Why stepparents are 'stepping out'
This was on another post - found this one interesting.
24. THE RELUCTANT STEPPARENT PERSON:
We are seeing a growing number of people both males and females who no longer “wish to be involved.” This has increased over the last decade. The causes are numerous.
- People have become involved in step and failed, draining their energies, emotions, and taxing their career.
- More women are working and devoting their time to the market place as opposed to the parent place.
Should the relationship end in divorce, the adults involved are frequently reluctant to commit to any relationship involving children.
- We are seeing a greater number of people abstaining from serious involvements, having casual relationships, and sometimes no relationships at all.
- We are also seeing a growing number of women who have never parented, who have been or are involved in relationships where there are children, deciding never to have a baby because of their negative experience of step.
The ultimate stepparent is an ex-stepmother or an ex-stepfather. So often they are dissolved from their prior stepchildren's lives after years of involvement and caring.
---------------
I can TOTALLY see this as a reason why steps say 'see ya!' - after trying forever and EVER, and getting nothing in return, and realizing the unhappiness stems from a crappy step-life, yeah I can understand the reasoning. Whatever the step-divorce rate (60% for general stepfamilies/90%+ for those that started from an affair) it's not surprising.
Great article. This one really stood out though.
I've also thought about this.
I've also thought about this.
One of my skids has been VERY adamant that they will NEVER marry. EVER NEVER EVER. Will never get involved with the opposite sex. And they are at an age where they typically start being interested. Not an inkling. It is absolutely because of what my step kid experienced from the divorce, unfortunately.
Our world will be changed dramatically when these children of divorce marry or procreate. They just DO NOT have the experience of a family that 'sticks' together. ALL they know is family failure, marriage breakdown and splitting apart. It's very sad, given the number of stepkids/stepfamilies.
Wonder how much 'divorce' will benefit the government then? Hindsight is 20/20. The divorce rates now (apparently) help the economy by providing 2 households and more job creation. But I don't think it's sustainable once everyone is divorcing/remarrying/divorcing/step-everything 20x over. It will be more like an epidemic 'crisis of family' my opinion.
And more from the previous
And more from the previous article, related to this topic:
"- It is generally considered by researchers that couples today have a deficit of skills with which to make partnerships last. Explanations abound.
- 80% of married women have careers and women are less dependent on the support of the male partner.
- Over 80% of women who enter into stepfamilies are career women. These women do not have to endure the unexpected rigors of remarriage.
- Men who choose to end a marriage also know that career women cost less to divorce.
- A Boston University psychologist researcher reported that of the career women who had married men with children over 75% said that, "if they had do it again they would NOT marry a man with children."
The explanations are there. StepMoms and StepDads are just leaving. I mean WHY would anyone want to stay in a situation where they are treated like sh*t by people that are supposed to be their 'family'?
The false dream of the 'perfect gang' or 'ideal family' is blown up like a slap in the face for these StepParents, who wake up one day and go
'WHAT is this? I'm out of here.'
Everyone has their own
Everyone has their own experience of trauma. I do think there are a lot of damaged people as a result of divorce. There are a lot of stories out there, and here on these boards to prove that point.
I know people who have divorced parents as well and are fine. *There is a difference to me* between divorce where there is cooperation and an absolute war between the BioParents, Parental Alienation tactics towards the children causing strife between family members, bioparents & children and of course step-parents.
If divorce isn't traumatic, why do boards like this one exist?
Newwife3, you are sooo right!
Newwife3, you are sooo right! I have told my DH time and time again that his lack of parenting is not going to help or benefit his kid in any way. Yeah, kid loves coming to our house because DH is a "Disney Dad", but that in now way is helping SK to learn any life lessons or helping SK grow as a person. ((sigh))
I found it very interesting
I found it very interesting that most stepmoms were career women. But then again I've always been perturbed by the SAHM that's a stepmom. Not that she doesnt have the right to make and live that choice just that it's hard enough for most families to live well on two incomes, let alone one, much less for one income to in effect take care of two homes. Especially if dad abundantly comtributes outside of CS at the expense of his new family. How that work, and the ensuing struggle is beyond me. There are different rules IMO that stepfamilies must accept, because they are different not because they are lesser. I'd like to explore this further but it'll take a whole other post.
Interesting discussion topic.
Interesting discussion topic. You should float it as an independent topic. I would be very interested in seeing it.
I guess from my perspective CS is THE obligation that an NCP has to his initial family from a financial perspective and that is only to his kids not to his X. The primary financial obligation is to the resident spouse/family. An NCP is not on the hook for providing for two households completely. The NCP is on the hook for 50% of the resources to raise the intial family children and on the hook for as much as 100% of the resources to raise the children in the subsequent family. Things get even more conveluted when the subsequent family has a yours/mine/ours makeup.
This is probably not going to be a popular perspective and may be driven by my perspective as a man but it is what I think.
In our case my wife stayed home with our son (my SS) until he started school full time. She working on her BS in teh evenings but was home with the kid during the day until he started kindergarten. In TX kindergarten is full time. She would drop him off at the bus stop in the AM and pick him up at the stop in the afternoon. (It was on the corner three houses down from ours).
She would drop him off at a drop-in day care on her way to class and I would pick him up 30mins later on my way home from work.
I never expected or required my wife to work. She chose to work and to set an example of the value of education, professional career and exhaustive work ethic for her (our) son. She felt it was critical to counter the SpermIdiot and SpermClan and their focus on breeding yet another generation of entitlement minions.
I found it very interesting
I found it very interesting that most stepmoms were career women. But then again I've always been perturbed by the SAHM that's a stepmom. Not that she doesnt have the right to make and live that choice just that it's hard enough for most families to live well on two incomes, let alone one, much less for one income to in effect take care of two homes. Especially if dad abundantly comtributes outside of CS at the expense of his new family. How that work, and the ensuing struggle is beyond me. There are different rules IMO that stepfamilies must accept, because they are different not because they are lesser. I'd like to explore this further but it'll take a whole other post.
The timing of this post is
The timing of this post is fitting for my situation at present. I'm officially separated after a 6 year relationship. 4 married, from a man with a child.
For years I tried to fit into a family that was established before I came into the picture. The "family" that was created by our marriage afterward was always on his terms. He's a good man. Really he is. He loves his child more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. The trouble is, he has little left over. There is so much more that caused the end of the marriage, too complicated to some up in one sentence.
I can tell you though, every other week I was never completely at ease in my own home. One that I paid more than my share of.
The weeks when the chid wasn't in my home, I spent trying to connect to him.
i was unhappy.
Yes, Im a career woman who brought a lot of $$ into the marriage and now he is faced with having to pay me a lot of money to "buy me out" of the house.
My relationship with him was full of compromise on my part for the big things. Wanting children of my own was the biggest thing.
Ironically, I'm not sure, if I walked each step in his shoes, if I would do anything differently. If I would have parented differently. The thing is, it makes for a shitty second marriage for the person coming into it after the fact.
I'm lucky that i'm not financially tied to him. I'm lucky that my hard work all my has provided me with choices.
Do I wish that he would have cared enough about our relationsihip to allow me to actually value my opinions when it came to parenting rather than become defensiive? Yes. I've only ever had both of their best interests at heart. He just never had my best interests at heart.
I can honestly say that I will never involve myself in a relationship with a man with children in a serious way ever again.
My life for the past 5 years or so is chronicled in the posts of this Board.
I'm scared, of what lies ahead. Mostly the lonliness that comes with being single. The longling for a partner in life to comfort you and care for you. But I know that being lonely in a marriage is worse.
I'll miss you Rags, and all of the posters on this board who gave me some sane feedback when I needed it.
I know a lot of people that
I know a lot of people that just quit. I am SO sorry it had to end like this but likely it's for the better, because if you stayed with this person for 10 years you'd feel horrible and even worse than you do now. It's hard being single, but harder being in a stepfamily where you are made to feel like dirt, an outsider and denied things you really want in your life.
I'm surprised
I was reading the boards this morning and was surprised to see my post from 5 years ago.
Update: ExDH and I separated over 5 years ago. I kept in touch with his daughter for about 5 years. He has moved on with another woman who has two teenaged girls. They bought a house and moved in together. It was around that time when I decided it was time to cut ties with both of them.
While its true, I said "I will never involve myself with a man with children in a serious way again", it has happened. I am with a man. He has children. For the past five years I had believed that a good relationship meant that the items in the "good" column outnumbered the items in the "bad" column. I now know I was wrong.
A good relationship is when there is kindness, and love and laughter and ease....EVERYDAY. I found that. I won the friggen man-lottery.
That being said, a very small part of me fearfs of history repeating iself. (i.e.: issues with the ex and the skids. I haven't met them yet even though its been 8 months. We are moving slowly. Setting the right foundation first. Ensuring we are solid.)
The difference is that this man is not my ExDH. Not a day goes by in this relationship where I DON'T feel valued and loved.
Its still early days. I'm cautious. I'm informed by my experiences.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that there is NOTHING I can do to change the way a man behaves or feels about me. I can't control how he parents or how he conducts his relationship with his ex.
All I can cantrol is what I'm willing to tolerate in my life. I can set boundaries. I can clearly verbalize and describe to him the relationship I want, and he either meets that standard or he doesnt. The key is not to compromise on what you truly want your relationship to look like and be willing to walk away from it. Also, to accept the things you are willing to compromise on and not resent your partner for accepting those things.
Wish me luck.
N/A
N/A