Advice re husband & adult Stepsons
I'm hoping for some advice on this ongoing issue.
Background, if it matters: I've been married for 20 years to a man who is 10 years older than me and has 2 sons (26, 29) from his previous marriage. When we married I had no idea that he and his parents would quietly arrange for the two sons to move in with us full-time. We ended up raising them and I had to opt out of having children of my own. My husband's ex wife frankly started off as a pompous entitled princess and unravelled into a trash life and had very little to do with her sons; she paid some laughable child support amount (literally $100/month) and saw them for half-days once every few months. My husband had a drinking problem up until 8 years ago (until I forced a change), and life was pretty hellish living with the 3 of them but I stuck it out because I loved his many good qualities. I was never made to feel part of his family. When his sons moved in, right off the bat I was predictably treated like the "evil stepmother." (For example, I couldn't insist we all had dinner together; this was cutting into their game time. I couldn't insist on family outings; this would be cutting into their weekend hangout time. At one point the younger one started writing stories at school about 2 young brothers who were being poisoned by their stepmother, which prompted a call from the school.) I was caught up in a whirlwind of malaptive behaviours and I ended up emotionally disconnecting. I simply helped with bills and groceries, paid my half of the mortgage, was courteous to them, but became so deeply wounded by the sense of being an unwelcome guest in my house and unloved that I just tuned out. I stayed late at work every night, to avoid coming home. In hindsight my husband had a lot of narcissistic qualities and I see he made no efforts to unify us, and his sons gladly partook of the exclusion, especially with their half nuts reckless mother showing up now and then to buzz toxic contempt for me in their ear.
How things turned out: Maybe 10 years ago, the younger stepson spiralled out of control, started dabbling in criminal activity, and I put my foot down--I told my husband I couldn't live another year like this. The kid's school kicked him out. My husband started putting his foot down too and started having huge terrifyingly loud arguments with him. The kid ended up reconnecting with his mother, moved in with her, and blamed me for everything. He never spoke to me again. My husband now has a doting loving relationship with this younger son, while I am excluded. The older one finally moved out when he was 28 (after years of my insisting he can't be working full time and living in our basement for the rest of his life) -- and just like his brother, after he moved out he essentially stopped speaking to me. (He does speak to me when we happen to be in the same physical space, but that's it. No responses to texts etc.) My husband's parents and sisters also treat me like I don't exist. Ever since the younger kid stop speaking with me, it seems they convinced themselves of the narrative that I was to blame for the issues.
The current problem: Nobody in my husband's family acknowledges my existence. My husband has become increasingly reasonable since he stopped drinking, and he acknowledges the shit I've been through and all I did for him and his family. He was a late bloomer with technology--I had to buy him an iPhone and data plan a few years ago just to try to get him caught up with the times. Now he is on this phone ALL DAY LONG with this family -- texting his sisters and his sons all the livelong day (when he's not working; we both work from home through the pandemic). He then reports to me all the things he thinks are so great with his family -- this one got this type of furniture, that one was a rich girlfriend, this one has really impressed the boss, etc. I've tried telling him actually I really don't feel great hearing about these people who don't acknowledge I exist while he maintains ever-stronger bonds with them. During an argument he did tell me several weeks ago he can ask his sons if they want to come over her for dinner, and I said no thanks -- after 20 years of pain, I don't want some forced hangout. (The truth is I think I dread that 
they'd flatly say no and reinvigorate my feeling of rejection, or (B) they'd say yes and then it's open doors for them to come hang out here with my husband while I'm left to be the unwelcome outsider again.) He acts like it's a hangup I have to get over. Financially I'm far behind other people of my age in my profession, since my husband's divorce and subsequent fallout really hobbled us, and to this day I have no idea how much money he funnels to his sons (he gets extremely agitated if I broach the subject) but it seems we never have much, apart from our modest house. I feel like it's all escalating. I imagine things like a wedding or the sons having kids -- God, my husband would be all over them nonstop, and I'd be further in the periphery as we age. It's such a horrible feeling. I've developed some horrible health issues and don't have the energy to fight about any of this, and I dread the thought of leaving for several reasons. It sort of seems like it has become an existential crisis; what am I doing with my life, where do I feel validated, where are things going, what's it all adding up to for me?
Does anyone else see what I'm saying and maybe think I need to alter my perspective or take some kind of different action? Is my perception skewed? Any thoughts at all would be appreciated. Thanks very much.
Get yourself some therapy
Get yourself some therapy to help you answer, "where do I feel validated, where are things going, what's it all adding up to for me."
Force the financial issue. Get access to all of your joint accounts and any of his private accounts and find out how much money you have and how he is spending it. Make an appointment with a financial advisor and find out where you stand.
Contact a divorce attorney and go in for a consult. Again, just to see where you stand and how you would come out of a divorce.
Knowledge is power. Once you really know where you are both emotionally and financially, you can decide if you will be better off without him.
I would have a very hard time
I would have a very hard time staying with this man. Really, he's at the root of the problem because he doesn't stand up for you with his family or his sons. He should be letting all of them know that their treatment of you is unacceptable to him.
I too would agree that you need to insist on financial transparency from him, even if you have to file for divorce to get it.
Don't Know How You Did It
You are one good hearted person. Time to start looking out for yourself.
I have a similar situation thought no where near as bad as yours. I took a lot of crap from DH and his kids. At year 12, an event pushed me over the cliff and I completely cut off from his now adult kids. Through counseling, it was decided he seem them outside our marital home, when his kids call in, I leave the room, and he rarely shares anything with me about them.
At this point, I'd demand an accounting of finances. ALL accounts and I'd demand permanent access. I'd also visit an attorney....you sound very tired and fed up in your post. Love is wonderful but it takes more than that for a good relationship. Your husband has really done you wrong for many years. I'm sorry. Sending you a virtual hug.
I think that if you insist on
I think that if you insist on staying with him then you need to NACHO. Or be just Dad's wife. Don't acknowledge their existence either. Find some friends, groups and activities to keep you busy for the time he sets aside to be with them. They are grown people, ALL of them, including his family, that still act like you don't exist or are a part of him and his life so you need to reciprocate that and find your own family and joy. I think they have some great posts of how others here have NACHO'D and dealt with difficult inlaws, so check those out. I know a common solution for when he wants to talk about it is to "uhmm...that's great honey" him to death. In one ear and out the other kind of mantra.
I am so sorry
This sounds like a terrible situation to be in and you must feel very lonely. You are not being unreasonable and there really isn't anything else you can do. This is their doing and you must not take any of the blame for how your DH handled the situation. If you feel that you can continue to remain in the relationship you should just make sure that you have friends and interests outside of him. Don't get involved and try not to get triggered. So easy to say and I certainly shouldn't be giving advice on this topic as I'm heading down this path, if not already there.
What keeps you voluntarily
What keeps you voluntarily shackled to this shit show? It can't possibly be love. Love is a two way street. This is far from that. It is time for you to blossom and thrive. If you remain quit wallowing in the stench of their shallow and polluted genetic mutual worship society and separate your finances. Save every Penny your earn and if your failure of a DH says a word point out that men are the providers in a marriage and he needs to step up his support game in your marriage.
When you get to the true end of your rope just leave and leave him to your divorce attorney to deal with.
I would not tolerate this slow motion genetic train wreck for 20secs much less 20 years.
IMHO.
Take care of you.
Im so sorry you have this going on
It reads from your background (yes its important to your story!) that you are the backbone and foundation for this marriage, and he is just along for the ride.
Time to take stock and see what you want for your future. What does YOUR future look like to you NOW and what do you want it to look like in the days AHEAD. You cannot re-write your history but you can change the future.
1. You know in your heart what is wrong. You know that what your husband is doing is wrong. You know how the SS's are behaving is wrong. Its just all kinds of bad.
The issue is how to change things. That feeling of rejection is real. Its even got a name: Relational Aggression. Read up on that. Its bad.
2. Get your financial ducks in their proverbial row. Today is as good a day as any day to start. Get those banking statements, get those log in credentials TODAY. Log on and check out all joint and seperate accounts. I dont know how old you are, but Im guessing you are about my age-ish. Time to get some good solid savings and get a plan in place for going it alone if thats where your self-discovery road takes you. But get solid on the money.
3. Get thee to a lawyer! Monday. To see what your options and rights are. Do that immediately. The past is the past, and they havent developed a time-travel machine for the masses yet, so you cannot change the past, but you definitely can change the future. Just doing something will mobilize you in a new way.
4. When your husband talks about his children, just walk away. You really dont want to hear about these people who have treated you horribly. And the inlaws who are siding against you - feck them. Walk away from them too. Build your own family and tribe separate from them.
Keep us posted!
HUN
I am going to be blunt.
You have a very sad life. My heart wept as I read. No one deserves this, especially a giving loving lady like you.
Frankly your husband benefited from you, but will gladly put you on the shelf as he joins in with his excluding family. They all sound toxic, your DH included.
Get therapy to make you stronger. Hopefully it will give you the courage to move on to a better life.
Blessings
Thanks so much
Thank you all so much for the suggestions and encouragement. I've read every response carefully and am going to read every one again. I absolutely see it -- I have to get myself to a therapist. That will be my first line of action. You are are all so kind and insightful!
Pivot
Time for a pivot to a fulfilling life that makes you happy- with or without him -- it's never too late. It will be hard to forgive your husband for his monumental selfishness - but if you're willing to try I wish you the best. Hugs!
I tend to agree with everyone
I tend to agree with everyone here. Definitely find out what your financial picture looks like. If he has "his own money" that you don't know about, Definitely, immediately set up a "your own money" account and feed that suckered at every opportunity.
Find out legally what your rights and responsibilities are with your home and assets.
If he wants SS over, leave! Take yourself out on a date! You don't have to make dinner that you're not going to be comfortable enjoying with them. You're not obligated to suffer through a visit ...so go out or treat yourself to a facial in your room while they do their own thing.
Think about what makes you happy and content in your life presently, and what you wanted added (or removed) from your life.
Lastly, you can have a talk and negotiate with DH. You can tell him what the deal breakers are and see how he responds and go from there.
Ultimately, you have to decide what's best for you! Hugs!!!!
Lastly
You need to talk to someone about Wills and financial planning. If something happened to him tomorrow do you have any idea where you stand? Do you have wills? Car in your name? Joint deed? Joint checking and savings? Those kids will swoop in and take everything they are entitled too if he doesn't have a will, and you could be left holding bills and nothing else.
So true!
This also stands in case of divorce. I got a post nup and was not sorry I did. It made the divorce a lot easier. Although I SHOULD have done it a long, long time ago.