Why people are so judgy
Hello everyone! It's been awhile. It looks like me and my husband found what works best for us since his kids are still living with us. I disengaged and it works, although still not easy mentally having to see stepkid who once insulted me walking in our house everyday, doing all the mess etc.
I was on another forum and there a woman asked for advice on how to deal with her stepson who has mental problems etc. She is feeling detached and doesn't want to be around him, she is also expecting a child of her own and is worried how the stepkid going to behave once the baby is born.
I gave ger an advice based on my experience, told that I disengaged and life became easier, I also said that stepkids are not my responsibility, they are their bio parent's responsibility.
After that I got seriously attacked/bullied there lol. People started saying Im a horrible person, what if my husband read my comment, that these kids are 100% my responsibility once I matried my husband and all that kind of awful stuff. Most of them don't even have an experience of living in a blended family so I get it, it seems easier from afar. But why people just think that we have to love stepkids as our own kids and if we say anything bad about them then we are horrible. I've been through a lot of sh*t with my stepkids and I will never love them, I actually resent them. I guess only people who have an experience can really understand what it's like.
It's not that they're judgy,
It's not that they're judgy, they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. Ignore them.
WOW
I just get a kick out of that- one time DH's ex wife (now I have her kid full time) made a remark that "I knew what I was getting into" when I was NOT happy that I had to pick up my step from school because she was sick. UMM the BM does not work and I was flabergasted that it became my "job" to pick this kid up. Anyways - I have long since disengaged and do the bare amount possible- I am happier. Ppl that make remarks like that have no idea the amount of stress that is involved in being a stop mom. For some reason the step dads are not expected to love kids "like thier own" but women generally are. But I digress. I will never love my step like I do my own child - while I care about her I cannot say that I love her like that and that's ok for me!
Yes
Yes
they expect stepmoms to love stepkids as their own no matter what. But stepkids will never love us 95% of the time. There exceptions, but they are so small that barely anyone knows them.
If it was Reddit, i think a
If it was Reddit, i think a lot of posters there are young adult stepkids based on what i've read.
I was about to say that it was Reddit also!
No need to lose sleep over any comments there. It's mostly spotty teenagers and incels that post there.
I posted about my situation there (SO's dead BM insisted on conceiving on IVF nonetheless while she herself was born with a deadly disease and was nearing the end of her life, plus EVERY member in her family had one or another kind of serious genetic disorder). The point of my post was that I was heartbroken watching the kids and my boyfriend having to suffer the consequences of her selfish desire to experience motherhood before she carks it. Well, the comments got so wild, where the commenters somehow concluded that I hated the kids and SO, was jealous of a dead woman, and that my SO forcibly impregnated her so that he can gloat having (disordered) children after she passes. I was left wondering what substances the commenters were on.
As stepparents, especially
As stepparents, especially stepmothers, we are expected to love skids as our own, yet skids are NOT expected to love their stepmother like their bio mother or stepfather like their bio father. Holy double standards Batman! Maybe we would be more inclined towards loving them that way if they were lovable. If they didn't act like demon spawns, didn't lie, didn't steal, didn't do everything they could to break up the relationship between their bio parent and stepparent. Just because we're step parents doesn't mean it's ok to step on us and expect us to ask for more of the same bad treatment.
SLOW. CLAP.
SLOW. CLAP.
Naive at best, stupid at
Naive at best, stupid at worst. Never forget, you cannot fix stupid. Dumb, can be fixed. Stupid is incurable.
Too bad you could not test speaking of the illbehaved spawn as people rather than kids. See if you get a different response.
The "person" assaulted me. Cursed me out. Left shit all over the bathroom, called me a (fill in the blank). Then after the outrage of the behavior of the person has built, then share that it is a SKid. See how quick they STFU. My guess is there will not be much pushback when they comment on what a "person" does Vs what a kid does.
Not easy to do on a SParenting/blended family site. But, it would be interesting to test.
It’s just upset me
That these people don't see what they are doing/or not doing. The ones who have SGK. and bio GK. The SGK get one Christmas present. Bios get so many you can't count. But they are golden. SIL gets ticked off. and He has mental problems. But these are the same people who tell you what you did wrong.
I think that some people can
I think that some people can't imagine how bad some of the situations can be. There are blended families that actually work: respectful step kids, bio parents who actually parent and respect boundaries.
But, even in the best situations, to say that step kids are 100% the step parents' responsibility is a giant reach.
I am of the mind that the
I am of the mind that the SKid is as much a responsibility as the SParent decides. The SParent and only the SParent. Even the prior breeder who brings a failed family spawn to a blended marriage is not the one to decide. It is the choice of the SParent, only the choice of the SParent, as are the boundaries, standards of behavior, and standards of performance. The mate bringing the baggage either supports that, or they and their spawn and gone.
For me, it was not a major challenge as my SS-31's mom even more firmly engaged on this parenting model than I did when we were raising SS for the 16+ years we navigated blended family life under the auspices of the CO.
Its Toxic Family Traditions
My toxic MIL treats everyone in the family like dirt, then when they run from her…she leers them back in with money- and all is forgiven. After over twenty years, all the daughters-in-law disengaged from MIL except her children—why? because her children had something to gain. Can you guess what it is?
Now, my skids treat their granny, my toxic MIL, with disrespect; that is when they aren’t ignoring the old girl. However, MIL still chases them. Why? Because she wants to pass on her family tradition, that’s why. She’s teaching them that being a88hole is perfectly okay, even favored in this messed up family; they should both expect to endure and dish out abuse and neglect and produce chaos as part of the norm.
My toxic mother-in-law is actively encouraging my husband to reconnect with his estranged, poorly-behaved child. Why? Simply because she insists on it. It doesn't matter to her that same skid at age fourteen once tried to manipulate one of her boy-toys into assaulting my husband as he attempted to address this skids self-destructive behavior. To my mother-in-law, none of this merits consideration. Her primary goal is to maintain control and position herself as the problem-solver in this dysfunctional family- being the proverbial ‘sharpest tool in the shed,’ so to speak, orchestrating a reunion with the wayward child at all costs, regardless of this grown-ass adult woman-child's lack of accountability or lack of remorse. Nothing has changed other than this grown-ass adult woman-child's behavior is STILL self-destructive and is worse. Again, to my mother-in-law, none of this merits consideration. My mother-in-law expects everyone to fall in line with her plans simply.
Where does the Stepparent come in, you know, the one that wasn’t born into this insane asylum?
I have disengaged from this sh*tshow of a family – because toxic MIL stepped over a line with me one too many times, I have completely disengaged from her. And, my DH, her son, one of MIL's grade-A enablers, sees my behavior as 'the problem,' he says I should 'forgive and forget...'
No, sir!
I’m a pariah because I’m not following this crazy family tradition – instead, I see toxic behavior and decide I’m not going along to get along. Because I have standards and boundaries, I’m seen as a threat. I’m not chasing after toxic-ass people. Period.
In many dysfunctional stepfamilies, the stepparent often becomes a pariah, mainly because they might be the 'healthiest' member who sees the bullsh*t, calls it out, and doesn’t go along to get along. Therefore, they pose a threat to entrenched toxic family traditions. This dynamic can lead to the stepparent being marginalized as they challenge the status quo, attempting to introduce healthier behaviors and patterns, such as remorse, accountability, respect, and boundaries. Can anyone here say boundaries (?)?
My MIL doesn't interact with me for one reason: if she misbehaves, I don't accept her behavior and don't chase her. She doesn't chase me because, well, I wasn't born into her insane asylum, so I'm not a VIP member. In a toxic stepfamily, blood ties are everything. Loyalty via marriage means nothing unless it benefits the VIP club.
I think that your MIL is my
I think that your MIL is my SS's SpermGrandHag. It is all about the control.
She lost her mind when my DW, then a 17yo single teen mom kicked the Spermidiot to the curb for cheating. Once the Hag reliazed that she still had notable control, she backed off. Then... DW left the State of the Peoples Republic of SpermLand for University. Still nothing from the SpermGrandHag. My IL clan was on the ragged edge of abject poverty and the Hag likely was of the mind that DW would come running back to SpermLand with her tail between her legs.
Until the small town grapevine made her aware that DW was dating someone. Then the Hag lost her mustard seed sized mind.
Her attempts to manipulate, control, and dictate were nearly constant from then until SS aged out from under the CO at 18 3mos after graduating from HS.
SS is a very empathetic personality. He was firm that though things were a shit storm in SpermLand, SpermGrandHag was the one providing for his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. He put her on a pedestal as an honorable caring person and just another victim of her own POS son. Reality was and is that the Spermidiot is nothing but her primary pawn.
As he progressed to aging out from under the CO, he gained increasing clarity that the Hag, rather than being altruistic in her motivations, was a domineering control freek for no other reason than being a domineering control freek wanting to keep her minion victims under her heel.
He still has some heartbreak over that epiphany.
In many dysfunctional
Especially this!
I get it
I get how you feel. Thank goodness my family are always on my side even tho they never been in this situation but now FINALLY I made a friend that is a SM too and OMG we understand each other perfectly. We are the same so we can speak with no fear or judgment and it feels so good. Maybe you could tru actively meet people in your similar situation it really helps!
Here is what to say
Give them the digital finger and tell them to rotate. I vented on one of those forums once and I thought they were going to call the police, LOL. Glad I found this place.
Most people have no idea and live in an idealistic world that does not exist. I have one SD I have a great relationship and the other three have nothing to do with me. Despite taking care of them for the years their dad wasn't around.
I am never going to be purposely mean but all you can do is give it your best and then leave it alone. I am just grateful I never have to deal with them anymore.
Its true. People are judgy on other forums
Its true, I had a similar experience on another forum. I was in a legal forum asking about how to fight paying extended postsecondary school support for SD. I got so much hate it was unbelievable. When I said I cared about the kids but that they needed to be held accountable as adults to pay for themselves, I got the "Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back": comment from some jealous bm that I actually gave a damn about someone else's kids.
They also said I should expect to pay and that I should have known what I was getting into, blah blah. Its the same old story. I ended up telling them how I really felt and got banned from the forum, which was totally worth it. Ha ha. If they want to make me into a monster, I'm happy to oblige.