Acceptance vs. Tolerance
Hello, I am new to this forum. I am engaged...and have actually postponed marriage because of my 20-year-old step daughter. SD is, in my opinion, a sex addict, drug addict and alcoholic in the making. Honestly, I loathe her. I have son who is in elementary school and have forbidden SD from being in our house: she lies, steals and is so promiscuous I'd rather not share a bathroom with her. My fiancee wants me to accept her but I cannot. In my mind she's a tornado of dustruction I want far from my kid, my life and my house...at this point I'm wondering if I should aim toward acceptance when I feel my job is to protect my kid and my home. Any suggestions? This adult SD is a true contentious issue...my fiancee says I cannot really accept her unless I accept the tornado SD. I would only accept her into my life if she stays clean, sober and keeps her hands off my things and money.
It's not going to get any better.
Why even continue to entertain thoughts of marrying?
Your first and most important priority is to raise your minor child in a home that is safe and secure. I would never KNOWINGLY subject a minor child to a person who has addictions, when they don't need to be exposed to it.
If your partner can't provide that by banning this adult daughter from the home, with promises to never change that agreement, then don't get married. Move out, and on. Very simple.
I own the house, my fiancee
I own the house, my fiancee isn't on mortgage so she'd have to move out.
SD is not allowed on the property: I refuse to expose my kid to her bs of a lifestyle.
I love my fiancee but her adult kid is too much to swallow. We may try counseling...because we're at an impasse right now.
The good news is it's your house.
So many people find themselves in this situation and have nowhere to go or no legal recourse. If you can go to counseling with her, that's a good start - but it is her child.
Just remember - when the SD sinks to a very bad place, it will be human nature for her mom to pick her up and help her as best she can. That's when you will probably be challenged and implored to give SD a chance.
I have a cousin who had a terrible time with his son. Drugs, drinking, promiscuity, chronic lying, theft, - you name it. The son wound up living on the streets for several years as my cousin kicked him out and would not take him in again.
I don't know exactly what miracle occurred but at some point the kid got tired of it. Cleaned himself up, got sober, employed and eventually met someone and they've been living happily ever after for more than 10 years now. So good endings can happen. IMO, I think a big factor was my cousin refusing to take his son back in. The kid had to sink, swim or die on his own. It was a heartbreaking decision for my cousin but it did pay off.
In my experience, this is the only good outcome story that I know of. Most of the time people may be able to jump off the addiction merry-go-round for awhile but staying off is a lifetime commitment. It's hard to ignore those enticing lights and music so they often jump back on.
Unfortunately, the family (usually mothers/fathers) wind up paying the ticket and suffering the after effects. Along with anyone else who is living with them - like you might be.
Yikes.
Therapist is likely going to want you to compromise.
I would feel 100% like you. Sometimes compromise is just not acceptable.
Another thing I would like to state: sometimes love is not enough.
Keep you and your child safe.
Well, here's the thing. I
Well, here's the thing. I doubt she's going to stop having sex, drinking and taking drugs so you can be her stepmother. In fact, she's probably not wild about you either -- assuming she's like all the other skids mentioned on this site.
If you want distance from her, you probably know what you need to do.
If you don't want to break it off with your fiancee, she's telling you that you must accept SD. So, there's your choice.
I guess she doesn't see anything wrong with SD's lifestyle?
How does your fiancee answer
How does your fiancee answer the question "how do you plan to protect me and mine from SD?? " Can she even accept reality about who her daughter is?
Denial is a strong force to go up against.
I'd love to shake your hand,
I'd love to shake your hand, sir. Good job on having clarity and your priorities straight!
Acceptance is recognizing the problem; that this is who your fiancee's ADULT daughter is, that you have no control over another adult's behavior, and that this behavior is not compatible with your beliefs and responsibilities.
Tolerance is defined as: the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.
So you've accepted that your fiancee's adult daughter is a substance abusing trollop, you're just not willing to tolerate her unacceptable behavior and prioritize pleasing your fiancee over your responsibility to provide your minor child with a safe and healthy environment.
Since this hot mess is an adult, what would your fiancee like you to do? Give her daughter run of the house? Let her move in with you? Support her financially? Enable her self destructive behaviors by ignoring them? What is this mother doing to help her daughter so she can be more socially acceptable?
Toxic people should never be
Toxic people should never be accepted or tolerated. Regardless of whether they are family or not.
While I rarely advise anyone to put a kid over an equity life partner this fortunately doesn’t fall in that bucket. You are not choosing your minor child over your SO. You are choosing to protect your minor child from SO’s toxic alky, druggy whore of an adult daughter.
You are being a responsible parent. If SO can’t recognize that, she isn’t equity life partner material.
Take care of you. Take care of your boy. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Stick to your guns on this.
NO - you do not have to
NO - you do not have to accept the unacceptable. Your partner should be free to see her pathetic crotch dropping - but NOT IN YOUR HOME.
Acceptance should mean that you accept what the SD is - and you do not want that in your life. I have a horrible adult SS. He is banned from my home and life. I did not go into a litany of how horrible SS is - I just said "keep him away from me". I bite my tongue almost daily about how bad SS is, but I do.
That's part of the compromise. I do not badmouth his child and he does not force the child on me. DH is free to see his son. Just not in MY home.
I CANNOT SEE IT GETTING BETTER
SD's parent will continue to enable her, and go into "rescue mode" when SD has a meltdown.
Your first obligation is to your minor child. I had extended family members who were addicts, and I refused to allow them near me or my minor children. Dr. Laura would tell you not to even contemplate marriage until the minor child is 18 and out of the home.
You seem like a very sesible man, and while I realize the fish bowl looks much different from the inside than it does from the outside, I believe you know in your heart you need to R-U-N for the door and not look back! Your future self(and little boy) will thank you for your wisdom.