Faith...it sounds like your SD's have some deep psychological issues like mine do. I try to understand these people and have attempted to see things from their perspective many a time but...because it never happened to me I might never understand. Instead I am on the other side of it. I am lucky enough to have had loving, nurturing but very strict parents. They never tolerated bad behavior and they still won't. Not that we ever challenged them...why would we, we knew the rules.

Someone said in another post once that the poor behavior skids exhibit has everything to do with their parents and how they handled the divorce and their kids' behavior thereafter. That must be it because I hardly if ever hear about poor behavior or entitled adult kids who come from a family that was not broken. I understand there are exceptions but from what I have observed there are not many.

SA has said it before, so has Shannon and a few others - disengaging is sometimes the ONLY answer and as sad as that is, it's also the safest for women in our position. I will say though that as hesitant as I was to just drop it and stop caring, now that I focus solely on SO and my relationship I have felt 100 times better about myself and soooo much more comfortable in this relationship. My SO hates the fact that I don't have an interest in his kids but it's also understood that he helped to create the animosity between myself and skids and it all started with him tolerating their bratty, inappropriate and uneccesary behavior. I don't put up with people's crap, particularly of those I don't even know which is the exact category SD's fall under. I maintain that it's THEIR loss, not mine. They are curious about me but won't ask or talk about me to their dad because that would mean I WIN in their eyes. Why bother showing an interest when we can just gang up on SM and blame her for all of our misfortunes and hardships! I know, let's start with the shit that happened when we were 5 and loooooong before she was around! That way we don't have to ask our mother to look in a mirror or take accountability for the shitty way we turned out!

Round and round we go...well for other SM's that choose not to disengage but for me...I'm not playing. Game over before it even starts. If SO has a problem with that I see it as HIS problem and not mine. They're his kids, for all I care he can continue to see them outside of my house. That's right...marathon daddy Sundays once a month while iloveit watches chick flicks and goes to kickboxing class...day to herself. Oops...looks like I WIN!!

"The sad reality of that many DH's don't want them to grow up."

I finally had to ask my SO this very question. Do you want them to be self-sufficient and independent? Do you want them to be resourceful and productive? Do you want them to rely on themselves and their own SO's for things when they are married someday? Do you want them to be successful? This is after he mentioned to me that it's hard to let his kids go off on their own and trust they will be ok. He said OF COURSE he wants them to depend on themselves and be independent and he claims he's giving them the tools. Well maybe you are trying and if you are I commend you for that but my parents "gave me the tools" and I took them to make a life of my own but never wanted to rely on them for everything in the first place your kids are the opposite. There's nothing wrong with these people except for the fact that their daddies don't trust the decisions they make, thus treating them like babies and then they have no confidence in themselves. They think they can't function without dad. I told him he kind of needs to toss them out and see what they can do on their own. I understand that's a difficult thing but people ALWAYS figure it out. They are old enough to ask friends, other family and when that's done, they have plenty of friends their age that I am sure would love to share an apartment with them. My SO says SD23 doesn't want to have a roommate. Well tough shit SD, you can't afford to live on your own on what you make and you are a college student. Everyone else had to go through it, why should you be any different? If you don't want a roommate you're going to be living at home and that gravy train is about to end pretty soon so it's either bunk up with a friend in an apartment, or pull up some bench/pavement and bunk up with a bum on the street! It's either one of those choose wisely.

I have said it before Shannon and I'll say it again...I don't even know how you deal with her being there. You've done an excellent job disengaging and I know that's the biggest part of it but still...the tension/stress it has added to your relationship is unbelievable, no wonder you hate her.

I think there is a huge difference between a person of near 30 working, functioning, paying their own bills etc and being home temporarily while actively looking for a place to live then a person of that age who can clearly afford to live on their own but has no plan to do it. I am blown away by people like your SD. Really?? NO INTEREST whatsoever to be on your own? It's really bizarre, such abnormal behavior if you ask me. I get that sometimes people need help but I tell you what, I'm more apt to help my child with a down payment on their first home or help with their wedding than I would be to pay all his/her bills at the age of 25 when they refuse to work! I can officially guarantee that it will NEVER be a situation of mine either. SO wants to raise his daughters to depend on him for every little thing, that's his problem but MY kids will be working, living on their own and paying for all of their responsibilities LONG before their mid 20's. If college is not in the cards they will be expected to get a full time job with benefits and take care of themselves. No mooching off mom and dad for years to come.

Your SD and mine have no sense of responsibility because they were not brought up to work hard for things, thus appreciating what they earn. Worse, they believe that dad is responsible for them simply because they exist on the planet! Do you think if your parents believed they would be responsible for you until the age of 40 or more they would have been so excited to have you??? NO! Of course not. A parent's job is to care for you until you can take care of yourself not when you WANT to take care of yourself. You don't get to decide when you are an adult, the LAW does that for you like it or not. 18 is a legal adult but to these daddies...18 is still a baby and they allow these now "women" to continue to behave as little girls. I understand that as a parent you might see them as little kids but the reality is...they can vote, they can drive, they can get an apartment on their own without parents' permission, they're probably having sex, can stay out til whenever they want with no curfew...ADULTS. However, it's hard to get it through to these fathers that this is the reality when they go changing laws to allow adults up to the age of 26 to be covered under mom and dad's health insurance! 26!! I can't even go down that road again it fires me up so much. So now Obama is deciding when it's appropriate for these adults to take the reigns and be in charge of their own life, even HE doesn't believe they are ready...at 26!!!! I bet you it would be a different story if he had adult children now wouldn't it?!

And rightfully so. It should scare him. Why not teach them about how to be productive adults when they are young?? Kids are like sponges, you can shape them to be the kind of people you want them to be. Why make them needy, self-rightous, manipulative, unproductive people??? If only some of these people would take some parenting classes or read some books! I realize no one is perfect but some of these mistakes/choices they make are just SO out there. I don't know if I could do better but so far I'm learning what is definitely UNACCEPTABLE by most standards!

I am also only 10 years older than my SO's youngest. Almost the exact same actually...I will be 31 this summer, she's 21 in summer also. I know this is a big part of it for them. OSD is 23 so that's even less of an age gap and she looks at me as a peer instead of a "mother" figure or a person of any authority. What she doesn't realize is that I have absolutely NO INTEREST in being that to her anyway. She already has a mother...even if she's a bad one, I still have no desire to step in even as a step mother. All I ask for is respect and acknowledgement and I have received neither from SD's after 2 years.

I would stand firm on how you feel about defending your own children, that is a motherly instinct...you love your kids of course you are going to stand by them and protect them. He might feel that way as well which is understandable to a point but that sounds to me also like he is being defensive almost like he thinks you question his ability to parent. My SO is like that also. I don't have my own children but any time he used to talk about SD's behavior and I offered advice or opinions he would blow up and say...their not your kids you don't understand. Ok, if that's the case then don't even bring them up if you're going to be defensive. I have no desire to parent YOUR children you fathered with that pathetic skank of an ex wife so just don't bother talking about them. I said, until you can discuss them with me like an adult, I will not be interested in any conversation about them. When we can be a team, I'm all ears. So after awhile he got it and now before I say anything I preface it and say...I think that was a great decision or, ok you're right about x HOWEVER...maybe you could try suggesting this. It seems to work with him. I don't know how your SO is with that but maybe you could try a different approach? It worked for me but it took me awhile to come to that point where I felt like if I switched it up it might go smoothly.