2nd marriages & blended families

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Someone brought up 2nd marriage failure & I started to think & thought I would share. Of course some things will be related to what I have gone thru but many more people will go thru this and I want people to know more & have a better chance at success for their new families. I wish I heard more early on.

I totally think many 2nd marriages with kids involved fail because of the inability for family blending and kids tearing parents apart. Face it - raising a kid in a non-divorce household the kids will pin one parent against the other.

Survival tips:

Have your own interests and your own life. If you have your own kids - always put their emotional concerns/interests before your step kids. HOWEVER, that being said do treat your step kids with love and kindness but draw a line. Boundaries. THEY will want their own parents (if they are in the picture) and will choose them over you as a step parent. So let the SD or SS OWN PARENTS deal with the emotional stuff & other stuff. ALSO - if Dad or Mom isn't in the picture ignore what I just said cause your step parent role may be different and the kids may be wide open to you filling his/her need.

When it comes to discipline only get involved if it affects house safety, you or your own kids. If the discpiline being carried out is non or inaffective and bad stuff is still happening. Young children you may not have choice to discipline but make sure that BM or BD is the one who established the method of discipline FIRST and that you are only carrying out what BM or BD wants.

Draw distinct lines and sign prenuptuals regarding money. What's mine is mine and what yours is yours. Share the mortgage/taxes/bills in a percentage of either 50:50 or some percentage if needed. Do not give your new partner access to your savings or checking. Set up a joint checking for only things you have agreed to share. What I saved for college for my kids since they were 5 is MY KIDS. What my partner DID NOT save is he and his x-wives concern.

The reason blended families don't always work is because blending families is never like a 'traditional" or 1950s family. YOu can't mirror a non-divorced family. It has to be special/unique in that the rules of enagement are different. Once you realize this - and change expectations - and change handling of matters it will be more likely to work.

Another reason blended family 2nd marriages fail is because of competition for affection. Kids want dad, not step mom. Kids want mom, not step dad. There HAS to be time put aside for the biological kids to do something with biological mom or dad without step kids included. There is a unique bond with that group. Nothing makes me angrier when i hear of a BM or BD teaching their kids to call the step-parent "MOM OR DAD". Don't do that. There is a distinction.

Time - Give your blended family TIME. I do agree with someone who said that it takes a good 3-4 years for a blended family to feel comfortable. Some kids may bail out - it may not work for them. Accept that. Some kids may LOVE IT and gain life long relationships. Some step parents may gain life long loves as they knew their boundaries - and have succeeded in establishing a positive connection with a step child that will carry into adulthood.

Alienation by BM or BD. If you see this happening you may be screwed. What this may mean is that BM or BD has decided to NOT accept step parents in the kids life and WILL work at destroying your new family. They are not on your side. So best defense is to not be lazy and speak up when you see alienation happening. You may think you need to "talk" to the other parent and you can try - cause of course it is just a misunderstanding. Guess what - You still may lose if the kid has a strong connection to one parent. If kid is tightly connected to BM and she decided to poison the situation - yup - it will be successful. You can waste money in court and try guardian at liden....blah blah. These agencies don't see the truth. Counselors won't often either. Best defence is LOVE LOVE and speaking up for yourself without trashing the other parent. NEVER say anything negative about other parent. THAT is your best defence. Make all your choice about the kids. Never make a choice to punish the other parent for their bad behavior. If the kid wants to go to ball game and it's on your time but the kid is dead set on it - you may have to agree but draw boundaries on this and then inform other parent they are NOT to do this again. That you value your time with child & have rights to it. Also, don't be passive. If the kid sits at the table and says "it is all dad's fault that we live in an apartment" you say to them "no, mom chose to move out: and THEN bring that comment up with your x. If you let this go, and not call out the comments ONE AT A TIME - and EVERY SINGLE ONE they will continue on and on. Alienation starts slowely one chip at a time.....so speak up. Legal letters if needed.

There is no single recipe for blending families. That is why second marriages fail. A combination of not having your own place & space & relationship with your own kids AND trying to imitate the traditional 1950s family that is the wrong mirror to look at. Be original, flexible and don't be afraid to draw those lines financially, emotionally, etc. Also - every kid has a different personality. Behavior isn't always predictible.

Good luck

Recent studies shows kids do

Recent studies shows kids do better in school and socializing if they're from a single parent home as opposed to a step home.

I think many of these screwed up kids would handle a divorce mostly with success if they didn't see their mother/father bedding someone else down in the same home they live in until they were well out of high school.

sounds very 1950s Again -you

sounds very 1950s

Again -you have to change with the times. My first husband made the choice to leave first and "bed up" with someone else. I am so happy I moved on and met a wonderful man and without him I am able to provide my two children with a stable life and a nice house because our two "BEDS" act like ONE ROOF.

Recent studies show that more single woman with kids are at poverty level and those children often end up on social services/welfare and with lots of poverty issues.

>Recent studies shows kids do

>Recent studies shows kids do better in school and socializing if they're from a single parent home as opposed to a step home.<

"NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!"

AGREE!!! Add to list. LOL My

AGREE!!!

Add to list. LOL

My x moved away immediately (G.F.) to be near her family and a haul(plus 40mins) so that I got ZERO help most of the time. I ended up relocating the kids two years later and I was so worried. BOTH kids told me a couple months ago that it was the best thing I ever did for them. They like their new home and area so much better than where they were before. I moved them pre-highschool age - just bordering or in middle school. I worked hard on the transition. Because my new husband provided me with health benefits I was able to work from home a couple years and be there for them. I am thankful and glad I moved. However - having both parents stay put is ideal. Live in same community if possible. ESPECIALLY in 50:50 situations. Honestly - my majority situation with the long distance has worked better than my DH's 50:50 situation whose x lives nearby becuz she is an uncooperative co-parent. So it really can vary.

Let's add that to the list

Let's add that to the list and watch the list grow!!!!!!!!

So agree!!! Good point.

"OC was quoting a fact found

"OC was quoting a fact found by research. It isn't anything for you to question or state opposing views. "

Weeeeell.... except he wasn't, really. (No offense, OC!) What OC did was offer a conclusion of one (or at least a subset) study with no reference to which study (or studies) it was. Not exactly a "fact".

In fact, here's something from The National Stepfamily Resource Center which seems to say OC is wrong - something you couldn't do with a "fact".

http://www.stepfamilies.info/articles/the-effects-of-remarriage-on-child...

Overall, a review of the many studies reveals inconsistent findings. In other words, some studies find children in stepfamilies are less well adjusted than children in other families and other studies find no such differences.

thanks for that article - i

thanks for that article - i especially liked this part: "In addition compared to children in intact, unhappy first-marriage families, stepchildren are better adjusted."

Between OC's tired rehashing

Between OC's tired rehashing of the same studies that go uncited (and I suspect are largely outdated) and his ridiculous suggestions and attacks on people's problems -- I've learned to take him with a grain of salt. Albeit, that grain can be grating... (He once suggested to us that when BM tired to move out of state that DH should hire a charter plane for SS/SD5, for instance.)

There are studies out that can confirm or refute anything. There's no shortage of studies that show climate change is a reality but most of us are also familiar with the "scientists" who's studies "prove" that climate change is a hoax. Unless one can support a study with citations and keep those citations up to date, it's just someone being opinionated and likely unwilling to stay informed and up to date on the topics they read "studies" for.

Anyway -- I think there's real merit for successful blended families that can cooperate with love and respect. Things don't work when those elements aren't present. Love is for the individuals in each of the families and genuine respect of both families keeps things smooth for everyone involved. Unfortunately, few of us have a full supply of both otherwise we probably wouldn't be venting here. My info comes only from personal experience (both as a stepchild and now as a stepparent) so I won't bother you with studies I can't offer.

But I'm a big fan of love and respect.

Yeah, the whole natural and

Yeah, the whole natural and unnatural thing can even be flipped upside down when looking outside our narrow cultural perspective. In some communities, they take the village concept of raising a child VERY seriously. Hold your breath, I'm going to cite something: anthropologists, like Kottak, who make a living studying human families, have written whole swaths of basic college textbooks for freshman level courses just to explain to Westerners how "normal" it is for some cultures to raise children with a lack of distinction between what we consider a mother versus an aunt. (Anthropology: The Exploration of Human Diversity, written by Conrad Kottak, Twelfth Edition). <------ note: my college professors here would chastise me for not citing this appropriately in APA format, but for our purposes, it's better than "studies have shown."

Love and respect. Boy, those two are important.