Why is it never enough
Why is it never enough. Got SD for 4 days over her half term holiday. I arrange to spend all day on my own with her today, we have a had a loverly day, went and did some crafting together this morning, then had lunch and this afternoon went and bought some new clothes. I agreed Monday we would go out as Family and Tuesday I'm taking her for a hair cut. But no, that's not enough, dad has now decided that our day out on Monday will be a short holiday and we are going Sunday, never mind that I don't want to, but thats is not a good enough reason. Why can't he take her on his own. Are these men incapable of amusing there children alone. I managed today, we had a loverly time without him.
I'm realising step family's work when you have one on one. I get on well with my step daughter when just me and her and dad working, he gets on well with my daughter when I am working, I get on well with him when the girls are else where. We don't do bad as a four, Cause strangely, I look after his daughter and he spends time with mine. But the old saying twos company and threes a crowd is so true of step families.
“Are these men incapable of
“Are these men incapable of amusing their children alone.” Yes. I always call that the elephant in the room. Too many people go around thinking that SMs somehow prevent their husbands from wanting to be with their own children. Nope. I actually believe, like me, most of them go around begging their husbands to do more with their kids.
The impact divorce has on a man and his children’s relationship is definitely different that BM’s. BM carried the child for nine months, and will always feel connected to the child as a mother, no matter what. May even just be something in the DNA. I don’t know. Dads, on the other hand, have a hard time relating to their kids when they are not with them 24/7, and especially if they only see them EOWE or such.
Contrary to popular belief, DHs love having their wife, SM around them and the kids. They want SM there as their personal buffer and there as the fall guy if anything comes up questionable with the kids. Nice to be a SM, isn’t it? And, to boot, when DH doesn’t have the wherewithal to be around alone with his kids much, SM gets accused of being Evil SM for “keeping him from his kids.”
P.S. My guess is he does better with your daughter because he doesn't have the "burden" of personal responsibility for her.
That make so much sense
I think you are right, he doesn't have the same responsibility to my daughter, he can abscond any blame as she is mine not his. I wouldn't mind being out with him and SD, but he can't split himself between the two of us. Which I don't expect him to but He can't Seem to understand that just cause he want to spend every min with her I don't. If he has the chance to have her another night, I honestly don't mind, but he then expects me to change my plans, he can see her when ever he wants, he just needs to not assume I don't always want to come along. So when we he had the opportunity I get annoyed not because I don't want him to see her, but because I don't want my day dictating by her. He can do what he likes. I had to put my foot down about this Wednesday coming up. He normally takes her back on a holiday on the Wednesday but he is working, he assumed I was going to look after her, I pointed out, why should her own mother get the day off when she doesn't work, and she gets a day off everyday when she is at school and had the last four days off, I am a full time teacher and get one week off.
I'm not sure I really
I'm not sure I really understand what's happening here, but NO is a complete sentence, so use it.
"Oh, DH, I'm going to let you and SD go off alone together today, I've got things to do. Have fun!"
"But I want you to go!"
"No, sorry - can't make it this time. Have fun!"
He can expect what he wants, you don't have to go along with it.
How about pointing out how
How about pointing out how great it will be for him to have that special bonding time with her? Just him and her, what a treat for them both. And no stepmother to get in the way
If not, just tell him you had other things planned and are not going to change them at the last minute. Period.
Say all those things, No, I
Say all those things, No, I've got work to do, be great for you to spent time together etc, etc... but he wares me down, till I give in. Don't worry I recognise he is being manipulative and slightly controlling, and after little one goes back, will let him know what a twat I think he has been.
The problem I have is and this is where I am slightly hypocritical is that he does do stuff with my daughter, so he expects me to do the same with his. Which I get. But my daughter was 13 when met and now 18. SD was 2 and now 7. Not the same level of attention needed. My daughter can amuse herself for more than 1 min at a time. I really do struggle, he has been a great step dad with my daughter, her bio father hasn't bothered since he left us. When I met now Fiancé he has always tried to make her feel important and special. My daughter does think a lot of him, when her boyfriend was giving her a hard time she spoke to step dad not bio dad, he is a loverly man. I just feel restricted when he has his daughter. I think when we have children, as the mother we make all the decision, then we are thrown into a role where we are expected to do all that a mother does but relinquish all the responsibilities. I find I can't have one without put the other. I showed my Girls I cared because I loved them, set rules and boundaries and helped them grow into nice younge ladies that can function in the world. I feel As step mums we are expected to love these children unconditionally but are not allowed an opinion on their upbringing.
Then turn it around. Why don
Then turn it around. Why don't you want to spend time alone with your daughter? Most dads love spending special time with their daughters. When she looks back when she's older, she's going to realize that she never got to have you just for her... and she'll wonder why ...
If you let him wear you down,
If you let him wear you down, then it's you that has the problem here, not him. Stop letting that happen. Try raising your voice and saying you've already told him NO and to stop asking.
People can't walk all over you if you aren't lying on the floor.
No it’s on you
You need to learn boundaries and say no. Right now, it appears he knows if he badgers you enough, you will eventually say yes. So stop it. Say no, make other plans and get out of the house before he can drag you off.
My SO and his kids love the beach. I hate the beach after about 10 min. He likes to rent a house at the beach every year. He knows there is no way on earth I want to go. So after the first couple years, he has stopped asking. Because he knows my no means no.
Develo that resource in yourself! Practice with this. You are an adult and don't have to be anywhere you don't want to.
It isn't his fault for
It isn't his fault for wearing you down, it is yours for letting him. If he starts to argue or insist, you simply tell him what he wants isn't possible and that you will be happy to see them when they come home. Then walk away. Drive away. Whatever it takes to stop the conversation.Tell him while you care for his daughter, you also need time to care for yourself and its wearing you out. Then stand politely firm. If you can't do this, see a therapist for some assistance in finding your voice and losing whatever guilt is causing you to give in.