asking advice, SO is about to re-do his and BM's agreement.
my SO moved 2k miles away from his daughter and BM about 4 yrs. ago. Him and i now live in CA and the kid lives in Indiana. Him and BM have joint cusotdy, but in Indiana the law states that who ever the child lives with more, is a custodial parent and therefore has more rights? or something.... (i have never been married so the whole legal stuff is a bit complicating to me).
Basically SO has not touched his agreement since him and BM were divorced, about 6 yrs. ago. He is finally getting the guts up to re-due it.
what he wants out of the new agreement is for BM to pay for some of the costs of FSD's travels to and from CA. she is 10 yrs. old, and legally can fly alone, but BM does not feel comfortable with this yet so my BF/SO flies the kid here and back (paying for all the round trip flights. Plus, when the kid is out here at our place for a month in the summer SO still pays BM child support, as he has to by law).
BM is claiming that she does NOT think the courts will make her pay any money for the cost of travels (even though SO moved to CA for a job 4 years ago, he was out of work for over a year). BM also does not think the courts will ask her if not to pay for some of the flights, but to possibly fly the child one way. And/or pay for some of the cost of summer camp and stuff when the child is out with us.
Do you all think we are crazy for trying to re-do the agreement and asking for the ex to do some of the flying; and/or let the child fly alone; and/or pay for some of the travel costs?
Also, side note: When SO was still in Indiana and was out of work he racked up back child support, which he has been paying off (in addition to current CS) ontime for the past 4 years. would the courts comepletely dismiss SO's reuqest to re-do th eagreement and request for BM to pay some money for travels b/c he still owes back support?
Thanks for any advice you can give us!!!!
the judges might order her to
the judges might order her to pay some of the flight cost, but since he created the distance, they might not. Does your dh have a lawyer? or maybe he can atleast get a free consultation?
No, he doesn't have a lawyer
No, he doesn't have a lawyer yet, but has talked with a few on the phone. I guess he is trying to go as far through the process as he can with out one (until he def. needs one). But he is definitely going to get as much free advice as possible.
there are also other aspects that he wants to touch on in the new agreement, that don't have to do with money (such as schedule phoen calls, set visitation schedule,etc.)
Maybe you can find out the
Maybe you can find out the family court standards for whereever you will be modifying, ie there must be FAQs about some of these things. Also you can have the airlines escort the child, that costs more but would save SO from making the trips.
Sorry, but bm might be right.
Sorry, but bm might be right. Since he moved more than likely he is responsible for paying travel costs. They might get her to pay half, but I doubt it since he moved. Whether it was for work or not, doesn't matter. As far as paying cs in the summer- the way it works is the state figures out thru their formula how much cs he owes her. Then they divide that by 12 months a year and that's what he pays. Sure, he could not pay for the month he has his kid, but then his cs would be divided by 11 instead making the monthly payment go up. Also, Whoever has possession of the child is responsible for the child's needs and expenses while the child is in their care. So, when he has his kid, then he will be responsible for summer camp or whatever his kid needs. On all those issues I think bm has the upperhand. As far as rewriting the agreement because of his distance then I think that needs to be done so that a schedule and other things can be decided. Has your so talked to Indiana attorneys? What have they said?
SO said he has talked to some
SO said he has talked to some attorny's in Indiana (friend's divorce lawyers, etc). and they seemed to think that the mom would either have to pay some money for travel, or let the daughter fly solo (under airline supervision) or fly her one way (they thought at least one of the three). BUT, like i said, i was not there for those conversations.. not that he's lying but not sure if the lawyer was just trying to get SO to hire them (selling point). But i definitely agree about getting a set visiation schedule down, now that he moved and some sort of guidelines about phone calls b/c as of right nwo SO has to call BM's cell or the house phone (which has no long distance service) and its really hard to get ahold of his kid. some times it goes 4-5 days without him talking to her, which is not really fare i think.
thansk for the adivce!
My DH and I had a similar
My DH and I had a similar situation. We moved 600 miles away from his kids for jobs. Other issues were occurring at the time with his SD that prompted the court action, but basically it will be all in what the SO and BM can work out before it goes in front of a judge. The district my DH's Custody agreement is in for his D is in a heavily populated area so they had to work between lawyers and a conciliator. If his district isn't that large, it very well may go in front of a judge directly. He will definitely need to talk to a lawyer, specifically one that is there in Indiana because they know the state laws and all of that.
My DH wound up settling for 3 weeks in the summer (2 combined, 1 separate) and then the week between Christmas and New Years and Spring Break. If we were back in the area where his kids were, with advanced notice, he could pick her up and do something but most communication was telephonic and the occasional Skype session. As far as the travel, they agreed to drive and meet halfway.
Your SO and the BM may need to come to an agreement, such as splitting the cost of sending her or taking turns on footing the bill (i.e. I pay this visitation's round trip, you pay next visitation's round trip) or something like that. If you have all of this documented in the court order and she doesn't comply, after a few occurrences, he should take her back for contempt.
Another suggestion is for him to go back and visit with her for a little bit of time rather than fly the kid everywhere...will probably cost the same but at least there's no worries about losing the kid on the flights.
Let us know what happens...
pastepmomof3: thanks for the
pastepmomof3:
thanks for the info.
my SO did do all the visits where his D lives up until about a year ago (b/c she is getting older and can do longer visits now). the only thing that sucks about when SO visits the D where she lives is that they have to stay at a hotel, rent a car and all meals are going out so... soemtimes its almsot as expensive for one weekend there as her coming out here for a whole week. But he still does a couple of these visits through out the year just so they don't have to go so long btwn. visits. And i think he will continue to do that even if BM has to pay for some of the flying costs of D when she comes to our home.
There's no harm in trying,
There's no harm in trying, you might be pleasantly suprised. Especially if you BF/SO's new job were to provide for a better lifestlye for the kid. I've heard a story of a BM moving child 1500 kilometres away and the father had to pay for all flights for visits etc even though it was the BM's choice to move away!
Good luck!
thanks all for the
thanks all for the advice/info (again).
we are not trying to screw BM out of money. And yes, we understand that although SO did move for a job, it was his choice. However, it just feels like BM is not willing to budge on anything (unless we go to court). (ex: not letting her fly aloNE or even entertaining the idea, not willing to fly her one way, and not willing to help cover any costs of travels). We do understand that a judge could completely rule in her favor, but at least we tried and the visitation schedule and so forth will get worked out. SO's job does (IMO) provide a better life for FSD. he pays all her medical and dental, and of course now he can afford more CS then when he was back in Indiana, but the cost of living for indiana hasn't increased as much, so i think that might work in our favor.
And if the courts do require BM to pay some money for travels or let SD fly alone.... then we will be able to do more with SD when she's here b/c we will have a little $$ to play with.
It just stinks b/c the camp we had to sent her to this summer (the only oen we could afford), was not soemthing we would want her to go back to. the counselors barely did anything with the kids, they never stuck to the schedule and cut field trips short, and didnt' even look at ID's when we signed SD out of camp. So, thats an example of how being able to afford a little more when SD is at our home would directly benefit her.
Tough one-I think she's in
Tough one-I think she's in the right that she wouldn't be required to pay-especially if he chose to move. Now-if she wanted to be nice, well that's a different story.
As to her flyign one way-I work for an airline-and in most cases a one way trip-and possibly back the same day or next day are incredibly expensive.
Personally I think I'd go with the fly solo option and have him pay the ticket and unacommpanied minor fee.
Is the flight she would take non-stop or connecting? That would make a difference in the moms comfort level. If she's been on several trips already she should be comfortable enough to fly alone. My kids have been on quite a few plane rides-and this summer I let them fly on their own for the first time to visit with my brother and their cousins. They were 9 and almost 11. They did fine-they LOVED it, they were so proud of themselves-boasted to everyone about how grown up they were. The flight attendants took great care of them-were very strict w/the paperwork-YES I was nervous but they did fine and I was proud of them. Problem is you always hear "bad " stories- the one kid who misconnected ....people don't tell of the countless times kids have great experiences traveling alone-or about the good attendants that watch over them. It's very common now w/divorce-parents living apart.
I think since he has moved it's possible for him to revisit modification and draft another agreement suitable to your situation. But don't think csupport will go down. Dont' expect anything really. A judge may just encourage the mom to have the girl fly alone but not force it.