Would you raise your skids' kids?

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Okay, everybody, my DH and I got into a BIG fight this weekend over this very topic. I had been watching Dr. Phil's episode called "Mom Before Prom" and it was about a stepdad, biomom, and a 16 yo girl who, surprise!, got pregnant. Boyfriend is gone, but she wants to keep the baby... But she won't even get a job!

Biomom says she can't force adoption and if the girl wants to keep her baby then she will help take care of and raise it... Stepdad feels very different and does not want to raise this child and feels adoption is the best option for the baby.

My DH says he doesn't want anymore children; therefore, I am "not allowed" (so to speak) to get pregnant. (I don't have any children with him or anybody else for that matter.) BUT!!!! If his daughter were to (God forbid) come up pregnant in a few years, then he stated that he would like to help take care of and raise it. I'm sorry... I don't feel the same way he does. I don't feel that I should be held financially or otherwise responsible for his daughter's potential mistake. I've already agreed to help raise his 4 (2 of which were accidents with women he wasn't married to). I just think that him expecting me to help raise the skids' accidents wouldn't be right or fair.

He says that he could not force adoption because he could not live with himself if his grandchild were given up for adoption.... UMMMMMMMMM, excuse me? Isn't this about what's best for the baby and not how granddad would "feel?"

Soooooooooooo... How do you all feel about this? What would you do?

Sorry, but these are the

Sorry, but these are the types of conversations that people need to have. It actually sound pretty much like a double standard that he does not want to have a child with you (which I understand by the way since he has 4) YET he would raise his daughter’s kid and expect you to help. Well you need to be clear that if that scenario did happen you would not be a part of it! I mean it is no sense in getting too outraged over a hypothetical scenario but it is worth talking about and be prepared to take a position and be vocal about it and be prepared to keep your end of the bargain if that mistake did happen. Frankly I don't think these types of topics are discussed enough before kids or marriage. I love my BF and respect his role as a father but we got together under the conditions of he getting his kids EOW, now if he ever decided that he wanted joint custody or full custody that would break our deal and I would have to make a decision but I was clear from the beginning that I did not want kids but I can try to adjust to the EOW and I told him this before we moved in together that if he did want joint custody that I understand but we could not move in together. I agree with you, he already is bringing a crap load of baggage with 4 kids.

Whateva

Well, we did talk about some

Well, we did talk about some of these things before we got married, but his toddler girl getting pregnant was not one of them. Guess it didn't cross our minds at the time. She is elementary school age now and the only reason we were talking about it was because of the Dr. Phil show.

I made it VERY CLEAR to him that I didn't want kids. I never have wanted any... BUT! I want the option to change my mind in a couple of years, if that should happen. Honestly, he has been a bit wishy washy about this himself. Before we got married (literally the week before), he told me that if I changed my mind and wanted a kid that he would be cool with that. Then he tells me in this "discussion" this weekend that he doesn't want ANY more.

I guess it just felt like he would want his grandchild but not another son/daughter (by me), if that should happen. I guess my feelings got hurt.

Solution? Just as soon as his little girl shows interest in boys, I will take her to the doc for those nice little birth control shots because God knows she won't be disciplined enough to take a pill everyday.

I understand and I not

I understand and I not thinking agree that this would not have been a topic to discuss back when you got together! lol I guess I was thinking along the lines of topics like kids, skids, how they will be raised, "what if this" or "What if that" LOL I do think people sometimes are so afraid of "rocking the cradle" so to speak that certain topics are taboo.

I do agree that you need to revisit this topic again once she does start showing an interest in boys because I don't feel it being fair to have to potentially raise a skids kid. I know the premise behind marriage but I don't feel you should have to sacrifice for the sake of HIS kids!!! I can see your feeling being hurt behind such an insensitive, double standard.

Whateva

LIKE, LIKE, LIKE We are so

LIKE, LIKE, LIKE

We are so on the same wavelength...

This. This is what I said and

This.

This is what I said and exactly what has just happened.

"Great. Then you're "not allowed" to have sex with me anymore until YOU get a vasectomy".

if my skids got pg before 18,

if my skids got pg before 18, the ONLY way i would agree to helping support the baby is if skid signed over full custody rights to ME AND DH and not make us "share visitation" with bm, that would never happen though, although i fear this very thing with my oldest. She's dying for attention and mom does not "teach" her how to grow up and be a woman :sick:

My SD DID get preggers at 16.

My SD DID get preggers at 16. I really wished MTV wouldn't run those shows...

ANYway, she does not live with us and BM has forced her to work many hours to help pay her way (while BM sits back and works PT if at all and collects CS for both skids AND SD's baby)

I point-blank asked SD on Father's Day (last time we've seen or heard from her, last time we've seen the grandbaby) if we could deal with HER directly on matters pertaining to grandbaby since SHE is the mother and not BM. SD said yes. However, how can we deal with SD directly when she refuses to contact us in any way??????!?

I would LOVE to raise grandbaby because I feel like BM creates a toxic living environment as her preferred way of communication is yelling. BUT - I would only raise baby if we got full custody and/or parents signed over their rights.

However, I would NOT be willing to raise SD's baby just to keep her from having consequences for her own choices. Although I would be willing to babysit - which BM won't even do!

i know there are a few step

i know there are a few step parents on here who skids got pregnant. One is 14 right now!!! I dont know how I would feel if my sd got pregnant before she was 18, pissed for one, because we would still be paying CS to bm, I think thats kinda crappy, because even though sd would be considered a minor, she is MAKING AN ADULT DECISION by having sex, which could potentially end up in pregnancy. another stepmom on here I know IS raising her skid's kids. I think they are 2 years old and 6 months old, but thats because her sd and her bf were on drugs and neglecting the children.

No, no, no. DH and I have not

No, no, no. DH and I have not discussed this scenario specifically, but no. Not going to happen. SD treats me like crap as it is, no way I would let her dangle a baby to continue to abuse me. I could totally see her refusing to let DH see the baby if he did something she didn't like or didn't do something she wanted. No thanks. If SD gets pregnant, she's staying with BM. End of story.

Why are you still with him if

Why are you still with him if you want a child and he doesnt want it with you, even though he already has child with someone else?

Seriously? Dont tell me 'but I love him' bullshit, because he obviously doesnt love you ENOUGH.

I am sorry Demi, i am not

I am sorry Demi, i am not trying to be rude, or to attack you, or anything negative like that so accept my appologies if it sounds harsh.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!

I couldnt bear reading this post.
How can you bear looking at him, let alone his daughter? After what he did to you??
Stop making up excuses for him and his wishes. In life, you are the most important person to yourself, dont forget that. Nobody will care about you as much as you yourself will.

I am sorry but i am beyond furious at this. Once again, i am not attacking you, i just cannot fanthom the idea of this mess.

Demi- Be easy on yourself. I

Demi- Be easy on yourself. I do know how sensitive you are.

I am trying to find some

I am trying to find some words, but the fact is anything i say is useless. I am just trying to understand. There probably as you said is a lot more to the story, but nothing in the world changes the fact that he changed his mind. I do not care for his reasons. I only care that he did it.

I am sorry, i am really really angry for you.

(No subject)

:jawdrop:

double posting of jawdropping

double posting of jawdropping icon *

Actually, I don't want

Actually, I don't want children. Am I naive to think that I won't change my mind in a year or two? No... but I don't think I'm going to change my mind. My statement is just that my feelings were hurt that he doesn't want anymore children of his own (which would be with me) but he would gladly have me raise his grandkid.

hornet i understand why you

hornet
i understand why you would be hurt to hear that! BUT from one childfree woman to the next....Cheers! enjoy your life without all the additional added worries and concerns girlfriend!!!

Whateva

@ meneran WHAT did you say

@ meneran

:jawdrop: WHAT did you say to her? Wow! was that mean.

Added for clarification: "Seriously? Dont tell me 'but I love him' bullshit, because he obviously doesnt love you ENOUGH."

I wasnt being mean, i was

I wasnt being mean, i was just being objective...

I am very angry. I am very angry that that man robbed her of such life experience and she cant get it any more. I am so angry that I dont even know what more to say to that.

If you read her reply you will see what he did to her. Would you stick around such person?
Who the hell is he to do something like that to her, then claim he loves her? While he obviously had that choice with some other woman!

Its not like he never had children and never wanted. I would understand that. But he already had children, and he married her on false pretense!!!

Which in this country are

Which in this country are automatic grounds for divorce- I do believe, but she is in S. Africa.

On the sidenote, if my bf

On the sidenote, if my bf told me im not allowed to get pregnant (and in the meantime casually informs me we would take care of his grandkids), i would flat out leave him.

I agree with the whole MTV

I agree with the whole MTV thing; it makes it look "COOL" in a sick sort of way for these kids......It's not realistic! It's much worse. My SD13 almost 14 has been grounded for a month for sneaking out Again to meet her BF! I am so nervous and I sooooooooooooo do not want to be raising anyone elses child. This is my biggest fear with her starting high school next year. I hope I can get her on the pill!!

I do not like the whole - you're not allowed - thing!!

Thanks for all the replies.

Thanks for all the replies. My DH never actually said "you're not allowed" but it was implied. He has been very clear with me though that he doesn't want any more children.

No, at this point, I don't want any either so, meneran, I don't feel "robbed." I understand and respect that he feels that way already having 4. With the last two, the first biomom said that she "couldn't" get preg due to a medical reason. The biomom of the latter stated that she had a history of being off the pill and never got preg... but she just wanted to make sure that DH was going to marry her so she made SURE that she got preg.

However, do I feel jealous that 3 women total have had his children and I won't have the opportunity because he has had his quota? ABSOLUTELY! That's only human nature. It's hard sometimes to deal with the fact that my DH spread his seed with so many women. But let's face it, these women share in the responsibility because they are both classic cases of lying, manipulative women who trap men with pregnancies. But let's face it... he was pretty stupid too.

I am just curious to when you

I am just curious to when you say -at this point I dont want any either- .. is that trying to tell yourself you dont want them now, just to stop the issue arising? Or is it what you really feel deep down?

Do you view it as paying for all those women's mistakes? They have children now, you dont.. and with him, you probably never will. And one day down the line, you might wake up and really want a child. Maybe it will be too late. What then?

Once again, im not attacking nor anything like that. I am just trying to understand.

I don't think you're being

I don't think you're being mean at all... I think your points are very valid.

I can honestly say that I am in my 30's and I have never wanted children. I was married before (in my early 20's), was married for about 3 1/2 years before it was all over with and I was VERY CAREFUL with birth control because I didn't want any kids then either. And here we are... several years later, and I still don't want any.

I can tell you that some women in my situation would get preg on purpose as some kind of revenge against the other 3 women who already have his kids. Kind of like, "Hey, look at me! I can spread my legs without birth control too!" Quite honestly, I think to some degree, that is how the last one happened. I firmly believe that the last one was entrapment, for one thing, and revenge against the biomom of the third kid because believe me... she WILL throw it in your face that she has a kid with my now DH and you don't.

Yes, it (dare I say) hurts that not 1 but 3 women got to experience having a child with my now DH... but I'm not going to just go and have a kid so that I can "feel better." It wouldn't be fair to the kid.

This may sound snobbish but

This may sound snobbish but it is my true feelings and tell me if you or anyone can "relate."

I personally did not want to be a mother with my husband because he already has a "BM- Baby Mama" here in this town. It just felt funny to me. This is ONLY me though and it is just the way I am.

But Butterfly... you already

But Butterfly... you already have a child of your own. That changes perspective a little bit. I am mostly talking about women who dont have biological children. Thats a whole other story though.

Honestly? Even if I did not,

Honestly? Even if I did not, it would still bother me personally.

It just feels odd to me is all. I understand the whole biological clock thing though. I will be turning 40 years old and went through some of these feelings. I made my final choice though.

Butterflykisses... I know

Butterflykisses... I know what you mean. Why would I want to be "baby moma number 4?" Honestly, I think it would look like I get preg on purpose... again, as some revenge to the others.

Here's my thing... The last two women he married out of obligation... another human life... not to stay that he didn't care about the moma's... but let's face it... would he have married both of those women if not for the pregnancies? Begs the question.

On the flip side... I KNOW that he married ME for LOVE! I didn't have to trap him... he loved ME! He agreed to marry me for all the right reasons... not because, as he says the story went, "Well, you're pregnant and now, I will try to do the right thing."

Exactly. Unlike the BM in

Exactly. Unlike the BM in this picture, I did not have to trap my husband with a baby. I'm just good in bed. JK JK JK JK

Butterflykisses... OH!

Butterflykisses... OH! LOL!!!!! That's awesome! I am soooooooooooooooooooo using that in my next argument.

By all means.....

}:)

Butterfly My sentiments

Butterfly
My sentiments exactly! LOL
I am with my BF and he is with me out of WANT not obligation to a child or legalities of marriage. I am not opposed to marriage however just like Kids, I don't think it is everything like most women!!!

Whateva

WOW I only read a few posts

WOW I only read a few posts but I can't imagine my dh or any else thinking that selfishly. When dh and I got married we both agreed that we didn't want any more kids and he took care of that. Then sine we both agreed to not have any more kids when this subject came up we both agreed that since 2we agreed no more kids then no we wouldn't raise a grad child either just b./c one of our kids was being stupid. They are responsible, we will help them get on their feet and to be independent but not raise their child. But I have to say that my dd (the only girl) will take care of her kid if she never had one b/c when she did the fake baby in school she refused to let anyone help her and she did a great job. I even offered to help get things out of the car and she said "no I want to do this on my own" go dd!!!

Only if we adopted it and

Only if we adopted it and kept or kid and his wombdonor out of the parenting picture completely. Other than that, the Skid and his GF would be on their own.

Not a snowballs chance in

Not a snowballs chance in hell would I raise spawn of SD.No way.Let her mother handle her mistakes.Baby can come visit but we will not be raising it.DH agrees with this even though he says 'sd would NEVER be stupid enough to get pregnant at a young age!' I snorted milk up my nose laughing at the denial.

My wife had SS when she was

My wife had SS when she was 16 and she wants to smack the snot out of the 16 & Pregnant girls mostly about their pie in the sky googly eyed infatuation with their baby daddies. Very few of these kids if any will be with their baby daddy in a year.

She also wants them to know that even after having a child at 16 they can go on to be viable adults and graduate degreed professionals. So far, only of the girls loolike she has a chance. Macy I think her name is.

Grrrrr!!! rather than doing these kids a favor MTV is giving them over inflated opinions of themselves.

IMHO of course.

You know, as much as I am

You know, as much as I am growing to HATE SD24, if we could get her kids, legally, with no visitation EVER by her or BM, I would take them. If we could keep skank SD and skank BM and the whole skank crew out of their lives, it would at least give them a chance at something. But, as I said, it would have to be something drastic, permanent, and all signed off on nice and legal like.

I've told my own child that I would only raise her kids if something tragic happened to her and her husband (God forbid!). I raised my child already, and do not relish the thought of doing it again, but if I have to, I have to.

Call me a freak. I would

Call me a freak. I would want to raise my skids kids if there was no other option. DH would say no and it would break my heart....but that's just me.

I can't believe he is SO SELFISH that he doesn't want you to have your own baby if you WANT to!!! Damn girl! That is one of the most awesome things I've ever done....I love my babies SOOOO much and they are my best friends!!!
(dd19, dd18) (i even love sd21, tho she is a pain in my ass)

Now Im just pissed at your DH. Please do something mean to his toothbrush for me...at least cough on it LOL!

And the worst thing is...this fight was about a "Hypothetical situation!!!"

Would I kick them out? No.

Would they be doing all the childcare and getting a part time job to fund their mistake? Hell. Yes.

Becuase I don't believe in handouts. I believe actions have consequences. And while they can live with me. Their consequence for their action is they now have a baby. And babies are WORK. Plus they'll have to take care of childcare fees too.... Because their kid!

I have already discussed this

I have already discussed this with my husband and made sure we're both on the same page. Neither of us are okay with raising grandkids - step or not. We are both happy to be fun grandparents who take the grandkids for a week here and there so the parents can go on vacation/get some time together, offer to help pay for big gifts for them, etc. but we are not okay with "raising" them in any way ie. financial support on a regular basis, taking care of them while parents go to work, etc.

Boundaries. Once your kids are grown, it's time for them to act like it.

Exactly sunshinex. Having a

Exactly sunshinex. Having a kid means stepping it up and being a parent. There’s a difference between being a grandparent and helping out some and being the parent.

Yep. I had my son at 23 years

Yep. I had my son at 23 years old, which may not seem young, but it's an age I see a lot of parents handing off their kids every weekend. I haven't asked my parents for a single dollar or minute of their time to help me raise him. I really don't understand how you end up with a child when you know you're not ready to raise it. I mean, let's be real... There are so many options. Birth control, adoption, abortion, etc.

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Would you raise your skids' kids?