Update: poop hit the fan
With what everyone said here, and SO trying to do the right thing, SS 14 has decided to try again with BM.
While we are confused after everything that has happened since SS asked SO to pick him up. BM stayed quiet through the weekend and then attempted to pick SS up from school on Tuesday. She got there easily and had him taken out of class. SS called SO and asked him what to do. SS ended up in his counselors office and explaining the situation, we don't know what was said as it was confidential. The school did try to release him to BM but SS refused and SO showed up to talk. The sheriffs showed up and it was a repeat of the day BM had called the cops. No one forced him to go with her. He left with SO.
Now at this point, we still don't have a clear picture of why SS didn't feel safe going home to BM. He would close up when asked about it. SO would remind him that he cannot hide from BM forever. If she really did something bad he needed to tell us. He would just say he didn't want to talk about it.
Yesterday morning, I guess BM decided it was time to call a truce with SO. She said she wanted SS home and that she and SO needed to stop fighting and stop court. She was willing to let him see SO anytime, even in her weekends. She just wanted to talk to him, no cops. SO was hesitant because that is the one thing SS asked him not to do... don't make him talk to BM. But SO wanted him to try, at least to tell her how he feels and what she did for this to happen. Even just to tell her he needs space.
SO called SS to let him know about it. He wasn't happy about it but said ok. They met in a parking lot after school and SS stayed in the car while BM said her piece. SO didn't hear everything but as soon as he reminded to tell SS how he felt, SS shut up. He wouldn't say anything. BM said "SO and I are going to work together now, so you can come home, right SO?" SO said it wasn't about them, it was about SS. I don't know what else was said but SS then said, "fine" and went with BM. SO could tell he was upset with him. SO had words with BM and told her that she needed to be nicer to SS because if any of the kids call, he will always pick up. We met them later at ysd's performance and SS wouldn't acknowledge SO.
SO is now wondering if he did the right thing. Yes, I think he did the right thing. I have a lot of emotion involved. I took SS to school in the mornings and even though it was barely a week, it was nice to have that time with him. We had been talking about stuff we would do that night when he got home. I was sad, surprised he went with BM, and now wondering if SS played us.
SS fought the school and BM hard to protect SS because he said he didn't feel safe going home. Now he is willing to begrudgingly try again? Did SO put him in an unsafe situation? Did SS lie about not feeling safe? To put us through calling the cops and drama with school and BM, it almost feels like SS got mad at SO for ruining his plan to run away from BM and cut her off. BM said the last conversation she had with SS was about not letting him see his girlfriend and grounding him. If all of this was for that, my heart breaks a little. We know BM talks a lot of crap about SO to the kids, so we know that there was attempt at alienation at some point, but SO believes this incident has turned her around. I'm skeptical. She couldn't get the cops on her side, the school couldn't do it, so the only thing left was to try and work with SO. Nothing will stop her from going back to her old ways as soon as everything goes back to normal.
i didn't get a chance to talk to SS after I found out about the meeting. Kind of worried it'll go the way of OSD13 as we haven't seen her in almost 5 months. SO feels like SS won't trust him anymore, but that he still did the right thing in the long run. I think I'll be more understanding after a day or two but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. I'm sad, but I support SO in what he did.
i appreciate everyone's input in my first post. We have always been on the fence about BM and mental/emotional abuse. She yells a lot and has a history of calling SS names out of anger, according to SS. I'm not sure there was ever a big reason SS started all of this. We got excited when SS "chose" us and he knew all the right things to say. Hopefully, if SS is really unhappy over there this time around, SO and BM can actually talk about it... but we'll see.
He needs to understand that
He needs to understand that saying he "doesn't want to talk about it" makes it look as if there isn't actually anything really wrong. If he wants his father's help, his father needs to know exactly WHY.
We thought he'd open up
We thought he'd open up eventually, but even after facing BM, he didn't have anything to say. He's always been scared of her in some way so it's difficult to interpret if it was out of fear or his bluff was called.
he may feel betrayed and is
he may feel betrayed and is giving up his fight with his mom because he feels dad didn't really have his back when dad pushed him to talk alone with mom.
a good counselor with no bias might be best because something is going on.
I agree. I think he does feel
I agree. I think he does feel betrayed that he was made to speak to his mom but SO was not far away. SS was inside the car and BM was standing outside of it. He was able to tell her no before. We don't know what made this time different. No cops? Or he felt bad?
He has a counselor at school but I'm not sure he's willing to utilize the resources.
This is a tough one. If there
This is a tough one. If there truly IS abuse and SS is afraid to say what it is, then he's stuck in an unsafe situation. If he's manipulating to get his way, the attention is just feeding a bad pattern. Maybe a non-school-related therapist could help sort things out? Could DH schedule it on his custody time so SS feels safe talking?
I will bring it up to SO. I
I will bring it up to SO. I don't know if either side or even SS will agree to speak to a therapist. It seems as though he wanted to get away from BM but not want to get her in trouble. This is be territory so it may be worth bringing up.
“They met in a parking lot
“They met in a parking lot after school and SS stayed in the car while BM said her piece. SO didn't hear everything but as soon as he reminded to tell SS how he felt, SS shut up.”
I’m confused on this, was it SO and BM talking while SS sat in the car waiting for them? Or was it BM talking to SS alone while SO waited in the car? Or was BM talking through the window to SS and SO wasn’t listening so didn’t hear much?
I don’t really know if your SO did the right thing or not, because if BM is abusing him or did something abusive to him SS now knows he can’t rely on SO to be his advocate and keep him safe. Your SO should have told BM “He’s not coming back with you at this point until SS is ready to tell me what happened.” Then he should have filed an ex parte hearing for emergency custody.
SS was in the passenger seat
SS was in the passenger seat and BM was talking to him through the window. SO had left the drivers side because BM had brought YSD as she had a performance right after the meeting and SO was trying to distract her, which is why he didn't hear the entire conversation.
SO is worried that SS is returning to an unsafe situation, and maybe wasn't confident enough to say no? We are seeing them again today and, if the damage isn't already done, SO is going to make sure SS is feeling safe. It'll be another story if we find out this all happened because BM grounded him.
I know your SO can’t go back
I know your SO can’t go back and change it, but the conversation should have only happened with SO present so he could hear what BM had to say, that might have given him a lot of insight right there. Does BM have a history of abuse in the past? We never knew how psychotic Meth Mouth was or the things she did to Spawn because she refused to tell us. Even after DH got custody and stuff came out because Spawn told the mediator, she would never tell DH anything. She did open up one time to my SIL about stuff and we wanted to report it but couldn’t since Spawn again refused to tell DH anything. It’s all very possible SS is “gaming the system” so to speak to get his way or out of trouble at BM’s, but the fact that she showed up at the school and wouldn’t got with her. That’s what gets me.
PUtting on my teen boy hat...
PUtting on my teen boy hat... dad betrayed the kid. SS specifically asked his father not to engage with BM. Dad did just that.
While not in the same context, I have only once in my nearly 30 year marriage to my DW not told her about something.
When he was 17 I interupted SS surfing porn. I made him show me what he was doing on the computer that he was only supposed to use for school. He showed me. It was gay porn. He was adament that he was looking at women when a ton of gay port windows started openning up on his computer. Not beyond belief. I once had a chamber of commnerce web site do that to me at work. The site had been hacked and in seconds hundreds of porn sites had opened on my work station. I asked him if there was anything he needed to talk about with his mom and I. Nope. He said he wasn't gay. He then asked me not to say anything to his mom about the porn. I do not keep things from my bride. However, I honored his request to not tell his mom about the porn.
Meanwhile 5yrs later and back at the ranch... SS came out to his mom and I . It was an amazing conversation. His mom and I assured him that we loved him, that his being gay did not change that or that he was our son. I did tell him that life can be difficult enough and that there would likely be people who would not be supportive so please be careful and always be aware of his surroundings and to be safe. His mom was tearful and regretful that she had not known and was not there for him during his teens as far as being supportive was concerned.
He teased her saying that the moms always know and besides "Dad knew and you guys tell each other everything.". Nope, I honored his request to not tell his mom about the porn. He threw me under the bus.
It may take some time for SS to get past his likely feelings of betrayal. His dad did exactly what SS asked him not to do.
This is not an intact family situation. Something is going on with BM or at BM's home that motivated SS to leave and not want to go back. His request of his dad was to honor that choice. DH undermined the teens choice. It could be a manipulation move by SS. But it could be legitimate. Now, SS is even more unlikely to talk about it.
If I were your SO, I would have made damned sure that the conversation was a tripartate discussion between BM, SS, and SO and I would have recorded it for posterity in the event BM tried any crap, lied, etc... or SS was playing games.
I hope that DH's actions in this has not betrayed SS to the point that their relationship is damaged in the long term.
I am going to post my
I am going to post my question from the 1st poop post, here on the this 2nd poop hit the fan post.
Here is goes,
------------------------------------------------
Does the teen follow the rules at school OR call dad and say PICK UP ME I am uncomfortable? Does kid play sports? Does he follow the teams rules? Or does he tell dad---come get me, I am uncomfortable. Does he complain about all the rules he has to follow, school, sports, his friends parents family home rules ...OR it is only MOM"S rules, in moms house, that he is uncomfortable about?
Your SO betrayed SS. He
Your SO betrayed SS. He fought going back to her twice with the cops present. That's a big deal. Your SO thought it was a good idea to make him talk to BM ?! Alone ?!?! You have no idea what was said or what he was threatened with. This was a terrible move. A confrontation should have never taken place without a counselor present. SS now knows he can't trust either parent. Your SO should apologize.
Final update
I just wanted to put an final update on the situation.
Everyone was a little right. Yes, SO betrayed SS in a sense, by ruining his plan to never talk to BM again. The following day, SO and I were nervous to pick up SS and YSD for their visit. They hopped in the car and before SO could apologize and ask how they were doing, SS thanked SO. He thanked him for sticking up for him when he needed it and for setting BM straight.
for those who said it sounded like SS didn't like BMs rules, they were half right. BM had been grounding SS a lot due to his attitude, but that stemmed from her constant belittling and bullying of him, pretty much making him feel like crap for being SO's son. She started finding dumb reasons to take his phone away like him not letting her meet his girlfriend. SS is not the best at standing up for himself. The night SS went back with BM, they had a long talk and SS asked that in addition to what SO told BM, that his stuff be treated with respect (his bed is in a common area and the other 4 kids just throw their back packs and dog stuff on it), and that he get to see SO more. BM agreed to everything. I guess she was genuinely terrified to not have SS around despite her comments about having other kids to take care of.
YSD10 is happier now as well. She missed SS for the week he was with us and she's glad that SO and BM are trying to get along. We don't know how long it'll last but I'll take it for now. In this case, we were lucky and things worked out.
Hope this answered all the questions! I really appreciate having this platform to just vent and get advice from. Thanks everyone!