Bio Mom telling 4yo about court issues?
I am the step mom of a 4 yo girl. My husband and his ex are going through court and just finished what they can get done in mediation. We have my SD full time and she has been coming back from her visits with something new to say every time. For example she came back saying this last time about how her dad and mom are fighting about how much she gets to see her mom and about me being involved. We take great care not to talk about these things when she is around and when asked why she would say they were fighting she said her mommy told her that "daddy is fighting mommy". This isn't the first time she has come back with these things. Is there something we can do about her venting about mediation and court to her? She's only 4 so she doesn't exactly understand all that's going on but even if she did, I feel it's inappropriate to be telling the child about the disputes between the parents. Thoughts?
We are still going through
We are still going through court to get the agreement put together. So we technically don't have a parenting plan to follow right now. I figured we could keep track of what she is saying writing down dates and what was said. I'm just hoping that we can prove it and it wont get dismissed.
I am a proponant of sharing
I am a proponant of sharing the facts with the kids in an age appropriate manner. However, 4yo is too young to be introduced to the facts of the CO, court, parental behaviors, etc.....
As the CP houshold you and DH have a lot of control and influence over the time BM gets with the kid. First ... lock BM down to exactly what the CO stipulates and do not allow her to deviate at all. "No" and the CO are your most powerful tools as far as managing a toxic blended family opposition is concerned. Use them.
Spin up your killer shark go for blood lawyer and map out your strategy for nailing BM's ass to the wall. Record the BM's comments, the Skid's comments about what BM is doing and saying, and serve BM's toxic petty ass to the courts on a platter.
Tolerate no crap. As the Skid gets older then introduce her to the complete facts of the situation including her BM's toxic manipulations, etc....
For now... it is too early to share this stuff with SD but it is never too early to nail BM's ass to the wall.
We're going through court
We're going through court right now to get a CO in place. And once it is in place, we have every intention of following it verbatim. The issue right now is that she is trying to claim we are keeping her from seeing her, even when we give extra time or offer weekday visits. It's been very stressful and difficult to keep giving her time to show we aren't keeping her from her child and then turn around and have her sabotage SD relationship with her dad.
This is exactly why a CO
This is exactly why a CO needs to be followed to the letter. The party that knows the CO, lives the CO, loves the CO, and manages the CO the best maintains the advantage. Paying more money than what is ordered as far as CS is concerned, granting more time than is ordered in the CO, being overly flexible and accomodating of schedule changes from the opposition can all result in a painful bite in court if not carefully managed.
It is difficult to maintain one's diligence on this in the face of whinning and crying kids, a constantly pushy X, and whinning and manipulative extended family members in the opposition or on one's own side of the fence.
Giving an inch far too often results in the opposition taking a mile.
Keep a diary. Write down all
Keep a diary. Write down all visits, all offers of visits or extra time.
Also write down anything SD says after her visits.
I'm with Rags and think that kids should know basically what's going on, age appropriate.
Because BM is telling her things, I think you need to balance what SD is hearing with something positive and make sure she knows none of this is her fault or within her control.
This is my 2 cents worth.
When SD brings up what BM says or says something that you know came from BM, tell her that this an issue for the adults to deal with and fix. Tell her that everyone loves her and that they all just want to make sure she gets to spend time with everyone. That you, DH and BM will work it all out and SD doesn't need to worry about any of it.
If it gets thrown out that you SM shouldn't be involved tell her that you are just another person who loves her and wants the best for her.
BM pulled this. She tried to
BM pulled this. She tried to convince SS that DH was keeping SS from her as if he was a big bad wolf. Four year olds have manipulative imaginations so DH decided to tell SS the kid version of the truth. He told him something like: when a mom and dad decide to live in different houses, they have to share their kid. Their is a boss of all families called a judge and he makes rules for the mom and dad just like you have to follow the rules-so do grown ups. The judge writes all the rules down so the mom and dad know when the kid gets to stay with mom or with dad. We all follow the rules: Moms, Dads, and kids until the kids are grown ups.
I don't know how it is in your household but we are really big on following the rules. He's five so although he might throw a tantrum or have a bad day now and then, he does well with boundaries and understands black and white. After DH explained it to him on his level he stopped asking about staying home from his mom's or why he can't stay with her longer. Now if he asks about a cousin's party we tell him: "it's on Saturday" then he usually says "oh yeah I got to go to my mom's because that's the rules" and that's the end of it. You can't control what BM tells her on her time but you can always fight manipulations with age appropriate truths. He should probably ask his lawyer to bring it up in front of a judge so it can be addressed.
Please have your lawyer write
Please have your lawyer write a very STRONG worded letter to stop using the child as her own personal mental health provider. If it happens again, your lawyer should seek modification for sup visits...maybe then she will learn to control herself in front of a 4 year old.
So sad and unnecessary to act this way..she is 4 not 14