Discussed by the way that some people act
So here is my problem, SM feels that she can tell me what I can and cannot do when it comes to my child.
Here are some examples of what I deal with.....DH married new SM when my son was 6 or 7 (can't remember his age). They have him for a half week evey other week. At the time of divorce I felt that it was important that my son got to spend as much time with his father but wasn't comfortable with giving him a 50/50 split. Son's father lives about 50 minutes from my house (his own doing). SM has an attitude every time I see her. I get the impression that she's angry with me because I'm involved in my own son's life. My son's father and I use to get along even after the divorce until she moved here (my son was about 3 yrs old then). Ever since that point I was no longer allowed to call my son which I had been doing all the time when my son was younger, he no longer allows me to change days with him, they don't sit with us during events because of the animosity between us which means my son misses out on things and I feel that it doesn't give my son a good impression for how people should treat others.
Now, since I'm also remarried (recently) I am a step parent to my current spouse's two children. My son is thrilled that he has brother's now. He actually gets upset when we don't have the other boys when my son is home with me. I will get into disagreements with my husband because I don't always agree with him allowing his former wife to call all the time (without talking to the kids) in regards to things for example for us to make sure to check the kids backpack for their school work or something that she put in there or to ask if we have enough socks for them, etc. Like we don't know what to do or something. I just think that it's unnecessary for her to call all the time if she's going to be calling the kids later that evening anyway. I feel like those are things that she should/could be emailing us about. I feel like she constantly interrupts our time with them. Plus (a little selfishly) I feel like we have no privacy. Anyway, with all that said, I still can sit with her and talk with her even when she's annoyed me. So, it's not like I can't get along with people.
My former spouse and I can generally get along as long as his new wife isn't involved/around. Once she is involved it's all down hill and counter productive to what I'm trying to accomplish for my son. The impression that they give me is that the only thing that is important to them is how they look. I do not understand how my son's father can go nine days without talking to his son. I have invited almost to the point of pleading with him to call him whenever he wants. This has been going on for the past six years. I am dying because I can't talk to my son the five days that he is with his father.
At the beginning of the year, we decided that my husband needed to leave his job and it would give him the opprotunity to finish his paper that he needed to complete his masters degree. Normally the kids would go to Latchkey while we were at work, but since he was home we didn't feel that we needed to send them. We felt that the time at home would be better plus we didn't really have the income to continue to send them. We offered my former spouse to drop-off/pick-up my son at my house before/after work thinking that it would be easier since he has to drive by our road to get to the school, plus it would save him money. He chose to continue to have him attend Latchkey so I told him that he would be paying for it. Now that his wife works at home they don't need Latchkey and are refusing to pay his half of the cost because they don't feel that they need to. They are trying to say that it's the same thing when we don't feel that it is. One was because of financial reasons (they are now back in Latchkey since we both are working again) and one is because the wife can drop him off and pick him up before/after school. We have not been back to court yet for the Judge to tell us that he doesn't have to pay.
Recently my son was sick so I took him to the doctor and was told that he didn't have strep but a virus that is floating around. I would email his father to let him know what was going on and yet when my son went to his house I would have to email them or call (per his father's request when I emailed him) his wife to find out how my son was doing. When my son returned home from his father's house he was still sick so I ended up taking my son to UC one night and then the doctor's the next day where I found out that he has pneumonia. I emailed his father (and cc'd his wife) to inform him what has been going on and she had the nerve to email me back and tell me how I should have called them and she will expect to hear from my son or they will start calling him like I did all week/weekend when he was over their house. First off, I was told to call the two days because his father didn't have a clue what was going on and secondly I called there two days out of five; where did the weekend come from? What makes me mad is the way the email reads.
The day before he had sent me an email because he didn't like the way that I had thanked his wife for the information about the school work she provided and then addressed him about some upcoming appointments that my son had for him to try to attend. I ignored responding to that email because they just don't get it. I'm having a very difficult time ignorning this email.
Anyway, any advise from anyone in regards to how to handle all of this would be appreciated. I'm at a dead-end and am getting extremely ticked off with having to deal with them. I always end up being the bigger person and that's because of my son. What I truly would like to do is tell them (beyond) off and what I think of them and their attitudes even though I know that it will never register with them because they are too much of morons to know anything (personal opinion).
The best advice I can give is this...
Parents need to communicate with each other about their children directly and not through stepparents, especially if there is conflict between a bio and a step.
I think the best thing a stepparent can do is stay out of it whenever possible and let your spouse, the bioparent, deal with the other bioparent.
I think the best thing any divorced parent can do is insist on working with the other parent directly, without having to go through a stepparent.
There are exceptions to every rule. On some routine things - like making sure she has insurance cards, what do the kids want for Christmas, sharing photos, etc. - I have no problem communicating with BM, nor she with me. But I refuse to get into conversations with her about visitation or money and I will not entertain any communication with her that is not friendly or at least civil. DH sometimes has difficulty talking to BM about visitation issues, so he'll frequently work those through BM's husband, the stepfather. But the bottom line is that when bios and steps clash, the default should ALWAYS be the bio parents working things out between themselves.
If I were you, I would insist that any communication between their household and yours be between you and your son's father, if for no other reason than because it's just less confusing having one point of contact rather than trying to coordinate everything between the two of them. You work through Dad and then Dad can advise SM or whatever. I think that's your right as the mother to expect that you will be dealing directly with your child's father and not with his wife. Now, you'll probably catch all kinds of hell if you suggest this, because she sounds like a buttinsky. But I still think it's your right.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
You can't rent space in my
You can't rent space in my head, I reserve the right to evict you.
You have the right to deal with who you want to deal with. Your ex should be the only one you talk to about your son. I would ignore every call or email sent by SM. It isn't her business at all. You should insist on only speaking to ex.
These SMs who jump in the middle of the situation are only asking for trouble. She's the third wheel here, she shouldn't be calling any shots.
That reeks of insecurity. The fact that this SM feels the need to control the situation is telling. It's sad because it seems that you and your ex were doing fine until she brought the drama. Why did she bring the drama? Because she was threatened by your relationship with her man so she had to ruin it. What a shame. I'm a SM, but I can't cosign with that SM's behavior. It's just wrong.
I agree
I have never had more than a strained phone conversation (and that's a generous term because usually she hangs up if I answer.) In my case it is her that is insecure, but I still don't force myself on her. DH and I make the decisions together, which peeves her and always has. Part of that is because I am more level headed and often if I intervene it is to caution him to pick his battles, allow BM her way on things that don't matter, etc. But sometimes it is to remind him to put his foot down with BM when she is trying to get out of her responsibilities. All these inconsistencies led to us winning custody bc BM was totally uncooperative. But though I did start doing things for SD BM should have been doing, I still didn't rub her face in it or confront her, still was pleasant the one or two times ever she asked for SD rather than hanging up on me.
In my opinion the SM does need to sit on whatever she can, whenever she can and not try to instigate problems.
My sons SM and I get along very well, but she has often over stepped (as I'm sure she sometimes believes of me as well.) We all do/have/will at times in this crazy situation.
But when she does I simply deal directly with my exH. In the end, it is always between the two parents. I would advise you (this is an old post so I'm not sure if you will see it) is to take the high road regarding SM, but deal only with exH.
Hope this situation is doing better!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra