SD and extra curricular events
I am new to the group and need any advice I can get. The background is I am SM to a 6 yr. old. We share joint legal custody with BM. It has been hell from day 1 and we have been through every court procedure, Guardian Ad Litems, Judge changes, CPS allegations, police/investigations, lawyers, & thearapist, the whole nine yards. Now BM is refusing to allow SD to attend a sport she wanted to sign up for. Games and practices will be during both of our visitation times. Now BM is saying she has plans during the practices and games, but she does not even know when the practices and games are yet and she also says she does not know when her plans are yet. How can she have plans but not know when the plans are for?. She is saying that she is refusing to allow her to go because DH will be there and that she dont want to spend her time looking at him. The childs therapist says we need to work together for her to attend these things.And that is what I am trying to do. What I want to know is if this is worth going back to court over & will the judge make her allow SD to do the events she wants to do or will it be a waste of time. Should we just take her when we have her and give up hope on BM taking her or allowing her to go? Me & DH want my SD to be able to attend any event she is interested in. And she will be upset if BM does not take her. I do not want SD to be punished because BM is trying to get back at DH. Also to top it all off, BM expects DH to take or allow SD to attend events when she signs her up when it is during his visitation.
Any advice will be appreciated.
It probably won't do much
It probably won't do much good to go back to court. My guess is the judge will order more therapy and order "both" parents to be more cooperative. they don't like to get involved. I think you should sign sd up anyway. take her on your days. Explain to the coach / director of the activity what is going on and that you'll do your best, but that you don't want her to be punished because her mother refuses to participate. Let sd see that her MOTHER is disappointing her. Some where down the road, she'll figure it out.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Talk to the person(s)
Talk to the person(s) running the activity SD wants to be in. Chances are she's not the only kid they are working with who comes from a divorced family and would be accepting if SD could only come during your time. You might also want to talk to your lawyer before you take any legal action. If BM doesn't know when the activity takes place, then perhaps you could give the person in charge of the activity her phone number so they can talk to her and give her this information. How often do you guys have SD?
We have her every other
We have her every other weekend, 1 week day & holidays and breaks from school, plus half of summer.
My point is, in order to say she has plans during her practices and games, she would have to know when they took place and she does not, so how can she say she has plans? She is being difficult and not wanting SD to attend because I agreed to it. And she is going to intentionaly make plans to interfere with the games and practices once she finds out the times.
SM2_1 Princess.... I think
SM2_1 Princess....
I think your husband needs to have a serious meeting of the minds with BM. For example, he can tell her that fine, since SD wants to sign up.. and you two are totally willing to take her to her events, but BM will not on her days, then BM can explain to SD why she won't take her. OR... are you guys willing to take SD to her events every weekend just for the time of the event?
I don't necessarily think this is a court battle, but I do think it is a battle of wills.
Also, how do you think BM would react if DH told her to try to explain to a judge why she won't allow her daughter to be involved in a sport when she doesn't even know the dates / times required.... how does this look for her as a mother?
I think your DH needs to get a little tougher in making BM comply with normal requests and attempts at co-parenting. As long as you guys are fighting in the interest of the child, I don't think you need to worry so much....
What do you think?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
DH did tell her that and she
DH did tell her that and she does not care, she still is refusing to allow SD to attend. We are so tired of fighting in court, but feel SD has the right to choose events of interest, and participate. I mean are we just suppose to let BM prevent her from doing anything, just to get even with DH, or do we start up the court procedures (which is exhausting for everyone involved) to fight for what SD is wanting to do. That cost alot of money and I am wondering if it will be worth it, or should we just give up and forget about the chance of SD having a normal child hood due to her BM having a control trip.
SM2 - what does she say to
SM2 - what does she say to her daughter? Does she say she cannot take her and that you and DH can't take her either? How does she explain it to her?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
She tells SD that it is
She tells SD that it is her(BMs) time and that SD has to do what she says, and that her plans over ride any plans DH makes because she lives with BM more time out of the year and DH does not have a say so. SD even told BM that she wants to try the sport and BM is refusing just to get back at DH.
Well, your SD is going to
Well, your SD is going to learn pretty quickly that BM is being spiteful and selfish. It's very sad because BM is starting to ruin her own relationship with her daughter.
You can do what someone else suggested above, and that is try to talk to those in charge and see if they will let SD play on your weekends. The only concern (for me) with that is to make sure that there are other kids doing the same thing. If SD is the only one with a partial schedule, then it may not be comfortable for her and she may not feel a part of the team. But if that works, that would be great!!
If not, I'm not sure this is worth going to court over. I think you may just want to sit SD down and explain it to her in a way that she can understand and maybe try to find something else that she can do that is exciting and and active for her that is only on your weekends, or weekdays. (Archery or horseback riding classes or something like that)
I'm so sorry. You can't make some BM's "get it"... and it sounds like yours is too wrapped up in herself to give a sh*t about her daughter. All you guys can do is be there for her.
And if, when you explain it to her, SD says "But that's not fair"... Be careful.... Be sure to validate her feelings and make sure she knows you understand, without trashing the BM.
It's going to be hard, but it seems like this will become a pattern for you guys.
Sorry...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Yes it is sad that she is
Yes it is sad that she is ruining her relationship with her daughter, but her only concern is herself not her child, so it does not surprise me at all. SD is a object to her that she can use to get even with DH, not a innocent child who needs BOTH parents.
BM is saying she doesn't
BM is saying she doesn't want to go because DH will be there. Maybe it would be best for only one of the parents to take SD to the activity. That cuts down on conflict.