Adult stepdaughter pretends I don’t exist
I don't know what to do here. My adult step daughter told her father she thinks I am awkward, she doesn't like being around me, thinks I changed him, and she doesn't want anything to do with me. This is what she told him when he asked her to attend our wedding via a free vacation for her and her family.
Background: We have dated for 5.5 years. I have 2 kids still at home that love my new husband. He had been divorced for almost 19 years when we met. Adult stepdaughter's mother remarried when stepdaughter was young and she has a half brother from her ex step dad, who is still a part of her life as well.
i didn't meet my stepdaughter until we dated over a year. We had some dinners here and there and got together at her and her new boyfriends house for a few years. I thought things were ok until she got married and got pregnant with her first child. It was either that or when her dad sold his house and moved in with me, which was right after she got married and was pregnant.
After that, I was never welcomed again. I have always gotten her nice gifts from day one for every holiday/birthday/etc. I always was left out and had to keep my mouth shut and did so (like she had her mom and dad be introduced together as a couple into her wedding and exit the wedding as a couple even though they both had us dates there together .... I thought it was weird but I never said one word).
I don't know what I have done wrong to have her not even acknowledge our marriage nor myself. I don't know how to fix things and neither does my hisband and he fears if he pushes things he won't be allowed to see his grandchild so he goes and visits without me.
When she told my husband that "I changed him" he did ask her how. She cited first that he sold his house. (He lived in the same house since he was two years old, we lived an hour apart and he did sell it so we could live together because my kids are still at home and my house is larger and in much better condition. He payed off all her college debt with the sell of his house. I didn't benefit a dime from it.
She also sited him not staying at her house with her mom when her child was born. She told him Only he could come and not me. She was having a c-section so I asked him out of respect for our relationship that he didn't spend the 4 nights his daughter was in the hospital alone with his ex wife and to possibly get a hotel room instead. I didn't tell him what to do I asked if he would do something like that since I wasn't welcome. Instead he chose to get up ridiculously early every day, drive 3 hours, stay all day, then drive home late 3 hours each day. She said that was weird of him. But it wasn't me who told him to do it!! It was weird to me too, but I have no control over how he handles things and that was how he chose to handle it.
i have tried to invite her to dinners for her dads birthday and she always says she doesn't know then refuses to get back. My husband has to beg for us to visit and lately stopped trying and just goes alone.
oh and to be fair I probably am awkward around her. I rarely ever see her and when I do it's at events that his ex wife and her whole family are there and they all love my husband and won't acknowledge my existence so I feel awkward so I just shell up and keep to myself because I don't know what else to do!!! The only people kind to me is his ex mother in law and my step daughters ex step dad.
How do I fix this?! My husband said he is trying to win his daughter back over and hoping she will eventually come around, but I don't think she will. Help please, I feel so sad over this!
I'd be swkward, too
Your stepdaughter obviously has trouble accepting that her dad has remarried and is moving on with his life. She's entitled to her feelings but its not right the way you're being treated. Sometimes, these kids want to retain the original family fantasy, like having her parents walk together at her wedding. I call it "Original Recipe", like at KFC.
There's not much you or DH can do about it and I applaud the way he handled the hospital visitation when she had her baby.
I'd let him handle everything to do with her, gifts, etc. She probably doesnt want anything from you anyway. Support his efforts to stsy in touch and just let the rope drop.
Invite her to your wedding but if she chooses not to come, oh well. I dont think you can "fix" this. When the inevitable grandchild birthday parties and all the rest come along, look your best, go on DH's arm, be polite and civil and don't expect anything. Watch what events you and DH are invited to: GC birthdays are ok but no need to spend Christmas with BM.
It’s not you.
you can never ever win with her. Let her go. Forget her as she has you. Don't lift a finger for her. Pretend she does not exist. Be there done it. Life is too short to chase strangers.
Yes but it’s hard!
It's so hard knowing DH will have this second life that I am not allowed to be apart of.
he said I will see them a day a month or less and be with you all every other day of the year, and logically I know this is true but it just feels so wrong.
I know its my mind that needs to let go of the idea that we can all just get along but I am struggling with how to figure it out!
You can not fix things with
You can not fix things with unreasonable illogical people. I would not even try. In my case step son-in-law told us we should not have married as it is disrespectful to DH's deceased ex (DH was divorced. I was widowed.) Unreasonable and illogical. I can't fix that.
Illogical yes
Yes I understand. I feel it doesn't make sense as well. Her dad was alone for 20 some years. He finally has someone, we love each other and myself and kids would love to make her and her daughter part of our family but she won't let us.
Unsure of future with her
Oh the wedding happened last week and she and her family did not come. She even texted her dad random things the day of our wedding and the days after (it was a destination wedding) like we weren't doing anything and didn't acknowledge us getting married at all.
My problem is my husband is unsure of if I will be welcome at anything now. I was allowed at his granddaughter's first birthday, but not sure if I will ever be allowed at anything now the way she talked to him about me before we got married.
I just want to fix things so we can be civil with each other for my husband, but she l feel just wants to go on pretending we aren't married and me and my kids don't exist.
I knew she really didn't like her dad dating but I didn't think it was this bad up until we invited her to the wedding and now that we are married.
I feel so lost. And my husband and her mom were friends for her sake and I think that is honestly wonderful and I thought that friendship would be extended to me....but it never was. I really am lost.
Firstly, your dh needs to go
Firstly, your dh needs to go nuclear on her for insulting his marriage.
Secondly, whether or not you are welcome to family events, you WILL attend because you are your husbavds spouse. If your husband is invited, YOU are invited implicitly. Don't allow this overgrown teenager to dictate your life - if she tries to use her kids to blackmail your DH, oh dear, so sad. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
She needs to be wiped from your life. I suspect your DH is on the same page as you.
“Implied Invite”
I told him that as well, that when his granddaughter's second birthday comes along, whether or not my name is on the invite (it won't be!) that I want to assume I am allowed to go unleS otherwise told specifically I am not to be there.
He said he would go to his granddaughters stuff either way though because it isn't her fault and deserves her grandfather. And I get it, kindof.
I feel like he knows SD isn't really stable mentally and will cut him off without blinking and he knows her better than I do.
Has your DH ever stood up to
Has your DH ever stood up to her on your behalf?
Yes and no
He made sure I was at her wedding and all the events leading up to it.
he told her she didn't get a say in who or if he got married and so he was marrying me whether he had her blessing or not.
But right now he is catering to her in visiting without me and has been since his grandchild was born for fear of not seeing her if he pushes for me to be there too hard. And I kind of understand. It's not that little baby girls fault....
But...
It isn't yours either ..
Tough Situation
And trust me, I get it. I am not in relation with my DHs kids. Twelve years of tolerating toxic treatment did me in. Took 3 years to get back to me. That tuaght me alot.
All I can say is this. Let your DH manage his relationship with his daughter. You disengage (search this site for techniques). This is how I handle my DHs kids now. I don't ask any questions of DH. If he volunteers something, I'm positive and supporting. I do not "stalk" or look for info on DHs kids. He visits them and attends events without me. I use that time to do "me" stuff. I do not send gifts, holiday or birthday greetings. In fact, we don't communicate at all. When I do see them, I am cordial but nothing deep. DHs kids have not been to our home in over 6 years but two did visit within the last year. I let DH visit and I did my own thing while they were here.
Is it hard? In the beginning, YES. But it gets easier and once you get settled in your mode, you will find it brings lots of peace to YOU and peace to your marriage. One of the deepest statements is....It is What It Is. That is acceptance and once you accept things for as they are, you can manage them much better.
Best to you, dear lady. I'm sorry you are being treated as such.
Thank you
Thanks I will look up disengaging on this site. I need it!!!
I've disengaged from my adult
I've disengaged from my adult skids. They aren't even welcome in our house any longer. DH sees them elsewhere. The only event I ever attended was a wedding. As I said to my SD, I have no control over whether or not someone likes me, so I'm not going to fret and wring my hands when that's the case. Life's too short for toxic nonsense. I, too, enjoy GF time, spa days, etc when DH visits the ingrates.
They won’t come anyways!
Well I don't have to not welcome them to the house because they have never come here and I don't think they ever will!!!!
We finished the basement and added a bedroom down there in case they ever wanted to stay with us so they would have their own personal space and DH offered it to them should they ever want to and he said she didn't even acknowledge him speaking.
We used to watch their dog for a week at a time when they went away because we had a small dog as well and they loved each other but she doesn't ask that anymore either..... she is making sure I have nothing to do with absolutely anything and I really have zero clue why!
I think when her dad and I moved in together, even though we were together for 3 and a half years before doing so, it really made her hate me. I don't know what else it was!!! I really thought even though we weren't friends she was ok with me, and I even thought her husband liked me.
ok, sounds like I need to get over the whys and figure out how to move on from My own hurt feelings and wants that just aren't going to happen.
How do you do this?
I have seen a few of the commenters post in here about disengaging. And this is something I may need to do in the future. But how do you grow to accept that your DH has a second separate life from you? I don't want to and won't accept that. We are married and if the kids are adults and are married too, don't they also understand this? I mean, how would they feel if we invite them but not their partners, and tell them that we feel that their partners are awkward? We also don't do this to our parents. Both of my and DH's parents are still together, so that may be difficult to say, but the thing is, we would never invite one parent without welcoming the other. I wouldn't invite my MIL to a lunch at ours and tell her that my FIL isn't welcomed. So I don't quite understand how and why that should be accepted, especially when OP and all the other stepparents here haven't done anything wrong. I feel like this is something like tantrum throwing and I would feel that allowing this behaviour to continue (i.e. kid not inviting the stepparent and on purpose excluding the stepparent) is a form of social bullying and I would feel that it is something that my DH shouldn't allow for. I will never accept this moving forward, and I fear that having this outlook on my part means that my DH will not be having much of a relationship with his daughters if that is how they choose to act. It is a dilemma but it is not something that I would budge on.
I agree
I completely agree with you but to be honest DH said he would make it work no matter what but won't not ever see his daughter or grandchild.
i've told him to explain it to her just like that..... you got married, brought someone else into the family and now your spouse that they didn't choose is part of the family and welcome so why should he as her dad not be extended the same courtesy!?!
Again, if I had done anything to deserve this then I would understand. But I have done nothing but send her nice gifts, been sure to be quiet around her and not say anything much at all to make sure I never offended her, I had to stand back and watch time and time again her make her parents pretend to be together for events and photos while I stood back and watched.... babysat her dog for a week at a time even when it was inconvenient... not a single negative thing out of my mouth to her ever....
and now I am shunned and her only reasoning is that it's awkward being around me and she doesn't like that her dad now lives with me and that he didn't sleep over with her mom when she had her baby.... those were her only reasons she could come up with!!'
I swear her and her mom baited me time and time again to flip out.... yet I didn't....I saw through it.... they tried to get me to be out of the picture and now that I am permanent for good now they just say well it's me and the grandkid or her.....
I hate this scenario for everyone.
She'll never like you...
To be honest with you, I think it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, and it doesn't matter whether it's you or someone else in your place, she just doesn't like the idea of her dad being with someone else, no matter who it is. I have been nothing but nice and accommodating towards my SDs. I include them in my family's events, I have never excluded them in any of my or DH's family events and I most certainly never asked my DH to skip the weekend/s with them or anything. I have boundaries though, I set the rules and boundaries at our house and my SDs had to follow suit. If I don't, then DH would pretty much just let them do whatever they wanted, which I wouldn't like as I like certain expectations and regularities around my house. Of course they hated these rules, because BM would always them call the shots.
My SDs of course hate me, but I think that they just hate the idea of me, so whoever is in my place would never be good enough because whoever she is, she would just be someone who takes their father away from them. My DH has never missed the scheduled weeknights and weekends with them, never missed any important events and birthdays, etc. but in their eyes, he is just a terrible father, and it is all because of the badmouthing that BM's family does and that my SDs absorb so very well, because they just don't have a brain of their own. DH is constantly being alienated and told he is a bad father, even though he supports them financially, always shows up and is generally there for them. Whatever that he and I do are never good enough. When we do good things for them, they see it all as we are obligated to do those anyway because we're the parents. We're never appreciated, I'm never appreciated. But when we set boundaries, then we're seen as being evil and seen as abandoning and neglecting them. It's also almost certain that it is only a one-way street with them. In the decade that I have known them, I constantly buy them presents (for birthdays, Christmases, etc.) but I have never not once received any sort of thing from them, not even a little thank you note or anything. Even my DH, in the decade that we were together, I think he ever only got 1 or 2 things from them. They most certainly never made any effort for me though and they go out of their way to make sure of that. I never expected anything grand from them, but a little thoughtful appreciation or even a drawing or notes would be kind of nice, you know? I have a good friend who has a daughter and I would buy her a little something here and there, and once she made me this little bracelet, which is just so very cute and thoughtful. And I see this little girl wayyyyy less than I see my SDs and she is also wayyy younger than my SDs (my SDs are 18 and 16). You might think that they're a bit young and might still therefore act like teenagers, but I doubt that they will change from where they are now. When they were younger I used to think, that's OK, when they get older they'll appreciate me, but things have actually gotten worse as they get older, they are becoming more and more like their mother and her side of the family (they are all crazies, btw, so my SDs have no hopes). So I think in my case they will, at some point, start acting like your SD.
I said to DH, no matter what you/we do, even if you buy them a car each and a house each, it would never be enough for them and they would never be happy. They're just wired that way, they're constantly manipulative and act entitled. The word 'gratitude' doesn't exist in their dictionary. So I said to DH, seeming as you've been painted as a bad father, then why not show them what a bad father is? You might as well be one, as that's what they already think anyway.
It will be her mission to split you and DH up and she'll never be happy until that happens. It's either your DH puts his foot down now and agree to cease contact with her and the grandchild (if that's what she'd do), or this would just continue being like this and you're going to have to be OK with DH having a separate life. In my situation, I would not allow my DH (and myself) to have a toxic relationship with a selfish disrespectful id!ot, so unfortunately my DH would have to be OK with having minimal contacts with his kids. I have been telling him all this, in preparation of what the future might hold. He is slowly waking up to how crazy and toxic his kids are, which is all a good start. He is upset because he doesn't see them, but that's all their doing. They have been blocking him for the last 6 months. He still wants a sort of a relationship with them, but I just keep telling him to brace himself because even if he does, it might just be at arm's length, and that is really how I would prefer it anyway, because they are both so crazy, toxic and manipulative. And I hate dramas.
You are too nice.
Let her go. Let her go. Seriously. Be present in your marriage and with your kids. Honestly I would not bother even going to any of her events. Just pretend she doesn't exist. Clearly she feels that way about you and I can tell you my wedding was over 17 years ago and his kids pulled the same crap. They never showed up!! And guess what. I busted my you know what over those years trying to get the little princesses to like me! Useless waste of time for me! And it will be for you as well. Maybe she end up liking you but she will not appreciate anything you could do for her. Isn't it easier now? Drop everything and just be a family unit with those who actually care about you.
You are right
Yes, she doesn't appreciate anything DH does for her either. She didn't pay for a car until after she was married at 24. She didn't pay one cent of her college, he paid it all. He gave her a fairy tale wedding (I helped as well by helping Dh so he could afford what she wanted...I paid for all of our dates, his cats ridiculously expensive food, made him food and bought things for him so all his extra money could go towards her wedding)...
He gave her thousands of dollars for baby furniture and such....
and she can't even attend a free birthday dinner for her dad because I would be there too...
Don’t give her a second thought.
And it's not you personally. She is an emotionally stunted self absorbed human being and she is not your problem. I could go on and on over my SDs. They appreciated absolutely nothing!! They are fakes to their father who still chases them. They give him really nothing back either. But again. FORGET ABOUT HER.
Disengagement
You will never make SD want a relationship with your family. You will never be treated fairly by SD. SD is not going to change, Have nothing to do with SD. Make sure DH .. knows if he doesn't want another failed marriage, another set of kids who will not speak to him. He better start treating you and your kids better. DH will not ..not put your name on invitations. He will let the world know you are co hosting the party. You will get all the privileges a wife gets . If SD wants to play games. Not on your field. You are in control. Not SD.
Disengagement is your friend
Have your separate finances. Do not do anything for SD ungrateful chit that she is. Dont ask after her, only the grand. If hes invited somewhere assume you are included in that invitation also.
No wonder you feel awkwardly! I have Sd25 Feral Forger, and when she was attending the big family events, before the big skirmish we just had a month or so ago, it was awkward seeing her. Her fangs were visible when she smiled fakely at me.
A little while ago, she had her hand out for money, an unpaid phone bill, and because he didnt have the cash to give her, went off on him. "you abandoned me for your wh@re of a wife!!!!" etc. Then went on family text to spout her drivel. That was also awkward. Only 2 people a sister and his youngest SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada defended him, and talked with him. And apparently she had also called and chewed out another niece of his for some reason (she doesnt like me so it was like oh well hahha)
Your SD is using her kid as an emotional hostage for her emotional terrorism. Your DH is allowing this out of fear. This is not very sustainable but the grand is very young, so things will change when they get older.
SD, she sounds horrible. I pray that SD25 Feral Forger never gets pregnant...
That’s what she was taught!
Yes, she is using her child to get what she wants just like her mummy used her two kids to the two different husbands to get them to do what she wanted.
So why wouldn't she do what she was taught!!!
Thats why disengagement is your only recourse
I know it sounds hard, but start small.
It sounds like she got very
It sounds like she got very used to her dad being basically a non-romantic partner to her mom. It sounds like the friendship involved a lot of joint events when she was growing up.. and even now. It was all good when he was single.. but he has messed up the dynamic by getting married. Joint parties are no longer really possible without a lot of awkwardness. Maybe her mom is around so much.. she wants to avoid you and her being there together? I don't know.. but your DH should be encouraging.. not demanding.. that she learn to accept and be happy that he has found someone to share his life with.
As for you.. I might consider it a blessing to not be obligated to join in all the family drama.. Disengage.. don't pine after a group of people that you wouldn't want to be part of anyway. Your SO can see his daughter and GD.. but you won't push into that.. and perhaps in time.. he will decide he doesn't want to spend time without you.. and his daughter will see him less.
Non-romantic partner for sure!!!
When her mom was remarried for a while, my DH was barely part of anything, he did things with his daughter on his own.
However, when she got divorced from her second husband, she (her mom) decided it was very important for them to be friends and do things together as a family. So her mom would have BOTH ex husbands (to her two different kids) at all events together. Which I don't see a problem with since they all got along.
The problem arose when he met me and they had every excuse in the book to not include me in anything and not invite me to anything. Dear mummy (ex wife) convinced DH that their daughter needed them together for things. Even took the kids on vacations together. (She would take one vacation with DH and kids and one vacation with other ex husband and kids). Me, personally, I think it was just a way to get free vacations since you make both your ex husbands pay for it.
Anyways, after two years of BS I said I am done, if you guys think you need to play footsies under the table to keep your daughter happy then do that, but I will no longer be apart of this.
So he chose to say I needed to be included from that point forward. Guess what?! All of a sudden now they don't have the big family gatherings with both ex husbands anymore. As soon as he said he was bringing me they stopped! Suddenly they were no longer important to do "for the kids".
i think it was all them trying to chase me away. And now that it didn't work and he lives with me and married me, they are throwing tantrums.
But I think that was exactly it. A non-romantic partnership. She leaned on him, they spent every holiday together, she would freely spend his money "on their ADULT daughter" (just buy stuff for her and say you owe this and he would just pay up no questions asked because they convinced him of he didn't do as they said he was a horrible dad), and now that is gone.
So SD did lose something. I really really think she was living in her pretend world where her parents were together and thought she could keep it up forever.
Be confident. Let DH know
Be confident. Let DH know that you will not allow a child or an adult to disrespect you, or him, or your marriage. Let him know that it is time for this to be dealt with assertively and he either does it or you will.
Tolerating toxic manipulative self serving character void people like your Skidult SD just empowers their manipulative toxicity.
You and DH need to sit down, discuss it in detail, set, and enforce your standards for how his failed family Skidult will be put and kept in her place. Or in less shit stiring language, how she will be kept from continually disrupting your lives with her manipulations.
The addage of the person who keeps telling their Dr "It hurts when I do this." to be told by the Dr. "Then don't do that." is just as effective in dealing with people who cause pain and disruption over and over again. When they hurt with their access to the people who matter, the people who matter have to strip the access of the toxic. Even when the toxic are the progeny of a failed family. Particularly when the are kidults. They, are the problem that has to be solved. Solving is to give them the clear message of what and who they are and rubbing their noses in the fact that they will no longer be tolerated to disrupt the best lives of you, DH, and your family. with their toxicity.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
We set ground rules
Before we got married, knowing what she said, we discussed what we could tolerate and not.
He can't make her invite me or make me welcome in her house and I acknowledge this. So, in the meantime, he takes off work one day a month to visit his grandchild there. I am ok with that as while I don't think it's "fair" to me, I also not think it's fair to DH to never see his grandchild again either.
I asked that he just assume I am invited to events whether or not I am on the invitation and if he specifically is told I am not to come, we don't go. No more hanging out with ex-wife without me.
I am totally for exes getting along and being at things together but I strongly believe it needs to include their new partners too. It's ridiculous not to.
Has some law
been passed that says fathers must stay by their daughters' side if they have c-sections? That is just weird!
But the parents have to be together….
Yes honestly he was excited to be allowed at the hospital because she is overly attached to her mom. He is usually an afterthought.
He was there, all 4 days, from 9 am till 8/9 pm. Came home near midnight, left at 6 am. And she still thinks this is a problem as how dare he come home and sleep with me instead of staying in her empty house with her mummy...
Everything she does I feel is to try to cause a rift in our relationship. I doubt she genuinely wanted him there, except for one family picture of him and her mom holding their grand holding their grandchild together to have photo proof of her delusions that they are sa family.
She was mad because her plan didn't work.
What a peach. She and my SD
What a peach. She and my SD would get along great.
This would have driven
me nuts. You need time to just be with your newborn, to start getting to know them, to get breastfeeding established, to SLEEP!!! My parents visited me one evening after the baby was born and that was plenty. My in-laws came a couple/few times because they were watching my older child and so brought him to visit. I even got tired of their dad being there! It sounds like your SD saw this as her chance to be the center of attention and was milking it for all it was worth.
SD Needs to Grow Up...
Sounds like you have a very emotionally immature SD.
Her insecurity/fear of abandonment issues from the divorce of her parents, and her grand sense of entitlement have most likely been fostered by said parents through the years due to their guilt.
She is most likely used to getting what she wants and sees her manipulative tactics to gain attention and control as effective - because they ARE. Using her children as pawns in her little fantasy game is selfish and a great revelation as to what kind of person she really is. I believe CBT/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could greatly help her come to a place of reality, if she is willing to get it.
Along with emotional immaturity comes narcissistic traits. Although, narcissistic traits do not necessarily equate to NPD.
She is triangulating to try and isolate you away from her little "fake family bubble."
She wants to be in 1st place. She is in competition with you and it sounds as if she is putting pressure on your father to ensure she is in that place, with her manipulative tactics.
At her stage in life, she shouldn't be this dependent upon her parents. She should be more focused on creating her own life and family, and not trying to simultaneously control her father's personal life.
I have a 20 yo SD who was told by her father to leave our home after living without us for 4 years, due to disrespect and sense of entitlement. She is also emotionally immature and damaged goods due to her mother. My husband was never married to her mom. They split when she was 1 yo.
She was 9 1/2 when I came into the picture. Outside of living with us, she never lived with him. She had it made here. Although, she was encouraged to pay for her own vehicle, bills, and college education.
She and I are no longer on speaking terms. I haven't seen or talked to her in more than 6 months. She continues to compete as well for "1st place," even twisting the truth, overdramatizing past events, and accusing her father of never being there for her, and he is an EXCEPTIONAL father/man. All this to get her father to see things from her perspective which is the "flying monkey" perspective. She had many opportunities to speak, and she stayed silent. Yet, he and I are "to blame." She owns nothing of the wrongs she has committed. And so, I pray for her, but I release her now. I know it's tough when you care, but, you have to see it as if she is not there at all for your own health and well-being.
Your husband needs to make it very clear that you are #1 in his life to her. Yes, his children and grandchildren matter, that goes without saying, but at the end of the day, you have made a covenant with this man and he with you, something no one else has and he MUST protect it.
He cannot see he is being manipulated like a puppet on a string. Your husband eventually will become exhausted and agitated by his daughter's selfish "tug-o-war" tactics.
For your sake, for his sake, for the sake of your marriage, he needs to put his foot down and listen to you first.
I realize he wants to be in their lives, but he can't put your marriage on the "altar of sacrifice" to accomplish it. This SD needs to understand boundaries and it is up to your husband to reinforce them and make them known. If that means she withholds time with her and her children, so be it. He should not allow this foolishness to continue any further. She is rude and needs a rude awakening. Time to grow up, SD!
Blessings on your marriage.
Spot On!
Great assessment of this situation!
I agree
He is an exceptional father and gave whatever he had to and made sure he always provided everything for her. He always put her first. And yes she takes it all for granted and tells him he is not there for her and it's all so ridiculous.
I don't really think she wanted him at the hospital the entire time. I truely believe it was to anger me having him with her "mummy" for days on end without me and she knew she had 100 percent control of the situation. And it backfired because I didn't care and he didn't stay with "mummy".
He won't ever just not see her though.....He promised he wouldn't go to family things and holidays with his ex-wife anymore without me but he will go to things for his grandchild.
it's just a sucky situation for everyone involved and it really isn't necessary. Our kids and myself could be around them and be kind to them. I would gladly share holidays with her mummy and be nice so they could have their holidays together still. I am just not willing to be left out of it because it isn't necessary. Her mummy didn't leave her husband out when she was married and do things with my DH when she was a baby and the divorce was new so I don't buy into it ever have being necessary now that she is an adult and the tables are reversed.
I think her mummy has a lot to do with this too but DH claims she doesn't care. SD and her mummy are kindof a package deal though so I don't buy it. Her husband even said he knows he is second to her mummy.
I don't know everything is so odd and awkward. I am not married to my parents so I don't understand this.
AMEN!
Wow, EVERYTHING you have written has my SDs A.L.L. O.V.E.R. I.T. No joke. I am also not on speaking terms with my SDs for the last 6 months and I'm actually all the better for it. They are 100% what you said above, competing with me, wanting to be 1st in her dad's eyes, and always telling him how bad of a father he is, even though my DH has always been there for both of them, never missed any important occasions, never missed any weeknight or weekends with them. The SDs' families are all backing this, always badmouthing DH and I whenever they get a chance. They are manipulative, self-centred and narcissistic, and never admitting fault and always aim to treat me like I'm sub-human. I think their aim is always to ruin the relationship I have with my DH. My DH hasn't been in contact much with them either and he is also in agreeance that they are Crazy (with a capital C), though I know that he is sad that he isn't seeing them. I will stand my ground though, and I won't let two crazies run my life and creating havoc.
“ You can not fix things with unreasonable illogical people.“
Love that quote. Its half this board. Thank you notarelative. You did nothing wrong, but you can not change SD. or DH they are two people going in circles. Totally disengage from SD. Don't think you are going to have any relationship with SD.
DH thinks he can though….
He is convinced that if he "shows her he is still there for her" she will come around.
He thinks he can "win her over" again. He is doing so by not pushing us visiting her and just visiting her alone, by saying he will spend a weekend with her, her hubby and grandchild without me etc.
He thinks by doing so she will eventually come around. I personally think it will just become the new norm.
It's just the weirdest feeling to me and I am confused on what we tell people. It's like my DH has a grandchild, but I am not allowed to say she is a step grandchild. Dh has three children now but I still only have two. And if I say I only have two, then I am a bad step-parent. But if I say I have three as well, it will be how dare I pretend to know her or have anything to do with her.
Its just a lose-lose-lose-lose situation no matter what I do I feel. Nor no matter what he does for him as well.
I just never imagined myself in this situation. I am pretty easy to get along and pretty low maintenance. I don't start fights, try my best to not criticize anyone for having different opinions than me, I go along with what everyone else wants for pretty much anything.....
I do need to stop trying to rationalize irrational thinking.....
He is convinced that if he
No. It doesn't work that way.
Has he put a timeline on this? Months? Years? I'd ask.
It will.
This is a big fat non-issue for me. I tell people that my husband has kids and grandchildren. I don't even call the skids "my stepchildren." Never have. You're not a bad SP by saying you have two kids. You're telling the truth. I think you are judging yourself and imagining what people will think. No one really cares how you refer to your SD. Maybe you could just start referring to her as "the little bitch."
And many mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage. Or maybe you should not be "low maintenance." How do you want things to be? How realistic is your vision? And can you accept the way things are?
P.S. I bet if you make sure to go out and have fun and go on weekend trips when hubby is away kissing his daughter's ass, his weekends with her won't seem so appealing to him after all. Muhahahah.
I plan on it!
Yes, if he needs to go spend a weekend for "one on one" time with SD (the one on one time is SD, SGD, and SSIL --- not one on one at all haha) and I am not invited, I fully plan on doing something fun with my kids too that weekend.
Not to be mean but to distract us all from the fact that we are not accepted by her as part of the family and worth knowing/having around. (My kids are hurt by it too.... they wanted to know her but can't. Only met her 3 times in 6 years!)
I plan on it!
Yes, if he needs to go spend a weekend for "one on one" time with SD (the one on one time is SD, SGD, and SSIL --- not one on one at all haha) and I am not invited, I fully plan on doing something fun with my kids too that weekend.
Not to be mean but to distract us all from the fact that we are not accepted by her as part of the family and worth knowing/having around. (My kids are hurt by it too.... they wanted to know her but can't. Only met her 3 times in 6 years!)
My husband has blank children
And blank grandchildren. They are not mine. He and I are married but due to their choice his children are not a part of our family. Their father is a big part of my and our family but that's it. All of my children love and respect him. They appreciate him on his birthday and FD. His children do not. I think that over the years the contact with his kids is less and less. How connected can you be to someone you only see in person once a year or every few years. You've tried. Most Step parents try. After trying to get water from a stone you put it down. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Zero connection for sure!
That's exactly it! I see her once a year and it's a visit forced by DH, it's very awkward bc it is always obvious I was not wanted there.... so we have zero connection.
He goes once a month to visit his grandchild while she pampers herself and that is basically it.
She texts him a lot, mostly pictures and updates on the grandchild but that is mostly all of their relationship now because she is so headset on me not existing.
I've always said I felt like a mistress even though I came along 20 years after his ex wife cheated, left, remarried, had another kid etc. and was like how can they treat me like a mistress when I obviously had zero to do with their family not working forever ago....
But now I am wondering if it wasn't the ex wife seeing me as a mistress ruining her family but more the daughter no longer being the sole woman in her dad's life and therefore I am the mistress to that?!?!
totally understand
wow - am so relieved to have found this string... am in the same boat ... but i have realised that the sd has so royally disrespected me and her own father that i have given up caring about her. and have washed my hands of the situation...it took a while - to the point where i refused to have any interaction with someone so disrespectful. -i wouldnt tolerate this from kids in high school - why would i let my spouse's kid misbehave with me...
having said that - she is not welcome in our house, or near me - and i have no issues not being around here - infact am relieved and grateful i dont need to interact with a kid who is so clearly damaged ...
(I need a fist bump emoji for
So sorry
That you can relate.
Before this I never knew someone could hate someone so bad that they don't even know at all just for being alive.
You've done nothing wrong.
You've done nothing wrong. You are not to blame for her actions. SD is locked and loaded to disinclude you and that's weird. The whole dynamic is weird which is why it sounds weird to have to explain to people the dynamics of the situation. It's not normal - AT ALL, of no fault of your own. You did your best, putting your best foot forward to try and have harmony in this family. As tough as it is, remain disengaged from SD. It is HER LOSS, not yours. What goes around will eventually come around.
Don't let them run your life!
If I were you I'd have a sit down with DH and I won't tolerate his daughter disrespecting me. DH really needs to pick a side. His daughter will always be his daughter, but he is also a married man now. I would never want to put my DH in a difficult situation like that but if it is something that his daughter wants him to do, then so be it. It will be her aim to exclude you, she will never want to let you in her life, or invite you to anything. And given you haven't done anything, it is all due to her own emotional immaturity & fear of abandonment. DH needs to put his foot down and if you aren't invited, then he doesn't go. You are married to him, and you are essentially treated as one entity (did you know that?). It will be her goal to split you up, she will make it her mission. And no matter what your DH does, it will never be appreciated. As you mentioned your DH put every penny aside for her wedding, she will just treat it as, 'you're my father, you're supposed to do that anyway'. That is what my SDs keep saying to my DH. Put your foot down, if your DH can't respect you as his wife, maybe you'll need to find another husband who actually has a backbone...?
Love how you put all this!
Love how you described being married as being "one".
If you dont establish healthy boundaries now, things will definitely get worse.
Thanks!
Thank you, and it is definitely all true. In the eyes of law, when you marry someone, you are treated as one entity, in the sense that whatever you own, your spouse now owns that too, and whatever debt you've got, your spouse now has that debt too! If the law can see you as one entity, the opinion of one entitled disrespectful stepdaughter does not overrule that, for sure? Haha. I'd put my foot down if I were OP, or get a divorce because her DH is so very clearly putting his daughter in front of her, and respecting his daughter's wishes more than his wife's.
I said to my DH, you need to wake up and realise that I AM your next of kin, not your daughters, not your parents. I AM. (This is because his parents started meddling into this issue that we're having with his kids and started telling him that he has to amend it, etc. and I said to my DH, do they know that your kids are the ones who have been blocking you? How do you make contacts with them if they're blocking you?) Anyway, I also said to my DH, if you were to drop dead tomorrow, it'd be up to me how I want to organise your funeral and look after your assets (unless he has a will of course). It isn't up to your parents, it isn't up to your kids, it is up to me. And if I want to, I can exclude your children and your parents from attending your funeral (evil, I know, right? But I love saying wicked, evil sh!ts LOL). My point though, was that he needs to wake up and start realising that his kids aren't the mini-wives they think they are, and that I AM his wife, not them, and as so long as I'm being reasonable and respectful towards his kids, he needs to wake up and realise which side he needs to pick: the loving caring wife who has stood by his side this whole time (and who also has the power to exclude all his families at his funeral LOLOLOL); or the entitled disrespectful brats who keeps telling him what a horrible person he is and has him blocked the last 6 months even though nothing bad has ever happened between them? I rest my case (and I think I'd make a good defence lawyer, too LOL).