24 year old SS getting out of state prison soon and I am nervous
Hi, so glad to have found this site! My husband and I have been married for 12 years. I have a 24 year old son, 24 year old ss and a 22 year old ss. 2 out of 3 arent bad as my son and the 22 year old are grown and out and doing fine with their lives. The 24 year old SS has been incarcerated in another state for alcohol and drug related problems since May of last year.
It wasn't easy with any of them throughout our marriage but we got through it. My 2 ss lived with their mom across the country but we had them every summer and most holidays. But when SS24 was 17, he got into some trouble with drugs and drinking. My husband is 17 years sober. SS24's mom kicked him out and he came to live with us with pretty much no notice. That lasted 6 months as he continued to make poor choices. Typical husband being the guilty dad for not being with his kids 24/7 when they were young and I could not talk sense into SS24, then 17. Our marriage was suffering and we finally sent him back to his mother's house. Her marriage to her new husband suffered also and then at age 19 he was arrested the first time. He got off the hook by a miracle but was arrested again at age 20 for drugs. He went to the Salvation Army for rehab and a few months after decided it wasn't for him so he went AWOL for quite a long time and nobody knew where he was. Then trouble came again with a bad dui. My husband and his family got him some fancy lawyer who got the judge to give him another chance at rehab but the idiot took a prison sentence instead....obviously because he didn't want to get clean. And here my sober husband was enabling this mess and wouldn't admit to that.
Well SS24's release date is in a month and although I haven't been in touch with him and my husband hasn't, my mother in law who lives next door to us writes him, talks to his mother and now she tells me that he wants to come here when he gets out.
I like my life! We finally have time to do our thing. No more kids living with us! My husband was laid off but found another job he loves, although he took quite a pay cut. We both work long hours and are on a tight budget yet we are doing OK. I do not want this adult SS here. I have told my husband this. Honestly I don't think he wants him here either but he won't come out and say it. BUT I am afraid that meddling MIL might take him in and the only thing that separates us is a door with a lock on it. But we both have keys.
The first time SS24 came here when he was 17, I wasn't even asked if it was OK. And it wasn't fun....he was a slob and high all the time and a hs drop out who did nothing all day and that was when I told the hubby it was me or the SS, take his pick. I felt bad about that but I was miserable.
I have told my husband recently that I don't want him to come here when he is released but I am afraid hubby and MIL will have him here anyway....not because hubby would be thrilled but because he will do what his mother asks. Even if he went to stay with my MIL, I would still have him next door and that is too close for comfort. We can't afford to feed another mouth, he doesn't drive anymore, has nothing to his name. I am afraid if he comes here I will have to leave. Fool me once which was a few years ago. I don't think I can do this again.
Am I being selfish?
I am not afraid of
I am not afraid of leaving....been single before ( might be a breath of fresh air) because if SS24 ends up here, then to me that means my feelings do not matter. We live in a two family house so even if SS went with MIL, darn well he would be around. I work days, hubby works nights. This is MY me time. After work, the last thing I want to do is see people as I am beat. Plus MIL would most likely let him in our place with the key and she would have a fit if I changed the locks. I would have to lock up stuff....jewelry, meds and my fridge!
DH did say a while back that we should give him a hand up, not a hand out. I thought to myself WT#? And I said no more enabling and he never answered me after that. Then recently I brought it up again now that the release date is closer and he said not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. I can tell you this...things that have happened in our life I could have predicted so yeah I worry!
Yes I agree 100%. Change
Yes I agree 100%. Change the locks, who cares if your MIL gets mad. It's your house too.
Between husband and MIL
Between husband and MIL you've lost the battle and he's moving in with mother. Give it a go and see what trouble he causes.
You have right of refusal over who lives or even enters your home. Change the keys and MIL's ire be damned. Calmly and forcefully tell husband and MIL the answer is "no you are not giving extra keys" to mother or grandson. Tell them at the first sign someone has entered your house you will call the police. Don't argue just say no once and refuse to discuss it further. If he's on probation that's the last thing the boy needs.
If it comes down to it and he's allowed entry then you'll have to make your decision. Start by moving to a long term motel such as Suite 6 for a week and see what happens. It may just shock your husband enough he'll see the light.
I agree it's time to have a
I agree it's time to have a talk with your husband, but I don't agree with including your MIL in the talk. It's YOUR marriage, not your mother in law's. AFTER you and your husband are on the same page, THEN you can talk to your MIL.
I agree with
I agree with frustratedstepdad. The MIL does not need to be involved in your initial discussion with your DH. After you and DH have hammered out the details then you can include the MIL.
I understand your DH's desire
I understand your DH's desire to help out his son, too. If there is no option for a halfway house or other temporary housing that will help SS get on his feet, then his options are pretty limited. You're in a really tough spot.
I also would make treatment and therapy and AA (or other) meeting attendance and random drug testing mandatory if he is going to live with either you or MIL. Also an expectation for contributing to the household through some combination of employment, chores, etc. No free ride. He is an adult and must contribute as one.
Addicts can never be trusted. I bet even your DH, clean so long, sometimes struggles with his addiction, and many addicts fall prey to that strong craving even after many years. And you don't know how long, or even if, your SS had been clean. If SS isn't willing to do these things to assure you that he IS committed to living a clean life, then he has made his choice not to live with you. Have a list of homeless shelters available if that is his choice.
Your house, your rules. If SS agrees to live by them and does, then there needs to be an exit plan in place so he does not become dependent on living there. Job, savings, his own apartment, and an agreement that he can never move back in.
Addicts must be responsible for themselves and their own decisions. You put a set of choices in front of him (our house=these rules, or find someplace else to live). Can't be any other way. Your DH needs to recognize his own enabling behavior, too, and counseling for him with an addictions specialist would be important too.
Thank you for all the replies
Thank you for all the replies - I love this site! It was very late last night when I posted and there is more to the story that has gone on for years. If you want to read further, go get a coffee and kick back and relax......
We had our own home and the reason why we now share a two family with MIL is because her mother was living in the house and she passed away. MIL couldn't afford the mortgage and all the bills so we took it over and have a financial interest in the home now. When we moved in, SS24 was already across the country causing trouble.
Besides this drama, my husband's sister (she and her family live in the house next door), got into quite a bit of trouble. It's amazing because SIL was thought of as the good daughter and my husband was the "bad boy", until he sobered up. Are you sitting down?.... She embezzled close to $1M from her employer over a period of 12 years. So basically she started doing that when my DH and I were first married. She had a credit card problem, kept her kids in private schools, went on lavish vacations, etc. etc. - you get the picture. None of us had any clue as she made really good money at her job. Her husband didn't have to work hard and didn't have to bring home a good paycheck and his job was so-so. So anyway, 2 years ago she was finally caught, and after the last 2 years of hell with watching all this as it has been in our faces since her and her family live right next door, she is now in prison serving a 4.5 year sentence but should be out in 2.5 years. Besides serving time, there is a lien on their home for restitution, she owes the IRS a ton of money, owes her credit cards. Her husband (my BIL) lost his job and has lost his mind. Too depressed to look for work and has been out of work going close to a year now. My nephew is 16 and has a job, my niece is 21 and has a job and is paying for her own community college now. BIL's parents have passed and he's living on a small inheritance which will run out very soon. It's a big mess. But my MIL injected herself into the mess and is taking care of them with dinner, buying them groceries, etc. We do not know if their marriage is going to survive as my BIL is devastated. It really all shocked us pretty good when this all happened.
So to get away from the drama, my husband was still in his old job and not laid off from it yet. We decided to buy a piece of land in another state in the middle of nowhere and we put our camper on it. This is meant to get away on the weekends. He then got laid off but I told him I am happy eating bologna sandwiches every day, just to afford the payments on the land - it's our only outlet. We have been going up on the weekends which is nice.
With my husband's new job as a truck driver, he can basically transfer anywhere and we want to leave our lives behind and start new but it will take about 2 years. We have to get enough $ together to move and I also need to find a job and in this economy it's tough. We sat down with MIL and told her of our plans a couple of months ago. We told her we want to sell the house and she said she will sell but not until SIL gets out of prison. I have a feeling she might be moving in w/ MIL when she does. Her family might be if BIL loses the house and chooses to stay with her. It's all up in the air.
So it's hard being in this toxic situation and now with SS24 on the verge of getting out of prison it's just another thing added to the list.
I do love my husband but all this has definitely put a huge strain on our marriage. We are two ships passing in the night with our opposite work schedules but I think the best thing we did was buy our land so we can get away from it all when we are able to.
I do not see myself setting up boundaries for SS24. Been there, done that. He has been trouble for a long time and I believe until he gets clean and sober, he'll always be trouble. He is a grown man and needs to learn to do this on his own. I no longer have the energy to help ANYONE and if this were my own son, I'd feel the same way. Although I love my DH, I do not trust anything he or his family says because they will say one thing but when a situation actually happens, that all goes out the window and everyone is trying to play the hero.
Since I've already tried talking about it to him and I did mention it to my MIL, I'm going to hold off as lately I sound like a broken record to them. But when the actual time comes (which I am expecting it to be in about a month), and if I see them playing hero, I will need to leave. Not saying divorce but like some of you said - going somewhere temporarily as all of this is making me ill. DH is going to have to figure out how to pay the bills as I'll need my paycheck to live elsewhere.
We did counseling - and it fizzled out - DH didn't like it. I still go and the counselor agrees that I'm stuck in the middle of a mess. She said to my DH once, "Who is your wife? Your mother or K.C.?"
Not selfish at all. You
Not selfish at all. You should take care of yourself first.
For me, I have told my husband that I will never live with my SD again. If he feels compelled to do so, he can. I feel like it isn't my place to tell a parent that they can't bring in their kid,. However, I can decide what is right for me.
You would be surprised how changing the wording changes the perception. Instead of being on defensive, hubby begins to visualize living with his kid, alone, without your support.
I don't threaten to divorce, just live apart while he chooses to live with his kid. It has worked well for me so far. My DH does not want to live with his SD instead of me. I don't say it rudely, just that I couldn't' handle it.
I would change the locks the very first time there is unauthorized access.
Not sure if I confused anyone
Not sure if I confused anyone but in talking about selling the house and moving - we want to move onto our land out of state and build a small home on it. It was only meant for vacation but as we fell more in love with the area, we have decided we want to live there.
Ouch, it's like living in a
Ouch, it's like living in a soap opera! Too much drama, I feel for you.
Well, if it comes to that, maybe go to that little spot of land you bought? Take a nice solo vacation and get away from all of them for a week or two.
You never know though, it's at least theoretically possible that SS has cleaned up his act since being in prison. It does happen. Even if he has though, keep your distance - it's astoundingly tough for addicts who got clean in prison to STAY clean once they get out.
As for your DH's "hand up, not hand out", well, I see that. But he has to WANT to do it himself, he has to WANT to work for it. If all he wants is what's easy, then you can enable him but never help him.
People tell me I can write a
People tell me I can write a book LOL! Seriously - this land is so "off the grid", I don't think I want to be there by myself - moose and black bear in the yard daily when we are there. I have my gun permit in many states but it's for self defense and I'd need a big caliber rifle (which I do not have) to defend myself there and I could not shoot an animal - that would be hard!
I know he has not cleaned up his act. There are so many drugs in prison. And if he cleaned up his act, wouldn't one think he would get in contact with my DH? My DH set up a phone account - not one phone call from him. DH wrote him a few times and never got a letter back so he stopped writing him. If he wanted to get sober, he should have gone to rehab when the court gave him a chance. I am afraid for my own safety when I have been around him by myself. When he was high he was mean and the look in his eyes was scary! The only people he writes to is my SIL who is also in prison and my MIL. Because they enable him. When he was here they took good care of him.
It's all very toxic.
Well the good thing is, every
Well the good thing is, every time we go to our camp it is harder for dh to come home. He hates coming home. Maybe he will get it someday. So far it is the best thing we ever did. At least we have an escape for now. All I can do is see what unfolds once SS24 gets out and if he moves here, I know I need to leave the house or the resentment will be really bad and I am not a nice person when that happens. I know I am projecting as nothing had happened yet but in a way at least I am preparing myself and I won't be one bit surprised if it does happen. Now I need to put pen to paper and make a ME budget just to be ready.
You got that right! If I
You got that right! If I were younger I could probably handle things better but I'm pushing 50 this year and enough is enough!