Why is it that I'm always the one to get blamed?
Bm bought the boys $20 tubes a tooth paste a piece so 3 tubes for $60. She sent them here for them to brush their teeth. Ok fine whatever but dh made it clear we weren't responsible for them but the kids are. Bm of course said they are babies they shouldn't be responsible. Um huh? :? Anyway they bring them so then they foret to take them back even though dh and I both reminded several times anyway. Bm calls and starts chewing him out and saying that purpledaisies should have been the one to make sure they had them and now she needs to bring them to me! um again huh? :? Dh told her no that he already told her that we were not responsible in anyway for them.
I have a couple of issues here
1. The boys are not babies they are 14,13, and 10. They are more then capable of being responsible.
2. Why is it that she can calm I am nothing and wants me to have nothing to do with the boys but yet I have to be responsible for their stuff and taking over her role in my house?
You can have it both ways!
She did the same thing when mil has the boys a few weeks ago and they go sunburned b/c they didn't listen and refused sunblock and refused keeping their shirt on. what ever happened to natural consequences?
Sorry guys a few typos there
Sorry guys a few typos there but I don't know how to correct them.
what kind of toothpaste costs
what kind of toothpaste costs $20?
Does she think you don't have toothpaste at your house?
I'd say that if she wants them to use $20 toothpaste at your house then she has to supply some that remains at your house.
We had similar problems with clothes. After years of crap we don't send anything back and forth anymore and if anything goes with them to their mother's I assume I'll never see it again.
Have been irriatated about a
Have been irriatated about a similar problem myself...
Again trying to talk myself down from the irritation thinking it must be just me overreacting.
>>Does she think you don't have toothpaste at your house?>>
My SD brings all her own personal products, toothbrush, even though we have several for her, toothpaste, brush, shampoo, soap, lotion, EVERYTHING. I always have this odd feeling about it, like we can't take care of her while she's at our home so BM has to make sure she has everything she needs. Then I also have these feelings that maybe SD does it because she won't use anything of mine, also a distinct possibility.
That's funny kinda...cuz it
That's funny kinda...cuz it peeves me that SS would come for a weekend with nothing but the shirt on his back! I dont think we should have to have some nasty toothbrush laying around for 2 weeks in between anybody needing to use it. And we sure as hell dont need any of his stuff in our house either!
Guess no matter what, someone's gonna be pissed! lol
$20 toothpaste? Are their
$20 toothpaste? Are their teeth rotting out of their heads or something?? If it's not medically necessary, just leave it in their bags and dont use it? I agree that by their ages, they certainly should be able to manage their own things.
My daughters are 7 and 9, and they packed her own bags for summer camp today. As we walked out, I DID ask them about what they packed. One would think that since it's a swim day, they would pack a swimsuit, towel, and maybe goggles or brush...whatever they want. So I see this blank look in my oldest's face when she realizes she was about to go with ONLY her towel (no suit)! Clearly it was just an oversight, but I'm really glad I asked, as I know how devastated she would be if it came time to change and she realized all her friends had suits and she didnt. Even though it would be her fault, and she would know it, I would have no way to get one to her and I would just feel bad.
I guess what I'm saying is...as a mom, I DO tend to ask somewhat "obvious" questions...like did you use SOAP when you washed your hands? I hand off some of the responsibility to them, but I sort of handle the "loose ends" part of it by just asking if they have everything and naming specific necessary items.
HOWEVER, these are not your kids, so you would be the Last person I think who should have to ask? Whomever is taking them home maybe could? But if something gets forgotten, it really is on the kids. And surely they are used to going back and forth (my kids are not) so they should know this by now.
Why is it that I'm always the
Why is it that I'm always the one to get blamed?
Because....wait for it.....you're the STEPMOTHER! }:)
BM is just trying to create drama - don't buy into it. Let DH deal with her.
I do let dh deal with it. the
I do let dh deal with it. the tooth paste is special for the dentist that said the boys had to have it.
I do ask if they have everything and they say yes and it is a process that we go trough several times and they always say yes.
I do ask b/c I'm a mom too and understand that kids are kids. Bm is the one that don't seem to get that one b/c according to her the kids should never be responsible for anything.
This is a huge issue in my house b/c bm is the way she is the boys don't have any concept of time, so therefore have to be told when to do everything. She hovers over them to the point that they wait till they are forced to do anything. I hope I am saying this right. Bm controls everything the boys do from the time they get up to the time they go to bed and she does everything for them. So when they come here we are more relaxed and we let the kids be independent and have natural consequences. At her house they have no responsibility and no independence, they can't even get themselves a glass of water b/c she thinks they are too little.
Ok I hope I was able to describe why the boys have a hard time to do the simplest of things that most kids their age should be able to do. We can't trust them to go to the park and be back at x time b/c of it. (small town and park is only a few blocks away)
I realized a long time ago
I realized a long time ago that everything is always going to be my fault somehow. I can even joke about it now. My ex and his wife blame me for all kinds of stuff. My husband's ex wife blames me for literally everything that ever goes wrong in her life.
*sigh. I'm pretty sure I am responsible for both global warming and the current crisis in the gulf.
Sorry, you can't be
Sorry, you can't be responsible for global warming, I am!
Call me daft, but I wonder if laminated lists would work for these kids who don't know what to bring with them between parents - then things can be checked in and out of bags - by the kids.
mom2five that was funny lol.
mom2five that was funny lol. yep me too then b/c I'm always to blame even when I don't have them. LOL
I totally see what you're
I totally see what you're saying. Btw, I had to get that $20 toothpaste before for overly sensitive teeth (I flossed too much, go figure) but I'm surprised kids would need it? Some reason they couldnt share one tube? Odd.
Anyhow, I chuckle to myself because I wonder if my sister would describe me the way you describe BM? I know she thinks that I "over manage" my kids, and of course, I think hers completely run the show. And our parents are still married! So we were raised in the same house. But for me, I feel that we take the best from our parents, and ditch the rest, when it's time to raise our own kids. I feel that my mother was "lazy" in that she would sleep in, and I remember helping ourselves to the kitchen! I remember getting our own breakfast cereal and climbing up on the counter to get a bowl - so we must've been young? We ate chips out of the bag, and drank pop, right from the bottle! The whole scene horrifies me, and I can admit that I had little respect (as a teen) for the idea that this was my parents' house.
So MY personal reasoning for getting my kids snacks, or drinks, or whatever...is not because I think they are too little, but because I dont want them helping themselves to my kitchen! Yes it started out because they were too little...but they are now 7 and 9, and they DO get things on their own, but only after asking and being given permission first. Every Time. They have to ask to change the tv channel or volume, if for no other reason than courtesy, but the tv IS mine.
About a month ago I was on the phone with my sister when I could hear her 7yo son upset and sad that he didnt have a lunch today?? And she sounded so cold saying "well did you Pack a lunch?" and he said no, and she said "guess you should've!" There is NO WAY I would expect my 7 and 9 year old to pack their own lunches! If they wanted to, they could do it (and I would check it to make sure it's not just cookies!) but come on!
Anyways...my point is surely NOT to defend your BM, but just wondering if maybe there's a possibility of a different angle or reason for the difference in parenting styles?? I'm sure you're probably right, and she is just setting them up to fail in life because she wont be there to do everything for them...but your comments just made me think of me compared to my sister!
And I still think it's not your problem if they forget to bring their toothpaste home!
She bought each kid their own
She bought each kid their own b/c that is the way she is. Each has to have their own of everything! They do not share a thing! They don't even have to wear each others clothes when the older ones out grow them she gives them away and buy new for each kid. But each to their own. I just think this way of thinking is mot making for very responsible and self sufficient person when they get older. ss14 came up to me about a year ago and want me to teach him how to cook and use all the things in the kitchen b/c he wanted to make sure he knew how before he moved out. He didn't even know how to make a half of a sandwich. He was so confused I felt so bad for him. The sandwich was when he around 10 though and i taught him. What ever they know how to I taught them b/c they ask to learn it and tall me that their mom refuses to teach them. I thought that raising your kids was to teach and guide them to be able to take car of themselves when they were old enough to move out? Along with the correct behaviors and social norms. I do what I can for them.
I just feel so bad for them b/c they have this entitlement attitude they got from bm. Like the world owes them everything under the sun. I just know bm is going to call the jobs they apply for and ask why didn't MY kid get the job? I know she will. I feel so bad for their future wives as well to have a mil like her. I have talked to dh about this as well and he agrees that IF the boys get to keep a girl at all he would so feel sorry for them.
midwestmama I don't think you are doing it to the extreme bm does Like I said before she still brushes their teeth, how do i know she bragged about the dentist telling her to stop doing and the boys are way old enough to do it themselves. She said he is not going to stop b/c they don't do it right. Ok I can give her that they may not do it the way SHE wants them to but isn't it about time they learn! I mean they brush them while they are here but I have to force them to do it. My guess is why I have to is b/c they are so used to her just doing it for them.
LOL! Omigosh! Yes...she's
LOL! Omigosh! Yes...she's quite over the top! There's such a thing as giving them certain freedoms they can handle as they grow! You are doing the right thing by helping when you can...but it's unfortunate, these are her kids to raise and they WILL turn out "entitled" as you said. What is WITH these extreme parenting methods these days?! Listen to this!
My sister's 3yo son was making his own breakfast one day (which he is expected to do) so he put his frozen eggo waffles into the microwave for 9 minutes. The smoke (from what looked like hockey pucks) set off their security system, and my sister had a laugh as she told the fire department to "never mind" (her husband is fire chief in another city) and then scolded her older child (7yo) for allowing this to happen.
Her 7yo has come to wake her before, because he noticed it looked like it might rain outside, and they'd left their pool towels outside. My sister was so proud that he thought of this.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? This poor kid thinks he has to run the house?! It's all on him! I just hate how people do things sometimes.
She brushes a 14 y.o.'s teeth
She brushes a 14 y.o.'s teeth for him. :jawdrop: How does he stand it?!? Do you skids have socialization problems (can't play with kids their own age, get made fun of ALOT) because their mother treats them like infants??
Will there be a pop quiz
Will there be a pop quiz later???
Thanks for the cliff notes!
Yes they do have a lot of
Yes they do have a lot of issues and i really think that is why ss14 is so angry all the time. He gets treated like he is 2 at her house and comes here and it is so different. I also think they have a hard time with understand what is normal for their ages as far as freedoms go. I do feel that is why do what I can while they are here to teach them their mile stones for their ages. dh and I have a chore list and I teach them how to do their chores and to get better. We also have been letting them out little by little. They are more than capable of doing these things. There is nothing we can do about what goes on at her house though. there is only so much we can do since they aren't here but EOW and EOH and 4 weeks out of the summer.
They have come so far with everything I have taught. The only issues we have now is that they have no concept of time so we cant leave them up and trust them to go to bed at a certain time. Because they won't. Plus they are so slow at getting ready for bed and crushing their teeth and showers.
We have seprate issues with ss14 about hitting and thinking it is ok. He is a bully and is just plan mean to all other kids. Even my neighbor refuses to let him back in her house or plan with her son b/c of it. She will let the other kids other but not him, I can;t blamer though. And yes I know he needs help but if the parents don't agree what can I do? I have tried to talk to dh about it but we always fight so I left it alone unless he is mean to my son.
SS6 wanted to stay up a
SS6 wanted to stay up a little later than we did the other night playing a video game. He has no sense of time, but that's understandable, he just graduated kindergarten, lol.
I set a timer for him and set it by him. When it went off, he turned off his game and went to bed. I know because I checked on him a few minutes after his timer was supposed to go off since it was my first time to try this. So, it worked well.
I use timers a lot for myself and the kids with chores, time in the shower which eventually taught SD8 a sense of time for in there and sharing video game time. It's one of the best parenting tools I have and I've got two that cost me a buck each at Dollar Tree.
Timers are terrific. When I
Timers are terrific. When I am doing clinical work with kids I often use them!
I strongly recommend them as a great tool for parenting right up into teens
Ha I think its easy to attack
Ha I think its easy to attack the step-mother, cos they are outsiders.
I don't tend to get attacked as dh does, as I do more for ss than both dh and bm combined so she cant really complain.
I would tell her (well get your dh to tell her straight) that the boys are MORE than old enough (I had a good giggle at babies to be honest) to be responsible for their toothpaste if she MUST send them with it (seems absolutely ludicrous to have 20 dollar toothpaste to me) and SHE needs to tell them to be responsible for it! silly woman!
Timers that sounds like a
Timers that sounds like a good idea. Thanks. She said they HAVE to have this tooth paste b/c they cavities. UM ok? Dh said the dentist ripped her off. LOL Wait I think I should get alarms b/c often times we go to bed 2 hours before I think they should be in bed.
Bed time here is awful when have the boys. My 2 kids can go to their rooms and stay up as long as they want without bothering anyone. The boys well they run through the house yelling and playing with no regard to anyone else that is sleeping. Dh and I fight b/c yet again I'm picking on his kids b/c I want them in bed when he goes to bed. IF they can't have respect for anyone in the house then they are not old enough to stay up. Has nothing to do with me picking on them. Not to mention it takes the boys almost an hour to get ready for bed. I don;t really know why except they will just stand there till you get really mean with them then they will do 1 thing till you get mean with them. Drives me crazy. Dh goes to bed early b/c he has to go to work leaves me up and I put them to bed. We fight b/c of this and I tell him that I am expected to put them to bed or they wont do it. Dh says you are not expected to so don't. I said ok I won't umm lets just say dh had to get really mad at them. He didn't get to bed till 1am! LOL I think he finally understood! Bed time is getting better, still not where it needs to be.