20 year old SD having slumber parties?
Forums:
Just wondering if this is normal 20 year old behaviour. My 20 year old skid is away at university. When she comes home at Christmas and the summer, she constantly wants to have friends sleep over here. She’s not a bad kid but I’m sick of the intrusion and the friends are never quick to leave. I’m tired of feeling like I run a hotel in our home. Help!
That would be a hard no for
That would be a hard no for me - no need for adult skids to have their friends sleep over on a regular basis. A night here and there where they fell asleep watching a movie, maybe. But not consistently.
This is one of those situations where IMO - YOUR feelings and needs should come ahead of SD's wants.
Agree. I just want to be
Agree. I just want to be reasonable and fair about this. If we cut her off, she will throw a tantrum. She’s a good kid but has epic meltdowns when things don’t go her way. We are both very cautious not to set her off. I just want to be sure this is a battle I want to take...
It makes me sad that your DH
It makes me sad for you that your DH is afraid of his daughter and can't set boundaries for your sake.
Maybe try asking her if they
Maybe try asking her if they can alternate houses?
It may be to cut down on drinking and driving
Does the SD never stay over at someone else's house? Does it not even out?
Rarely ever. This seems to be
Rarely ever. This seems to be the house of choice. And it’s not like they sleepover and leave. They sleepover and linger and sometimes it turns into a second night of sleepovers. But that being said, she’s away at school so it’s only an issue at Christmas and the summer
You need to take it up with
You need to take it up with DH and ask him to set some boundaries on this for YOUR SAKE. There is no need for her friends to spend days and days at your home, but she clearly hasn't been told that it's an issue for anyone.
This would make me nuts and would be a big nope for me.
He knows how I feel. I
He knows how I feel. I suggested a one night maximum hard stop at 22. Even that’s a big compromise. I think he’s on board but he needs to communicate that to her
Its touchy
I understand your DH not wanting to stop this. My DD has one friend who never reciprocates, because her mom lives in a very small apartment, BUT they send over food, like lasagna, the girls clean up after themsevles
ETA -- Everyone defines adult differently, but to me college is a gray area. When they are home for the holidays, they cannot be expected to have their own apt.
Why is it touchy? Why should
Why is it touchy? Why should a 20-year-old be allowed to invite her friends over for days at a time, without even asking the adults in the home?
It seems dad is ok with it.
Not certain if she asked him, but if he does not tell her to limit it, the issue should be addressed between OP and her DH.
I agree with that, but it
I agree with that, but it shouldn't be "touchy" in the slightest, except that they are both afraid of this girl. It's OP's home, too, she should have a say in this matter.
The SD is only home from a college on vacations
I think that both adults get some say.
Of course, and at this point
Of course, and at this point the SM has NO say.
Like I said, I can compromise
Like I said, I can compromise on this. My preference is zero sleepovers and we just entertain them for the evening. I’m willing to compromise on one night assuming they don’t linger the next day and there is an end in sight to this. Shoot me if she’s 25 and still uses this house as a hostel/hangout spot for friends!!
I think he likes having her
I think he likes having her around and tolerates the friends for the sake of those moments. But yes, I agree. I’ve communicated my needs and we need to set the boundaries together
I don’t see the need for
I don’t see the need for sleepovers at this point. She’s an adult with no curfew. She can go anywhere, anytime and stay out until she’s ready to sleep and go see her friends again when she wakes up?
Many of us agree with you.
Many of us agree with you. But if you guys are afraid of her, then nothing is going to change.
So in other words the other
So in other words the other parents can say no
If she wants to have a
If she wants to have a slumber party, tell Daddy Spineless to rent an AirBnB house for SD and her little friends. Or else he can pay for an all-inclusive, ultimate spa weekend for YOU.
My vote is "NO" for many reasons, but depending on the drinking
age YOU AND DH COULD BE IN BIIIIIGGGG TROUBLE FOR SUPPLYING ALCOHOL TO MINORS, and MAKE SURE YOUR HOME OWNER"S INSURANCE IS UP TO DATE in case there are any "accidents" (drowning in a pool, someone falling and breaking a bone etc.) I would work that angle with DH, "You know honey, I realize you love SD and want her to be happy, but I"m just worried we could be not only putting the girls in jeopardy, but also ourselves. The drinking age in our state is_______. Are we up to date on our insurance should there be a mis-hap?" I don't normally advocate not being straight forward, but you've already indicated daddy-pops isn't ready for his love fest to draw to a close. "Breaking up is hard to do." You will need to wean them off of each other. If your goal is a "hard NO at 22" you must start NOW.
On a different note, we have friends who have Air B&B's, etc. and from what they say about the vomit and other nastiness that "can" happen (it doesn't always) it's not pretty to have to clean up someone else's puke/pee etc.
I know we have friends who are hunters. It wasn't until I arrived on the scene that we started making EVERYONE (even their spouses) sign disclaimers/waivers in case there is dismemberment/death etc. You can never be too careful, and the "average Joe" isn't going to be the one to file suit against you, IT WILL BE A KNOWN ACQUAINTANCE OR FRIEND.
Boundaries are an excellent idea, however it is a process for EVERYONE to implement them, and most DH's and SD's do not "...go gently into that good night." This will give you time to ease into boundaries, if you come at him from a "caring perspective." If you may have been sort-of naggy before, make it seem like you've had an epiphany moment, and you are genuinely concerned for their safety.
Good luck. This is looney.
Your home, your "NO" is the
Your home, your "NO" is the final say. If DH has no balls to control his spawn, then he gets no say in what goes on in YOUR home.