SS GIVEN CHOICE TO MOVE OUT - BM IS TRYING TO SAY HE WAS FORCED OUT
My husband has 50% custody of his son. For the past few years SS has continued to state he is unhappy with us, he hates me, he hates my son and that he wants to live with mom 100% of the time. This has been a constant theme. He did counseling for over 1.5 years and told the counselor repeatedly he might get up on stand at age 16 to live with mom. Counselor informed us that he could do this. We were sad and I told counselor we would fight it in court - cause he was part of our family.
As recent as November his ex wife called him early morning to tell my husband that SS was unhappy again and didn't want to live with us. SS's behavior escalated. What he does is passive aggressive activites that is attempting to "poke" me and create disruption in the house. Refusal to follow simple rules as we have only simple rules like putting your dish away after dinner, putting the toilet seat down, waiting to eat before everyone else sits down, SIMPLE. All the other children and myself feel like we are walking on eggshells.
My husband decided to offer SS to live with mom 100% of the time. He told him he wants him to be happy. That he had a choice. The choice was that he "change" meaning he stop the passive aggressive poking, lay off of me, and stop hating everyone in the house. Be happy! We want to get to know him.
Now - here is the twist. BM and SS are saying he was forced out of our house. This is SO NOT TRUE. Should we do anything about this? Should we send a letter to her certified stating that SS was given a choice and reiterating parts of the converation.?????
I don't see legal action happening but if she does - can she try to file contempt charge?
You sound like another "hit
You sound like another "hit and run" poster. Dad is doing just fine.
He is 10 times a better parent than mom. Problem is that emotionally mom has SS by the nuts. She has a tight hold on him and she LOVES trying to cause disruption in our home. That is her goal. I think making statements that dad isn't a good dad is just ignorant & incredibly unhelpful & clearly you are either a BM or a SS.
Yes - sometimes you have to
Yes - sometimes you have to sacrifice one for the others in the household. Particularly if that is what the child wants...Honestly, let him go and live with his decision.
DH is right to let him go. As for less parenting in the other household, same thing here and SD is a walking disaster now at 17, but she wanted to live with BM and made everyone miserable. Life is so much more pleasant here since she left...But, even living down the road with BM full-time, she still manages to create havoc.
Yes. This choice had to be
Yes. This choice had to be made. He wanted it, he got it. There are 3 other kids in household and he was hurting all of us for far too long. We talked, counseled, did things for him, expected him to do minimal but he chooses to live in a house where there are no expectations at all. While with us it was a nightmare that broke us down and after years of insults and asking and basically psychological torture in our home - he chose to leave. No adult should be targeted and wrestle for the right to be an adult in their own home. This young man has been superbacked by two woman that want to disrupt our family and they were doing it. Final straw was most recent outburst of behavior and his putting Sh%t on my personal stuff. I felt unsafe and my husband agreed......other kids see too he needed to leave.
YES. Being the better parent
YES. Being the better parent is stopping the cycle of behavior going on between he and his mother and the damage that is being done in our home and to his own emotional being. When a parent is USING a kid to cause problems in the other co-parents home it is time to send that kid back to the other parent and call their bluff.
YES. This is a solid decision and well thought out.
As long as this kid puts sh$t on my stuff and continues to be rude, angry, miserable, unfriendly and making the other 3 kids in the house uncomfortable for over THREE YEARS now and causing others to suffer and when my safety is in jeopardy. Fkn yes it is the right call.
The KIDS are almost adults at 16. He is mean and twisted and needs help and will get it. DH hasn't given up but is removing him from our house was to avoid domestic abuse and police coming over cause that is where it was leading. When a kid misdirects all his anger at an innocent kind person they are SICK and I WILL NOT live uncomfortable and my husband WILL NOT allow this kid to force all the new people in his life out of the house so that he can have it back to the way it was when he was 12. This is a BRAT to the MAX.
First, I know of no state
First, I know of no state where it is law that a minor child gets to chose where they live at any age. Some states allow a Judge to chose to hear a child's wishes but no state that I am aware of requires a Judge to hear the child's wishes much less lets the child make that choice.
So, if your DH is the CP he is not required to allow his son to live with the BM.
I have a question, what adult allows a child to dictate where that child will live? Though we used the threat of moving to his Sperm Idiot's home as a way to make a point when my SS was going through his teen boy brain fart phases we would have never forced him to go live with the Sperm Clan. Interestingly and amusingly when we told him he either towed the line and abided by the family rules of he could go live with his Sperm Idiot my son (SS-now 21) gave his mom and I an odd look and told us that he knew were his home was an who had his back and he was not going anywhere other than home (our family home).
It sounds to me as if you and your DH called SS-16's bluff and now both he and BM are regretting their manipulations.
Now you and DH have a decision to make. Force SS-16 to suffer the consequences of his decision and remain with BM or bring him home and give him absolute clarity that he will abide by the family rules of respectful behavior of he will receive disciplinary consequences for his decisions.
Not an easy decision. But, that is my opinion of the situation.
Good luck.
Hi Rags, Thanks for reading
Hi Rags,
Thanks for reading my post and responding. Massachusetts does allow children to decide. We were told by many that he is 16 and YES, he can choose. But the bigger issue here you hit the nail on the head on is "manipulations". We are calling the bluff. My SS is wrestling to be in charge in our home and do as he wishes. I have been the misdirected target of all his anger and hate. He has made our home "stressful" and every minute, every moment he is UNPLEASANT, RUDE and passive aggressive so YES, we let him leave and live with mom after 3.5 years of his asking.
"Maybe" he will come back. As of right now he can stay put and learn his lesson. The both of them have to learn that things can't go on as they have. He can't be a constant disruption in our home.
We feel for him - but it because total survival. Nonetheless, HIS choice.
From your replies to various
From your replies to various comments it appears to me that you and DH are handling this exactly right. Sometimes the greater good of the family outweighs the needs or wants of an individual in the family.
I would let SS-16 and BM stew in the consequences of their decision were I you and/or your DH.
Most of the research I did on this topic (and not much research) indicates that in no state can a child chose which parent they will live with at any age as a minor. However, some states will give a child the opportunity to express their wishes and will give more weight to an older child's wishes. I suggest that you verify specifically within your state's laws and regulations what the case is for a 16yo.
Here is what I found on Mass.
What age can a child decide which parent to live with?
Massachusetts law does not grant a minor child the authority to decide with which parent he or she will live at any age. In a child custody dispute, Massachusetts law gives the judge the discretion to consider which parent the minor child prefers to live with. When deciding custody, the judge must consider a wide range of factors regarding the minor child's welfare; not just his or her preference. The importance and weight given to a minor child's preference increases as the child gets older a judge is likely to attach a great deal of weight to an adolescent's expression of preference, while an eight-year-olds preference may not be as compelling.
GA does at 14....
GA does at 14....
GA does allow a child to
GA does allow a child to chose which parent they want to live with when the child reaches the age of 14. Unless the court determines that the selected parent is not fit. So, even in GA the court has the final say about resedential custody of minor children until they are age 18. At least that is my understanding.
(3)(A) In all cases in which the child has reached the age of 14 years, the child shall have the
right to select the parent with whom he or she desires to live. The child's selection shall be
controlling, unless the parent so selected is determined not to be a fit and proper person to have the
custody of the child.
Thank you Rags. This is
Thank you Rags. This is what counselor told us. I think we are going to sit tight.
Oh please, when my SD was 18
Oh please, when my SD was 18 or 19 she snuck a boy in, was smoking pot in our home, and taking the car out in the middle of the night. We told her that if she wanted to live with us (rent free even!) that she had to follow some basic rules- no boys, no drugs, and a curfew. She choose that she would rather leave than follow those rules.
To THIS DAY- and she is now 25, she SWEARS she was unfairly KICKED OUT for NO REASON other than we "hate her".
Don't buy into that bullshit.
I think this is pretty much
I think this is pretty much to be expected. Not too many kids have the balls to say, "I was a jerk to my family, so they punted my ass".
I'm a firm believer that at a
I'm a firm believer that at a certain level of maturity, a child should have input to where s/he lives. That's assuming both parents are "normal" and the child doesn't just want to live with a lax parent that will let him/her get away with murder. If the 16 year old is still going to be parented at Mom's, why fight it? Kids have a plethora of reasons for preferring one home over another and it's not the child's fault that the court chose 50/50 custody. There seems to be an issue between you and SS, or the life that he has at your house. The kid is two years from being an adult. He needs to be allowed to start making his own decisions, within reason. The only thing I might bother with is getting something in writing so dh has evidence against a contempt charge, though she probably will go after more child support anyway.
The issue is that SS does not
The issue is that SS does not want to comply with anything or be cooperative or pleasant. He is giving us all a run for our money. He doesn't like me and never has becuz when I moved in a few years ago he saw my two kids having to put their own dishes away, do homework, put toilet seats down, etc. Basic, basic, low end expectations that he REFUSES to comply with cause mommy doesn't make him do anything. That's the deal.
He made his choice!
If he is so unhappy living at
If he is so unhappy living at your house, he should be glad to go live with BM.
He and BM both claim he's unhappy at your house so I don't see what they are complaining about. If BM is so concerned about her son, why does she not offer for him to live with her full time? Definitely some manipulation going on and who knows what else.
Okay...so the boy and BM get
Okay...so the boy and BM get what they want and are complaining because....why??
Sounds like a couple of people who are addicted to misery and playing the victim. Good riddance.
Victims! Right on! Yes
Victims! Right on!
Yes they are
Sounds like our scenario. SS
Sounds like our scenario. SS now 21 lived with us full time since age 16. Everything was fine and dandy until rules, expectations and chores were assigned. Now all of a sudden he had BM in his ear telling him he could go live with her again if at any time he felt he wanted to. Of course, that was until he DID end up back with her. Then it turned into, "How dare they kick you out!" and "He doesn't fit here! He needs to go back to your house!"
Nope, sorry Charlie, keep your kid.
Well it not good - but IS
Well it not good - but IS good to hear other people have been thru the same. Yup - they always get kicked out don't they? LOL
I say "keep your kid".
thank you. He is making our
thank you. He is making our life house. BM knows this and wants this. She is poking him and getting him going. We know this to be true.
However, under the radar her behavior is with the courts.
The choking thing is the "breaking point" for sure. My SS decided to put Sh%t on my personal stuff. That was my breaking point.
He really is a chip of her
He really is a chip of her block. It is really sad but we honestly and sincerely gave him a beautiful home & life. He rejected it all and that was his choice. We are nice nice people - and was having family outings to a movie or skiing and helped him with homework and made him dinners every night and nothing was appreciated because "my rules" which were overblown and over inflated to take a life on of their own. Kid is emotionally in big trouble. DH will still be dealing with that. new counselor.
I hear you, I have the same
I hear you, I have the same thing going on here with ss11 (50% custody), yesterday he spilled it all out and said the same thing. He is the king of passive agressive attitude and manipulation, that, i can say surely.
Differences are, we dont have any other children at home, and in Belgium at 12 children can get to choose with which parent they want to stay (on condition that both parents agree).
If you guys did everything for him and gave him looong time to correct his attitude, there is nothing else to do. It is quite new for me too, so i really dont know how to feel about this situation.
On one hand i feel sorry because it is heartbreaking to see how an 11yo boy can turn against his father just because he is asked to follow some basic rules (shower, brushing teeth, homework, flushing the toilet) and also seeing how a neglecting biomom can manipulate her own child. On the other hand, i imagine that he will not be here in every other week, how our stress levels will decrease and how we will live our lives without constant manipulation.
I hope all will end up well for you and your family. I dont know how it works with custody in U.S. but we share the same pain at the end.