Venting- Modification of CS
So a couple months ago BM completed a motion for modification to Child Support, after almost a year of successful alienation of my SD14 and claiming she is now the "only custodial parent" and still interfering with DH and SD's re-unification the court date is tomorrow. The lawyers finally came back with the CS Worksheets and it has my DH at over $900 a month for CS. I am sorry my SD was in our home for 50+% of the time up until May and our bills were not much more than they are currently. Both parents shared the cost of medical, school clothes and supplies etc.
The issue is that her not being in our home is 100% to do with the parenting and manipulation of her mother; no punishments or consequences for her behavior, constant excuses for her behavior, would go spend $300 on a Supreme hoodie for her when she acted out, no rules, left home alone overnight (we believe this is still happening on a weekly basis because BM has a job that she travels) Then the constant bad-talking DH from BM to SD, she has been poisoning her daughter since she was old enough to understand, maybe even prior. BM makes $50k more a year than DH, she makes well into the 6 figures yet has NO money because of her "daughters needs" sorry honey we paid for summer clothes, school clothes and supplies (we gave her $600 at that time) Winter Coat and Timberland boots in December ($450) but she still doesn't have a penny in savings. (I have dug deep into her financial statement, $150 a week on CLOTHING!)
We are not rich, we are middle class, have debt, rent a home, I have a ton of student loan debt and now this. He is feeling a bit defeated by his ex-wife in the sense that she doesn't need to drain him mental and financially but she does. For me its trying to get him to understand this is the reality and we need to work around it for the next few years. We could go for custody but the end result at best is an angry teenager in our home, DH wants to take care of his daughter he just feels like he is being taken advantage once again by his ex-wife.
He was having a woe is me moment where he is certain he "sees where this is going" and that he will be struggling and I will leave him and then he will have all this money to pay and be homeless...I had to snap him out of that!
Sorry for the venting, I am so overwhelmed.
Yep, it sucks. DH pays over
Yep, it sucks. DH pays over 1K per month to BM, who makes 100K per year, for a lazy 20-year-old.
Why is it so high if your DH doesn't make much?
Since your DH never had a formal custody agreement, he's screwed yet again. The best thing you can do is treat it as unexpected debt and adjust your budget accordingly.
Yeah I imagine we will figure
Yeah I imagine we will figure it out, it just sucks as the initial number is alarming!
He makes okay money, the $900 plus is about 25% of his net pay. Its roughly a weeks paycheck, which takes a lot of money out of our home that we know damn well will be used for crap like acrylic nails, $200 sneakers and endless gifts to SD from BM.
Why if you DH still paying for a 20 year old? Is he in college? I know in Massachusetts they allow up until the age of 21 if the child is still dependent on the custodial parent, we worry about this because SD may NEVER move out of her mothers house. And up to 23 if they are in college, I dont think college is a concern for us.
Yep, New York goes to 21 if
Yep, New York goes to 21 if the kid still lives in the CP's home, and of course, he does - she plans to collect every red cent (though she's already talking about giving him the boot and DH has 10 more payments to make).
25% is crazy high - at least here, they combine the two incomes and then take 17% of that and each pays their share based on income - and they capped the two incomes at 148K, which gave DH a break.
BM also got college tuition ordered, but lazy SS dropped out after one year.
Your DH is really, really lucky he hasn't been paying CS all along, honestly.
Well the agreement was that
Well the agreement was that they were 50/50 and they split all the other cost such as medical and necessities. The sharing of all these cost and at some points DH taking the additional cost on 100% when SD was not in our home at all. He is far from a deadbeat parent, his attorney stated that if he would have had a custody order in place (which he failed at, thinking he could make coparenting work with a HCBM) that he would have actually received CS when they did 50/50. But of course he never wanted to stir the pot.
I didn't mean to imply he was
I didn't mean to imply he was a deadbeat, by any means. Just shocked that BM didn't go after child support with 50/50.
I think she may have had to
I think she may have had to pay at least that is what DH's lawyer stated. Equal parenting time and she is 61% responsible based on her income
BM here manipulated the
BM here manipulated the daylights out of SS to get him to ask to spend more than 50% with her so she didn't have to pay child support. Of course, it ended up 100/0 after a lot of effort on DH's part to prevent it.
Massachsuetts cap is $250k I
Massachsuetts cap is $250k I believe!
That stinks - parents who
That stinks - parents who alienate their children are pure evil, if you ask me. Your husband should stop paying for any extras that aren't court ordered. No more clothes and Timberland boots - that can all come out of cs. He won't be able to "buy" an alienated child,, so no point in giving BM a cent more than has been ordered, either directly or indirectly.
Yeah we have already
Yeah we have already discussed this because knowing BM she will blow through the money and then cry poverty. Sorry but not sorry, she will be getting 12k a year in tax free money while we struggle to pay bills.
This isnthe exact reason why
This isnthe exact reason why teens shouldn't be allowed to choose what parent they live with under the current family court system. It's too easy to manipulate teens into choosing the "fun" parent, or to alienate them from the other parent, and the reward is too great for the parent doing the alienating/toxic parenting.
Personally, I'd love to see judges tell CPs that if their teen decides to live with them full-time after doing 50/50 or some other schedule with both parents that the CP doesn't get an increase in CS (barring, of course, legitimate reasons why 50/50 can no longer be facilitated, like NCP moving away or an assessment by FOC/CPS stating the teen should have less time with one parent).
When you take away the incentive, people will stop being arseholes. But so long as the courts fund this kind of crap "for the kids", people will continue to manipulate and damage their kids for a few extra bucks a month.
I'm so sorry.
100% agree.
100% agree.
Here, if it's 50/50, the
Here, if it's 50/50, the higher earner pays FULL support. That was BM, so she manipulated SS into telling attorneys he wanted more time with her.
I agree, the child support prize is too enticing for some.
That is so frustrating! Its
That is so frustrating! Its like no one can catch a break and the other parent can just manipulate and lie to get what they want.
That's crazy!! In what world
That's crazy!! In what world do they think it's fair for a parent to fully support the child half the time PLUS pay full child support? Especially if the higher earner doesn't make that much more.
In my state, the higher earner pays CS if there's 50/50, but it's only the standard percentage of what is roughly the *difference* between the two incomes. That at least makes sense to me.
I know - there is a strong
I know - there is a strong women's lobby in this state, milking fathers for everything. It's pretty sickening.
DH needs to man up and go to
DH needs to man up and go to war instead of wilting and waiting around for his X to take the initiative.
He needs to nail her with a contempt motion every time SD does not arrive for CO'd visitation. Kids don't get to choose if they visit. They visit as stipulated in a CO or they watch as the NCP roles up with the sherrif in tow with a rolled up copy of the CO to smack the CP with.
No money goes to the CO other than what is COd via CS. Period.
From the second visitation starts until it ends the teen needs to be force fed the facts regarding the CO, the Cp's manipulation and how the system works. DH's has to focus on building and bolstering his relationship with his kid. Even if that means destroying mommy with the facts of her manipulative PASing crap.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
While I agree I don't know if
While I agree I don't know if you remember but DH really screwed himself when he was divorced and allowed her to use her friend as their mediation attorney. We found out about a year ago when we brought this CO to an attorney that DH had no rights or responsibilities for his daughter outside of school medical and other legal decisions. They never drafted a parenting plan because DH thought at the time that he would be able to co-parent with HCBM. I mean they never were able to parent in the same house but.... So BM made all the decisions on when her daughter could be here and she made it around her work schedule because she travels all over the country for work every week. we demanded to go back to a standard schedule because SD was not happy with schlepping her things back and forth between two houses two to three times per week. We set boundaries and requirements that we see her certain days for her sake not for BM.
Long story short DH spoke with his attorney about potentially looking for 50/50 custody with a parenting plan and his attorney actually advised against it saying since they were in the reunification process post alienation it would be best if they grew their relationship organically.
I am 100% sure that SD comes to our house for a few hours a week to simply spy and report back to her mother. We have spoken to both SD and BM about having her back in our home close 50% of the time. Request have been ignored.
Do you think it's wise to talk about the custody order or lack thereof and child support with a fourteen-year-old? we discussed it last night thinking she's old enough to understand but we know anything we say will go directly back to her mother. Whereas SD keeps her mom secrets for the most part. She slipped a few times and told us things that she probably shouldn't have.
I think she's old enough to at least have an understanding of what's going on and the fact that there are consequences to her actions more than just hurting her father's feelings. But I feel we need to tread lightly.
Personally I would not burden
Personally I would not burden the child with the fact that you will be struggling to pay bills because she is no longer 50:50 and a judge orderd child support. I feel that is a manipulative move and not something that a child should be burdened with.
I do however think that if she asks a question then she should be told the facts of things. If she says..mom told me you don't pay for anything anymore. Then dad can say...I give your mom money every month to look after you. If she says ..you don't give mom enough money ..then you say that a judge looked at both of our incomes and decided the amount that needs to be paid and I pay that every month....and so on...facts given as impartially as you can.
I agree...DH was being
I agree...DH was being emotional and said "well when we can't afford to do things with SD she will learn why or if we need to move to a cheaper home etc" and I was like it's not her fault ..you and her mother brought her into this world, why make her feel guilt.
Her mother lies constantly, especially with her father's financial contribution and in moments of him being upset it wants to bring it up to SD, all I can think while SD is equally as manipulative and out for blood it seems as her mother, making her feel guilty isn't good. But we don't even correct what her mother says 99% of the time.
Don't file endless court motions.
Please don't follow that advice. He'd be throwing money down the toilet, especially since he has no real CO. I wouldn't talk to SD about any of this stuff, unless you have to - ie, unless BM is lying to her.
Once you get an actual CO
Once you get an actual CO that gives your DH some rights and a specific visitation schedule.... absolutely it is a good idea to keep Skids abreast of the facts of the divorce and of BM's manipulative crap ... in an age appropriate manner.
There is a relatively short horizon for DH to prepare his daughter for adulthood and to learn to protect herself from her toxic manipulative BM.
We used this model with my SS-27 so that he would be able to protect himself from the toxic manipulation and lies of the SpermClan while on visitation and then when he became an adult. As it worked out, we were right to do this. When he turned 18 and aged out from under the CO they immediately started pressuring and guilting him to send money to help support his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. Because we had kept him informed the the facts, the history, reviewed the CO with him, and never kept things from him or lied to him when they did lie to him he could tell when their verbal sputum did not pass the smell test and he would call them on it immediately.
As he grew up and was in his mid teens we would often find him in our office going through our Custody/Visitation/Support filing cabinet drawers and even listening to the official court recordings of the hearings when his SpermClan attempted to take custody from his mom. They hated that he knew the facts and they hated it even more when he called them on their bullshit when he knew the facts.
He is now 27 and has very little to do with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. They manipulated and lied so much to him his entire life that he has no use for them. Except his half sister (SpermIdiot spawn #2). They are pretty close. She detests the SpermIdiot. Interestingly it is my SS that advises her to keep some type of relationship with their father so she does not end up hating him to the point of costing herself access to that part of her family. My SS is extremely wary of them all (except his sister) including his two yougest half sibs (two boys #s 3 & 4). He pretty much feels they are not worthy of him as proven by their multigenerational history of crappy decisions and characterless crap.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
I think that parental
I think that parental alienation to this degree should negate child support. Family court wants to pretend that they enforce and support the facilitation of the father/child relationship and that it's important, but all they really care about enforcing is the financial aspect. If these women think that they are all their kids need, they can take on the full financial responsibility, as well.
BM over here would have been driving SD over to our house herself (DH did all p/u &drop offs) if she thought she would lose CS.
I have read cases in which CS was cut off because the kid did not want a relationship with the father but I think they were a little older, like going into college (in states where CS was still required if kid went to college).
There has to be a consequence for these women turning these kids against their dads. The best consequence for a lot of these BM is financial. Instead, they are rewarded.