When I met SO BM controlled his every move with the kids. She has been able to do all sorts of horrible things and the court still supported her without question and that’s the issue. Men know the courts favor the mother even with a court order in place. Contempt is a joke and there are rarely real consequences.

SO allowed her to do all sorts of stuff because she used the kids against him before the court order was in place and once it was put in place of course she maintained primary control of the children which means she maintains a certain of amount of control over him. If she decided tomorrow to run who would help us?

Court orders mean nothing, and once a determined BM figures that out, all bets are off.  Police won't enforce civil orders and courts don't enforce their own orders by making custody changes or finding someone in contempt.  So these women (and sometimes crazy men) do have a lot of control by using threats of taking the kids away, and they can accomplish it.

My SS didn't visit or speak to DH from ages 15-18, but we'd already spent over 50K on all the other violations BM did, so he just let that go and we moved on with life.  My DH was not afraid of BM, and tried to enforce the order, and all it gave us was an empty wallet and a lot of stress. 

"In Reality she can’t. If dad has a court order that’s says “this” “this” and “this” then Bio has to allow it."

I've seen plenty of stories on this site that demonstrate that this is not entirely true.  Plenty of dads have court orders that say one thing, and BM does another, or doesn't comply at all, and she gets a slap on the wrist, if that.  A lot of dads are simply facing the fact that many (not all) courts tend to be BM-centric.  

It sounds like that's not the case in your situation, though.  Has your DH ever tried standing up to her? 

Before I was dating DH, he was a pushover where BM was concerned.  He did anything she asked and thought nothing of it.  When I came along he was suddenly stuck in the middle.  For instance, BM demanded that all holidays be spent together. with the "first family," including her extended family and boyfriend.  NDC said that's fine, spend your holidays with BM and the kids, but you then won't be spending *any* days with me.  Another example:  BM called and demanded that DH (then boyfriend) come move furniture into her new apartment and pay the first months rent and security deposit.  NDC pointed out that BM had a father, two brothers and a boyfriend who could help her move and that DH had no extra money, and if he chose to help BM instead of spending time with NDC, he was welcome to do so, but would be spending no more time with NDC.   In both of those situations, DH told BM no.  And guess what?  She stopped making her unreasonable requests.  DH just needed the courage (or "encouragement") to stand up to her a couple times and find out that she was making demands because she could and because he jumped when she did.  That is of course not the case with all BMs, and some of them are truly crazy and/or determined to make the ex's life miserable, but you only find out by consistently refusing to give in to the demands.

I guess the question is, why is your husband more afraid of BM than he is of you?  You are obviously very unhappy about this and it's affecting your marriage.  So WHY does he continue to accommodate BM?   Is he really willing to give up his marriage to accede to her demands?  Or does he not really believe that his marriage is suffering because of the way he deals with BM?

Because they are cowards. Somewhere along the way these men actually start believing  that these BMs are going to do something to them or take away the kids......

I have had to deal with this shit for the last 3 years with DH and his mother....both acting like BM is the ruler of the free world. MIL actually said to DH "you are so luck that BM allows you to be a part of the girls lives, and we don't want to do anything to jeopordize that." I wanted to tell MIL to go jump off an effing bridge......she is a moron.

DH has always been a "people pleaser" which is one of the things I like/liked about him.

BM Toxic Troll, she has the history with him that I do not, she knows the buttons to push and how to "get to him", if she wants something or just wants to cause him pain. So, its usually a threat of some kind that she uses, nowadays. Before she would try to act "cute and nice", and ask him to "please can you hang this mirror I took from your home? tee hee lol?"

Now its "you dont want to lose Munchkin like you lost Feral Forger?" or something like that.

Before their divorce was final, DH then SO used to jump through hoops for Toxic Troll to "keep her nice". Well, it didnt work! When push came to shove, she got ugly (she always ugly). Before me, he moved her 3 times, and paid first months rent once. He would drop food off to her apartment "for the children!"

Just a few months ago, I about blew a gasket, when she ran out of gas a few blocks from her apartment, in the morning. She asked him to turn around on his way dropping off kiddo and going to work, and when he said "no, dont you have AAA, get someone else to help you", the effing "b" WAITED in her apartment all freaking day, so that when he got home, he had to bring her a gas can. All because he wanted "the child" to have adequate transport.

I am eagerly awaiting that time in about 5 years when he no longer has to help Toxic Troll in any way, "for the children". No child support, no car help, no nothing!!!!! In 5 years we will be FREE. Not completely of course as long as children are aive, but FREE-ER.

So, now hes not necessarily afraid so much as doing it "for the child", and to "keep things nice".

When I first met my DH he was still figuring out his relationship with his kids as a divorced dad. Because his first marriage was very traditional (BM stayed home, he was the breadwinner and they moved all over the world including England for his career) she gaslighted him into feeling as if his relationship with his 4 kids ran through her and he was a sub-par father. Not true.  DH has done a wonderful job. His 2 grown daughters, and his daughter in college call him often (if not more than their mother) and he is the go-to for advice on "adult" things like resumes, internships, interviews etc. As much as his son (age 14) to me is a waste of space DH has done what he can with the limited influence he has. BM is not as bad as some on this site, but she refuses to co-parent with him and treats him like the babysitter when it comes to SS, to the detriment of the boy. In any case, DH still has moments where he fears BM can wield power over him when it comes to PAS or whatever, but in general he strikes a balance between a loving dad and setting limits and expectations. Ironically he spends much more time with my kids than he did with his own, due to circumstance and the fact my career is on the same level as his. So in general, I think the fear many dads feel after divorce is whether their relationship with their kids is on solid footing and the perception (which is accurate in some cases) that the BM can make or break that depending on what she says.

Only if daddy has commited to maintaining his testicular fortitude and is willing to invoke zero tolerance for any crap from BM will the hard stance work.  There can be no waffling, no acceptance of anything but complete compliance to the CO from BM, dragging her to court with filing of contempt motions for any deviation, and keeping the kids, BM's family and the community fully informed of all of the facts relevent to the situation with particular focus on any crap the BM pulls.

If daddy makes this commitment and sticks to it doggedly then the NCP father can be successful against an unreasonable CP BM.

Or... a reasonable parent, either CP or NCP, can be victorious over an unreasonable one.

It worked for us in the 16+ years we lived under a CO that required my SS to have visitation with his toxic SpermClan.  Only once my bride found her spine were we able to minimize the crap the SpermClan pulled.

I think men act like this ouf of fear and guilt. They fear not being able to see their kids if they don't keep BM in their good graces and this is no way to live....to be at the mercy of someone else out of fear is not living.

BUT DH worries so much about doing EVERYTHING she wants

This would be very difficult for me to deal with. He needs to be worried about you and making sure you're happy. To have my H the man I love worried about how someone else feels instead of placing my wants & needs as a priority would be a problem. He'd have bigger issues to worry about than BM.