealous of how smart, funny, cool, or attractive their SK is, then that is a SP who is actually jealous of their SK.
If a SP says they are jealous that the SK gets hugs and kisses and told "I love you" every 5 minutes by their spouse but the spouse can't muster a hello to them, then that is a problem within the relationship between the SP and BP, and one that the SP hasn't fully recognized yet.
Rarely are step issues actually related to the SKs. It usually ties back to a BP who isn't in a place where they can be a good partner.
Stated perfectly.
Stated perfectly.
i think in step families often the SM can feel like she doesn’t have a spot, and honestly it is a bit of a confusing role to play a lot of the time.
Being a stepmom is hard because you in a sense have this pressure to “do better” than the history, or fix it, or “accept it”.
When you are with a man with no baggage you start fresh, there is no ex who will keep coming around over and over.... you don’t really have to even think about his “old life”- when you are a stepmom it is in your face all the time and a big part of your life.
Precisely. Most SM vs. SK
Precisely. Most SM vs. SK issues are due to the SK being treated more like a wife and the SM being treated more like a child. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. Sometimes DHs will even treat their ex- more like a wife than their current wife. Society has this expectation that after a divorce, the bios can do as they please, but step-parents are expected to suck it up and take it, even to the point of letting either BM or SKs take on SM's primary role and act more like dad's wife, whenever any of 'em feel like it; no permission needed from either dad/ ex- or SM. And, in the first post above, there is a poster who refers to SM trying to control dad. My guess is in reality, it is SM acting like what she is--a wife, dad's wife. Very few seem to get that SM and dad are husband and wife. They'd much rather think that SM is sprinkling mind control dust on dad's cereal every morning, and controlling his every move. Dad is not controlled by anyone other than himself. He is an adult male.
UH, NO! is dads wife
UH, NO! is dads wife supposed to hang up the phone when his daughters call and never let him know they called? Is dads wife supposed to find reasons to have dad leave town when daughters are flying in to visit? Is Dads wife supposed to throw fits when dad wants to stop in to see his daughters when they are driving by the state that daughters live in but then he just keeps on driving and doesnt stop year after year when they travel across the country to see Dads wifes adult kids, just so dads wife wont get mad?
What exactly has happened
What exactly has happened that the SM is so passive aggressive? Also why is the dad letting this behavior persists? Sounds like there has been alot of issues for this to be the end result. I'm curious as to what.
No. Dad's wife should not be
No. Dad's wife should not be doing that. BUT, if DAD set it up where his wife and his daughter should think of each other as 1:1 competition--for example, he treats his daughter more like a wife and his wife more like a child--then these are the very things that can occur, unfortunately. Usually, in this type of scenario, the SK comes out ahead, when he/ she is a minor, but can often pay the price later when he or she is an adult, because adults are supposed to move on and move out and find their own life partners vs. trying to still trying to vie with SM for the #1 role alongside dad. For instance, a 24 YO adult woman continuing to act like she is or still should dad's #1 partner whenever she comes around, and acting like SM should defer to the basement and stay out of the way whenever DD is around, is going to be unappealing to pretty much everyone, including dad.
This is what happens when proper roles are not followed nor honored. Sometimes it is difficult in a situation to say what came first--a bad a$$ SM or a bad a$$ SK--but once everyone is an adult, both dad and his wife are free to do as they please. AND, once again, SM/ dad's wife is NOT sprinkling mind control dust on dad's cereal every am. As much as I know SKs, even adult SKs like to think that when it comes to SM, dad is just a robot, letting his wife control his every move, this is rarely, rarely the case. If you are not being visited by dad and his wife, then dad is allowing that to occur as well.
I think this is a VERY good
I think this is a VERY good summary!
Why do people automatically
Why do people automatically think it's jealousy between a stepmom and bio-anything? Too many people think a stepmom wants to come in and take over old dynamics.
Stepmoms NEVER want to (ok I
Stepmoms NEVER want to (ok I’m sure there is the very odd one who thinks like that) just everyone expects or thinks that.... that is where the problem is.
lol.
lol.
Both of my SDs are...not so bright and not so attractive. So, no. Not jealous.
They do annoy me, though.
Only time I've EVER felt
Only time I've EVER felt jealousy for either SD is when DH was going off about how absolutely beautiful they are while not ever telling me I look beautiful. That stung. But I was angry at myself for feeling that way too.
In my experience SMs don't just get jealous of SDs unless they're being treated more like the spouse, or their DH is neglecting one of their needs (for me the occasional compliment. Without too many details. Things in my past means sometimes my self-esteem drops low, and just those little reminders from him helps me remember where I came from and knock me back into some sense)
It's not just SD's this
It's not just SD's this happens with, I was accused of being jealous of grown ss and trying to take his father away. It was so confusing to hear that. I mean jealous of what and where was I taking his father? DH, SS and so many of his friends and some family were trying to create this weird triangilation between ss, DH and I. Unfortunately DH was one of the biggest offenders in this drama because now he was some prize to be won.
I'm guessing that the father in OP's situation is unwitting pitting SM and SD against each other for his own ego needs. Then he'll complain to his wife that he can't do anything about it because he's in the middle...right where he put himself.
When one's equity life
When one's equity life partner prioritizes another person above the partner/marriage that drives many thoughts and emotions.
I think a better question is why do SParents tolerate this crap from their spouse?
More like annoyed
I have a SD7. I wouldn’t say that I’m jealous of her, but more so annoyed with her jealousy, manipulative, and rude behavior. She’ll see DH hug/kiss me and here she comes to DH asking for the same thing and he’ll do it. Or sometimes she’ll even say “ewww stop kissing her!” My son, 4, is the opposite and enjoys seeing his parents being loving towards one another.