20 year old SD, acting like she is 12
My husband and I have been married for just over six months. He has a 20 yo daughter. I have no children. We have actually trying to conceive, but have been unsuccessful. When my husband and I got together his daughter was living in Oman with her mother. My husband and his ex were never married as he knew it would never work between them. She was in Oman to get her away from her friends/boyfriend who were all trouble. At the age of 17 years she accomplished: smoked cigarettes, drank, smoked pot, done other drugs, snuck her boyfriend into her father's house, let him rummage her father's closet, let him call the police about this and not say she knew what happened. She became pregnant and was forced to have an abortion by her mother. During the time she was gone my husband and I met, and were engaged. I did not find out about all of the trouble she had been in until she was almost on her way back. She came back in Dec of 2013 at the age of 19. By January of 14 she left/was thrown out of our home because of the lies she told and never doing what she said she was doing. She came back and picked up right where she left off. The issue is that ALL of her family (mother, father, grandparents etc) all make empty threats and do not carry them out. No matter what she does it is always someone else's fault.
To present day: We are married, she is living with the same boyfriend she snuck into her father's house. He is not allowed at any family gathering. (he has spent time in jail and rehab all before turning 22). My issue is that I make 3 times the salary my husband does. We pay her car note, car insurance, she is carried on my health insurance, she is on our cell plan and we help out with school (we pay the remainder of what financial aid does not). She shows me NO respect. If I attempt to correct her I get "I am talking to my dad" if I offer advice she dismisses me. My husband says he tells her she has to respect me, but never in front of me and I certainly do not ever get an apology. I feel like an outsider in what is supposed to be my family. It is all fine and dandy as long as I pay and keep my mouth shut. But when I say anything I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am concerned for my financial future. She is in college but is in no rush to finish. Given her current course load it will take 5 1/2 years to complete a 4 year program. I will like I am going to be held hostage for these years. I am at the point where i want to get a bank account and put my paycheck there and let my husband handle her bills and he and I split our living expenses down the middle. I want to get my own cell plan so i don't have to get the messages about how we are about to go over on our data because she is using to much. I have a rent house. I want to see an attorney to draw up papers that i can be protected from her and her stupid mistakes she is never held accountable for.
Basically I am at my whits end and this is not what I signed up for. I am at a point where I don't even want to try to have a baby of our own, because i can't bring a child into this drama. I rid my life of drama years ago and here it is again. What do i do? I'm dammed if I do and dammed if i don't.
I couldn't read anything
I couldn't read anything after reading how much you support her financially. And she lives with a boyfriend? Please stop this nonsense!
Definitely separate finances and let your husband deal with her.
Definitely separate expenses
Definitely separate expenses now, pay 50/50 on your household expenses and let DH pay for all of her expenses. You are in the right position to see a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement. Otherwise, if you allow this situation to go on long you will be paying DH alimony AND a good part of your savings. If DH refuses the post-nuptial you can still get an annulment.
When I first married DH I found out I made much more than he did - he had not told the truth about his finances. Like you, I had SD on my insurance, and paid for the bills while DH put SD through the first 2 years of college. She treated me terribly, and DH took her side, saying, "SD says you make her feel uncomfortable", or some other vague accusation. This went on for 20 years (Boy! Was I blind!) until I finally had enough. I went to a lawyer to see what would happen if I divorced DH. He would have been eligible for a good part of my savings, possibly some of my retirement. I am still with DH and insisted on boundaries 4 years ago. One is that he must tell SD in front of me that she is to respect me as his wife. This has not happened yet. She is not allowed to darken my doorstep until this occurs. Also, because he gave so much money to SD, his retirement is minimal.
If you want to stay with this man, you are going to have to set boundaries now. As hard as it seems, it is a heck of a lot easier to get things straightened out now than later.
agree with this. with you as
agree with this. with you as main breadwinner, he can get a portion of your retirement or assets if her divorces. by caring for his daughter, you are using your sole earnings to support his daughter.
Here is my suggestion. Tell
Here is my suggestion. Tell DH that effective immediately he is responsible for all household and skid related bills. He is the man, he can man up and provide. If he can't afford both, then the Skid is cut off immediately except for health insurance. Better to cover her than get stuck with her medical bills if she catches some heinous disease from her drug and sex activities.
That is it. DH steps up ... or he steps out. That is the choice I would give him if I were you.
I completely understand that you are more than capable of supporting yourself but ... if DH will not man up then I would give him no choice.
Good luck.
^^ That ^^ ... and I'd do
... and I'd do that immediately... Move your money into a non joint account and wish him luck paying for HIS CHILD.
at twenty its time for her to
at twenty its time for her to grow up. agree 100 percent with the plan to separate finances with dh and but the cord. you are helping to support her and she treats you like a doormat. and she is still with the boyfriend who stole from your husband? where are your husbands balls. it sounds like you are money tree for both of them.
sd is NOT your responsibility. i would take her off the health plan. she is not your daughter.
agree with catlettuce on
agree with catlettuce on this. dh is using you and your money to fund thankless sd. you don't deserve this.
agree you take her off your health plan. she has no right to this. point her to the aca web site so she can get a plan of her own. and it there is a charge, let her father pay for this.
you dont get points for allowing yourself to be a doormat. in fact you will only be a more convenient one.
My husband and I recently
My husband and I recently went thru this with our 21 year old. She's his daughter, my SD. When we cut the financial cord, she just stopped paying all of her bills until she was 30 days from being evicted from her apartment (3rd eviction...at 21). Thankfully my husband didn't want her to move back home because the last time she was home was such a horrible experience.
At the time, she had 1 job where she worked 8-10 hours a week.
So, when he paid her rent and took over her rent payments, he first sat her down and said "for 6 months I will pay your rent, you will give me every paycheck and I will give you an allowance. And, you will pay me back every cent I am paying on your behalf." And, he did. She still owes him about 1,200 dollars (2 months rent), but by the end of the 6 months, she had gotten a full time job. He has an accounting ledger and every dime he paid out for her is being paid back.
A few years back, because of her, I told my husband that we could not have a joint banking account anymore - because I was living your life, so we split the accounts, and our bills. It took a bit of doing but my husband understood, he wasn't too happy, but he got it.
The only thing I am still paying for is her health care, because she's in the 90 days before her health care kicks in at her new job, and if she broke her arm w/o it, my husband would pay out of pocket for her hospital stay, but 30 more days, and she's on her own.
But, it took my husband her birth father to make this change happen.
I could have never said a word about it to her.