Does ANYONE have experience with this or advice?????
Hi,
So my Boyfriend and i live together and his 10 yr. old daughter comes to visit on vacations, summers, etc. She lives pretty far away, so the visits are not that often.
She has been at our place for the past week. BF took off work obviously to take care of her, and i have had to work, besides the weekends. what i am baffled by is that it seems like its pulling teeth or pushing him to actually interact with his daughter. sure they have "talks" and so forth. but most of the time has been spent in the house, her playing on her computer and him either watching tv or on his computer. to an extent i understand it, its vacation and everyone is relaxing and having sum down time. but yesterday i was at work and she was on messenger and i asked what "daddy was doing?" and she said playing his new playstation game. i almost jumped thru the computer and ripped his head off! his child is only here for a few weeks a year! plus, he will have tons of free time when she leaves to do that stuff. and she leaves in 1 day! the previous days were taken up by seeing friends and doing holiday stuff. but pretty much he hasn't played a board game with her or done anything where they are actually itneracting. am i wrong to think he is being kind of lame? then he blames it on it being crappy weather outside or not having enough money to go out and do stuff, or that he is not creative and doesnt' do the arts and crafts that i do with her.to me thats just excuses. am i crazy?
i guess i get mad b/c i feel
i guess i get mad b/c i feel like i am caught in the middle b/c i DO do activities with her, when i have the time. when we go to the playground i am the one climbing on the jungle gym or going down the slide and he's standing on the side playing on his freakin iphone. and i kind of get resentful b/c i am the freakin step parent, not the nanny. and why can't he do these things too? of course i don't want her to think i dont want to hang out with her so i say yes to playing games and such with her. i also get worried b/c if we have a kid together one day.. am i going to be the only oen playing with them? of course i am trying to make the best of the time that she's here and not start any arguements.... but.. its hard. like get off ur freakin ass and spend time with ur kid!
and FYI, he was disneyland dad till i came in the picuture and encouraged him to have a room for her at his palce and all that. so i guess its an improvement on his part. so i am thankful for that.
I agree with the others. This
I agree with the others. This is how I have been able to get everyone off the games, I schedule things for us to do. Like going to the lights of the ozarks, or making cookies, or doing our gingerbread houses. I even have had a wrapping contest. Or I just start a paper fight or pillow fight. I have been known to do it while they are all playing on their games. LOL.
My H is/was the same...mainly
My H is/was the same...mainly with his daughter. Him and his son get along fabulously. Him and SD are not talking right now (she won't say why either).
Just like any parenting, the easy way is not necessarily the best way.
Oh yeah, SD was pregnant at 16 as well. I have read that teen girls who get pregnant a lot of times don't have a good relationship with their father...
Ha ha, you want him to do
Ha ha, you want him to do crafts with her? Ha ha hahaha! Really?
Sounds like something my girls dad would do. He was addicted to Nintendo back then and watched ESPN non stop and like the kids just did whatever while hes in the bedroom on the computer working or otherwise disengaging.
It's fine. Let him be himself and deal with the relationship with his daughter. You can encourage activities and that's great, but don't just hate him because he doesn't think to get out the glitter and glue everything, it's just not a guy thing to do. He'll probably play ball with her if you give him an indoor ball. Both of my girls are good at playing ball because that's the only thing he'll do with them.
It's all going to be okay
of course i don't expect him
of course i don't expect him to do to arts and crafts with her, i am not an idiot. (however, my father did that stuff with me, and NO he's not gay.). i was just saying he uses that as an excuse (liek arts adn crafts is the only thing you can do with girls). i bought a besketball, soccer ball and frisbee.... obviously for them to use together.... they have NEVER been touched in 2 years! i don't hate him for his issues with his kid, but it seriously makes me think twice about having kids with him. sorry, but i am a modern female, that DOES NOT believe all the girl stuff should be left to mom's and step mom's. i am NOT asking him to go prom dress shopping with her.. just get the kid out of the house or doing something that isnt' anti-social or stagnant. and the funny thing is he complains about BM and step dad NOT doing any activities with her. and then the kid comes to our house.. and he's NOT doing anythign with her.
It is hard for dads with
It is hard for dads with girls when they get older. DH acts and talks weird when he talkd to SD13 - Not like with the other kids; like he doesn't know what to say or do - it's kind of weird. Like he's not himself; after SD moved in full time it got a little better - and it has been eight months.......
I think blaming on she's a
I think blaming on she's a girl is lame. My DH has TWIN boys and does nothing but play golf w/his friends and/or watch sports on TV 24/7/365. Doing anything but those two things makes him extremely irritable & unpleasant to be around. I think the guy is not a good parent by playing video games in his own space while his child is visiting. And vice versa!
I agree with the others who
I agree with the others who said that this is par for the course. My SS's BioDad rarely leaves his room to take a break from World of WarCrack to spend time with my SS while he in SpermLand on visitation. The younger three also out-of-wedlock SpermIdiot spawn spend very little active time with BioDad even when they are his house.
My wife and I have always made it a point to do things together with SS fairly regularly on the weekends and occasionally on weekday evenings. Depending on where were were living we have done regular weekend fossil hunting (San Gabrial river G-Town TX), canoes on Town Lake (Austin TX, the beach (Cape May NJ and Rehoboth DE), hiking in the Pokonos (PA), Camping at Lake Travis (TX), Camping in Big Bend NP (TX), bashing through sno drifts with the 4X4 SUV (winter in PA/NJ/DE) hiking and touring in OR (when visiting my ILs), board games occasionally in the evenings (I hate this one but I do it because my wife and Skid enjoy it), etc...........
A month or so ago when we were frustrated with SS for being totally un-engaged in his life we asked SS what he enjoyed doing, whether or not he felt he was a happy person and what his fondest memories were. After some thought he said "I am kind of in the middle as far as being happy and my fondest memories are of stuff we do as a family. That is what I like doing".
That damned kid put a lump in my throat with that one.
I recommend that if BioDad will not do special things with his daughter when she is there, that you lead the special stuff in the evenings and on the weekends during visitation. This also works when the Skids are at BMs. Do stuff with DH on the weekends. B&Bs, art galleries, drives to the beach, etc...... Get in the habit of doing stuff on the weekends and you will continue to do stuff when the Skid is there. She will remember.
Have fun. The Skid will enjoy it and even if she is being a PITA, she will remember that you and her dad did stuff with her.
true true! thanks for the
true true! thanks for the tips!
Seems completely "normal"
Seems completely "normal" under the circumstances to me. My DH sees his SD5 several times a week yet he still does nothing with her. I'm the one that colors with her and takes her to the playground and stuff like that. When she's over at the house, she usually just sits near where he is sitting... he is usually watching tv or working on his computer (he does a lot of work from home.) She will get out some of her toys and quietly play in the same room or go into another room so that she can watch her shows.
What's going on in your situation may be due in part to the fact that they live so far apart, but then again... I just don't think guys have a lot in common with their little girls. However, when I was young, my dad and I played basketball together all the time. If she is not into sports then I see things continuing just as they are...
You could encourage a family board game or something like that, but don't get too upset if you don't get a positive reaction. My SS9 has asked me to play his games with him and I'm sorry, but I just can't do it. I can't play stupid boy video games. Sorry.
actaully since i said
actaully since i said something to him, although i didn't get a positive response from him (DH), the next day they took it upon themselves to go out to the park and walk around, then said they played monopoly at home. So, i guess he IS listening.. haha. again, thanks for all the advice and letting me know i am not alone in the situation.
LOL!!! DH had full custody
LOL!!! DH had full custody of his kids after BM took off to Lord knows where with whomever would have her. He pretty much avoided his children while they were in the same house with him. Thus, they did as they pleased, whenever they pleased. They turned into totally irresponsible adults who expect everyone to hand them everything. His parenting skills were "zero". When I came into the picture he thought I could be the "mom" and everything would just fall into place and be picture perfect. WRONG!!!!! They were adults, I had already raised mine and could see that his were beyond repair. I tried, I really tried. I finally just disengaged. Even now, when he sees his kids, he's sitting in a chair with his arms folded across his chest, watching TV. Or, he will meet them in a restaurant, and not talk to them at all while his grand-demons are tearing up the place. He considers this family time!!!! I won't even be seen with them anymore! I think it pisses him off that my grown kids, their friends and families, and I can get together and have FUN doing absolutely nothing. That's what he wants, he just doesn't know how to achieve it.
What I'm saying is, if you BF is like this now, just fast forward a few years and take a good long look before you jump into the relationship.
Isn't that sad? I wish there
Isn't that sad? I wish there was some middle ground. XBF always makes it- what was it someone said on here once- a 24/7 three ring circus of entertainment every time his darlings were over. Exhausting and expensive and they just take it all for granted.
BF: What shall we do this weekend, girls?
SDs Oh, the ski is the limit! Entertain us,Daddykins! Buy us everything! Take us to movies! We want to eat at this restaurant! You should do this, you should do that. We love you daddykins!
And he does just what they want!
Now they are entitled bitches.
Where is the middle ground for these guys? Nice job, Rags, for keeping it real for yours!
what i don't understand.. is
what i don't understand.. is that it seems liekeALOT of poeple on here disagree with their SO's parenting. I mean, you really make these guys (and some woman) out to be total jerks and lame parents. why are you with them? isnt' how someone parents a huge part of who they are? or is it that everyone just wants to bitch about their lives and not do anything about it? i mean really, i would like to understand.
i know everyone has their flaws and their past. but... god damn. i don't know if i could share my life with someone who i pretty much cant' stand their kids and dread whenever they coem to my house and disagree with their parenting style. i am sure i sound naive
Why not buy a fun age
Why not buy a fun age appropriate board game and the three of you play together!
since she is not there a lot
since she is not there a lot he probably doesn't know "how" to spend quality time with her. i know my niece is now 8 and because my brother has been gone a lot mostly military duty, or now truck driving, he really doesn't know how to spend time with my neice or really get to "know" her