You are here

  • Home
  • Forums
  • How about a forum specifically for step parents without biological children of their own?

How about a forum specifically for step parents without biological children of their own?

Flutterby's picture

Submitted by Flutterby on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 9:21am

While everybody's situation is different, I find it more useful to read other members comments who do not have biological children (for whatever reason). There doesn't seem to be may websites that are specific to non bio parents. I guess all parents, be it bio or not, are flying blindly to some extent, but myself as a non bio step parent, sometimes feel I am just that one step further away from the goal square.
Thanks Smile

apete's picture

Submitted by apete on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 9:55am

I like the idea. Although I know those with bio children have good advice to offer, I think the trials that non-bios face can be massively different. And there are some of us who will never have bio children...

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 10:02am

I am a SM who will never have bios, but I really like having the combination here. I like hearing the BM-side of things in step-situations. It gives me a better understanding of what our BM may be feeling about things, or why our BM may deal with situations the way she does. I like being able to kind of see the whole picture & see where everybody's coming from in a step situation.

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 10:14am

Sign me up! Step parents without bios have a very unique situation which is very different from those with their own children.

Some of us never wanted children, some of us desperately wanted children but couldn't have them. Either way, we are living a life without our own children and helping to raise someone elses. Its joining a family that's already been created, without having one of our own, and trying to find a place there where we're of equal importance. Its tough. We think to ourselves: "Who is the most important person in our life? The answer is our spouse, but we know if our husbands asked themselves that question, the answer would be his kid(s). Its being second and learning to accept it. If the relationship fails, we're on our own, our spouse always has his kids.

I'm going to bookmark this blog so that I know which of us have no bios of our own.

That being said, there are some posters on this site that do have bios of their own whom I think are just exceptional and for that, I wouldn't leave step talk.

Flutterby's picture

Submitted by Flutterby on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 10:33am

You have so got it in ONE!

I have a 14 yoSD, an exceptionally wonderful BF and very minimal baggage as far the BM is concerned. I consider myself very lucky. Sometimes, I feel frustrated, caught in the middle and trying to find my place. While my BF is very approachable and easy to talk to, sometimes, he is not the best person to talk to about what I am feeling. I have no bio kids because it's the way things have panned out, I don't regret it one way or the other.
Most of my friends have younger kids and are not in a step situation, so they don't really understand the situation.
Thus = new forum on steptalk!....
Thanks.

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 10:53am

I have minimal BM baggage and I have a really wonderful relationship with SD10, however its still a struggle. No one other than the people here "get it". I'm glad you started this post Flutterby.

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 4:35pm

No bios for me either, but I think what really makes my relationship work is that DH knows (and shows) that I am the most important person in his life - not his daughter. He also has very firm boundaries and understands that the love for your spouse should come before the love for your kids - it's a different kind of love. We fulfill each other, body, mind, and soul. He is proud of his daughter, and loves her, but he will be proudest when she is a successful adult in her own right.

I'm here because I have issues with BM and her attitudes toward all sorts of things. Her piss-poor decisions affect MY life, even if it's not to the same degree at the other people here.

Flutterby's picture

Submitted by Flutterby on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 5:38pm

Trish, that is fantastic!! Obviously you have embraced the stepmom thing and it's good that your DH is aware that you both have his daughters best interests at heart. It does make a big difference!!!
You are also right in saying that BM affects your life. My BM is the Disneyland mum, clearly feeling guilty that she has chosen for her daughter not to live with her. To be honest, BM and I get on well when there's a need to communicate. I feel resentful towards her at times because she has chosen her new man over her daughter and I am left to pick up the slack. Oh well, her loss, not mine Smile

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 6:45pm

Oh wow, I didn't mean to sound all perfect and stuff!!

Let me set you straight - we're VERY NCP - in the 5 summers DH and I have been together (he's suppossed to get her for 6 weeks each summer) I've seen SD14 barely 9 weeks - not the 30 DH is entitled to. ('06 and '09 he was deployed, '07, '09, and '10 I was deployed, we had her for 6 weeks in '08 and it was stressful)

While I wouldn't want BM as a parent and I think she is controlling to the point of stunting SD14's maturity, I have to admit that she has raised a smart, (how?) respectful, teenager. We're not sure if she's hard-working or financially smart yet, but those are things we're very comfortable teaching, given our jobs. (both military, 10 years for me, almost 20 for DH) She gets As and Bs and is the band Drum Major, as well as being very creative and thoughtful, so she's an easy kid to love.

SD14 has quite a bit of distance hero-worship for both of us, so she's more likely to listen to us. We also have the cash to do the fun stuff, but we try to be as normal as possible, which is tough when half of the visitation we do squeeze in is at MIL's house.

At this point, we're actively planning to take her in once BM kicks her out after CS ends. But again, this is where DH's character shines through - he knows he and I are 'forever' and agrees completely with my 'tough love' rules for college-age kids. (they're the ones I wish my parents had instituted, rather than letting me leech off them for 5 years; I had to pull myself up on my own before I valued anything) We're self-made with little to no education between us - I got my Bachelor's degree at 34, and DH is just finishing his Associate's at 38. We don't see any harm in booting a lazy young adult out on her own.

I feel resentful of BM because she treats SD like an unpaid servant. She dictates SD's haircut (at nearly 15!) and clothes. (like, pushing her into skimpier clothes than SD prefers) She lives at the bare edge of her income, and DH and I sweat every time she gets on the phone, because we don't know which time she'll decide to blow up and demand more CS. It'd be fine if she were using it to buy SD clothes that aren't from a thrift store, but it's going to her convertible payment instead.

So yeah, we're Disney parents. But darnit, we're willing to try, and will have an open door when SD wants to come live with us.

Whateva's picture

Submitted by Whateva on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 10:10pm

Count me in Earthshaker !!!

i actually belong to some childless by choice websites but they are not helpful when it comes to step parenting in my childfree world....it would be nice however to have a forum such as this however there are a select few on this site that give good advice to some of us that are non bio parents.

Whateva

tofurkey's picture

Submitted by tofurkey on Thu, 10/14/2010 - 8:20pm

If I wasn't soooo deathly afraid of flying i'd so be there lol!

While I do think that non bio SM's have some different issues from SM's who have bio's, I do still enjoy reading the posts from all different situations on here.

I do find it hard though when I think about DH already having a kid with someone else. WE are waiting until we are ready, financially, phsyically, emotionally before we have a child together. It just kind of sucks to know that we are waiting to start a family together, and he has a kid with another woman....I think it makes the situation that much more difficult and upsetting.

Tryingtobeoptimistic's picture

Submitted by Tryingtobeoptimistic on Sun, 11/11/2012 - 2:39pm

So this thread is here to suggest forums; was an actual 'Forum for people with no bio kids of their own' set up ? Or is it just this? I want to rant with the folks who chose not to have kids themselves, like I did, and then have to deal with seriously whiny stepkids and worse their unstable mother who encourages them in their whining and horrendous eating (they won't eat anything other than crap food). I'm generally a very nice person I promise, just need to let loose every now and then with a rant Smile and get some advice from people in similar circumstances :?