Adult step son mooches and does nothing all day
My husbands son moved in with us when he was 14. He went to highschool, but we quickly realized that he harboured the opinion that he "couldn't do it", even though he's a smart kid, he was eventually put into remedial and phased out of classes entirely because of his inability and unwillingness to complete his work. His mother had him diagnosed with learning disabilities, leaving an otherwise smart kid with the belief that he does not have to do his work because of "disabilities" that both his father and I have found out DO NOT EXIST, except to the benefit of his mothers bank account. The last resort, both the school and we decided, was to try and get his highschool education via doing his GED through a program called "trade start". He began this at 16, and he still hasn't finished it.
Fast forward five years, and we have a 19 yr old living with us who avoids getting a job and will even run off to his mothers if he feels too much pressure (this has happened 2 times now- he shakes and cries and says, "you can't keep my from my mom!" when we tell him it is obvious that he's avoiding responsibility. He has been out of school and work for four years, sleeps in until noon, does not make attempts to work, eats all of the food, plays video games. His room is a trashpile, with mouldy dishes and dirty clothes everywhere. He evades responsibility in the house as well, disappearing rather than helping. We TRY to motivate and guide him, but it does not seem to work.
His father thinks he is a young nineteen year old, sure, but I can't shake the obvious feeling that we are doing him NO favours by letting him laze around like this. I try to help him find work, but when postings come up he says "oh, I can't count change", or "I cant work there because I dont like someone that works there", the excuses go on and on. It INFURIATES me, as he is freeloading off of us in a situation where his dad does physical labour, nearly killing himself all day long, I work multiple jobs, just to get by, while he has this attitude. It is getting to the point where it's ruining our marriage. It is also becoming very hard to be pleasant around him. Recently he announced to me that there was no point getting a job because he plans to leave in the spring.. when I asked about his plans, there weren't any real plans, so, another excuse. Ever since I have found that I am feeling real hatred and disgust towards him. I can barely stand the sight of him.. which isn't a great feeling. What to do?! This kids lazy attitude towards life has taken over all of my husbands and my conversation lately, consuming our lives, day and night.
we have a 19 yr old living
we have a 19 yr old living with us who avoids getting a job and will even run off to his mothers if he feels too much pressure
I would put A LOT of pressure on him and make sure he stays at his mother's.
He is 19, your DH should be requiring more out of him and no, neither of you are doing him any favors.
The kindest thing
The kindest thing disrespectful, rude SAdults can do for us...it stay away.....
The kindest thing
The kindest thing disrespectful, rude SAdults can do for us...it stay away.....
Why are you two stopping him
Why are you two stopping him from going to his mother's? Why?
Let go.
Dad needs to let go. This young man gets to choose his life now. He's chosen it. But YOU two do not have to pay for it.
Tell your dh that as a couple you no longer have any influence on the young man. You've tried for five years and bupkis. So let little birdie fly to mama.
If this conversation does not go well, tell dh that ss goes to bm's or both of them do. You are done.
I luvv skids running away
}:) I luvv skids running away from responsibilities....
Aergia use to do this since she was 13, last time she came back from BM - I simply said to SO.... this is it, she needs to learn to cope in life and you and BM is of no help. If she moves out again she will not be allowed back, visits yes, living no!! (SO was not hapy about it then) Well age 17 Aergia decided it's time to move to BM, SO started parenting, I disengaged, our house was no more fun..... SO asked me last night if I noticed Aergia has not been at home for 2 weeks...
I replied yes, did she move to BM's again? He does not know and he decided to change the locks, thus Aergia has no keys anymore.... I kept on saying are you sure, what if BM kicks her out ... you know the fake lets support the skid...
Well apparently Aergia informed him this morning she's moving back after school and SO simply told her, you can drop by after work, and I will take you back after you collected what ever you need, we have plans for the week-end..
SO also told me Aergia is out when am I moving back - I smiled and said, you know me Hon, I said I will maybe move back once she's out of the house, thus finished school and moved towns, and that only in 14 months..... SO is not happy again lol.... but I do not trust him,
Thus make your SS's life hell at your home, you and DH, give him chores, he can earn his keep, cleaning the house daily, do laundry for him and DH, work in the garden what ever you can come up with and he will not be back
Plans to leave? I think it
Plans to leave? I think it is time to hand him a couple of garbage bags, tell him to go pack, and call the locksmith to rekey the locks. If he wants to go to mommy's place... so be it. Give him a hand drawn map to the nearest highway ovepass so he will know where to go if the weather gets too bad.
Good riddance to his departure IMHO. He is 19, he needs to live his choices without you and daddy mitigating the consequences for him.
Take a few long breaths and
Take a few long breaths and remember that this happens to MANY bio families. The desire to nuture and help a "child" can be overwhelming and all consuming. Add to that the guilt that many feel over not having an intact nuclear family and presto! You create the many disasters we see here.
Here are my suggestions:
* Start some meditation, yoga, relaxation therapy, anything to help you to lower your anger and frustration. Once you can talk calmly about this you might be surprised by the more positive response by SO. When you and SO are in conflict over SK it allows SO to focus his energy on you instead of the SK. By removing the fight with you, he has little choice but to deal with SK. It also lowers your blood pressure!
* Repeat to yourself "Not my circus, Not my monkeys". This is not your child and ultimatly not your responsibility. The more you do, the less BM, SO, and the kid himself does. Take a giant step back. Quit doing ANYTHING for him and if SO asks what you think about SK, repeat the above and add, I think it would be better if you handled the situation. WALK AWAY and CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!
* If the kid runs to Mommy, let him. If he asks to come back, repeat the line to your SO, "I think it would be better if he did not come back".
* Do not do anything for SK while he is living in your home. Do not help SO to enable SK. SK might have to have a tough reality check but if he asks to use your car, buy food, clothes, or do his laundry, politely say "it would be better if you did that yourself". This line works much better than NO. No causes the SK or SO to go off the rails and try to change that no to a yes. It becomes a about how you are mean, selfish, unkind, etc etc. I used it for years and found that it defuses a battle everytime..
Thanks everyone. Had a read
Thanks everyone. Had a read Irish level melt down on him this morning, I don't know what came over me. I mentioned to his dad infront of him, let your son take the garbage out. He protested saying he cannot because 7am is too early for him. The general level of cluelessness is beyond me. I can't handle it anymore. He literally sits with his thumb up his butt all day and then says this?? INSULTING to his father, as well.
I should mention, there is a complication to our situation. We are living in his grandmothers house, she is still alive and on the scene, just up the hill. So of course, he runs to her, and she responds with "My grandson will NOT be out on the street!!!" So, yeah, complicating things further. The kicking out and being locked out has happened in the past, but gramma orders her son to let him stay. I of course know that it is none of her business but she of course knows it is. EXHAUSTING
Oh my step son responded
Oh my step son responded saying it was too early.. btw.