CREAKY spots on the stairs and in the hall, not  creepy. Sorry, can't remember how to edit these.

I've been thinking the same thing about fish and guests. It's an improvement that I got to 3-1/2 days.

I constantly remind myself that she's uncomfortable around me. I try to chat with her, be positive. I have NEVER gotten upset about noise (heck she has a bunch of stepbrothers, I'm USED to noise and she knows it!) And then she comes creeping in again and it just drives me NUTS. Quite a few times, I've jumped at suddenly seeing her and she looks contrite but with a little bit of a smile and says she didn't mean to scare me. So she KNOWS what effect her creeping around has and she keeps right on doing it.

"At loose ends" is a good way of putting it. I did broach this with him before she came, saying I don't expect her to be in the muck with me, far from it, but if something comes up like, "I'm up to my ears in muck, can you get the dog back in the field?" I'd like to know I'm not going to find the dog instead far from home an hour later. He talked a bit about her learned helplessness, acknowledging the problem and then turned the conversation to my daughter's issues. [She has some definitely...but she's not at our house making them his problems.] The lesson I got from this is, he gets defensive.

I'm not sure either of them would agree to a weekend for the price of a ticket to get here.

An update: DH and I talked a long time this morning about this. While he said she's always moved quietly (but it got worse with the previous stepmother) he's equally frustrated with the same issues I am.

He said he's talked to her repeatedly about interrupting and changing the subject and he doesn't know how long to keep saying this, given she's an adult and him telling her this has done no good so far. 

He talked about repeately asking her to do small jobs (like setting the table), and how she'll do literally ONE job at a time and if he asks her to do 2 or 3 small jobs she'll do just one. If he says Will you sweep the floor and set the table, she'll sweep the floor. And he just doesn't have the time to stand there and remind her of the other jobs.

He said he's talked to her about just coming down around 5 pm and checking in, Can I help with dinner, can I set the table? And no matter how often he reminds her, she just doesn't.

He talked to her about it the other night when it was clear to him I was upset about some things and he said she seems genuinely completely unaware that I'm even irritated.

We also talked about some of where she's been in her past with attracting 'friends' who put huge emotional demands on her, calling her at all hours, wanting her to talk them through their troubles, essentially threatening her with, "If you don't do this for me you don't care about me" or "If you don't do this for me I might commit suicide." He talked about how far she's come in setting boundaries with such people and no longer allowing herself to be manipulated.

We talked about why she lets such people in as friends (probably low self-esteeml, not thinking she can find anyone who treats her better). 

He talked about some of the ways she's come a long way from, having major stomach issues and anxiety attacks over the smallest things, over literally seeming unable to make her own meals (her roommates were helping her) to expanding her diet and making her own food. He talked about how previously she woiuld melt down if he tried to get her to think about finances..but now at 24 she's been doing well with savings and talking to realtors about getting into a home rather than renting and seeing how her finances are, in paying for her expenses and managing her money, including a great deal of savings she has, while earning her master's degree.

It helped me to see what a very dark place she was in, in so many ways, even in addition to her mother dying just days before her 14th birthday and this stepmother who really was cruel, and that she is making steady (if frustratingly slow) progress while remembering that she's overcome many other issues and is still a work in progress.

So it's good to know DH and I are on the same page. He sees the problems. He agrees they're problems. The question remains how to help her with the issues I've talked about here, which her dad is also frustrated with. 

How do we help her to get that adults, when they visit, simply pitch in and help with day to day stuff?

We talked about the farm work. I continue to say that the farm work IS NOT her responsibility when she's visiting. I NEVER want her visits to be 'come here and work.' My feelings on this are stronger than DH's who says, Hey, there's a lot of work here, you need to pitch in.

But we also discussed that DH and I didn't set out on this life. For various reasons we ended up here and from someone who used to be in a very different, urban life, I've found it surprisingly rewarding to be among the animals, trees, and plants and as DH and I talked we thought that confidence and esteem is a major problem with her and as per OUR OWN experiences, we think that she might find a lot of healing, confidence, and esteem if she would just spend time among these animals and fruit trees and such. If she would even just trail after me and chat with me while I care for the animals and plants even if she's doing nothing herself.

Well we expect her back around Thanksgiving so we have three months to think about things and that we're on the same page and that we come back to...how can we help her. I have obviously been frustrated with her. But my conversation with DH this morning has helped ME remember that the goal is always to help our kids grow up and deal with whatever they need to deal with.

An update: DH and I talked a long time this morning about this. While he said she's always moved quietly (but it got worse with the previous stepmother) he's equally frustrated with the same issues I am.

He said he's talked to her repeatedly about interrupting and changing the subject and he doesn't know how long to keep saying this, given she's an adult and him telling her this has done no good so far. 

He talked about repeately asking her to do small jobs (like setting the table), and how she'll do literally ONE job at a time and if he asks her to do 2 or 3 small jobs she'll do just one. If he says Will you sweep the floor and set the table, she'll sweep the floor. And he just doesn't have the time to stand there and remind her of the other jobs.

He said he's talked to her about just coming down around 5 pm and checking in, Can I help with dinner, can I set the table? And no matter how often he reminds her, she just doesn't.

He talked to her about it the other night when it was clear to him I was upset about some things and he said she seems genuinely completely unaware that I'm even irritated.

We also talked about some of where she's been in her past with attracting 'friends' who put huge emotional demands on her, calling her at all hours, wanting her to talk them through their troubles, essentially threatening her with, "If you don't do this for me you don't care about me" or "If you don't do this for me I might commit suicide." He talked about how far she's come in setting boundaries with such people and no longer allowing herself to be manipulated.

We talked about why she lets such people in as friends (probably low self-esteeml, not thinking she can find anyone who treats her better). 

He talked about some of the ways she's come a long way from, having major stomach issues and anxiety attacks over the smallest things, over literally seeming unable to make her own meals (her roommates were helping her) to expanding her diet and making her own food. He talked about how previously she woiuld melt down if he tried to get her to think about finances..but now at 24 she's been doing well with savings and talking to realtors about getting into a home rather than renting and seeing how her finances are, in paying for her expenses and managing her money, including a great deal of savings she has, while earning her master's degree.

It helped me to see what a very dark place she was in, in so many ways, even in addition to her mother dying just days before her 14th birthday and this stepmother who really was cruel, and that she is making steady (if frustratingly slow) progress while remembering that she's overcome many other issues and is still a work in progress.

So it's good to know DH and I are on the same page. He sees the problems. He agrees they're problems. The question remains how to help her with the issues I've talked about here, which her dad is also frustrated with. 

How do we help her to get that adults, when they visit, simply pitch in and help with day to day stuff?

We talked about the farm work. I continue to say that the farm work IS NOT her responsibility when she's visiting. I NEVER want her visits to be 'come here and work.' My feelings on this are stronger than DH's who says, Hey, there's a lot of work here, you need to pitch in.

But we also discussed that DH and I didn't set out on this life. For various reasons we ended up here and from someone who used to be in a very different, urban life, I've found it surprisingly rewarding to be among the animals, trees, and plants and as DH and I talked we thought that confidence and esteem is a major problem with her and as per OUR OWN experiences, we think that she might find a lot of healing, confidence, and esteem if she would just spend time among these animals and fruit trees and such. If she would even just trail after me and chat with me while I care for the animals and plants even if she's doing nothing herself.

Well we expect her back around Thanksgiving so we have three months to think about things and that we're on the same page and that we come back to...how can we help her. I have obviously been frustrated with her. But my conversation with DH this morning has helped ME remember that the goal is always to help our kids grow up and deal with whatever they need to deal with.

An update: DH and I talked a long time this morning about this. While he said she's always moved quietly (but it got worse with the previous stepmother) he's equally frustrated with the same issues I am.

He said he's talked to her repeatedly about interrupting and changing the subject and he doesn't know how long to keep saying this, given she's an adult and him telling her this has done no good so far. 

He talked about repeately asking her to do small jobs (like setting the table), and how she'll do literally ONE job at a time and if he asks her to do 2 or 3 small jobs she'll do just one. If he says Will you sweep the floor and set the table, she'll sweep the floor. And he just doesn't have the time to stand there and remind her of the other jobs.

He said he's talked to her about just coming down around 5 pm and checking in, Can I help with dinner, can I set the table? And no matter how often he reminds her, she just doesn't.

He talked to her about it the other night when it was clear to him I was upset about some things and he said she seems genuinely completely unaware that I'm even irritated.

We also talked about some of where she's been in her past with attracting 'friends' who put huge emotional demands on her, calling her at all hours, wanting her to talk them through their troubles, essentially threatening her with, "If you don't do this for me you don't care about me" or "If you don't do this for me I might commit suicide." He talked about how far she's come in setting boundaries with such people and no longer allowing herself to be manipulated.

We talked about why she lets such people in as friends (probably low self-esteeml, not thinking she can find anyone who treats her better). 

He talked about some of the ways she's come a long way from, having major stomach issues and anxiety attacks over the smallest things, over literally seeming unable to make her own meals (her roommates were helping her) to expanding her diet and making her own food. He talked about how previously she woiuld melt down if he tried to get her to think about finances..but now at 24 she's been doing well with savings and talking to realtors about getting into a home rather than renting and seeing how her finances are, in paying for her expenses and managing her money, including a great deal of savings she has, while earning her master's degree.

It helped me to see what a very dark place she was in, in so many ways, even in addition to her mother dying just days before her 14th birthday and this stepmother who really was cruel, and that she is making steady (if frustratingly slow) progress while remembering that she's overcome many other issues and is still a work in progress.

So it's good to know DH and I are on the same page. He sees the problems. He agrees they're problems. The question remains how to help her with the issues I've talked about here, which her dad is also frustrated with. 

How do we help her to get that adults, when they visit, simply pitch in and help with day to day stuff?

We talked about the farm work. I continue to say that the farm work IS NOT her responsibility when she's visiting. I NEVER want her visits to be 'come here and work.' My feelings on this are stronger than DH's who says, Hey, there's a lot of work here, you need to pitch in.

But we also discussed that DH and I didn't set out on this life. For various reasons we ended up here and from someone who used to be in a very different, urban life, I've found it surprisingly rewarding to be among the animals, trees, and plants and as DH and I talked we thought that confidence and esteem is a major problem with her and as per OUR OWN experiences, we think that she might find a lot of healing, confidence, and esteem if she would just spend time among these animals and fruit trees and such. If she would even just trail after me and chat with me while I care for the animals and plants even if she's doing nothing herself.

Well we expect her back around Thanksgiving so we have three months to think about things and that we're on the same page and that we come back to...how can we help her. I have obviously been frustrated with her. But my conversation with DH this morning has helped ME remember that the goal is always to help our kids grow up and deal with whatever they need to deal with.