Adult Step daughter and Christmas
Well here we are again another stressful Christmas looming. I have not seen my step daughter for nearly two years now due to her behaving very badly when my father passed away and causing havoc in the household so that all attention was on her and we did not get time to grieve or even bury my father before her tantrums started (aged 18) she decided to pick the week after my father died to tell my partner what a terrible father he was (he is always there for her and she is very spoilt) just a build up of jealousy I believe over the years. I said enough was enough at that time as I had spent too many years being hurt by both children and being unsupported by my partner, I said I wanted an apology for her behaviour the week of the funeral she flatly refused and has not spoken to me or my adult children now for over a year, I last saw her 2 years ago. My partner still sees her but their relationship is strained and refuses to come to our house still. So this year I was looking forward to a stress free Christmas as no adult step kids to deal with (my partner saw them on boxing day last year) when suddenly my partner announced today that she was coming to visit on Xmas eve and he hoped that was okay. Unhappy does not come close I am so hurt he does not seem to have considered how hurt and angry I still am and my children want nothing to do with her. They have tried so hard over the years only to be made to feel like rubbish. She tolerated us and it was obvious as soon as she turned 17 she turned her back on us and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with us. I'm so upset I do not want my Christmas ruined again each year she causes upset and tension and I can't face it anymore life is too short. My partner is now very upset and expects me to welcome her with a hug and all is forgotten if she didn't have enough respect to say sorry a year and a half ago and has shown no remorse this is to much to ask I think, my daughter who comes home from uni (same age) is furious and said she wants nothing to do with her as she has spent to long watching her treat us both like crap. I'm lost and so fed up.
I think you have to just be
I think you have to just be straight up and say no.
If your partner wants to spend Christmas with his daughter, he can do it elsewhere.
Or if that is a problem, you and your kids go elsewhere. You don't need the stress and aggravation her visit is going to cause.
It's so detrimental to your physical health.
3 years ago, my ex wanted to bring his spoilt bratty adult daughter/mini wife to my family's home for Christmas.
I said, "no it's not happening. My parents are elderly, and I'm not having our happy Christmas spoiled by your surly daughter with her bad attitude"
The two of them went elsewhere
I agree. He sees her
I agree. He sees her elsewhere or you go elsewhere (hard during COVID). He should never have invited her or agreed without talking to you. There's still time to change plans.
I agree. Either they get
I agree. Either they get together on their own or you and your kids go do something fun while she's there at your house. Please lock up anything you don't want to "mysteriously" disappear.
Does one of your adult
Does one of your adult children have their own place where you can visit on Christmas Eve? Does the SD have her own place where your partner can go to visit her? There is no way I would play the gracious hostess to this SD. Your partner's expectations on that front are unreasonable - give her a hug and forget about her past treatment of you? Is he delusional? Let him know that you do not wish to spend Christmas Eve with his daughter who has treated you so poorly.
If you don't have another place to go (it's hard with covid unless your kids or parents have homes nearby) and he insists on her visiting, I would simply ignore her. Do not cook for her, do not engage with her. And remember how your partner treated you, and who he prioritized, on this Christmas Eve.
+++ to all of the above
If this were my DH, I'd make it loud and clear that he has to choose whether to spend the day with me or with his brat. If the skid were behaving civilly, I'd reign in my anger somewhat, but with the POS skid you describe, there's no way I'd put up with the invasion. Especially in plague times. At a minimum, I'd lock myself in the bedroom with noise-cancelling headphones and pizza deliveries all day through the bedroom window.
This is your house too. Don't you have any say in what happens there?
It sounds like a godd time to
It sounds like a godd time to plan a meal out with your own children away from the house if that is possible.
Thank you
Thank you so much all . You do start to feel like you're going a bit crazy don't you? Is it me? I ask myself often. So it has been good to hear you have all reacted in the same way as me so I am not a bad person!
Do keep us posted. Listen to
Do keep us posted. Listen to the above posters. You're not going crazy at all. At the very least you're evening the playing field. DH makes his Christmas plans without consulting you and expects you to deal. Make your own and he can deal with that. Fair's fair.
This is a classic scenario of between the 2 of you, you are
Easier to bully or force into submission. He is terrified of his daughter because of her adultbaby tantrums.
so you need to make it that he fears upsetting you more over and above his adult daughter. He knew your boundaries and disrespected them and wants you to kiss and make up??
my husband tried this on me, 2 years of not seeing skids or having any conversation or relationship including ss22.5 who lived in our marital home. He claimed his daughters apologized so why not give them a chance.
reality is hubby told off his eldest daughter as she knew she was being disrespectful and instead of owning up to it, she claimed she was sorry if she upset anyone or did anything wrong. That isn't an apology!! Its saying you did nothing wrong but you want daddy to shut his mouth!!
i am firm to not want any relationship with skids. I have been stuck away from my husband and raising a 3 & 4 yr old alone for the past 9 months, i want nothing to do with skids and i will not yoyo my kids into a fake relationship with skids purely because they are half related by blood. Thank god my kids do not resemble skids (they are all replicas of bio mum)
Forgiveness
I personaly believe in forgiveness. But it has to start with Heart feld appology.
I want to know why you are sorry for your words and actions.
The best of luck Jake
Let us know, Tired
How this ends up turning out! I find myself wishing I could more often hear the end of the stories on this site. Did you speak to DH? Did you make separate plans with your kids yet?
I agree with everyone who says he'll need to choose where to spend his holiday but he doesn't get you AND SD until she offers a sincere heartfelt apology and you accept that. Only then could you possibly try to mend fences. What is it with people who prefer sweeping all their problems under the rug??
your DH and SD can meet away from home...IMHO
I wouldn't want or trust her in my home and I certainly wouldn't go out of my way, especially with the pandemic, being cold and flu season and with two young children, leave my home to accommodate DH and the SD. I wouldn't accommodate him or her for their meeting. Nope. She wouldn't be welcome in my home at all. But that's me.