You are NOT alone. There are a few of us here who struggle with issues related to adult stepchildren.

I have been dealing with 5 adult skids for just about 10 years now, and as much as I tried, things have never gotten better between us. Their dad divorced their mom years before he met me, yet the way I was treated you'd think I tore their parent's marriage apart with my own two hands.

I tried to be the "better person" for years. I tried to model good behavior. They mistook my efforts as weakness and became even more obnoxious and disrespecful toward me. Why? Looking back, I think they were rude because they knew they could get away with it. Finally, after years of hurt and anger, I disengaged. It was all I could do. They weren't going to change, so I had to change.

My H made all the excuses he could think of to rationalize their rudeness toward me. When I stopped accepting his lame excuses, he even accused me of "not trying hard enough." Finally, I told H that he could have any relationship he wanted with his adult children, but I wouldn't be involved. I wouldn't go to their homes anymore (they made it clear that they didn't want me there anyway), and I didn't want them in my home unless I wasn't there. Most importantly, none of my money would continue to be used to support their lifestyles.

I have been disengaged for well over a year now and it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. H continues to visit them, however I never ask about them like I used to. Our conversations are no longer dominated by their issues, or how appalled I am at their behavior. The only indirect contact I've had was a wedding shower invitation--seems I am still good enough to pump for gifts. I threw the invitation in the trash.

Yes, it's a sad situation. But I strongly believe that my time, energy, and love should be directed toward people who love me back. Life is too short to constantly beat my head against a brick wall and surround myself with people who despise me and my BD--whether it's H's adult children or anyone else. It's like trying to swim in an emotional black hole--I just can't win. What's worse, while dealing with the constant stress and negative energy (or trying to change it), I found that I was neglecting the very people who love me most.

I wish you well and I am sorry that you have to deal with this, Kate. Just keep in mind that you shouldn't be disrespected by anyone at any time, and that includes your H's adult children. If they choose to treat you poorly, you can choose not to place yourself in their presence anymore.

Kate, Sarah101 has laid it out perfectly. Don't feel it is something YOU can 'try harder' and solve, you alone cannot repair your relationship with adult skids - they have to contribute too.

There is little support for the stepparent role in the media or real life, as you will see if you read all the entries here.

Don't take ANY of this personally, don't let it get you down, don't let it ruin YOUR real life. You are not alone, we are all in similar boats and are here for you.

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?'
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

From what I've experienced and from what I've read about the experiences of others trying to win the kids over is a waste of your time and emotions.

In my experience once you stop trying two things happen. First you divorce yourself from the expectations you're harboring. It takes two sides to play this game. They are needed so they can reject you. You are needed to be rejected. Once you're not in the game the game is over.

Second - once they come to realize you're not fazed by their behavoir they MAY start to thaw. Leave yourself open to their reaching out if they do. It may take years - meanwhile act in the following manner:

You're polite to them when in their company. You graciously accept any invitations given and don't question the motives with your husband or anyone else. You ignore low remarks - you simply don't respond. You don't walk away. You're a guest in their home you do not act rudely no matter what. You either fall silent (not in a condescending way) or you change the subject (but not with false cheerfulness).

If you are in your own home when they visit you leave them with your husband. You greet them politely when they arrive and as soon as you see they're continuing their behavoir you give your excuses to leave. It doesn't have to be elaborate but if you're going to read the newspaper do it in the other room. I.e. don't be rude while keeping away from them. An excellent way is to have another engagement. You're "visiting a girlfriend". It's OK if they see that you're just making excuses but don't elaborate on the issue. Go see a movie if necessary.

Be straight forward with your husband about all of this. Not angrily or argumentative just straight forward. You don't have to explain why he already knows why.

Listen: you lived decades without these people - you'll survive nicely without them in the future.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

My husband and I just got this letter from his daughter. I am at a loss for words.
How do you deal with this?
She writes:
Dear Pap and (Dogmom),
I just got back from my trip which was great, but am to be honest
very irritated annoyed and angry at both of you as I hear some story
regarding your visit at M......'s and I think it's time for me to
clear the air and tell the perhaps brutally truth. Yes I am in an
emotianal and agry state as I write this, but frankly I do not give a
flying (F...) at this point. (Dogmom) how dare you getting it in your head
to even think you could be called Oma or see
yourself as our "Stephmom" in any kind of way other then by LAW which
freankly does not mean a thing other then MONEY! Remember Pap you
were married to mom by law which didn;t stop you from cheating on her
either so..( f...) the law! I'm so so angry and probaply dad you might
never want to talk to me after this but that would only proof that I'm
right. (Dogmom)WE you and I are NOT friends. I am nice to you because
you are a human being and because my dad says he loves you. I love my
dad and therefore respect his choices. However I do feel that you are
selfish and are always trying to weezle your way in between the
relationship I try to have with my father. I'm even more angry that
YOU dad, let this happen and don't actually show that you want to
spend time with us alone and show that you alway put (Dogmom) first for
everything??! I feel you guys are playing family with your dog, yet
you dad actually have four daughters and if I recall correctly when we
used to have animals at home you made it very clear that animals are
animals and humans humans, you even hated our cat when it would sit on
youoffice desk! And then to think of the idea that your dog goes to
all these ridiculous expensive hotels/grooming shit when you say
financially you are not doing well at all..?!?! Dad I'm mad at you for
many things and I think you are afraid to be around all four of your
daughters because you are scared of the confrontation you might get. I
know you love us and I really hope you know I Love you too. But I feel
you are not yourself anymore already for years and are caught up in
the pretentious fake world of LA living. I just wish you would for
once be honest and real with your emotions and feelings and hope that
one day you will become yourself again and be truly happy because
freankly I don't beleive you are happy. (Dogmom) if you really want a
chance to be accepted by me and by any people you will have to learn
to back off and give room for something real to grow. When we were in
Paris and you made this drama about how I went of on my own. You were
saying things how you were so looking forward to spending this time in
Paris with me. First of all this DAD, is something I wish you would
say and second, the whole reason I wanted to come to Paris or at any
time I see you guys is because it gives me the opportunity to see my
father! This has NOTHING to do with you (Dogmom). You don't and never
have felt your place, this is how I feel.
(Dogmom) I know you are going to be hurt by this email and you will probably
convince my dad that on how disrespectful and root I am and that he
should not allow me to talk to you both this way etc. I Know you
manipulate him because I SEE IT I know you also don't realize all the
time that you do this.. and I also know that you are a very lonley and
hurt human being due to proabaly things that have happpened to you.
However you are not the only one. DAD, (Dogmom), I'm scared for sending
this and for the affect this might have, but feel if I don't you will
never know how I feel and I would rather have you know how I feel and
you not wanting to talk to me again then to keep it inside. You have a
right to know.

I am new on this site and all the postings on this rather sad subject brought tears to my eyes as it's very close to home. I've been married longer (20 years and counting) to the father of my 3 adult stepchildren. Their mother passed away 9 years ago but was replaced in true form and spirit by the eldest adult stepchild and staunchly supported by the other 2 adult siblings. The nastiness and everything - I've experienced it all (been there, done that). I tend to bottle things up a bit so I've never made it known to them how much i get hurt by all the mindgames and undermining being done to me. Every meeting is traumatizing and it takes me a week or two to get it all out of my system (every bone and muscle is stressed out, so to speak). It's an unwinnable battle and not really worth my while especially if their partners are also in on the act (ganging up on me). I should have found this site sooner as somehow it gives me renewed strength to keep going with the cross I've been carrying for the last 20 years and more to come. Time and time again, I'd promise/remind myself to just stop trying (it being a lost cause and all) then out of my strong love for my husband, I would put myself through it all over again....sometimes, I'm starting to think that I am being unkind to myself as when will I ever learn my lesson....

Hello, all you wicked, evil stepmothers with erhum shall we call them ADULT stepchildren? I just received my Christmas birthday/Christmas gift and it was a much too small birthday hat with four candles on it, and a diaper bag. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Gawd who ever thought passive aggression would relate to gifts...oh wait a minute of course I knew that! And that is our reward for sending a very generous cheque:@ Perhaps I may send back the diaper bag with some very dirty, shitty, diapers in it! No wait, what a waste of my money.

Let me tell you ladies, I have been married to my husband for 16 years with his two so called adult children who are SD 36 and SS33 and it has never become easier, and as all the research shows, when the children don't warm up to stepmom it is almost always because of mother. Ya, So? So now I know it's mom's interferrence? Now what? Do you think that biatch is actually going to admit to causing the trouble? Not on your life! She is going to keep on pretending that she is an innocent little victim. Do you think husband is going to admit to it? Not on your life! Do you think the "children" are going to admit to treating you like shit and causing a lot of pain? Not on your life!

It has to be YOU that is causing all the trouble...YOU, the flawed, evil. wicked woman who has hoodwinked our sweet loveable father! He used to be such a a great guy and we used to be so close to him until SHE came along! So she "dug her own grave" and you deserve it. We can treat her anyway we want to, and our unchecked hostility is very ugly and we know our sweet loveable dad won't EVER defend HER from our attacks, so we can do whatever we want to do to HER.

Take off the kid gloves and fight back! They aren't little kids, they are fully grown adults who should get their just deserts.

Where to start - I have to get this off my chest before I burst and say something totally awful to this kid who I will call "Cain" (kid, who am I kidding.....he's 27) and alienate him (not worried about alienating him from me but rather his father) I hate my youngest stepson - well I don't really hate him, but he makes it more difficult all the time to like him - His father and I met long after his parents had divorced - when we met, Cain was in prison for malicious property damage.

From all accounts, Cain and his father apparently have never had a great relationship, in large part due to the biomom, who would allow the Cain to do/say anything he wanted without consequences (this has been told to me by several family members, including my other step son (Abel), now, my husband is not perfect, but does have a strong set of values and beliefs which have never quite meshed w/ Cain.

It seems the only time we ever hear from Cain is when he wants something (usually money) or wants to brag about something (what he has bought, his latest raise from his job etc) Cain has 2 girls from 2 different girls who he sees as often as he can (I will give him points for being there as a dad, although w/ his warped sense of entitlement, I'm really not sure that these girls will grow up well adjusted at all) - his choice of baby mothers are less than stellar, the 1st girl is a drug addict and his daughter is being raised primarily by the mothers parents, but he has liberal visitation. The 2nd baby mother is a girl who has 4 children, all with different men and met Cain thru a website promoting one night stands (most politically correct way I can say this)

So there's all the background, so the latest issue that has me so ticked off is that I had a surprise 50th birthday party for his dad, which I told Cain about 2.5 months in advance so he could arrange to take part or all of the night off from work, this milestone was apparently NOT important to him at all, he told me flat out he would not be making it as he had to work, however, when he was told 2 weeks in advance of the family Christmas party, he could make arrangements to take that night off. So frustrating, especially since his father has bet over backwards trying to strengthen their relationship, so what this tells me is that the effort is totally one sided (my husbands) I really want to tell this ungrateful sh*t how much I despise him, that he is selfish and insensitive, but I can't because I know he will use that as an excuse to lash out at his father.

I also do not want to see him and goodness knows that when Cain next needs money, I am not going to want to help (this is always a decision that my husband and I make together, given I take care of the bills, it's usually in terms of "what can we afford") I know this is going to be an issue - so what next - how do I get past my feelings of resentment and yes in large part my hurt feelings!

I find myself in a similar situation, although we are not yet married. I am dealing with two of my soon to be husband's "adult" children on a dating basis, and I am at my wits end already! Reading your posts, I'm not sure if I want to put myself through marrying this man and then tolerating the "adults" behavior. One of the adults lives with him, and routinely refuses to speak to me and disrespects me at every turn. I cannot understand why my BF will not give him an ultimatum; either act like you have some common courtesy or move! I have a 16 year old that behaves more maturely, and who knows I would never tolerate insolence toward him even if she didn't like him.

Yet another issue is that this man has been divorced since November 2008, and some of his ex-wife's things are still on his property, in his house, in his garage.

I'm not sure this is someone I can marry, as I have enough of my own dysfunctional family (from childhood) stuff to work out. There is so much more I can say that is just way weird in that family, but that is for another forum.

If you had to do this all over again, any of you, under these circumstances, would you?

OMG, my story is the same, except the adult ss lives with my fiance and I, and there is also a 16 yr old that bounces back and forth and takes over when he is here. It is unbearable, i do not want the twenty yr old here. he will not work, wont get a licence, and lays in bed all day and eats every fifteen minutes, he treats me the same way. Barely says hello in my own home, i spend most my time out of work in my bedroom. I dont know what to do either. I just didnt think anyone else was in the same boat as me, but, you are exactly in the same boat as me.

I have been a step mother for 18 yrs. I think I have bent over backwards to be good to my steps & the grand child.....but I keep having my heart broke. The step daughter is so nice to my face but her actions are not the same. I baby sit more than anyone for her. This post is more to vent....Mothers Day's nothing but a text. The Monday following she did bring cards from her and the grandson but only when she brought him over for me to babysit. My husbsand defends her and he never says anything unless to vent to me sometimes. I have children of my own and sometimes feel like I treat her better than my own.

Disengagement is the key. I met SD when she was 9 and she's 27 now. I disengaged about the time she was 20. Tried joint counseling with her after that and of course she no-showed for each appt: migraines, work conflict, blah blah. DH believed her excuses and still does. Finally - I just gave up. That was a sad day for me because I'm not a quitter and I like to "fix" things and I thought that I could help SD and SD/DH's relationship. I did counseling on my own and per my counselor's advice attended Alanon so that I could understand my role in this 3 ring circus.

I finally learned a few things:
I cannot make SD behave in way that I want her to behave
I cannot make SD like/love me
I cannot fix SD and DH's relationship
How DH parents SD is not my business
I determine how SD treats me
I deserve the same respect and courtesy that I extend to SD and others
I have the right to take care of myself and set fair bounderies
I have the right to exclude toxic people from my life.

So - I rarely interact with SD and that's okay by me. No 1 on 1 time with SD. She is welcome in our home as long as she leaves her baggage and drama at the door and DH is home.

Does it still make me sad - sure. Do I miss the little girl that I was close to once - yes. Do I feel guilty - no. Am I okay with the disengagement and do I have my home back - ABSOLUTELY.

Nothing changed in my situation with my SD until my DH stepped in a basically told her... That regardless of how she feels about me I am his wife.. And when she saw me she had better think of him.. and how she treated me he was going to treat her.. Until he put his foot down with his child she did not stop.. Once he did things have been much better.. I told him she does not have to love me but she will respect me and be polite to me in my presence. I also told him he had better handle the problem because I was not going to live the rest of my life with him being her Daddy and me being a piece of Shiot under her feet.. Not going to happen..

You would be amazed how things have changed since he told her you are not going to ruin my marriage.. I love you but I will not have a relationship with you if things don't change..

Like so many of the above, I too have had to deal with rude, obnoxious, adult sc. In the beginning I tried to me pleasant,polite and even helped them out on several occasions, but none of this helped. I agree that the best thing to do is to disengage and accept the fact that they will probably never change.

I also used to complain to DH, about his kids and like so many of you, got nothing but excuses for the way they behaved from him.

Things came to a head when I was chatting with somebody on Facebook and both SD's started making snide remarks when they joined in the conversation, contradicting everything I said and making me out to be a liar and worse. I immediately blocked them from my Facebook and this is when the s-t, literally hit the proverbial fan. Shortly after this, I went with DH to one of the SD's house on the birthday of her little girl and was told to leave and to take the gifts I had bought the child with me. Actually she used a lot of profanities and my DH was beyond shocked and for the first time ever, stood up for me and we left together.

Soon after this SD sent me an email telling me what a bitch I am and going on and on about all the things she dislikes about me. I replied by saying that there are always 2 sides to every coin and that there are many things about her that I find annoying and frustrating, but I ended the email by saying that this was now all in the past and suggested that we start again afresh and try to get along together. She replied by going on an on ad nausea about how she hates me, blah, blah blah...!!

I have come to the conclusion that I have acted in a mature and adult manner and that I gave her the opportunity to make amends, but obviously to no avail. So, I am done now and want nothing further to do with her or her sister. They are no longer allowed to come to our home if I am at home, as I refuse to be abused any further in my own home. I don't need them to like me or even get along with me if this is their choice.

Since making this decision, I feel so liberated, so much better about who I am and what I am all about and their hating me now just makes me laugh. If they do not possess the emotional intelligence or maturity to behave like the adults they are supposed to be, then why on earth should I care!!

I have many great and wonderful friends in my life and life is way to short to be giving away my power to people who clearly don't deserve my respect or acknowledgment!!

So, don't go beating yourself up on the futile mission of trying to get along with sk who are intent on making your life a misery!!! It is just not worth it in the bigger scheme of things.

Love, laugh and live, this is my motto!!

Amen Marbear!

I like you finally disengaged and am so much happier. The only regret I have about my disengagement is that I should've done it sooner.

It's great to meet so many going thru the exact situation as myself. I didn't read all the old posts as there are alot here but I read is so familiar. I too tried to be the perfect mom as bio mom wasn't a consistant part of the picture and stepsons were small. I thought the troubles we were dealing with with all be worth it in time and that one day the boys would be able to see what I had done for them and see their mom for who she was. If I wasn't ever mistaken. I too had the husband who just thought I wasn't trying hard enough and wouldn't put a foot down to his sons. I took so much disrespect and I did everything to defend myself. I finally went to an attorney at the point the younger boy was 18, I wanted to know my legal righst as a stepmom, found out it was basically nothing. I told him of the trouble and the attorney asked me why the 18 year old was still in the house. I then went home and told my husband that stepson goes or I will, he asked his son to leave. Stepson did not speak to me for several years, and it's been real rocky since. At one point I had disconnected but my husband wants me to be a part and he will not let that go. I then get to feeling guilty for not being more "kind" or "caring" and it all blows up in my face again. I know no other way to get this all to stop that to disconnect completely and stand my ground with my husband on the subject.

I went to a meeting of Al Anon last night- it's for people with family or emotional issues as well as people with alcoholics is the family.

I was stirred up & very emotionally upset. People who had been going to the meetings for a while got somewhat calmer, and people who had been going for longer were not only calmer; some talked about how when they changed, they were able to change their relationships with family members.

Part of the thing is "detachment" - not being emotionally affected by the behavior of others. That may mean staying away from the difficult family members (a solution that doesn't work if the family members are living in your home).

I wish you strength & happiness.

One thing that helps is to simply acknowledge it to everyone. Just talk about it at family gatherings, like "Oh, they don't talk to me." If there is any sign of improvement, announce that. Say, "So and so said hello to me." You need to act with utter confidence and stop treating it like it is a sign that you have a contagious disease. Banning them from the house is only a reminder of how much they can, and have hurt you, and how much power they have over you.

The problem is that you are ashamed and angry. You are internalizing their behavior as a reflection of your value and then seeking reassurance that you are worth something. Of course you're worth something. A lot. That is the message that you have to remind yourself. And that is regardless of whether they say hello to you or not.

I guess my question is how do you continue to care about the husband when he hasn't supported you. My husband is so manipulated by his kids out of guilt that he will put himself in financial jeapordy to support them. They are all grown up. I did the same thing, I disengaged from his family. I am much too old to be putting myself into situations that make me feel bad. After 6 yrs of marriage, I resent my husband now. We can't even have a discussion about his kids. The last time we did, I told him that I was sick of not having his support and he threw a soda all over the inside of my car out of frustration. That was the day I decided I would never utter a word about them again. It's kept the peace in the house but now I just want to be alone and not married. There's just too much water under that bridge now. By the way... my grown kids NEVER treated him badly. His kids treated my kids like crap and looked down their nose at them. The oldest kid is the instigator and sets the scene on how the others react. I am glad to know that I'm not alone with this stuff. If I ever get married again, I'm not ever going to make the first move with step kids. They are going to have to want to know me first.

I feel for all of the posts I have been reading and am in the exact situation with my two grown adult stepchildren. Bottom line: They never wanted a relationship with me. Having a relationship with me means they would be accepting the fact that Dad has moved on and isn't "in love" with their mom anymore. They didn't want that. They also couldn't accept the fact that they were adult children and needed to learn how to take financial responsibility for themselves. I don't know how long they expected to live on the dole, but they got cut off before they thought they should have. They were both out of the house before the money stopped flowing. And guess who they were pointing the finger at for the blame....me. They made up ideas that I "thought I was better than them". I think that's their own insecurities coming through because I never made any disparaging remarks to them. But again, I'm the one that's hated.

I don't care anymore. I finally got tired of trying to please and getting no where fast. It is so much easier to rid your mind of futile ideas of a wonderful relationship with the skids. When they don't want it, and being in drama all the time is to their benefit, then it is never going to be resolved. Just accept the fact that you cannot change what you didn't create....and hope the best for them. They are not welcome in my home.....I have drawn that line. I am taking their power away by setting some of my OWN boundaries with them. Live and let live. They can go their way and I'll go mine. My husband is supportive of my decisions and cannot understand his children's behavior...although the behavior is not a surprise. He had problems with them before I came into the picture. I could see issues when I was dating my husband, but I didn't take heed. Probably in hindsight I would have thought about what I was getting into a little more. It has been hard feeling hated and thinking you have to watch your back. Not a good way to live. But I feel I may have crossed the gully and am climbing up the other side. Life is better now that I have released myself of the responsibility of trying to establish a relationship where one was never wanted.

And in response to "how do you continue to care for someone who isn't supportive"....it's not easy. I have very hurt feelings over all of this. Husband has tried to be as compassionate to me as he can be. But just think of it this way. How can you go against your own flesh and blood? He knows they are rotten, but in the end they ARE his kids. You have to respect that. Be patient, but don't get bullied......don't give away the power you have over your OWN feelings.

Socalgal, I think Outofhope described it well.....it's really hard to see your own flesh and blood objectively. I think as the children grow up (I have 3 bios myself) we learn to cater to their needs and I think that is hard to turn off for some parents for a fear of losing the child or making the child upset when we have tried all their lives to support and make them happy.

There was a change for me at one point and I think it would have been real hard to continue had this not happened. There was a huge incident with the kids after they had all moved out. Oldest boy asked to meet with his dad. SS then proceeded to berate me and tell his dad that I shoudl not have done this, I should not have said that, he went on to tell him things I had never done, never said. Husband then knew that his son was only trying to create trouble. That was 3 years ago. Husband send a eCard on holidays to this son and that is basically it. He saw what I had been talking about all these years.

With the younger boy, his baby, it was alot harder for him to see but he finally messed up too. Husband told me last night that SS is being a "Little shit." He and I both got a email telling me off basically. I told him that I had to step away from the kids all together (raised both boys from 5 & 7) but stepmom was full of hate and made sure she implanted the same in the boys. He said he understood.

Blender, what a story about your XH's family at your wedding, and good for you standing up to the situation!

Hi, I am definately able to relate to all the posts here and I apologise for the length of this one, but this is not even half of it..
I have been living with my partner for 6 years. He was still married to his estranged wife until recently. He has an adopted son, who is a decent, caring man with a very laid back attitude to life. His half-sister, my partners daughter however is not like her brother. She has never had a full time job that has lasted more than a few weeks, she spends all her money on fake tan, makeup and going to clubs, well I say her money, she has always sponged off anyone who had money. Friends are no longer in existance and her boyfriend finally had enough, he was besotted with her but her nasty, malicious tongue wore him into the ground bless him. She has Daddy trapped on a permanent gulit trip after her mother abandoned them and moved abroad and a relationship that daughter says was physically and emotionally abusive. She still keeps in touch with them though.
Our relationship started out ok, with her telling everyone how good I was for her Dad and I'd seemed to have cracked it, being aware of her past I always tried to be kind and caring, it meant alot to her Dad that we got on too.
However in recent years there have been so many occassions when Her tirades on me have left me in tears. The basis always being 'how I don't like her or care about her' having bailed her out with final demands,taken her shopping, listened to her when she was upset etc etc...
The final straw has now been reached:
She is single, was staying with a friend about 150 miles away, we always visited every weekend and I know Dad gave her money and we always restocked the food cupboard. She was on benefits so had a small amount of money on a regular basis which she spent on her looks, hair extensions, fake tan etc. Her friend got pregnant and she and her partner wanted the house back for them, quite reasonable. I had put my house on the market as we were going to buy a house abroad and live in my partners house to stay here working to pay the holiday home mortgage. My partner has a house near mine as an investment, so our plans were put on hold and she moved in, dad paying for everything again.
After 2 weeks she said she couldn't stay here because she had no friends and she didn't fit in. Dad wasn't running round to her every five minutes and off she went back to yet another so called friend.
Another two months or so passedSold my car and house back on the market) and then she arrived on the doorstep in a bit of a state, telling us that she was pregnant. Only 7 weeks but she wanted the baby. So she moved back here, all plans completely and has been here ever since, my daughters and son trying to get her to go out with them, offering to take her to the doctors, benefits office etc. She had them running round for her too. I was always polite and welcoming but didn't run round after her, I didn't do it for mine either, so I was the 'evil bitch'(her words)and I hated her. A bit strong, did'nt like her, annoyed with her, yes.
My partner was in a difficult place, trying to maintain some normality but keep the peace with his daughter.
It finally came to a head when he took me out for dinner and told me I hadn't been supportive of her at all and that he wasn't going to miss out on his grandson and I had to, as the adult, make amends with his daughter, I wasn't aware that there was a major problem as such, just she didn't come round for dinner as much. Then he dropped the bombshell that he was moving out because of the rift and that he couldn't live with my son anymore. Up until that evening they had been mates, laughing and joking all the time, so it was all a bit of a shock. I reacted badly, I walked out of the restaurant and called my son to pick me up.
My partner says he loves me and if it was just us everything would be fantastic but his daughter and new grandchild have to come first, and that he won't give them up and that through my unreasonable attitude I was making him choose.
I am totally devastated,he is the best thing to ever happen to me and we are soulmates. I am a kind, caring person, an ex nurse and now a teacher. I'm not a bad person and have tried really hard to get along with his daughter, I don't know what i have done or said to cause all this but he says the only time we'll be together now is when the kids have gone. How do I get out of this I desperately want our relationship back to how it was.....

Thank you for your post, I was just venting really, I am afraid his daughter will use the baby as a bargaining tool. It's already worked, she had told him, now he tells me, that she was getting the baby adopted as she knew she couldn't cope on her own. Hence his decision to move out. I will definately get the book as you suggest, but in the meantime try to carry on as best I can.

When I stepped outside of my SD's life when she went off to college, it was the same behaviors she exhibited towards me that you speak of with your step-children. I told her not to contact me again until she was ready to have a mature relationship with me. I raised her since she was 9 and we were very close until college. It seemed to have fallen apart and was just irreparable. Unfortunately, my DH did not support me either. I was out there on my own. Trying to be happy with my own BC. I told her I would never close the door, but if she wanted to come back through it, it was up to her, but on my terms. My DH continued to have a relationship with her, but it was strained After about 4 years, she did come back to me. She wrote me a note and told me that she didn't know what happened all those years ago but she just wanted to put them behind her and move on. I took her at her word and we slowly developed a relationship again. I think it could be good, but whenever her father is in the picture, it's very strained. I can have a relationship with him, and I can have one with her, but not with them together. It's too hard. Also, now her brother, my ss20, is living off of her because we refused to let him live and sponge off of us, and now I feel as though that is going to ruin our relationship again. But, I just cannot be bogged down with their drama anymore. I have my own life. Good luck! You are most def NOT alone.

I've read advice telling S-parents not to try to be "the" parent. My problem is opposite, boundaries with the Adult S-children. Bare with me while I offer a little background info that will set up the family dynamics I walked into.

First, two of the adult children (now 26 and 28) are my husband's step children from his last marriage. I did not know about them until we had been together for one year. Second, the youngest was age 10 when we got together. Though most of the past ten years we have lived virtually next door, my husband was still held to a strict "pick him up at 5 on Fri drop him off by 5 on Sunday Schedule." The oldest was 30 when we met, and had been estranged from his father for two years already.

First mistake I made, taking on the issue of getting dad and oldest back together. Husband had told me that the only time this son had ever showed up for years was money, leave it alone. I got involved, he ended up moving in for a couple of months, I thought to help him get on his feet, but hubby was right. All he wanted was money,not family, he set around the house and had issues that were not good for the health of my bio son (then 10) so hubby set him up in an apt. in a city of his choice. Me, I'm the badguy, we haven't heard from him since. 5 years.

Second, think about the dynamics of living next door yet being held to such a strict schedule of visitation. Yet the SS told me each visit he wanted to move it with dad. When SS was 12 dad spent $3500 to gain custody, and ultimately SS told judge he did not want to live with dad. Mom had told him he would not be seeing his 3 new bb bros if he did. I have never been able to build a close relationship with him, but always tried to be kind and considerate. He basically cut us off, talks to dad on phone daily, but rarely seen him though he still lives next door. 2 years. (He is now 20 years old.)

Weirdest of all - the two adult Hubby's SS (yes he raised them, yes he thinks of them as his own, I am cool with this, he is their Dad,) but that does not make me their Mom. When I met my husband he rarely had contact with either. I made several efforts in the early years to invite them for casual family functions. It appeared pretty clear to me that the interest they did have was in what their dad did or did not own, and what was their right to his property in the future. Funny thing is (not!) I am the financial provider in this home. Both were adults when I met them. Both came in as adults when they saw their dad was serious about me and asked him to adopt them. Both run either hot or cold. Both have repeatedly come into my husband and I's home berating their mother. I have refused to play the good mom, bad mom game! I was not rude about this, but would suggest that they attempt to give their mom a chance. The son comes in a year ago (after only having seen him perhaps four or five times in 9 years), wanting to call me Mom along with his young child who ran into the home calling me Grandma. Sorry, but this freaks me out a little. It made me uncomfortable. For one thing I know that soon I would be the bad guy. Sure enough, since I did not play the game, next door mom is now the "good grandma." News Flash, I am not grandma at all. Now they all hate me and blame me that they do not have a relationship with their dad.

My stance is, and has always been, Hubby has the responsibility for his relationship with his children/step children. I have all I can manage being both mother and father to my own four children (3 are adults) whose fathers have never made much effort. My children have never tried to put my hubby in the role of father, and would never do all the game playing his children have perpetrated for 10 years now!

I am done. I have let it be known that I am not here to live up to any of their expectations of me. I encourage him to have whatever relationship with them he wants, but leave me out of it. We live in a small community and they have all (including their mom) done their best to make me look ugly to everyone. I just keep my mouth shut. I don't want to play their games. I don't want to be part of their drama. I also think that the much more public notion I keep hearing from so many step parents ("oh no, they are not my step children, I love them just like my own,") is a bunch of bull for the most part. What happened to boundaries? I was very willing and looked forward to being a friend to all these children, but since I cannot meet their criteria for being a substitute "mom" I choose to just be out of the picture.

Sounds like I have it all figured out, huh? Well, I do in my mind, but my heart continues to ache often, and I really feel alienated. This is not a topic I've had success with discussion with my husband. I guess I just have to come to terms with what I have personally decided, and give up on the fact that anyone involved will ever understand my side (including the community).

I really could use some feedback.

Hello Everyone I am new to this site.

I am having troubles making a decision with my problems. My husband and I have been together for three years now. I have three kids of my own who just adore him. His children who are 23 and 25 do not feel the same way. They do not speak to me or even acknowlege that I am here. They wont even call the house to speak with there father they call his cell phone as they do not want me to answer.Well the problems are getting worse and worse in the beginning they would invite there father out to dinner and coffee, but was told not to bring me. This has never changed any over the years. My husband goes even though it cause grief. He keeps saying they will change and ignores the subject. Well things are at there worst now. His son has just had a baby his first grandson, he went to the hospital to see the baby. He asked son if he could bring me to see the baby and was politely told by his daughter that he had to choose between them or me. Now he will not speak to me or anything. I am so confused do I let him go and be with his kids or do I try and tough it out hoping things will get better? He keeps saying to give them a chance and they will change, which hasen't happened yet. Now he tells me that he will no longer try to get them to get along with me or except me as he feels if he ignores the situation it will go away. I am so confused and am at the point where I don't care if he stays or goes anymore as it is always a fight anymore.

Amen! DH comes from the MOST enabling bunch of people I've ever met. No matter what any of them does, there's an excuse for it. I finally got to the point with the Skadults that I just gave up. It's beyond my scope of reality to even try to deal with them. He can defend them all he wants. I am not their mother, so I see them as society sees them, not as DH sees them. One of these days he'll get a reality check....sigh....

Your post has really been about my marriage of 23 years. I was 19 when I got married and have raised my stepkids since they were nine and six. Their mother despised me from day one. I can almost understand where she is coming from, when another woman comes into the picture and she thinks you will try to take her place as her children's mother. But I was never given a chance to show that all I wanted was to be their friend and support them. My husband and I were put through living hell because of her jealousy and with her working for the police department and her connections within the county and high society, we never had a moments peace until the children turned eighteen. We went through several custody battles, constant visits from the Children's social service, and nosey neighbors who later I found out were her friends. I can almost say we are in heaven now and allowed to live our own life without having it put under a microscope everyday.

She was a horrible mother who worked at night and left her children alone without a sitter. We could never say anything because of the consequences. I still have a lot of hate built up for what we went through and all that I gave up to be married to my husband. And I'm disgusted for all that I did to make sure they kept up with their mother's birthday, teaching the kids to grow up and rely on each other and they won't even call their father on Father's day or his birthday. All he ever gets is a mention on Facebook, which he never is on, or a text on his phone for Christmas. Their mother remarried into money and I believe that is why we never hear anything...because we don't give money out to buy their affection.

Yes, I can relate to your problem and then some. I can't give you advice but I can tell you that I have learned to live my own life and try not to think about what they think of me and all of the horrible nightmares we went through to try and keep them in a normal childhood. If I have to be around them for a family function, I put on my plastic face and pretend nothing is wrong for the sake of my father-in-law. He isn't feeling well and I don't want him passing knowing there are family problems. My husband knows how I feel and yes he is surprised that I stayed around after all that we went through. If I were to give you advice, the only thing I could tell you is be honest with your spouse and let him know how you feel. He will respect you and he may not be able to do anything to help. It is the price you pay to marry into a ready-made family. I wish you the best of luck!

I have a step daughter who now is 19. I've been in her life since she has been 6 1/2 years old. The past several years she has been becoming more difficult to deal with mostly not helping out in doing her part around the house. She is a good person, goes to college, works and volunteers. Since she is busy, I try to do some things for her to take the slack off so she can focused on school. Lately, she feels she doesn't need to partake in any chores, doing the dishes or even cleaning her room, etc. Her father doesn't believe she needs to help out either. She calls at the last minute to let us know she has other plans. When she does decide to show up, all she does is eat, make a mess, play on the computer and do homework. Since her father won't support me in asking her to help out, I've become the "bad" step mom. I've had enough of the rudeness, her being lazy and going behind my back. We recently had an argument and I told her, if she doesn't want to help with anything when she is here, then to make arrangement to see her dad elsewhere. Since then, she hasn't been over and then she just shows up and says, I need to talk with my dad. I feel disrespected and not sure what else to do.

Wow, you've had a lot of responses. You aren't going to get their love or respect. You can't keep them away from their dad. You can leave when they come over. You can ask your DH to meet them elsewhere everyother time so that you don't have to vacate. Maybe when they have kids things will get better. Kids are selfish and oblivious. Maybe one day our culture will change to allow for friendships between blended families...until then we're stuck with bitching on steptalk. Going to a counselor that specializes in the pitfalls of blended families might help. At least you'll get your thoughts out. DH can't change his kids. He could have a talk with them about making more of an effort around you. I was always nice to my SM. I knew that she was a better parent than my dad was.

Wow, I cant believe there are so many of us..I have even contenplated divorce.I cant deal with them anymore..I have had 2 heart attacks, and Cancer x2, with a kidney and rib removed...But not feeling up to battle is not enough to even get my husband to stand with me..He said I just hate his kids, and dont want them around..it may be like that now, but for yrs. I took their rudeness, and mental abuse , but I'm done...just cant take it anymore...My heart breaks to know that there are so many, and just not enough help to deal with this problem, and it is a life changing, life altering problem...I am praying for all of you...

You've got alot of great responses here and I hope you feel some confirmation for your thoughts and feelings. I too am a stepmom of 2 boys ages 27 & 29, have been their stepmom for 25 years, husband had custody of his sons, bio mom saw the boys once a year for about 4-5 weeks (and not every year)....she walked out of their lives when the boys were 2 & 4, if you can even imagine.

The oldest boy had a deep attachment to his mother and yearned for her call, a letter, anything from her and it never came. The younger boy wanted all of his dad's attention and would have crying fits over the littlest of situation to get his dad's attention. They both were thrilled with me and my kids, we had all kinds of fun for the first 2 years. the minute we told the kid we were getting married things changed. My girls thought it was great but the boys did not and it never got better.

The boys now have no relationship with their father or I. After several hate letters (emails) from the younger boy in the past year I finally had to disconnect completely. I decided I needed to get counseling to help me understand what had happened thru the years as ALOT of blame had landed in my lap, and all the while I really was trying. Counselor told me that she felt bio mom wanted all of the attention and could not share the spotlight so she had to tear me, the girls and their father down to make herself look good. The boys had already experienced her walk-out and knew all too well she was capable of it again and have never been able to risk that loss in their lives. Counselor said i could have been Mother Theresa and this would have happened.....nothing I did or didn't do, said or didn't say was good enough. The boys refused to accept me, were encouraged to hate by their bio mom, and I was the perfect target for all their hurt. My inlaws undermined my position as the main parent to these boys and stepped in when they would not have with the bio parents which again was detrimental to the relationship.

Seeing it this way, I realized I never stood a chance from the start. Counselor said that the boys may never be able to see that their anger towards me was actually the hurt they were dealing with from their mother's abandonment. I have equally disconnected from my inlaws as well. I do not email with them, do not go to family functions with them, didn't attend the last 2 funerals in the family. I ahve nothing to do with any of them. Did I do it in hate? NO! but I did decide that nothing positive was ever going to come from my involvement and I chose to save my sanity instead.

I husband wanted to keep me involved for the longest time. He wanted to show a united front to his family and to his sons but it was so uncomfortable for me. When his sons started attacking him, he then realized what I had been thru and distanced himself. he will be able to forgive before I will as he loves his children dearly and should but I am finished. I focus on my children, my family minus the boys, me and my marriage.

I am so happy to have stumbled on this site. I have known my skids for over 15 years and they have never treated me with anything but disrespect. Their parents were divorced long before I came on the scene. Even after their dad and I were engaged, they would ask him to go to the movies and then they would show up with their mom!

Not once have either one asked how I am, wished me happy birthday, asked about my job or anything. All they do is hang out with each other and ask their dad to do things with them. The SS is particularly rude to me. Mutters under his breath and rolls his eyes at every word I say. They are constantly wanting him to do things with them. That's nice, but how many adult children constantly want their dad to hang out with them??? I guess it makes my H feel good that his kids like him. I feel that they just want to separate him from me as much as they can.

I finally told my husband that I would not do anything at all with the SS. The SD is ok, but since she spends most of her social time with her brother, it's likely I won't be seeing her at all. I will not 'entertain' SS in my home again. Family dinners at holidays just will not happen any more, especially at MY home. My H can go see them at their homes.

I am pretty sick of my H not supporting me - I feel for the people who have posted that their spouse says that it's their 'fault'... that I should be the adult... (obviously since the skids don't now how to be). Well, I'm done with that after all this time. It is not going to get better and the only solution is to totally disengage. H can do what he wants with them, but leave me out of it!

I am so glad i came upon this.... i really needed this tonight. I commented on a few comments. But thank you everyone for your insite. Not that it is a good thing..but i am so glad that there are so many ppl with thse same issues... almost the same story...

This may be helpful to some.... i havent read the whole thing... but the little i did read is helpful.... found it on step talk.. http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/13430_Chapter9.pdf

You have so described what I have been dealing with for 22 years! My personal take is that both bio parents are the key to the success or failure of the stepfamily. You an outsider to the kids, you come in with welcoming arms full of hope for relationships and a door is slammed in your face because the kids feel threatened, are jealous and angry that parents are not together. The bio mom needs to give the children permission in a sense to love and accept the stepmom, same with bio da towards stepdad. Then both bio parents need to accept and support any call that stepmom or stepdad makes so there is not the running back and forth with hurt feelings that get suported when they should not. A bio parent can understand the child (even if adult) while lending support to the step parent. This is not easy but many make it harder than it should be as I think most times parents are too possesive of their children to let their child love anotehr parent equally, and the issues in the marriage between bio parents really become a roaring issue later without any resolve, all blame.

Let me give you a great example of what actually played out in our family and I think this will help you see the difference. Husband had 2 boys from previous marriage, I had 2 girls from previous marriage. Our exes had both abandoned their children and neither husband or I knew if they were coming back into the picture. We both came from intact families and we talked about the importance of trying to provide that intact home as much as we could. We told the kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads (my ex and his ex had also remarried). I gave my children permission to love their new stpmom and I tried to welcome not only my stepchildren with open arms but I did the same with my ex's new wife and my husband's ex. Ex husband's wife accepted, husband's ex did not and she made sure I knew that I ws not the mom to her boys and once she finally realized someone else was in the picture we had a fight on our hands....lies to the boys trying to get them to favor her over us, she was threatening legal action to file for custody and she made sure the boys knew. It was ugly to say the least.

The situation with my ex was not good as he too ws trying all the alienation tactics but I did not talk him down to the girls and I supported any decision for disapline his wife chose with the girls when they visited, she and I got along. Fast forward to today, 22 years later.....the boys are angry and bitter, have told us we did them wrong. The gilrs dad went thru another divorce and they now have a new lady to accept. Knowing again how important this is, I actually talked with my daughter and let her know that I have no problem with her hving a relationship with the new lady. I know who I am, I know my position in my girls' lives and I know that this new possible step mom has her arms open and it is important that my daughters be receptive. But some people just do not get that and I find it real unfortunate.

Aside from the ideal, if you are struggling with a situation like myself with my stepsons where they are being disrespectful and hateful towards you, I personally feel there is nothing you can do but back off. I ended up going to counseling after a real rough years of games and lies with one of my grown stepsons. My counselor told me that I was their scapegoat. The issues they had were with the parents and the lack of relationship with them but I ws the easy target for their blame. She told me to totally and completely disconnect and encourage my husband to deal with his sons and try to have a relationship with them himself, and that is exactly what I have done.

I feel my inlaws are angry at me and have supported the boys and now see me too as the problem but I had to let it all go. I know what has been happening inside this family and my inlaws do not. They are merely supporting their own flesh and blood. They may see me as cold and unloving which is not the case but by stepping back I have saved my sanity. That may sound really selfish to say but I was in a damned if I do, damned if I don't sitaution and the only thing I could do was back out. My husbadn was used to me taking care of emotional issues with family, including the boys, and I think this has caused us some feelings of seperation in a sense but really in all honesty it was always his respoonsible and not mine so I am just putting this back into perspective.

I hope that helps! this is not easy.

I think that the fathers are the issue. If they stood up to these bratty kids once in a while we may get the chance to develop a relationship. I have to admit that I am ashamed that I lower myself to my step daughters level. When she is behaving in an appalling way I put it out there, by saying that is a very nasty way to behave so the whole situation escalates. My husband takes her side always. I have learnt so much from your stories, mostly that the effort to keeping hitting your head against a brick wall is fruitless. Thanks so much for that. I do try to ignore the nasty comments but she repeats them over and over to get a reaction and she is 24. when her boyfriend is with her is rarely makes trouble. Anyway I am sure I contribute as I feel so tense at the thought of her trouble making I never want to see or speak to her and relieved she lives 8 hours by plane away.
Keep strong everyone, deep down we know we are good people and our own kids and family love us.

hi ,
i also can understand your situation better , my cousin also facing the same situation and she told me how insulted she feels some time when her step kids ignore her in public events .

The original post by Kate2009 could have been written by me. Her experience is the exact same as mine. If you read that post, you have also read my story. However I have more info that I would like to add to my story. In Kate2009's post where it gets to the part where she asks "Are my expectations that their father should set some strong boundaries around this behaviour too much to ask?" is where I will pick up on my story.

My husbands adult children were 23, 28, and 31 when we got married three years ago. I have two biological adult children that were 22 and 27 when we got married.

Keep in mind,that kate2009 story is identical to mine. I'm now at the point where I referenced her comment about the childrens father setting strong boundaries around such behavior . My husband would never step up to the plate and let them know that their actions were disrespectful and unacceptable. The only thing that he would say to them was " I just want everyone to get along". That was the extent of his "so called setting boundaries".

After we had been married for four months I'd had enough of the entire situation. I told him that I loved him but I was not going to continue to put up with it and that I would be moving out soon and going back to my home that I own , where I was living before he and I married, which was 120 miles away from where we were living at his house. We had to live there because of his work , where he had been employed for 20 yrs.

I gave him a date that I planned to move out and be gone. I told him that I was not leaving him, nor did I want a divorce. I also let him know that I did not care at all if he continued to have a relationship with his children but that I would never have anything to do with them ever again. This was a very destructive and volatile situation. Everyday was some form of explosive encounters with, or regarding his children. For my own sanity, I told him I had to leave.

I reminded him that this was for my own peace of mind and that I would not live the remainder of my life in such a horrible situation. I had already been through enough heartbreaking devastation in my life the past 5 yrs and that I would not allow myself to live in constant controversy with his children.

I never gave him any ultimatum about choosing me or his kids. I did let him know that he was welcome to move with me if he chose to do so, or else he could remain in " hell " with the current situation. He chose to leave and fortunately he was able to get a job transfer with the company that he worked for , into the city where I previously lived and was moving back to.

I encouraged him to remain in contact and communication with his adult children as I knew he loved them, and I would never ask him to put them out of his life, however I let him know to leave me out of it entirely. We did move to my home and he made attempts at staying connected with his children. Because he had chosen to move from his original home ( in the same city where his children live) into my home 2 hours away.. they accused me of "taking" their father away from them. Keep in mind these are grown ups. His children have now decided that they do not have a father and that in their minds he is " dead " All because of ME. Those were their words to him... the last time they spoke, they said you are no longer our dad and you are " dead " and GoodBye. This is very disturbing to me that they could do this to him all because of me. Even more disturbing is to hear someone say such a thing, after having lost my first husband to a sudden death from cardiac arrest and that my biological adult children would never see their father again. I just couldn't then and can't now figure out how my step children now consider their father "dead".

As for myself I no longer care that they hate me, nor do I have any desire to make any attempts to have them a part of my life. My husband knows that his children are not welcome in my home, which is now our home, but I would not have them in my home ever, but that he was free to go visit them at any point in time that he chose to , outside our home. But it doesn't matter now, because to them ,he no longer exists. I see that this hurts him deeply that his children will not talk to him and consider him dead and gone.

On a good note... my two adult children were totally open, warm, accepting and respectful of my new husband. Even after losing their own father to sudden death when they were ages 17 and 22... they were still open to me finding someone new to spend my life with. There has never been one unkind or disrespectful word between my children and my husband. They even call him dad and are more like children to him than his own biological children.

I guess the biggest issue , once again , is that I see how hurt my husband is over his children never wanting to have anything to do with him in this life , ever again ! Yes he and I have had some rough battles over that horrible situation we were in with his children and the meddlesome ex wife of his. We have come to terms and made our peace with everything and continue to live a happy life and marriage. The only bad thing now is the anguish and hurt he feels with being considered no longer living according to his own kids. Its a bit difficult when people ask him if he has children and where they live, whether he has grandchildren , etc.... and he has a pained hurt look on his face as though he doesn't know what to say.

He does have grandchildren, ages 12, 10 and 2.. and has never even been allowed to see the 2 yr old and will never see the other two again, unless, when they are adults , they chose to make contact with him.

Sorry this became such a long post to this thread... I get started sometimes and don't know when to stop, but I wanted you all to know more of the story. If anyone has comments, or thoughts, or questions, please feel free to ask..

Kate 2009,

I have come to realize that my husband needs to have a healthy relationship with his kids that does not necessarily have to include me. I am in control of the level of disrespect I will tolerate from his grown children. I have to come to understand with step-children you don't have to "DO" anything. For some crazy reason you are not liked from the very beginning. My SD still wants her mother and father to get back together after 15 years of being apart. Even knowing how miserable her father was being with a woman that constantly cheated on him and then walked out on the kids when they were all teen-agers. There is no logic in that and therefore I most of us step-parents are not dealing with logic. I treat my step-children like I would a misbeahing 10 year old. I don't pay them any attention unless they behave.... Believe me I sleep better now that I have adopted this outlook...

Wow, how good does this page make me feel. Kate, you are telling my life story. 3 weeks ago I finally told my adult stepdaughter she was not welcome in my house. I did this after giving my husband the opportunity to tell her as she had arrived unannounced and unexpectedly at our front door. He of course declined and told me to do it. Once again I am the bad guy. She had turned up some 3 weeks earlier and my husband's solution to that visit was to tell me not to open the door. This woman has been in my life for almost 8 years now, and like you has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome in my own home. My husband's children have never used my name, no need really, because they don't speak to me. After being invited to the SD's birthday party I found myself sitting alone on the sofa, whilst everyone else including my husband had gathered round the kitchen bench, and had all been offered and given drinks, everyone except me that is. At the cutting of the cake she passed cake around until she got to my husband, gave him a slice of cake, then started going around the other way so she could avoid giving me a slice. I felt horrible sitting at the table and being treated like that, my husbands solution - to pass me his bit of cake and ask this little cow for another slice for him. He just sticks his head in the sand and pretends that it will all go away. Her fiance has told my husband and myself that she has every intention of breaking us up, and once she has done that whe would like to see us both dead. My husband's reaction to that - she wouldn't say that, he's lying. She is a blood sucking parasite, and even after my husband had been put off work after 42 years with the same industry, this girl's fiance had the cheek to ask if he had been given a pay out, when my husband said he had, his darling daughter said "Oh good, now you can buy me a boat, I've always wanted a boat". Husband thinks she didn't mean it. Anyway, far too much has been said and done by this piece of work and her smart mouth has been heard in my home once too often, she verbally abuses her father and is flat out trying to make him feel guilty for leaving her mother, even him being diagnosed with prostate cancer didn't stop her from pushing and pushing him, yet he still doesn't see it. I have given this girl every chance, and the first 3 years she was in my life I bent over backwards to make her feel welcome, however, she took my kindness for a weakness and instead of being friendly or at least civil, she just kept on dismissing me in my own home and demanding things from her father. 3 weeks ago, I had had enough and told her never to come back. Don't know where this will all end up, as my husband thinks as I am the adult here (she is almost 30), I should have given her yet another chance, I have given her chance after chance after chance, and I discussed with my husband late last year what would happen when her first child arrived (she got herself pregnant), we both agreed if she kept it up then we had to acknowledge there was no hope. Sure enough the night after the baby was born, my husband and I went along, he assured me she knew I was coming and was happy for me to come.....well, she was so happy when I approached her with gift in hand - she turned her head and looked at the mattress, wouldn't even acknowledge I was in the room. At that point I was done with her and my husband was well aware of that decision, he agreed to it. He did at first stand by me (for once), until my father in law interfered, and that has led to a whole new set of problems. She put some photos of the baby in our letterbox addressed to Nono P, I saw that as being provocotive as I have three biological grandchildren and nothing has ever come to this house addressed to Nana - always Nana and Pa, he says it didn't mean anything. Yes it did, it meant what she has always maintained - she does not want me in her life, and she certainly does not want to be a part of mine, nor will she allow any child of hers to be in my life. So now the decision to keep her out has been made, and I am glad I made it, I am wondering where it will go. My husband on the surface seems fine, but I know he is annoyed, so the cards could still fall against me here, and I still feel under pressure. However, I honestly believe that my husband had 8 years to shut this girls smart mouth, and did nothing, so he's missed the boat and that is his own doing. I have told him time and time again to pull her into line and he has time and time again failed to do so. I cannot for the life of me figure out why these father's all seem to be so weak, my own father would never have allowed this kind of nonsense from any of his three daughters. Anyway Kate, I don't think there is a solution, these SK are adults, they have made up their minds, and right or wrong they are sticking to it. If we want change here I think we are the ones who are going to have to make it happen. I have taken the first step by banning her from my home, and if my husband does not settle down with that decision, then I will end the marriage as I cannot live with the hatred spewed out by his daughter towards him and myself, and I cannot stand the fact that all 3 of his children two older boys and the princess, can come into my home and with no embarrasment whatsoever, pretend I am not in the room. If I offer drinks, they ignore me, the girls fiance will then repeat the question to her, she will tell him yes or no and he will turn around and give me the answer...........WTF is that. Sick to the back teeth with the whole damn lot of them. So,very, very sorry for the ranting guys, but it sure feels good to get some of this black stuff out from inside of me. Good Luck to each and every one of you, I hope you make decisions that are right for you, and in the end obtain some happiness, life is far to short for this nonsense to be going on in our lives

My story is very similar to yours and I could go on and on with incidents such as being invisible, constant sideline conversations, sadistic games, being a tight-wad and treated very disrespectfully. I thought if I was nice, they would finally like me. This went on for over 20 years and HD did nothing about it. He continued to accuse me of 'Making them uncomfortable' but could never quite tell me HOW I was making them uncomfortable. Once on my birthday DH said 'Happy Birthday' but they said nothing and treated me like I was invisible. When I said, "Good morning to SD's hubby he stared at me with so much hostility! I asked DH why. He replied, "He's just trying to protect her." I asked, "From what?" DH had no answer but never had the guts to set limits for SD and hubby. Finally, when they were having one of their many sideline conversations, I asked if they would please speak up. They both came unglued, screamed and ranted, SD pushing her finger into my face, threatening. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I will not allow her around me or in my house. I am not stopping DH from visiting her whenever he wants but he will have to do it in another location. She and her hubby have done some pretty nasty things and I do not trust them in my house. It has been 8 months since I have disengaged and it has been pure heaven!

Ymint and StepAside. After joining this site and reading all the comments not only do I feel that I am not going insane anymore, but I have come to realise that I have very much done the right thing in banishing my husbands daughter from my home. I am left with just one question now - is it possible we have all married the same man and are dealing with the same adult step daughter.

Thank you all so much, even though we are strangers the support I have found here on this site makes me feel as though we are all the best of friends. Thank you StepAside and Ymint in particular.

Ymint and StepAside. After joining this site and reading all the comments not only do I feel that I am not going insane anymore, but I have come to realise that I have very much done the right thing in banishing my husbands daughter from my home. I am left with just one question now - is it possible we have all married the same man and are dealing with the same adult step daughter.

Thank you all so much, even though we are strangers the support I have found here on this site makes me feel as though we are all the best of friends. Thank you StepAside and Ymint in particular.

Well, I finally got the courage to ban the coniving, sneaky manipulative adult step daughter from my home, and what does she do. Rings her 87 year old nono who has recently undergone surgery for bowel cancer and has remained quite ill since the op. Crying on the phone to nono about being banned from the house and daddy not seeing her. Does nono ring us, no he sides with his precious grandchild, who has seen him probably 5 times in 10 years, and hasn't spoken to him on the phone for over a year. She never rings him for his birthday, Christmas, Easter, nothing. Yet he feels sorry for her because she was crying (she does that when she can't get her own bullying way). So, now nono has told my sister-in-law that he doesn't want to see his son or myself (who has called him daily for years), and who have visited him as often as we can, but he does live a 4 hour drive away so we can't do it every weekend. Anyway, not only does he not want to see us, but he has instructed his daughter not to inform us when he dies, he doesn't want us at his funeral. Lovely. This wicked woman, has driven a wedge between my husband and his sons, my husband, myself and my father-in-law, and between myself and my husband. My peace was very short lived, three blisfull weeks, and she is back, without even seeing or hearing from her, she has again found a way to hurt her father and I, but sadly most of all, she has made her 87 year old grandfathers last days on earth miserable and alienated him from his son, his choice you could say, but if you knew this manipulting little bitch you would probably understand why this old man fell for her crap. To all you step adults out there who think this kind of behaviour is your birth right IT'S NOT. Karma will get you, and it won't be pretty, so for your own sakes GROW UP NOW AND STOP ACTING LIKE SPOILT BRATS. You may be having a ball making other people miserable right now, and feeling quite proud of yourselfs, but what you sow, you reap. So I would be damn careful about how you treat people from now on, because this childish behaviour of yours will get you back sooner than you think. One rule in life is all you need, 1 simple rule.....Treat other people the way you would like to be treated........and you idiots cannot even follow that. Grow up. Your counterpart here has just ruined the last days of an old man's life on this earth because she thinks it is her birthright to get things the way she wants them.

Visit to FIL over, step daughter not mentioned FIL law cool to both my husband and myself, a lot talk in Italian that I could not understand, but judging by my husbands demenour nothing said about his charming daughter and I would have been made well and truly aware of it I'm sure if that had been the case. So, it would appear from what sister in law says all three of my husbands children will be going up to see him this month. Seems FIL is blissfully unaware that these three now want to be close to him. SIL says the closer he gets to the grave the closer my husbands three try to get to him. Seems both my husbands sisters are well aware of the manipulation these three are capable of. How odd that SD seems to have surrounded herself with males willing to do her bidding and that females give her a wide berth. What a shame for her newborn that this woman doesn't are about anyone or anything. I have been convinced since she became "accidently" pregnant that this "deliberate" pregnancy was her desperate bid to come between me and daddy. I truly a sorry for that new born baby.

Practically every post here has struck a chord with me. I've found it extremely difficult to find much of anything that relates to ADULT skids. Seeing so much here that mirrors what I've been dealing with is amazing & helpful. Thank you all.

I am already at the point of disengaging, but that disengagement also includes my DH. I have 2 sets of skids. Those from his first marriage are fine. It's the 2nd set and his clingy, needy, toxic ex that are my problem. DH's first marriage had problems, but it lasted 14 yrs & 2 children (boys -last one at the end of marriage, to 'save' it ). He divorced 1st wife for #2. He and #2 had almost 20 yr marriage and 2 children (boy/girl). She divorced DH (their youngest, the princess, had just finished jr yr of high school) for another relationship. DH and I got together and married 1-1/2 yrs later. #2 got dumped by her married 'relationship' shortly after she & DH's divorce and (except for a brief respite when she had another b/f) she has been a royal pain ever since, both financially & emotionally, and their 2 kids have followed suit. My DH had plenty of opportunity to get back together with her if that's what he wanted and didn't. I thought things would be okay for us -ha, what a dope I was. I am pretty sure she is borderline personality disordered and I can definitely say she has made a chump out of my DH and he's clueless. She gets off on conniving more money from him that he's had to borrow or take out of his retirement funds. His finances are a shambles due to divorce and her and both their entitled kids. The princess SD does get the lion's share, but the BPD-ex is not far behind. I found quickly I get no voice in financial decisions (his earnings) -none of my business.... I support myself financially for all my personal needs, contribute to 'ours', cooked & cleaned myself blue in the face for 6 years of pool & other parties for his brats & friends & family at our/his house, shopped my butt off (& paid)for gifts for them (I've never received anything from them), and have bent over backwards to be nice regardless of what they pulled, but that's going to stop. Both kids are married now (24 & 27), but not off the dole. The princess has gotten luxury travel trips, attended a horribly expensive private college & now a god-awful expensive private law school & personal expenses (surely her husband could foot some of those & their mortgage?) that DH can't afford either, but insists he's going to pay for all somehow. Got a huge mortgage on our/his house too, courtesy of the divorce (yep, I am living in 'their' house & he doesn't want to change anything -it's horrible). He's paid all expenses for the kids by himself -no contribution from the ex and no college funds for either of them. There's lots more, but this is too long as it is. -sorry:)

My biggest issue is the emotional non-suport from my DH, his selfishness for himself and his last 2 kids, and his inability to set boundaries for the ex. I'm not a bio mom and married for the first time extremely late in life, so that probably doesn't help. Perhaps it is a 'guilt' thing for him, but he bends over backwards for these last 2 skids ('real' family) and I'm left hung out to dry. Of course there have been the invitations where I stupidly found I was not expected or welcome -too late-, as well as downright rude & obnoxious behavior in our home. I know he's aware of it -he just ignores it and has actually participated in it -if his kids are around everyone else is ignored. It's embarrassing and, at times, has been downright humiliating. He has even made get-together plans with them that just plain exclude me (that have even occasionally included the ex-wife!). Maybe the d-a thinks he is sparing me while satisfying his fatherly duties, but I am so utterly hurt by his actions I can't see straight. He tells me every day that he loves me, but he's been a sneak about so many things (tried to hide, but I later found out) and/or given me partial information or told me stuff he's done after-the-fact.

So I'm not sure where I am right now. We've been married 6 years and things have not gotten, as he continued to assure me they would, any better. If I divorce him I will be hurt financially, and at my (our) age that is a consideration. I can't help feeling at a loss why he married me and how he seems to expect me to tolerate what's been thrown at me. It's a damned shame I do still love him, but divorce is on my mind too frequently and, at this point, my attitude has gotten so bad he may agree it's the only solution. If it's just us we're pretty good, but the kids & ex play into things so heavily it's rarely just 'us.'

I only know I'm sick & tired & outraged at being given so little consideration or support and he flies off the handle if I try to talk to him about any of it. Dadblamed holidays coming up soon are starting to get me discombobulated too. And he just told me this morning 'he & kids' are having noon Thanksgiving dinner with my MIL(in a nursing home). I thought both of us were going to eat with her because we're also supposed to go to an early evening Thanksgiving at my brother's home and the timing was going to work out well. I'm guessing he's now got it worked out that I will have to take my mother (95) by myself and he will drive himself so he can leave early. He has told me he's had enough in-laws & doesn't want anymore -so I'm left on my own for my family get-togethers unless we have them at our house. Basically, I guess he's not much of a husband period. Have toyed with the idea of counseling, but it's kind of scary to me and I don't know how to even start looking into it. Anyone else had experience with it. Could it help me?

Thanks for listening to my venting and thanks again for all the posts on this subject. I am not ALONE!

Hi Kate another one with adult stepkids. I put up with the exactly the same crap as you did for 8 years. However I do not for one second blame the stepkids I blame my husband fair and square. He sat there and did nothing, absolutely nothing about their rude ignorant behaviour, he should have been ashamed of them and ashamed of himself. They made me unwelcome in their homes, but worse, they made me unwelcome in mine. They would come here with their vodka drinks, offer them around to each other and dad, and leave me standing there and my wonderful husband did NOTHING. So, the end result is this, because my husband failed to teach his children manners, or demand respect for his wife, I suffered the consequences of that. Now, Because he failed to do that, and I decided last August that enough was enough after yet another incident, I banned his daughter from our home, she in turn being pack leader, would not allow her brothers to come here either. Now what I see is this, they are happy they have nothing to do with me, I am thrilled to pieces that I have nothing to do with them, and my husband is miserable because he does not see his children. I am not a cruel person, but unless he himself suffers the consequences of his actions, he is never going to learn, so currently, sk are happy, I am happy, husband not so happy. Now he can fix up the mess he created or live in it. I surprisingly enough, feel sorry he is unhappy, but what can I say, too bad, so sad, he stuffed it, he can fix it. You are not alone, we are out here by the millions.

KATE2009, to date 157 responses to your post - still feeling alone in this I found this site late last August early September and it has been a Godsend. While knowing we are all out here in the same boat doesn't fix your problems I hope it makes you feel better to know that this is not yours and yours alone, you are in no way causing the problem here ....it is just the way it is. Hope things get better for you. Good Luck and all the best.

I too am in the process of disengaging from my skids. Sarah101's advice is good. It is best in your situation to stay away from the skids. You can't change them, and if they refuse to grow up emotionally on their own, there isn't much you can do about it.

Go have fun without them!

I am another stepmother of adult kids that feels this post was written about my life. SD is 27 and SS is 25. From day one of DH and I dating they made sure that I knew I was unwelcome. They have spent the last 7 years emotionally abusing me. Like may of you DH has made every excuse in the world to justify their behavior. After so many years I have now disengaged. I say hello and good bye to them but that is about all. I refuse to put myself out there anymore because I just get kicked in the teeth again and again. Well this Thanksgiving SD called DH and told him that they were not coming for Thanksgiving(the spend whole day with BM but come see DH for about 15 minutes. Mainly to make sure SD gets her birthday entitlement money) SD spoke to DH for about an hour totally trashing me and telling him that I did not even say hi and bye to her the last time I saw her. This was a total lie because I make sure that I do. Well DH fell for it hook line and sinker. He apoligized to her repeatedly and told her over and over how much he loved her. He also told her that he would be seeking help from a councelor for me to help me with my problem. Not once in the last 7 years has SD or SS apoligized to me for their cruel abusive treatment of me. They were allowed to do so with DH never saying even a word to them. It might upset them then they would only give their love to their BM. I have now disengaged from DH as well. He totally threw me under the bus. Everything I read here I can truely see that it really is abuse. It has the same effects on us as it does on a child who is abused or a spouse who is abused. Seeing SD and SS has the same effect on me as seeing a abusive spouse would have on a abused spouse. Your heartrate speeds up your palms begin to sweat. The anguish is real. You are not crazy. How could someone who loves you fault you for finally standing up for yourself and saying I will not let you abuse me anymore? I was not put on this earth to be abused by you just because I fell in love and married your father. My love goes out to all you ladies who have had to experience this same kind of pain.

4 years ago i met the man of my dreams. I never planned on falling in love again but i did. I feel like God brought this man into my life and will think that tell the day i die. He was very funny he made me laff all the time and we would talk for hours. My husband lost his wife in an accident it will be 5 years pretty soon. I have never been a step mom. I am a mom but never a step. I fell deeply in love with my husband he was married for 33 years. and thats why i have been so understanding or have tryed to be. I have never lost a life partner in the way he has. but i have lost a mother and i know what that feels like. When i met my husband i use to be nice now i find myself being alot tuffer my heart i guess. When my husband calls me the wrong name does it hurt yes but i tell myself in time . I moved to my husbands home where he shared his life with his wife. There are photos on the living room wall of there life. and there are a few of us. Part of me wants them down but then another part of me says you cant ask him to forget the life he had. the photos are apart of his memories. and he has a right to them. My husband is a great man. but when it comes to his kids he is very defensive of them. The day my husband took me to meet his adult kids i first met his son. he was very nice to me i was so glad and yet scared because it was importaint to me for them to like me because i really loved there father. Then it was on to the next daughter its his step daughter but he raised her most of her life.. so she is his daughter. when we got there my husband interduced me to his son in law and daughter my son in law said if you dont have a sence of humor you wont make it in this family. i just laughed i didnt no what to say. his grandaughter wispered something in my ear for the life of me i dont recall what it was but i do remember it being very nice. after awhile i went back home. I dont recall how many days had went by but my husband asked me to come visit with him again at his daughters house and i did it was for a few days.. my husband was working in the trailer he has a trailer there for his bussiness. i was in the house wanting to get to know his adult kids. i was sitting on the couch and his daughter and son in law were by the fire place i had told his daughter that i was sorry about her mom and that i wasnt here to take her place but that i would like for us to be friends the son in law said they throught i should get a job making my own money that i was reaping the rewards of there mothers death and that they didnt think it was right that my soon to be husband was making my car payments. I had cleaned there home after a few visits living room kitchen and laundry...they pointed out that they didnt care for me doing this because they didnt no me. he also said they blame my husband for there mothers death because she was on her way to do taxes.wasnt his fault. I went out to the trailer and i told my husband only about the part where they felt i should get a job. because if i had told him the rest im sure it would have hurt him. he talked to his son in law the next day and the son in law said that i misunderstood him.. I didnt. Im not sure if my husband believed me or not but i no what was said and i didnt misunderstand. I got married and it was so nice thats when i met his other daughter. She didnt talk to me much but i understood here is another woman in her dads life. the following day we were at my husbands home and his youngest daughter kept going into the house just acting really funny. after she left she had taking something that didnt belong to her it was her fathers. when he called her on it she denied it but he new. it turned out that his youngest daughter who is 25 is addicited to precription drugs along with his son. Did i no this no. But i loved my husband and was going to stand by him and try to also help his adult kids. the only thing i could do was lisen and i did over and over. Tryed to give advise nothing worked. when his son got busted in ca for drugs i went and got him out and got his truck out of the tow yard. when his grandson wanted a new car my husband got him it i drove 5 hours to pick the truck up and came back the same day. I one day asked his son how many cars has your dad bought for you he said 38. yes 38..he is 31..the last car he took out and set it on fire and tryed to do an insurance claim on it. didnt work..they got money from there mothers death so he got another truck with his money and its gone because someone kidnapped him and took his truck. he stole money from his father and stole money from people my husband knows he also stole this ladys medicine for canser and he lied about not taking it. then he finily admitted he took it. she got it back but not all of it. I could go on and on here. here are more of the things that have been said to me.well maybe i shouldnt. but i will tell you that everyone of his kids talk bad things about him to me then say if i say anything they will deny it. i cant talk to my husband about it because he is very defencsive of anything that comes to his kids.He talks alot with his step daughter he tells her everything sometimes i think its because she reminds him of his wife. sometimes i wish he would come to me the way he does to her. anytime these kids want anything they play on his feelings and he feels bad because they dont have there mom anymore. well let me tell you. when my mom died it didnt give me the right to be rude to others. everyone has lost someone in life.How does one deal with all of this im not sure but i am trying. but i dont like all the drama. i just want to love my husband for the rest of what ever life has left for us.

Hello everyone... something from the male point of view. We all make misktakes, and if not caught early on become enslaving. My girlfriend has six children who are now adults, and oddly enough it's the girls that made their way independence and the boys (23 & 24). They live at home... enjoy their money and dummy step dad flips the bill with her 16 year old daughter who receives SSI due to her vision condition. I'm just about ready throw up i'm so pissed with myself for getting into this relationship, but i have a heart; which i'm ready to throw in the dumpster. I always look at the glass half full and half empty... because that's what it is, a two sided coin. It's not their fault (the boys) since mom is still breast feeding them... i blame myself for being to much of a coward not having left when i had the chance... Ladies, if you instill in your children the feeling of security that any decision they make cannot be made without MOMMA... please don't invite a man into your life to go through this non-sense... because you will be the one to suffer the greatest, since you will suffer the failure of another relationship, the regrets of your decisions, the being despised by your boyfriend or husband, but the saddest part is that your children will do anything to protect their slave,yes, THEIR SLAVE... because you will be alone when they decide to leave you alone for a lover, and will keep an eye on you from far away to make sure you don't make the same "MISTAKE"... be happy with yourselves, so you can be happy with others and don't think for a single moment that your failure to correct your past mistakes will not be construed as weakness. I already have my bags packed... EVEN THOUGH IT'S BREAKING MY HEART... I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT ME TOO!

So sorry you are going through all this Hector. Sadly it is too late for most of us here. You are right, you do have to care about yourself. Good luck!

Hector I agree with all that you are saying, but would add it is the same for the dads who are more concerned about being adored by their little Princesses, than they are about bringing up happy healthy well adjusted young women. The dads who want to be the MAN in their daughters lives, even if she has a man of their own, daddy still wants to be top dog. The dads who have not allowed their daughters to grow up to be independent young woman because daddy didn't want to let go of his little girl. These men have not only spoilt these woman crazy, but have taught them to think they are the centre of the universe, and when daddy moves on with another woman..........all hell breaks loose. These woman have come from a home where bio mum clearly sat back and allowed her husband to treat his daughter as "special" and daughter has learnt she comes first.

So the problems are mostly caused by bio mums and dads who hated each other so much in the marriage they focussed all their attention on the kids, mums to sons, and dads to daughters and they created spoilt monsters who do not know how to function in the real world without mummy or daddy, mum and dad, are so caught up in this they are terriffied of losing the adoration of their precious child. The fact that these kids are now in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s, doesn't seem to cross the minds of this type of parent.

UNLESS THEIR IS REAL PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL ABUSE GOING ON, THE MARRIAGE COMES FIRST - IF COUPLES LOOK AFTER EACH OTHER ALL ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE. IF ONE PERSON IS LOOKING AFTER THEIR PRECIOUS SON OR DAUGHTER FIRST AND WILL NOT CHANGE THAT POSITON, THE MARRIAGE WIL FAIL. THAT IS NOT THE FAULT OF THE CHILD.

The marriages are not destroyed by these useless kids who have been mentally and emotionally crippled by their bio mum and dad, it is destroyed by the parent who refuses to see what has happend, and then as you say tries to get themself into a new relationship with a new partner but still maintains that little freddy or fiona are the centre of their universe and can do no wrong. They still in the second marriage fail as parents and as partners.

Unfortunately too many people don't get it when you say the marriage comes first, they somehow read that as neglecting the children. It is not that way at all. In a healthy marriage mum and dad look after each other physically, mentally and emotionally first, and by being there keeping each other healthy and happy in every area of life the support they give to one another just naturally trickles down to the kids who come from a healthy happy home where mum and dad love each other and treat each other with respect. What greater gift can you give a child than to bring them up in a happy healthy environment.

Same people who think kids come first are often the same people who think that kids suffer due to a broken marriage, and they don't see the contradition in their comments.

Our role as parents is to bring our children up to be independant, adults who can form relationships of their own and live a healthy happy life. If we do not teach our children to respect their partner, if we instead teach them that they come first,that by screaming, yelling, demanding and bullying they can get their own way, what do they learn, they learn to be selfish self centrered adults who think the world revolves around them and they are unable to form healthy relationships of their own because they have never learnt to respect another persons needs. The turn out to be people who care about no one except themselves and ultimatley they suffer for that. Marriage comes first.

If my SD were coming here and I had other plans I would continue with my plans, but hell would freeze over before I would let her force me out of my home just because she was an ill mannered rude spoilt over indulged baby in a grown woman's body. Once you leave the home because they come into it, you start a whole new set of problems. If they don't like you, don't come to your home, or let dad go out, but no way in hell would I leave to indulge her any more than she has been indulged. Dad and mum have given her her own way her entire life and look how that turned out, no thanks, not adding any more fuel to that monster.

Well that depends on who's perspective you are looking at. From where I stand my husband has two boys one 36 and another 34 as well as this 30 year old Princess of Darkness. So, no matter which way I add it up, I keep thinking he has 3 kids.

Now if you look at it from DH and The Princesses perspective, yes she is an only child.

Jokes aside, it does make, well it did make me physically ill the way he ignored his sons and went panting after this woman, but now I don't care. I feel sorry for the mess he has made of his sons, and I still get somewhat angry that he allows his daughter to bully them and run their lives. If one of them speaks Sandye, this is not a lie, she glares at them, if one of them is asked a question she answers for them, and if they are pressed to answer themselves (I've tried it), they look to her, and keep looking at her while they give the shortest answer possible. She calls the shots.

Since I banned her, she banned the brothers now no one comes here, can you hang on a moment Sandye while I get a hankie to dry my tears She hates my guts, she is doing this to punish dad, and me, the person she claims to hate the most, (she doesn't she really hates dad the most), but anyway, me - she gave the gift of life to. She is so thick she does not realise how happy she has made me. In an effort to destroy my life and watch me die, she has sent me up to 7th heaven. Love it.

So, cannot give you a definative answer on that, but if you saw it for yourself, you would say ONLY child.

Think your DH and SD are clones of my DH and SD

Yes my SD is a special child all right, but not special in the way she thinks, more along the lines of "special needs child" I would say. When you ring daddy and ask him to come around and show you how to sweep the floor because the broom doesn't work, well, that in my book classifies you as special needs.

Just realised the day that happend I was fuming mad, now when I remembered and wrote it I was actually smiling. Oh life is good with her gone.

Mominator I can top that one, when SD was 28 daddy got down on his knees (he has arthritis in the knees), on cold hard floor tiles, and he helped precious put her shoes on. No I am stuffed if I know how she got those shoes on her feet by herself to come here, but she made it look so hard to get them on when she was leaving that daddy had to laugh and get down on his knees to help her. Gosh she's so cute isn't she.Her hair is naturally dark (italian heritage so I mean dark), But it is dyed blonde, think she did this at an earlhy age so she could act the helpless none to bright dumb blonde thing. (No offence I my kids and my grandkids are blonde), so is my very best friend she has tried dying it dark, but you can't dye the dumb out Actually this has just reminded me, funny story of the day, precious, helpless, evil cow when pregnant announced to a room full of people, if I have a baby girl it will be pretty like me (wish I could post a photo here cause pretty in all seriousness and not being nasty is not how you would describe her), still to continue, she then added, it will have my long legs, (nope she is 5ft nothing), so not too much hope of the baby having long legs, but the icing on the cake, she will probably have my blonde hair, well maybe baby would have if mum was drinking peroxide throughout the pregnancy.

Talk about a Hallmark moment, her face was priceless when I could not help but say, there's not much chance of your baby being blonde, BF is dark and your hair is naturally dark........Now she has been dying her hair since she was a kid (have seen family photos), and I am not sure if she had forgotten she was naturally dark, or if she was shocked that I knew that, anyway wish I had had a camera for that look. By the way baby was born with jet black hair, and short little legs.

Hahahaha! I would love to have seen the look on her face - priceless!

I have been married two years to a man with 5 grown children. My relationships with each one of them is very different but can be summed up by saying that our interactions are awkward and they continue to be disrespectful, unthoughtful and rude to me. But I am writing today to ask for advice on a particular tough situation that I am dealing with. My husband had always "promised" to take his daughter on a vacation to a particular place. His ex-wife would never agree to a family vacation to this particular place, so they never went. Now his daughter is in her mid-20s and married and next week going on that vacation...just the two of them. Mind you, my husband and I aren't going on vacation this year. Nope. Just his daughter and him are going on the vacation. From the minute they started planning this, I expressed my disappointment and frustration to him about this vacation. It didn't matter. His fatherly guilt about promises unfilled were more valuable to him that my feelings. And truly if I knew that this trip would erase all of his fatherly guilt, then I would be packing his suitcase for him. But I know that isn't going to happen. His fatherly guilt will return on the plane with him. He gave her a good childhood, he gave her an expensive wedding, he has been a good dad. But honestly, she is a married working grown woman going on vacation (that he is paying for) with her father. And my husband, although he says he understands where I am coming from, is still going on this trip. It's like he could never stand up to his ex-wife about this trip but he has no problem disrepecting my feelings. He keeps saying he is sorry that I am hurting but it doesn't matter...I am still hurting.

Hello all,

I just read this entire thread from 2009 to date. I have 3 adult SC. Hindsight being 20/20, I would have never followed the advice of their father when we started dating of coaching me to win over the eldest and the rest would follow. Eight years later and many, many, many escapades later (just as you have all described), I have come to the same conclusion. Respect yourself. There is no amount of trying to win them over that will change their position. FYI, I never won over the eldest and the rest did not follow; they did pretend for a couple of years eventually only to please their father, but then they returned with a vengeance. Their father did try extremely hard for several years to attempt the best possible blended family, but eventually the constant feeling of being caught in the middle became overwhelming. There was no discussion between us, but over time, it just naturally unfolded that he distanced them and their constant disturbances from me by not sharing. More or less, what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. I contribute this to our different discipline styles. He's a push over and I'm not totally hard core, but I don't accept blatant lies and disrespect either.

They continue. I don't. I learned their behavior was making me feel like a junior high school girl caught up with some deep need to "MAKE" them like me. I finally and quietly accepted that "it is what it is."

I consider their behavior to be no different than that of your typical schoolyard bully. And what do we all know about schoolyard bullies? If you don't respond to their negative behavior they have no thrill to carry on and annoy. I can't say that is true for the eldest, as she is still a killjoy, but she no longer does it to my face. Yes, she still carries on with her negativity and needing to be the princess at age 29 to her father and it stops there. At first, I felt sad that their father had quietly given up on his campaign of family blending, but I soon began to understand he probably knew better than I did that if he left me out of the loop most of the time on their shenanigans then I was much more calm, as is his personality. Now, I really appreciate his action regardless if it was his own self preservation or both of ours.

The point to this is to just be yourself in the beginning, middle, and end. I wish I had. I wish I had never had the urge to "MAKE" them like me, but it's human nature. I accept their jealousy, and I truly have never had any jealousy for them, and I have often thought that was the problem; they wanted me to be jealous of them making them feel superior. Oh well, life goes on. I am polite to them and leave it at that completely unconcerned that I know the oldest (29 years old) still inserts daily negativity to her father. Why? Because it stops at him and he doesn't share with me. Does he stroke her ego sometimes in agreement to "keep the peace?" Probably! Does it bother me anymore? Nope. Why? Because we are still happily married.

Sad to say, but true: I realized the problem is his, not mine. He and his children have a great relationship. My biological child and he have a great relationship. His children do not care to recognize me and my biological child as family; they only pretend for their father. He's no fool. If he wanted to put his foot down and clear the mud he would. Therefore, he OWNS this along with his adult children and not me and my adult biological child, and we have never been anything but gracious, so no guilt there.

Freedom came when I realized not to play the game with the schoolyard bully. It may not be perfect, but I don't believe perfect exists.

God bless and good luck all.

Hello great comments. Try also "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin. See if you can get your partner to read it too.

No lifestooshort you should not apologize to someone who came into your home with the sole intent of using you and your husband. Your husband should be apologizing to you for letting his sons behavior get you to that point. The son should be apologizing to both of you. The consequences of apologizing to the son are you are taki g the son's side in this and saying he us right therefore you owe him an apology. Do you.

Kate you have written the story of my life. I put up with this for 8 years. Nothing I did changed the attitude of DH's kids all adults towards me. My husband sat in silence and said nothing no matter how rude they were to him or to me.

I eventually hated my Sd with a passion. I don't know when the penny dropped but drop it did one day and I suddenly woke up to the fact that sf was not the problem. DH was. By saying and doing nothing he was encouraging het behavior. He was sending a clear message to her that he was fine with her behavior and felt she was justified in behaving like this.

That day I started to speak up I decided if my husband wanted to put up with his daughters disrespect well more fool him, but I was done. That day I realized Sd was not even close to being the problem. DH was to blame for the whole sad and sorry mess.
My husband failed to teach his children right from wrong he failed to teach them respect and manners. He also as a husband not only failed to support his wife but he by his silence allowed his children to abuse insult and isolate me.

This situation came to a head when Sd had a baby. Her trump card. She got boyfriend to tell DH on her behalf if he wanted to see his granddaughter he had to leave me.

This ended with me banning sd from my home and telling DH he was more than welcome to go with her. Sd then when crying to FIL and FIL took her side too. He told her and her boyfriend they could come to my house anytime they wanted to. and just ignore me. Now my relationship with FIL is non existent and my FIL's relationship with my husband is barely there.

I think the biggest mistake I made here was putting up with it. I allowed this to go on out if respect for my husband. I believed it was his place to speak to his children and pull them into line. I thought that it would be crossing the line for me to put them in their place. When that penny dropped I realized that I too had allowed them to get away with this appalling treatment of me. I decided no more. I should have spoken up 8 years earlier. While I was busy for those 8 years respecting my husband he was actively busy disrespecting me by allowing and encouraging his children to come into our home and behave like they did.

I should have nipped this in the bud. I should have and I suspect I did know my husband was incapable of standing up to his daughter.

If I have learnt anything it is this. SK's will not respect you because you respect them, they will not welcome you into their hone because you welcome then into yours. If you allow them to be rude and disrespectful and isolate you, they shamelessly will. If they do not want anything to do with you no amount of respect gifts or money will change that. In fact the opposite is true. Doing these things makes them think you are an idiot. They laugh at you behind your back. They know how they are treating you and they see your gifts as an attempt to win them over. Which if course it is. We want peace. But while they will grab the gifts money etc all that is happening is their contempt fit you is building with each gift. The more you do / give them the more they despise you.

The stories here are often the same just different people.

Let your husband allow his children to treat him like the village idiot if he wishes but do not accept that fit yourself. Expect the same from your adult steps that you would from any other adult guest in your home. Nothing more NOTHING less. If they live there then they need to know that as adults living at home is a privellage not a right and they need to treat everyone in the house with respect or get their own house

No, not alone. Because my husband can't grow a pair and defend his supposed love of his life, I have an appt with an attorney next week. I'm allowed to be treated as a third class citizen in this family, the kids and his mother have said and done things in front of both of us and he let's it go. But if I acted out of sorts or was upset, I was in the ghouse. My husband is not in love with me any longer if he were, he would protect me from negative people and their trash talk. If I say one little thing about his son, he blows up, but if I tell him that same person sent gay porn mags subscribed in my info to deliberately hurt me, happened after hate letter, he turns the other cheek. He doesn't come down on them at all. I give my everything to this man and zero appreciation. What the hell am I doing? I've been praying he'd return to the man I married and I feel lied to. He promised he would never huft me, 2 years full of tears now.

Be glad it is only two years bostonstepmonster3, and not twenty.

I took 8 years of my husband doing his crap. I banned the main problem, his daughter just over a year ago from ever setting foot in my home again. She then went crying to my FIL and completely destroyed my relationship with him.

My husband expects people to say hello to him first, he sees that as a sign of respect. His children however never said hello or goodbye and he said, well I can't make them talk to you. He allows his daughter to get away with anything and everything and like you if I say one word about her it's on. Mind you, he has no problems with her disrespecting him either. She hung up the phone on him once, and his response, well she was at work and couldn' talk. She had been talking fine until he said something she didn't like, then she slammed down the phone. But that's okay, that is his daughter, and he has told himself she only did it because she was at work.

I understand how you feel, I am so sorry for you, for us, for all of us on this site who married one man and then found ourselves living with another. All the best with your attorney. I hope things go well for you.

Thank the LORDY for this site!!! I feel so relieved I am not alone in this. I have 2 SS both in their 20's and it has been nothing but a nightmare since day one and of course their mother is a nasty, vindictive manipulator who has never wanted her boys to like me. Like you all, I have tried everything, been nice e.t.c...but nothing works so, one of them I have had nothing to do with him since last Christmas, the other one is ok and is always polite but I always feel that little resistance to really get to know me or allow me in. Last Christmas and as all Christmas's before I never get thanked for their gift from their father and I, but last Christmas really took the straw for me when THAT!! SS (SOB) ha ha a little humour needed, gave an Xmas card to their dad and thanked him for dinner e.t.c and ignored me, and the card was only addressed to my partner (been together for 12 years but what really peeved me even more was the SS girlfriend who had never met me or my P, proceeded to thank him, gave him a hug and said Happy xmas. I decided that I had had enough and left the room quietly and left them to it, hence not speaking to him for an entire year and it has been bliss, except for the fact that SS's are coming up on Xmas morning for breakfast, I told my P that I was not feeling comfortable with the 1 SS and perhaps something needed to be said, he basically told me it was my problem between the SS and me, the problem is he has never pulled his son up on his behaviour and never backed me up. Does anyone have some sane advice?? I spoke to one person from work and she suggested that I don't say anything before Christmas but pull him up on the day for e.g. instead of his father handing the gift to him that I hand it to him and say Happy Christmas this is from your Dad and I.

I put up with this shit for 8 years. I was completely ignored. DH told me his daughter wanted us to go round for a drink on get birthday. Yeah. Everyone including DH was offered and had drinks. Except me of course. DH said nothing. Everyone but me was offered cake. DH said nothing. Now this us just one example. There are hundreds.

I learned this and you need to take note. If your DH has said nothing about his rude sons ignorant behavior in 12 years. He's not going to Ever.

If you say nothing. His sons will treat you like the idiot they think you are. Lets be honest. Look at how they treat you in your own home. You say and do nothing about it, your husband says and does nothing about it, so the message to the sibs us clear. Dad is happy for them to disrespect his wife. And dads wife us a dickhead anyway. She puts up with it. Hell they even worded the girlfriend up to ignore you, and she did. Some strange woman came into your home and your family for the very first time, and made you feel like an unwelcome, unwanted guest in your own home. And no one did anything about it.

Your husband like most of them here is afraid to upset his sons. They might stop talking to him. He couldn't have that. He'd rather they treat you like shit. That means, in his mind, they live him.

You really do need to pick up your self esteem and get some self respect back. You have to muster every bit of courage within you and sort this out. You need to demand respect from your husband. First and foremost. And you need to tell that frightened gutless wonder you will not be disrespected in your own home, or anywhere else for that matter. You need to tell him either teach his sons some manners, or you will.

It took me 8 years. I told my husband to sort it out several times. He failed. Just kept coming up with a million reasons why it was all my fault. He refused to see he played any role in this. He certainly refused to think that greedy, manipulative, self centered daughter of his with an overinflated sense of entitlement was in any way at fault. After all she was raised and treated as special. And if I fell into line we would have no problems. I cannot tell you the hell I have befn through.

She had a baby. We went to the hospital. I held a gift out to her. She turned her head and stared at the mattress. She ignored me once again in a room full of people. When we left I said to DH. That's it. I'm done now. I am finished with her. DH's response. Well you could have said congratulations. See ignore what she did. Fail to acknowledge how humiliated I was. And scrape the bottom of the barrel to find some way to blame me.

Two weeks pass. I refuse to go to her home to see the baby. DH doesn't interestingly go either. But rang her daily. Then he gets his orders from
His daughters boyfriend. If you want to see the baby. You need to leave your wife.

He did not go. So not to be outdone. She s few weeks latet turned up here. I told him to go the door and tell her she was not welcome or i would. He told me to do it. So I did. That was a year ago last August.

DHs family is a mess. When his daughter saw I was not about to budge she went to my husbands father. She had ignored this man for over 10 years. She had not even told this man, het grandfather, she was pregnant. Yet shamelessly she goes to him crying daddy won't see my baby.

Now I have not spoken to FIL for nearly a year. FIL barely speaks to DH. And never calls DH. The whole family is finished because Sd could not get her own way anymore.

This is my first Christmas in years that I am actually happy. This is the first Christmas I will have nothing to do with DH's family.

I have taken my life back. I told DH I would not put up with it anymore, and if he wanted to. He could go with his daughter. Because ultimately all of this was his fault. By doing nothing about the rudeness of his family. By allowing them to ignore, isolate and humiliate me, he was in fact, supporting and encouraging them. He was showing them that treating me like dog poo on the soles of their feet was fine. He taught them to treat me like that.

Your husband is never going to deal with this. So you need to decide what it is you want and go for it

If you don't want then there. Tell your DH they are not coming. You will not accept it. If you want to try one more time, then warn him. One bit if rudeness out of them and he has two seconds to pull them into line, or you will ask them to leave. Tell him he can go with then if he likes, because it is HIS fault , he allows them to treat you this way.

He won't go. He will think you won't follow through. And he will be stunned witless when you do.

Ultimately what you will have done is put the responsibility of your ss manners back where it belongs. On their fathers shoulders. And all you are asking your DH to do us show done respect for his wife. Not such a big deal us it.

But if you do nothing. Nothing will change.

I would love to know. Where you even asked about them coming for breakfast. Or did your DH organize and plan it and you Cinderella just need to get your butt into the kitchen and cook for them and their girlfriends.

Sort it out. Say something. Because your husband never will. He us incapable of it.

You've gotten a lot of advise here and I'm not going to try and read it all. After I disengaged* from my step-daughters I let them set the tone for our relationship. As it ebbed and flowed I simply treated them the same.

Right now we're in a tolerating mode and I expect that to last until I pass on. Both live out of the state and my wife visits one of them there and both visit here on occasion. When they visit I'll say hello after they recognize me which usually takes a moment or two. "You looking good" I say and then I excuse myself.

If they didn't initiate a hello I'd just ignore them until they did and frankly didn't care if they didn't.

Once they realized I didn't give a damn it took all their power away and they no longer act negatively - just friendly or neutral depending on their mood I guess. I respond the same.

Take a look at the following and remember that you owe these people nothing and you got along just fine in the world before you knew them and you'll get along just fine without them:

* http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I know this is a very old post, but wow! The original poster took the words right out of alot of our mouths and it was good to see in print by anyone just now surfing this sight for the first time!

I just found this site and am overwhelmed with good vibes!! Spent all of Christmas day crying my eyes out. My H and I have been married almost 20 years and although I have a very close relationship with my step-son and his wife and daughters, my step-daughter decided long ago that she hated me and has viewed everything since 1992 through that lense of hatred. My husband stopped attending her children's parties at her mother's house (his ex shares this house with the man who helped break up their marriage and is now married to her). This refusal to attend parties there is, of course, my doing as far as she's concerned. Yesterday for the first time in over 2 years my H went to his daughter's home, alone of course, to bring presents to the grands. This, after two emails from his daughter outlining all his shortfalls as a husband. He deserted her, he moved 25 mintes away, he married me, he might hurt the children like he hurt her...on and on ad nauseum. I used to think she shut him out as a way to hurt me, and now I think she wants to hurt him too. If she can feel like she's won him over, away from me, she will feel like the victor in this sick power struggle. I'm at the point where I am trying to do the right thing for my husband and for the grands. I can't imagine ever getting over my new-found hatred of her, but want so much for my husband to be able to see the grands. Now I feel like I'm just venting blah blah blah. How do you describe 20 years of pain in a short post? If anyone has more advice on how to close off the heart and take the high road, please post!

Thanks everyone for sharing your woes. I am so happy to find this site and to know that others are facing the same struggles that I am. My adult stepson has hated me since the day we met. He's manipulative, lies and passive-aggressive. I truly believe that he has tried to sabatoge every relationship my husband has tried to have prior to me. I have tried everything despite the behavior, have still stepped up to the plate because I love my husband. We've endured years of his issues such jail time, driving without a license, court, unexpected pregnancy,got-a-job-lost-a-job, needs money because he buys multi hundred dollar toys but can't pay bills, brain washing our granddaughter to despise her mother (...of which he is still married but has hooked up with another woman to help raise her. She has a a car and drives. He is still not divorced from our daughter-in-law.) My husband is finally now neutral with his son's behavior. In years past, my husband was wracked with guilt about how the he and his ex split up when his son was 8 years old (ex found another guy and up and left, didn't want to see her son for a couple of years)- thus not seeing the behavior and giving in. Stepson still treats his father with a large amount of contempt when he doesn't get his way. My husband still tries to hold on to any glimmers of love because he loves his son. I have decided to disconnect and detach from trying to maintain a relationship with my stepson. Whenever, he and the girlfriend and granddaughter come over, they do not acknowledge my presence, do not say hello. I still kick myself for trying so hard all these years, being the safety net for the granddaughter, when her parents failed to plan or think ahead with their decisions. When they come over, I just go into a different room or leave. Just when I was feeling good about this holiday season, they show up unexpectedly with "gifts" of which my stepson pulls 1 of 2 out of the bag and says, "...hey this one doesn't have a name on it." as he is talking to the girlfriend and she says "...oh that's hers" as if I wasn't standing there... Needless to say I spent evening crying and my husband says I am throwing a hissy-fit. My stepson also continues to friend me on LinkedIn, Facebook, Google+, etc. of which I ignore and block him. I married my husband, not his grown child, is what I keep telling myself... if I didn't, I would run and not look back.

Ohio mima and Laura, welcome, we feel your pain! This is a very old post and you may want to start your own new one and you will get alot of input from others! I just recently found this post and thought it spelled out so much of the pain many of us can't put into words.
Ohio, I think you and I have a very similar situation. keep posting!

Thanks to you all for making me think, again.

Thanks to you all for making me think, again.I believe we are all in the same place.
About a year ago, I read some of these posts and did exactly what was suggested.
I want to say it did help my peace within.It is upsetting when skids act so irresponsible,dis-respectful.Someone needs to take a stand.That usually would be the childs parent.If that parent does not- there lies the issue. By the way, I have the same problem.I can't put it any other way than it pisses me off.In these kinds of upbringing bring other issues. Two out of three of my skids are drug addicts. Iam ashamed to say it.
But, that's it.What a waste of time.How sad is that? Disengage is the only answer.
Thankyou to all

I too am an invisible stepmom. Prom just took place last weekend, my friend did SD18's hair. The ONLY pic taken of "US" is the one my friend took. I took pics of dad and sd, and even sent some to evil MIL who requested them of her granddaughter and son. I help with all the events and get no credit other than when the BM makes nasty comments to SD about how I am such a good friend to SD....PFtttt sarcastically said of course. Graduation is coming may 31 and I just think Ill sit back and watch, Any advice on this event will be appreciated.... BM will get all the credit as will Dh for SD's achievement. And to think it may or may not get better when this child moves out only sickens me..The advice on here helps a bunch. I could also write a book on how to be treated like crap 1000 different ways in just a short 6 years of me and Dh being together and be told, I could be a lot worse kid. I just replied to her As I can be a lot worse SM HA! Learning to ignore is getting better, being disengaged better. Just living in a step parent world day by day.

In my situation, my SO blames me for all the issues with his skids. They are pretty much respectful, we don't have much of a relationship. But they've voiced opinions to him, such as they though that my life style improved when I moved in with him. My answer to that was 'what business is it of theirs'. The youngest when she went off to college insisted that I not be there to help her move in. She just wanted her mom and dad, and of course mom's BF was there and that was okay. They don't think that I try hard enough to have a relationship with them, and SO pretty much agrees. Our solution to all this is we just do not talk about it anymore. I will go to family events when he wants me to, and he comes to mine. He enjoys my family, I not so much his. His family is just not fun. You cannot be yourself with them. We have to hide things we do from them. My family is very open about things, and that's how we've raised out kids. I keep my daughter separate from SO's skids. They've only been together maybe twice and his kids were very rude, didn't even talk to my daughter. He admitted later that they were rude. But it is uncomfortable, it is like an elephant in the room. We get along great, have lots of fun together, but will never marry because of his kids. My SO is pretty much an ATM to them (he's said this also), and if we got married, they would get made and think that I would be taking over their inheritance. So we keep things separate, we have his daughters over, and then we have my daughter over, or I go meet my daughter somewhere and we do things by ourselves. But still it's all my fault because I don't reach out enough and let them know I want to be their friend. I once told him 'don't expect your daughters and me to bond'...they are too old for bonding, we will never go out and get pedicures together. I'm pleasant when they are around and try hard to make them feel welcome, but I can never get over the things they've said and done. My daugther on the other hand loves my SO and she would be happy if we got married. We've been together 9 years...it is getting easier the older they get because they aren't over as much, but still there is that 'elephant' just sitting there between us.

The key to addressing this issue IMHO if the ADULT stepchildren classification. You indicated that you treat them with dignity and respect as you would any other adult you are in contact with.

Well, with adulthood comes responsibility. The responsibility to behave as an adult and treat people with dignity and respect.

So, hold them accountable for that adult responsibility.

I for one would not abdicate my place with my spouse because of the behavior of a Skid or a member of the IL clan just as I would not expect or ask my wife to abdicate her place with me. We are married. We are a team. Neither of us would tolerate our family or BioKids treating the other with anything less than polite respect adn dignity.

Do not negotiate this with your DH, tell him that you will be treated with polite dignity and respect or you will start jerking knots in the rude ill behaved people who fail to treat you acceptably and you will not under any circumstance abdicate your position as his equity partner and you will not tolerate him tolerating others treating you in any way other than with polite dignity and respect.

Another thing that you may want to keep in mind is that idiots like your SKids and their BM are like cockroaches in a dark room who scurry for dark corners when the light comes on. You be the light. Lett them scurry. Beem your happiness in life, your marriage, etc... Never fail to accompany your DH to any family gathering whether you are specifically invited or not. Look your best, be confident and be happily on the arm of your partner. Have a confident twinkle in your eye and if anyone pulls their usual crap bare their ass confidentyly, publically and politely.

eg. Wow BM. You would think that after so long you would have dealt with the failure of your marriage to my husband. I truly hope you can figure out how to move and be happy. I truly want that for you.

eg. Well Skid, I would really like to know what is bothering you. This is a very nice family get together that everyone but you seems to be enjoying. Is there anything I can help you with to make it better for you.

Be ready to kick up the beeming smile, throw back your head and laugh happily with the clear message that ..... BM/SKid you are sooooo funnnnyy!!!! The real message is of course that they are pathetic but you let your happiness, confidence and positive assertiveness send that message.

All IMHO of course.

I've been so committed to making everything work that only after 26 years did I recently try to accept and deal with the fact that my husband's two "kids" have treated me disgracefully for decades! I never spoke of it, or even admitted it to myself. I must have been out of my mind.

My husband is elderly and has been very ill for eight and a half years. His "kids" visit every couple of years, sit on their backsides, read books and ask what time dinner is going to be ready. Their dad is flat on his back, hooked up to machines, can't use the bathroom on his own, and all they can do is read books and play with their phones.

The lack of common sense, of courtesy, of respect no longer makes me angry. I just want out and away from this family of users. Stepmothers are mules, nothing more.

This is a really informative thread. I'm so glad I stumbled across it late last night was I was feeling desperate over the upcoming holiday and the fact that I have to (most likely) spend it with an unpleasant step daughter.

My husband has two grown daughters, 21 and 24. The younger one is fine, we have had a pretty good relationship right from the beginning. It's the older child that has me wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Like so many step daughters (I had no idea how similar these types of people are) she is self centered, inconsiderate and highly insensitive when having any dealings with me. Just to simplify her many unappealing traits:

1. When she visits she only wants to see her dad. I am not invited.
2. She won't travel to our home because it's too far for her - one hour - she makes her father come to her, usually at her mother's house and usually when her mother is home. She never gives up trying to get those two to spend time together.
3. When we got married this past summer her wedding present to us was a framed picture of herself. (I kid you not. I had been wondering how she was going to make our day somehow about her and she outdid herself with that one.)
4. Besides the photo she didn't offer any form of congratulations or display any happiness for her father.
5. Two days after our wedding she texted her father asking him if he knew where her mother's wedding dress might be! (He hasn't lived in that house for five years and really, why the hell should he know where her wedding dress is???)
6. When her father once dared to declare his love for me on FaceBook she immediately texted him the message "what the hell was that?!" and requested to have lunch with him where she proceeded to bitch him out for not also declaring his love for her and her sister.
7. When we do spend a day with her everything seems to go very well. I usually end up feeling hopeful and actually believing that there is hope for a good relationship with her only to have those dreams dashed when a day later she reports every single thing I did wrong. One of my horrible offenses against her was not saving her seat at an event I thought she had left already. The horror!
8. Christmas day two years ago my grandfather passed away. Just 20 minutes after I received the news SD24 had a total meltdown because she didn't want her father and I to stop at her mother's house to pic up the x-mas presents she forgot to bring. It was an epic, full-blown screaming session all because she didn't want me in her mother's house. (Incidentally, I have nothing to do with the end of her parent's marriage. They were divorced for three years before I ever met him.)

The worst part about it all is that everyone thinks this girl is wonderful. No one can believe that she would behave the way I say she does so I often feel like I look like a real jerk. She does everything with a sweet smile on her face and kisses the asses of all the right people. It's maddening!

I could really go on and on and I realize that my stories are not special or unique and that many of you have dealt with much worse for much longer. But somehow it feels good to write them all down and get them out. My husband is like so many, he feels helpless, he worries that he will lose them if he stands up to them. Just this morning I shared with him the ever-growing feeling of dread I feel over the holiday coming up next week. I tried to impress upon him that he needs to put an end to her childish behavior otherwise I don't think I can keep my mouth shut any more. Until now I have remained silent to her face. I haven't wanted to give her any real reason to dislike me. What I now know is that I could be freaking Mother Teresa and she would still find fault in the smallest and most insignificant of things.

So, I am done caring. I am done worrying about her. From here on out it is she who has to win me over. Thanks for letting me share.

I feel your pain!

My H, tormented by emotional blackmail, feared loss of love if he challenged his daughter's decision to go to out of state college, even though he had only put enough money away for in state tuition along with all expenses plus spending money. Instead of half of 7K for school, now it was half of 20K per semester!
Being married for only 3 1/2 years, I never talked to nor met his daughter until the 4 months ago at the end of her second semester at this new school. Doing the tour and driving around campus she drops this bomb on us stating that she has to go another term because she didn't have all of her credits. That's another 20K that she so nonchalantly tells about as if it's NO BIG DEAL.

My husband not having the funds pays for her tuition, un-benounced to me, uses 30K of my business funds to pay for her school. Once discovered, I sent her a letter, as if I were talking to an adult, since she is 21, telling her I can't afford to pay for her out of state tuition. But not wanting to leave her stranded, I will pay for one more full semester of in state tuition, plus 400$, but no housing. I told her she had to live at home or get a job. Her extra semester would have to be covered by her BM. The deadline for her answer would be the end of the month.

After the crying phone call to my H, she writes a letter to him stating that "I didn't know that it was her (SM) money that has been paying for school, and because of the the way she (SM) has treated me, I don't think taking any more of her money is a good idea AND that she had NO business to step in and make me out to be an unappreciative naive child. Her words have really hurt me Daddy."

My H told her that that the offer is what it is, since he hasn't had a contract for 2 years and is out of money.

The Step Daughter's 20 year old boy friend sends my husband this letter:

"Do you understand that you owe her this money? You left there family and you ruined her childhood. You owe her this money as someone who did all that and as someone who is trying to be a decent person on this planet.
This is how this is working. You owe her money. So where ever you get that money from isn't of her concern. If you take it from (your wife) than SHE should be yelling at you to pay her back. I you don't want to deal with that then go to a bank and take out a loan.
Thanks for ruining ANOTHER week of (your daughter's) life when you could have been and adult and picked up the goddamn phone."

I couldn't believe what I was reading!

Nonetheless, the SD let the deadline pass.

Now, I harbor so much resentment that I could care less if I ever saw the SD again. This is not what I bought into. I wouldn't have!

I am so pleased I found this website - I don't feel like it's only happening to me. I have been married to my DH for 15 yrs and he has an 18 year old daughter and 20 year old son. My husbands ex has remarried but she still continues to threaten us with further legal action and manipulates the children. My DH has paid for EVERYTHING - private education, you name it he has paid. He has even been paying his sons university tuition as well as maintenance to his ex whilst the children are in full time education.
He received an email from his son last week saying he was dropping out of uni (been there 1.5 yrs alread)and wanted to do another course at another uni starting in September. He expected my husband to keep paying him to have an easy time until Sept. My husband has told him to get a job or get Job Seekers Allowance. My stepson told my husband that someone should pay for his living expenses!

I actually told my DH that I would leave him once our youngest is 18 if the situation does not improve. He is an incredible dad and husband but cannot see anything wrong in his own childrens behaviour. He needs to realise that they are adults now and must be accountable for their own actions. I have had enough now. 17 years is too long to have this amount of stress. We are totally at the mercy of his ex still.
My step daughter has now said that she wants to do another course before trying to get into uni. She has not asked my husband is that is ok she is just expecting him to foot the considable bill. It also means that he still has to pay his ex wife another £15,000 per year if they are in full time education.
Neither of my steps has ever even tried to get a Saturday job - they just expect that money will appear for them. It is sickening.
They have no manners when they are in my home. When they were younger my husband said he would not tell them off whilst they were here because he did not want them to have a bad time when there were here! They are now the product of that upbringing. Rude and ungrateful. Most of the time when they leave they do not even have the manners to say goodbye to me!
My DH is not like this in any other part of his life. He is a very high achieving business man who would never let himself be treated like this.
I do not want to leave him but cannot spend the rest of my life being treated as if my opinions do not count and being too scared to say anything to him about it.
We are seeing someone next week to try to work through this. Maybe she can help my husband get rid of some of the guilt he has carried around with him for so long.
He has changed his email so that any emails that come through from his children do not appear in the regular in-box. I just don't want to know.

Facts. They are the only way to deal with this kind of crap. Show DH the facts and outline how you will bring the pain if his spawn do not mend their behavioral crap.

Good luck.

This forum is great. I've been married for a second time now for 15 years. I have two SC - one SD (32) and one SS (37), both who live nearby. Neither one has ever acknowledged my birthday, our anniversary, etc. Never once have we received a thank you note for gifts. This behaviour has been going on for years. It's obvious that they want their daddy all to themselves.

The SD and I get along ok, but not great. My SS is horrid to me. I finally told my H that I was not going to put up with his negativity in anyway. He is not welcome in our home again when I am present. This has been nearly 2 years. I told my H that he could do whatever with his kids without me - my only request was that these get-togethers would NOT be on Friday or Saturday nights - I consider those our nights to do things as a couple.

Now with texting, they both text my H all the time, including Friday and Saturday evenings asking him if my he would like to join them at some bar or another. Even if we have not made plans to go out, he will tell me about these invitations and ask if it's ok if he could join them!!! Earlier in the day, he would say he didn't really want to make plans because he had too much paperwork to do!!! I'll be darned if I'm going to sit home alone and have him go out with his 'kids' on a Saturday night!!!

The sad part is that neither one of them has a relationship, so they go out together and then ask their daddy to come with them too.

Most of the time he keeps the texts and communications secret from me. To make matters worse, SD just moved 1/2 block away. I'll go to the grocery store and come home, and there will be a note that he's at SD's. Usually SS is also there and they are enjoying a beer together. H also went to a superbowl party at SS's (I of course will not go to those). H said he'd be home shortly after half time. At midnight he was still not home. So I texted him to find out what was going on... Oh they had started a movie and he lost track of time. Right.

Most of the time when they all get together always involves some sort of party or bar with a bunch of other 30 something singles. It makes me very uncomfortable. When I object, he says that I just 'hate his kids' and don't want him to spend time with them. I just don't get any of this.

Anyway, this type of thing has now been going on for over 15 years and I'm trying very hard to just get on with my life and figure out what makes me happy. Unfortunately, my oldest D is out of town and my other D is very involved with other things. The last thing either one of them wants to do is hang out with their mommy several nights a week!

Sorry for the rant.

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hr DAYS) SO I WORK ALMOST EVERYDAY, AND I AM RAISING AND UNGRATEFUL 9 YEAR OLD, TRYING TO MAKE ENDS MEET BECAUSE MOMMY ONLY HAS TO PAY $51.00 A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT HE WANTS TO LIVE WITH HER BECAUSE IT IS FUN AT HER HOUSE(SHE HAS HIM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND) AND HAS DONE ALOT OF EVIL THINGS TO US. THE 2 OLDEST ONES ARE BOTH LIVING WITH GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIENDS. THE VERY FIRST DAY THAT SHE SHOWS UP DADDY SENDS HER HOME WITH FOOD AND DRINKS, AND STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE IS GOING TO BUY HER DISHES AND WASHING MACHINE... BLAH BLAH BLAH BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING. SHE DOES NOT WORK DOES NOT GO TO SCHOOL AND SLEEPS UNTIL 12 OR 1 O'CLOCK EVERYDAY. I AM LIVID !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I TOLD HIM THAT WE "CANNOT" KEEP HER UP! HE SAYS HE WILL NOT LET HER GO HUNGRY, AND THAT SHE HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR A JOB, WELL SHE HAS HAD SEVERAL, BUT SHE WANT GET HER ASS OUT OF BED A GO TO THEM ! SO SHE COMES OVER YESTERDAY WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS AND HE STARTS DIGGING THROUGH THE CABINETS AND GIVING HER our DISHES AND POTS AND PANS!!! THE THINGS I HAVE BOUGHT OVER TIME. I WAS SO MAD I WAS SHAKING. I COULD NOT EVEN SPEAK TO HIM I WAS SO AFRAID OF WHAT I WOULD SAY. SHE HAS ALWAYS HAD HIM SO WRAPPED AROUND HER FINGER THAT IT MAKES ME SICK. NOW THE OLDEST BOY COMES OVER THE FIRST DAY AND STARTS GOING THROUGH OUR CLOSETS LOOKING FOR STUFF HE CAN WEAR AND TAKES ONE OF HIS DADS NICE COATS.DADDY SAYS NOTHING.I WAS A LITTLE MORE FORGIVING WITH HIM BECAUSE HE DOES WORK FULL TIME AND GOES TO SCHOOL PART TIME BUT AT THE SAME TIME ...OMG !!!! HE ALSO IS NOW DRIVING ONE OF OUR VEHICLES BECAUSE HIS CAR HAS SOME ISSUES. I AM SO WONDERING IF I CAN TAKE MUCH MORE, I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT I KNOW THAT IF THIS CONTINUES I WILL RESENT THE FACT THAT MY FEELINGS AND OPINIONS MEAN NOTHING TO HIM WHEN IT COMES TO HIS "ADULT" CHILDREN WHO HAD IT MADE WHEN THEY LIVED IN OUR HOME BUT THEY WANTED TO DO WHAT THEY WANTED WHEN THEY WANTED AND HAVE NO RULES. WE CANNOT KEEP UP 3 HOMES... I HAVE WORKED 2 JOBS FOR 6 YEARS AND AM MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY TIRED. I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED. JUST DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD WALK AWAY. I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE MY HUSBAND BUT I DON'T WANT TO END UP HATING HIM EITHER.

I have read so many opinions on here it's enlightening.

I am a Sd n I am a SM. My brother & I had very different views about my step mother.
My brother & my mom had the typical son/mother relationship ~ they were very close. I was Daddy's girl. My mother suffered from cancer for 2 years ~ in the end of my relationship w my mom we grew close. My mother had a heart to heart w me ~ she told me ~ when I am no longer on this earth < whoever your father finds ~ plz respect her. That to me was her dying wish ~ she gave me a wonderful gift ~ such an amazing woman she was. Dad found someone months after mom passed ~ the dating situation was different. Did I want my father to be happy ~ yes. I wanted him to enjoy what part of his life he had left.

My brother harbored resentment ~ he felt like my sm was a gold digger. She was never married before n we lived in the burbs n she was from the city. She never had kids. My brother was hurting n I would have conversation w my sm about how hurt he was when mom passed. My brother believed you get one mother ~ she was my fathers wife. With me my sm would never be my mother ~ but I gave her a grandmother title. My brother did not. To explain his ways was always difficult but I respected my brothers feelings. I just chose another road ~ to enjoy my father for the rest of his living days.

My mothers gift was immeasurable. To simply say ~ she was amazing to hsve the courage to talk about life without her.

Who would ever imagined that I would be in a position to me a SM. My husband passed away almost 6 years ago living me as a widow just approaching my 40's with 4 kids ranging from 14 to 4. My fiancé & I had dated one summer during college ~ be ended our relationship due to me going to college in another state. I in turn married my husband n he dated the BM of his daughter. They broke up n she found out she was preg n 8 years later they married. Divorced 3 yrs later.

The SD loathes me. I gave her everything I gave to my kids. Loved her as my own. She was a little tough around the edges ~ something was very different. Ahhhh haaa she was the apple from her crazy ass mother. BM loathes me ~ not that she loves my fiancé ~ she just feels I m impeading on SD's perfect life w daddy. Bullshit.

She is not welcome in my home for a laundry list of reasons. I will never stop fiancé from having a relationship w her. I just chose for her not to be in my life around my children. She is a mean girl who has harassed n continues to harass my daughter.

well done
.................

So glad to see I am not the Only one....

So mine is a 6 month relationship.... My BF was divorced last year, he has two daughters 19 and 21, his relationships with them was rocky for a while.. but finally he has gotten them both on the mend, but they have no desire to meet me or interact with me.

His youngest daughter graduated recently and BF was instructed that I was not invited to the graduation or the party, but the ex-wife's brand new BF was there. He went by himself to the graduation and party.

My BF invited to girls to Easter Dinner .. He didn't tell them I was going to be there, so I think they were a little upset, he said it was okay. I think it wasn't.

The youngest played sports in school and I attended some of the games with him, and she actually asked him to not bring me anymore as it was embarrassing to her (I guess the other girls were teasing her) (I am not overweight or unattractive)... We stopped going to the games, and didn't go to the state championship because of it.

I have two children (23 and 19) one out of state and one in the military that comes home on the weekends, both my kids really like my BF and have accepted him as my partner and my son has given his approval.

I am pretty sure the ex-wife has talked a lot of crap to the girls, I just don't know... Im feeling left out.. when they are around I am an outcast.

I can really relate!
Hi all! I just found this site. So amazing to see that there are so many stepmoms dealing with the same issues I am. I felt so alone, because none of my gf's have adult stepdaughters. No one can relate to my story.

My situation is this: I met my husband when I was 38 and he was 48. We were married when I turned 41 and he 51. He has four adult children from a marriage in his twenties. Three girls and a boy. He divorced their mother at age 30, when he learned she was cheating on him with another man, on the pretense that she was visiting her mother in another town. She went on to marry this man and had three more children with him. So, my SD's are from a family of 6. The three of them range in age from 27 to 33.

I have no children. I waited until I met the right man, my DH. Unfortunately, he had a vasectomy directly after his 4th child was born, over 20 years ago. He was not a candidate for vasectomy reversal, nor was he really wanting any more children at this point in his life. He now has 7 grandchildren at his current age of 53. I wanted children, though definitely not a deal breaker to marrying him. He is a wonderful man! Yet, everyone knows, including his daughters, that it is a bit of a sore spot for me. He told them this so they would know to be sensitive to it.

I have tried very hard to be accepted by his adult daughters, who all live near us. In these first few years that DH and I have been together, I made every effort to become closer. I always ask them about themselves, take a huge interest in their children, buy them and their kids presents on birthdays and holidays. Yet, I feel no closer to them then day one of our meeting.
These are just a few of the experiences I have had with them:
They never ask me a question about myself that they bother to listen to the answer of. They just talk right over me every time.
They constantly talk about how wonderful it is to be mothers when around me.
They write things on our family IG about how they are total "daddy's girls."
They call my DH daily and always want something from him, which takes a toll on us financially. His girls are all married to men with good jobs and they have more money than we do. Yet, they always ask him to buy them things. Sometimes it's plane tickets!
They never reach out to me, with even a text, regarding upcoming family events. When I text them, they act super surprised that I would be doing that.
They always tell their kids on birthdays and holidays, right in front of me, "look what Papa bought you!" No mention of me at all.
They flaunt how close they feel to my stepson's new wife. They call her often and text her every day. When I alluded to her on a recent visit that they seem to be very close and I wished it were that way with me, she said point blank that they told her they do not want to, because I am married to their dad. Just too hard to share him. Uggghhhh. Just feels so hopeless!
If anyone has any words of wisdom on this situation, or commiseration, please respond. Thanks for reading!

You are not being unfair for setting boundaries for yourself. Let me give you an example that happened with us so hopefully you can understand this better. My husband divorced his first wife and he hired an attorney and won full custody of their sons. She asked if he would consider letting her have the boys once she re-established herself and he said he would consider it. She left state and found her new life, got busy with that and made no contact with boys for nearly 2 years. The boys were 2 & 4 when she left.

I entered the picture after husband had been divorced for 3 years. His ex did not know anything about me til almost a year after we were dating. Once she found out I was in the picture (we did not know one another) she came unglued. She wanted her sons, she did not want anyone else raising them, she was angry with husband and she did just what you described your partner's ex has done. She told lies and did everything she could to destroy any kind of relationship I could have with the boys.

I called her one day and told her the boys were suffering from the hostility and what would be best for them would be for her and I to get along and for her and my husband to try to work towards what was best for the boys. She would not hear me. Her mind-set was to gain custody of her sons, she wanted no one else in the picture.

Meantime my ex remarried and my girls had some issues with their new stepmom. I called her, I supported her, I tried to make a friendship with her and she was accepting. If the kids complained about her I tried to help them understand her reasoning, I never said a bad word about her and we were always friendly towards each other.

This is 25 years later now and the result of all of this is that husband has very little contact with his sons. His ex was very cunning and manipulative. The boys sought her out for a relationship. I have no relationship with the boys who were allowed to disrespect me, and have not for several years. My ex and his second wife divorced after 19 years marriage but my girls still have a good relationship with their stepmom and they consider her grandmother to their children and I support that. My daughters have a relationship with their stepdad who I never allowed them to disrespect.

What I am saying here is that your partner and his ex need to let the children know that they accept you so the kids can accept a relationship with you. The children have to come to terms with their parents' divorce and with not coming to terms and creating issues she is doing her children an injustice. I tried to get my husband to talk to his ex to try to help her see they needed to work together to help the boys but there was so much hard feelings and he refused any conversation. As a result the boys sided with bio mom and gave her support, even though it should have been the other way around.

If the parents cannot let their children love you/accept you and are unwilling to support you, all you can do is save your own sanity.

my husband was always cheating on me and even spends nights out. sometimes he even leave for the entire week end, pretending that he has work, but i know he just go meet women, my life was lame until, i asked robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com to cast a spell for me. so that my husband can be a good man and after his spell, my husband changed automatically, he now spends much more time with me and the kids and we're a family again,

you are not alone in how you feel.

it is clear skids have been poisoned by bm. one word of advice: disengage. your are trying to win their love by being nice. it wont happen. do not allow yourself to be a doormat to their bad attitude. develop your own interests. do not attend events with dh if it means you are treated poorly.

if your husband does not have the balls to support you disengage from him too.

It's been said before, but I'll say it again: THANK YOU for this forum! I now know that I'm not losing my mind or my bona fides as a halfway decent human being.

The Mister is a great dad, and truthfully there's nothing horribly wrong with his son. He's 22, and is here only a very small part of the time--alternate weekends when he was in high school and now on breaks between college semesters. But I've come to dread these visits. Much as I understand his feelings, it is hard to be in close quarters with someone who hates you. And the kid has been here for the entire summer, 3 long months now.

The Mister and I rarely fight, but it's been one thing after another for these past 3 months. I was not asked if a 3-month stay would be OK. I was simply told that the boy needed a place to stay, and my home is my son's home blah blah blah. The boy's mother rents a room in a crazy cat lady's house, so she has no place for him. For some reason the Mister thought 3 months here was not only OK but actually would work out great. He was so wrong. I've been doing a slow burn the entire summer. At one point I was told that if I couldn't make his son feel welcome, they both were leaving. I nearly took him up on it.

But I've mostly managed to keep my temper, and except for a few relatively minor incidents my complaints have been few and presented calmly. After a few weeks of my persistently pointing out the problems, The Mister actually reined the kid in. It's still miserable, and I'm hanging on for dear life until he goes back to school in 10 days.

A big part of the problem is that, 12 years on, the boy's mother hasn't really reconciled herself to the divorce. She rained hell on the Mister when he moved in with me because it was so unfair to their son. Their son. Sure. The Mister, as much as he generally operates in good faith, doesn't fully grasp how this affects the kid, who--thank you forum, for validating and clarifying this--even without his mother egging him on would resent and dislike me.

Sorry, but the feeling is mutual. Despite everyone's having more or less kept a lid on the worst of it, SS's long visit this summer has been tremendously damaging to my relationship with his Dad. It's going to take a lot of patience and work to put Humpty together again. We've been together for 7 years now and have talked about getting married in the next year, but these months have given me very cold feet. I don't want to be stuck in this dynamic forever. Plus, I am the one who brought assets into the relationship--he was dead broke--and MY lawyer will know to make the prenup watertight because this kid hates me and will go after everything he can get his hands on out of pure spite. And I may just decide not to marry his Dad at all. I am that angry and disgusted.

All this drama even though apart from that one ugly incident The Mister has been reasonable and mostly does have my back. It's hard to imagine what some of you all are going through. Good luck, and thank you again.

"My stepkids have for the most part always been indifferent to me. On occasion they have even been rude or condescending as well.

"They can barely bring themselves to say hello, let alone hold any form of conversation with me.

"When they visit, they treat me almost as though I don't exist, although I can be in the same room as them."

What is it with these people? Are they all reading from the same script, or what? Does Skid Central send out a playbook when the parent of a pathetic, long-suffering COD, finds another partner?

Yeah, I went through this as well. I said to DH, and this is a fairly direct quote, "He doesn't say hello to me when he comes into the house, or good-bye when he leaves. At the very least, I would like some notice about when people are coming and going in my house."

Now I get "Hello" when skid comes in, and "Good bye" or even (during those horrible extended visits) "See you later" when he leaves.

That, and nothing more.

Well, that's what I asked for, right?

I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We met in 1984 and fell in love in 1986; we were both still married and each had three kids, girl-boy-girl order for both, his all one year older than each of mine. His then wife was a mess emotionally and totally overwhelmed with having three kids, one of whom was a boy and she 'was afraid of him' (when he was 2). My husband slept in the basement after the kids went to bed for years, off and on for months at a time. She was full of phobias, was a hoarder, thought 'sex was something men do to women' and coped with Valium. They married at 18 because she was pregnant and before the wedding lost the baby. He married her anyhow; that's what you did back then. MY marriage to my high school sweetheart was awful. He was as emotionally and verbally very abusive, stayed out increasingly and frequently all night, drank increasingly too much, and I found out later, cheated almost from the beginning of our marriage. I didn't know about the cheating; I just knew ten years into the marriage, after he told me when I pleaded with him to do anything to show him that I mattered to him and he said he couldn't 'help me out' and also told me finally he didn't love me and didn't care if it was him or me who left, that I had been fooling myself staying in this one sided 'arrangement'. When I met the man I am now married to, we both knew as if it hit us like lightening, that this was it. But that seemed too ridiculous. We barely knew each other when he told me he thought he loved me. I did NOT believe in love at first sight and really, I don't even now. I actually have NO great advice to anyone regarding relationships because on the surface everything we did was totally stupid and wrong and out of order. I guess the only good thing I could tell anyone would be wait until you are older to decide you are really and truly ready to make a marriage and childbearing decision (I mean upwards minimally of 25; you grow very much in your 20's). Then I guess I would say really, trust your gut. Good and bad. And NEVER believe someone will 'do better' or that you can 'help' them or that what you see ISN'T what you are going to get. Do NOT move in and form a couple before you have a commitment, because then you end up trying to make it fit (although I didn't do that I see it all the time - moving in is not a commitment).
Anyway, once my husband who I thought could have cared less noticed I was done with him, and he spied on me and checked up on me, he found out I had met someone. I was like the trash on the curb that he didn't want till someone drove by and began loading it into their car. He then decided IT was his.
At that point he called my now husband's crazy wife. Told her I was --- her husband. Then he left with a gun and I had no idea to where. So I called the man I am now married to and told him, who in turn called his wife and confessed that he loved me, that HE pursued me, that none of this was my fault, etc. AND that my husband had a gun and was missing! So. The wife called me. I was (rightfully so, I guess) told I could have him and to burn in hell. It was terrible. SHE was the one who told me that he said it was all his doing and fault and that he loved me. We ended it all at that point, but I never stopped loving this man. We both just couldn't see how our kids would have ANYONE to respect if we got married to each other. Their other two parents were hot messes and they would have bad mouthed us to kingdom come. We walked away from it, totally in love with each other and tried to move on.
We both had tons of counseling. Meanwhile my ex continued to stalk me (we did get divorced), tap my phones, have me followed, called my work and harassed me. He put our life savings into a Swiss bank account and left me with three young kids to support and quit paying support to me (he was self employed, of course). And he basically divorced his kids except for badmouthing me when he did -rarely - see them. I was afraid of him. I did think for a while, since he seemed hell bent on destroying me now that I had dumped him, that he would kill me. Or kidnap my youngest child, who was only about 4 at the time.
Eventually I met a man at my job who was a nice man, never had children, seemed to be a good guy, who fell madly in love with me. I was really numb emotionally. Dead. Didn't want to think beyond today. Not in anyway myself, who I am today. My oldest daughter was always sassy and was about 11 when her dad was gone for good. She missed him and remembered when she spent time with him. The other two kids never wanted to see him anymore. He scared them. My daughter was in my face, really coming out of her skin at times. I didn't consider sending her to her dad's an option; he would not have done the right thing by her. But I also had to work. I had to pay bills and parent these kids. My job, the job that I had to have to be able to support them, required travel. I couldn't see how I could raise this rebelious kid being gone so much. And this guy wanted to help me. I really needed that at the time. Out of the blue within six months he proposed. He wanted to buy me an engagement ring and I didn't want one! That should tell you something. And I asked him not to tell anyone. The HR director was a woman he had dated who had a thing for him. I knew she'd be jealous and I didn't know for sure I was going to go through with this as soon as I said I would marry him. He told everybody. She did retaliate and it affected my employment which became difficult. He talked me into quitting work for the summer till we got married and be home with my kids. That was the hook. I was in it up to my eyeballs. He also moved into my house, although we slept in different rooms. I did not want my almost teenaged daughter to see me living with a guy under her nose. But now, he was in the house.
So we did get married. Within six months he lost his job. I found out he had genital herpes which he had not told me about. I found out he'd been with about 400 people before me too! He drank like a fish, was deluded about what next big thing was going to come along, he did drugs (not around me or the kids but I found out). I ended up being the main bread winner, consistently getting better jobs and bringing in the most steady income. I knew I had made a really bad mistake. But I didn't want to put the kids through another divorce,we had moved out of town and bought a house before things it the fan and it continued to pile up. I do not deny it was my own doing. STUPID. I never trusted myself to be able to do what I had to do on my own and thought he would help. Ha! What a joke. We stayed married for a long time. Strangely we were friends who never, ever should have gotten married. I did like him but he drove me crazy. When my youngest daughter went to college, we both had known for a long time we would divorce. He moved to another state, we sold our house and I rented a condo.
About the time I sold the house, I got a call from the man I had met 17 years before. He had contacted my sister who gave him my number. He too had gotten married and it was a disaster. She was wealthy, looked down on him for not going to an Ivy League school and was not nice to his kids. It lasted from start to finish 4 years, 2 of which were spent going through an acrimonious divorce. My divorce was not nasty. My second husband had a lot of college friends who were attorneys. I had lost everything the first time and we remained enemies forever. I didn't want that again. My second husband still cared for me; he's just basically - despite the fact that he speaks several languages and has a college degree and has worked for some great companies - an old hippie at heart, loves his pot and drinks, could live in a box if he had funds to travel and doesn't get being 'domestic'. He made mess after mess financially and I knew he would drag me down with him if I stayed. We split everything - our lawyer was 'our' lawyer and drew up the papers for both of us. He said he was used to people fighting and it went against his grain but he admired how nice we were to each other.
When my now husband called, he told me about his son, whom he had always been concerned about, being convicted of a serious criminal offense that resulted in hard time. He was heart broken and I was the person he wanted to talk to. He asked me if I was single and I said yes, he said he was too. We met again and knew we had always loved each other. About a year later we got married.
I knew when I married him a lot of people would think I had jumped for the third time into marriage. It was embarrassing since both of us are the type of people who would have wanted to marry for life. But you cannot 'hitch your buggy to a nag if you want to win the race' as my dad said.
We decided at the onset that faith had to be in the center of our relationship, we talked about every dime we had and our debt (really lack of it), what our expectations were about how we'd deal with our kids. We knew it was going to be hard with them but had no idea how hard. We just knew they would never come between us. We both felt we'd sacrificed for them from the beginning, they all but one finished college and had starts in life and were loved and supported.
We are truly an exception when it comes to never letting our kids get in the middle of our relationship. We'd be over if we did. But the price we have paid is a very fractured family. VERY. I have no relationship with two grown daughters, instigated mostly by the one I always had issues with as far as her mouth and behavior were concerned. I do believe she is bipolar and will stop at nothing, including lying to get her way. She tore up a family holiday six years ago; my son has refused to have anything to do with her since and my other daughter believed the lies my daughter told her about what transpired, making us all look bad to justify her behavior. She has also berated her husband relentlessly, who has kowtowed to her all of the time they have been together (comes from money). I hate to say this but she is her father's child. Narcissistic and mentally wrong. And she has torn us up.
Things are great with my son and his wife and their child. For both my husband and for me. We adore all of them and there is no drama. This has made things understandably worse with his kids, the girls in particular. But his oldest is almost as bad as my daughter (of course they despise each other!) and creates problems with the youngest daughter. His son is ok too; it's just that with his background I know he is a manipulator. But for whatever reason, he is much easier for me than any of the girls to get along with.
And here is the kicker. His first wife, who told me to take him and burn in hell, and I get along fine. Our differences have resolved although not before she badmouthed me to the kids forever. There are many personal things my husband cannot say to them about why he and their mother didn't work. But I was painted as the REASON. That isn't even close. Also when we got married our two youngest daughters talked and his daughter told my daughter that we'd been having an affair all of those years that we were not! Her mother told her that. It created a lasting chasm between my daughter and me. I am so appalled and hurt that she could even believe this.
His girls are terrible to me. His oldest really bad. It will never get better and I am sure of that. We have made sure our will is set up and our executor and caregivers all set so it's as clear as it can be.
She says she is coming to visit soon. She has stood us up before. I think I will find someplace to go. My husband understands. This stuff is NOT for people who are not ironclad devoted and in love. Anyone wanting to marry someone with kids better have an idea of the fact that there is a lot of hell to go through. I think especially with female step kids, even if they are grown up.

I have been married for 4 years and with my husband for a total of eight. I have 3 skids. Two girls, one boy. I get along with the eldest girl, the other 2 are psychotic. The youngest girl loves to call me the c word. After reading everyone's comments in this forum, I am relieved to know I am not alone. I've taken everyone's advice and I am not going to interact with these sick,psychotic adults. Thank you everyone.

I was very confuse when my wife that i married 11 years ago told me she needs a divorce simply because she fell in love with a guy she met in the bank, she took all her belongings and left my house even when i pleased with her not to go but she insisted and left. It wasn't easy at all for me because i was in pain and couldn't go to work or even eat, i did many research on the internet when i came across some beautiful testimony people shared about Doctor Ororo so i quickly contacted him and told him my story, I never knew Doctor Ororo could be so nice, he told me that my wife will come back to me within 12 to 16 hours and every thing happened just as he said and then i concluded that i have found a God on Earth and i will continues to testify about him till Christ comes. Here is my email: [email protected] contact me for any information or contact Doctor Ororo today for help via email: [email protected] or via website: http://doctorazuaworldofpowerfulspell.webs.com or via Whats App or call: +2348068784784

These problems with adult step children sound familiar

Thank you every one I can see that I am not alone! I have been kind to adult step children with no thanks ever. Now I will avoid them as much as possible, not pick/clean up after them, not have any small 3 year old foisted on me so they can have a holiday. I have changed. I did love my new partner(in fact we are married) but he does not stand up for me - he does not want to talk about it - he calls me 'poisonous'. His adult sons' behaviour must come from somewhere? I want to be with people who value me.
It has been 6 years and that is probably enough.

My situation is different, and this is the first time I've been able to talk about it with anyone except my mum. I'm going to be totally honest and know that I may be opening myself up to some judgement, but here goes (it may be a long one as I just HAVE to talk about this before I become too miserable)...
I met my other half 7.5 years ago and we fell madly in love. I was 30, he was 44 with 3 adult children (2 daughters and a son). I had no children. We all got on fine; they are obviously loved by him and love their dad very much. Although his ex (their mother) is a nasty piece of work, they all grew up spending Christmases etc together and all family events because it all seemed amicable and the respective partners did not mind joining in...until I came along.
My partner used to tell me he never loved his ex, she got pregnant when she was 16 and he pretty much resigned himself to being with her. Then he obviously couldn't stand it any longer and they split up after 12 years, but as I said they continued (after the nastiness had subsided a bit) to attend family events together for the sake of the children.
He told me I was the first person he ever loved, and I still believe that is true, even though it's getting difficult to see it now.
So things were fine with his children, we didn't see them that often but when we did we got on fine (he also had 2 grandchildren at that point and now has 4). Then we decided to have a baby, which his children all seemed very happy about - because their dad was finally happy. However, his ex wasn't so happy and was rude and ignored me whenever I saw her for my entire pregnancy. It was no secret that she wished he had stayed with her so I wasn't particularly surprised, but because she was (and is) such a fixed part of their family I began to feel as if she was 'entitled' to be there more than me. It didn't help that my partner always seemed to want her at any parties we had etc. I know it wasn’t because he wanted to get back together with her, only because it made for easy family life and his daughters and son were used to having their parents together, even though they weren’t actually together. But this started to make me feel as though he was happy to upset me, but not his daughters (although he has a son, they don’t really get on that well so I’ll just refer to daughters mainly).
Then my little boy was born, and I without a doubt got post-natal depression. I think I am still affected by it now some 5 years later, but have never spoken to anyone about it until now. I think I might need to but that’s a slightly different issue.
A few weeks after he was born my partner and I made a huge effort to get our house all finished (we were renovating and it was like a building site just before he was born) for Christmas so we could have a family day and evening on 23rd December with his children (we were spending Christmas with my family which is what we had done quite happily and with no arguments the previous 2 years). However, they then found out that we hadn’t invited their mother and refused to come along. Now this might sound like nothing to a lot of people, but for me it was massive. I immediately got upset and it was like a switch – I knew that their mother was poisonous and controlling and had been moaning about the whole thing to them, and maybe I should’ve just been able to ignore this. But my partner did not stand up for me; he just told me I was over-reacting when I got so upset. From that moment on I realised that I would never come first for him, and that his daughters could do no wrong. Apparently, they were just ‘sticking up for their mother’, which he said is what I would do in that situation. After a lot of talking between him and them, they were finally persuaded to come and I put on a brave face, got very drunk and had a nice evening. But I no longer trusted them or him, and felt for the first time that his allegiance was to them, even to his ex (because that made his daughters happy), rather than me. This was the trigger, and things have slowly gone downhill from then to where we are now.
There were no real times that I can put my finger on that they were particularly nasty to me; it was just a strained relationship that I didn’t feel comfortable in. I continued to try though, but the anxiety had well and truly been triggered and there was nothing I could do to stop the horrible feelings of panic that came over me when they were mentioned. I hid this from my partner for a long time, although I do remember just a few months after our little boy was born being very upset and saying that I didn’t want to go away with my girlfriends for a weekend as I thought he would take him to see them for the whole weekend. Again, I know this sounds extreme but I want to be honest. I felt as though I was being excluded from my own family, that they would rather I wasn’t there and that they could all go back to playing happy families with both their mum and dad around. This was bad enough, but then they obviously started to show an interest in my little boy (he is their half-brother, after all). This I really couldn’t handle and it made me feel so unhappy to see them all over him. I think my feelings of insecurity and exclusion were down to the fact that my partner didn’t ever take my side or stand up and say ‘we are a family and I want to do what makes us happy’. Plus the PND, this made for a terrible time for all concerned.
I said I wouldn’t particularly mention the son, but it seems relevant here. For some strange reason I wasn’t invited on his wife’s hen do, even though outwardly things were fine at that point, plus at the wedding he sat his father with his mother and not with me!! On this occasion, my partner did make a stand and came to sit with me which I suppose I was happy about, but to be honest I would rather not have been put in that awkward situation to begin with. I have never been one for public confrontations, I’ve always been taught to walk away from anyone who upsets me or makes me feel bad, but this seemed an insurmountable problem. At least at this point, however, my partner and I were still happy.
Happy enough to decide to have another child, I fell pregnant but then had a miscarriage. I don’t think he told anyone in his family, and I only told my mum and grandma. I think I dealt with it ok, who knows how or whether it affected me. I was sad, and then felt as if I got over it, but that may also have contributed to the unhappy person I am right now. We did try again though and ended up with a beautiful baby girl, born on my birthday. No PND this time thank goodness, but still a lot of anxiety to do with his grown up children. I just didn’t want them to be there as every time they were, it felt as though I was invisible. As I said, nothing I can really put my finger on, and maybe more my partner’s behaviour than theirs, but I always felt extremely uncomfortable. This, according to my partner, is either ‘in my head’ or ‘of my making’.
One example I can think of from when my little girl was tiny was that she was on the slide in our garden with me standing right next to her. He went inside the house and asked his daughter to look after her; I am her mother and I was standing right next to her! I know this was nothing and meant nothing, but it again felt as if I was invisible and that that was the way they would all prefer it as things were really becoming a bit strained by then. His reasoning was that his daughters felt left out so he tried to include them, but I felt like screaming ‘what about me??’ Again, this might sound selfish but I just felt so isolated. At this point, I still used to cry.
My partner and I drifted apart a bit – he went through quite a long phase of going out, getting really drunk and just not coming home. Then, when I’d be upset about it the next day I was always over-reacting according to him. So I built up a wall and focussed on the children, my parents and myself for my happiness. My partner was also renovating another house which was hard work and we hardly ever saw each other, so I kept thinking that when that was all over we could get things back on track again...albeit with the issue of his daughters still in the background.
I can’t really remember the sequence of the events that came next, so I’ll have to guess a little.
My grandma (and, to be honest, was as close as a second mother) became very ill when I was pregnant with my daughter. At one point I had to rush to the hospital in the middle of the night to see her (4 hours away); I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. I just remember my partner and I had argued that very day about his daughters and I had tried to make him see again how I felt. As I jumped into the car all he said was ‘don’t worry, I won’t take our little boy to see them while you’re gone’. Thoughtful of him to say that, but it shouldn’t have been worrying me that much when my grandma was so ill. But the sad fact is, it was.
Just before Christmas 2014 I got a text from the oldest daughter asking if they could take my little boy to the pantomime as they hardly ever get to see him and they would like to get to know him. Again, this should seem reasonable, but because of the background, all I could think was that it was just another way to get me out of the picture and it made me feel sick, my heart was pounding and I was clammy. This just wasn’t happening, so I text back no and also agreed to meet up for a chat (which she had been requesting for a while). As my partner was clearly not going to say anything to his daughters about their constant requests to come round and ‘see the children’, I felt I needed to deal with it myself. So we went for a chat and it wasn’t great. I thought I would just be able to say that I was more than happy for their dad to spend as much time with them as he wanted – I had never made a fuss about it at all, so they would all have known this was true. I just wanted to be separate as I didn’t feel comfortable in their or their mother’s company, and as my children are a package deal with me then that would be the same for them. After all, plenty of people have separate families. This didn’t go down well with them or their dad, but I really couldn’t see why. They didn’t have a relationship with my children so it wasn’t as if I was breaking something up. As I said, I had also said I would be happy if their dad spent as much time as he wanted with them and his grandchildren, so I wasn’t standing in the way of that. But that wasn’t enough either. They just wanted a relationship with my little ones, and were willing to have that without me if necessary. This only served to make me feel even more vulnerable and excluded and so I quietly refused and we parted company. No arguments, no shouting, all very quiet and a bit sad as I realised then that if their dad had shown for one second that I came first it would probably never have gotten to this stage.
A pivotal moment I can remember was on my daughter’s 2nd birthday when they all came round to give the gifts. I was getting sick of the whole thing by this time and we were all struggling to be at all comfortable with each other. As it was my birthday too, it was horrible to have to dread the moment when they would all be there. That morning, we had gone out for a walk (myself, my parents and the children) as my partner was, as usual, working on the house. His children were expected at 2pm so we left the park at 12.30, hoping that my little girl would sleep in the car on the way home. She didn’t, but then we had only been saying in the last few days that she was growing out of her daytime sleeps. Anyway, my partner went mental when we got back home about her not sleeping, saying that I had done it on purpose to sabotage the gathering with his children. I just stared at him, and my mum (who had never said anything to him before that point but who knew all about how unhappy I was) said how dare he talk to me like that, they shouted for a few seconds and then my dad said they were going. I was devastated. My partner went straight round there, apparently to apologise, but what I didn’t know was that just before the gathering with his children at our house (which still went ahead with a smile on my face) he had actually gone round to my mum and dad’s and ended up shouting at my mum, saying that she doesn’t know how he feels and how I’m making him feel. I think she said something along the lines of she doesn’t want to hear about his daughters anymore, and he should take a look at how he’s destroying her daughter…all very sad. So glad I didn’t know this had happened until later, when my brother phoned and told me how upset my mum was, as I think I would’ve taken the children and been off. My mum has never done anything except to try and persuade me to make things work with him, that there must be something between us as we’ve stayed together despite troubles, that things will get better etc etc. Well, I think from that day onwards, although she has said the same things to me and talked me out of leaving many times, her heart isn’t in it as they finally witnessed what had been making me feel so upset – the open hostility and stare from my partner that made me feel as if he wished I wasn’t there, coupled with the fact that he really wanted his daughters there.
So, that was just over a year ago and things haven’t been great since. We have the occasional blow-up about the whole thing, but neither of us has been happy generally. The one thing I resolved to do though was not walk away from the relationship. I know that that’s not always the best thing, and part of me yearns to be without him (I’m sure he feels the same about me), but I believe it’s best for the children to grow up having a mummy and daddy together in a loving and happy home. Especially our little boy, who has certain ‘issues’ – he just would not be able to handle it and it would break my heart as well as his. Also, and here’s a bit that you may all judge me for but I said I wanted to be honest…it makes me feel physically sick to have to a) ‘share’ the children with him ie separate birthdays / Christmases / holidays etc, b) let the children spend probably immense amounts of time with his children, the very thing I am so scared of, c) have my children spend time with his ex who instigated many of these problems. Plus, he used to tell me that when his children used to stay with him they loved it as he would go out all night with his mates and they could stay in his flat with all their mates. The youngest at this point was 8. This is not how I was brought up, far from it, and it’s not the way I’d like my children to be brought up. Our backgrounds, plus the age difference between us, have always been a massive divide which I though didn’t matter but which now clearly does.
Anyway, the last time all this came up (always at birthdays etc) was when they popped round for gift giving in September and October for our children’s birthdays. It was so awkward we didn’t even talk to each other, but please know that although I act this way (and am ashamed of it), it is not only me. It was in my home and my partner just went in the other room with his daughter and our children and shut the door. I was alone. He says it’s all my making and that his daughters feel unwelcome. I say I am so sad about the whole thing and don’t care anymore whose fault it is, it’s just the way it is.
In November 2015 he told me he was going to take our children out for the evening for his granddaughter’s birthday. I don’t know if you can tell from what I’ve written, but I am not one to lie down (stubbornness is unfortunately one of my very bad traits) so I said no. It ended up with him saying that if I don’t let him he would leave me. I talked him down, for the reasons above – that I believe we owe it to the children to stay together, and be happy together and provide a loving and happy home. I resolved from this moment to make everything else in our relationship good; if I convinced myself I was happy maybe I would be. So I smiled, was outwardly in a good mood, didn’t argue, built up a physical relationship again, etc etc. All the things that I knew would make him happy…apart from agreeing to be one big family with his daughters. I know this might sound self-sacrificing and a bit pathetic, and perhaps it is, but I also hope that it’s strong and done out of love for my children. And incidentally, most of the things that we were bickering about disappeared over that time so it obviously was working in some ways. The one thing I couldn’t and can’t do though (as we’re almost up to the present day) is build a relationship with his daughters, or let that happen with my children. I just can’t be an exclusion from their lives. After I said no to the granddaughter’s birthday meal, I got a text from the youngest daughter, basically saying that thanks to me she now has to explain to her daughter why my children aren’t joining her for her birthday and that despite their attempts to involve my children in lovely family events, I am depriving them and getting in the way all the time. Plus, when my children are older she is going to sit them down and tell them all about how I’ve stood in the way of them having a relationship with them etc. This, for me, was the epitome of everything I’ve been worried about for years – the attempt to actually turn my children against me. And what if it succeeds? I will obviously be telling my children anything they want to know in an honest and open way well before anyone else can (maybe by showing them this essay?!) and if they want to hate me for it then that’s fine, but no one should threaten another mother like that. Maybe some of you who read this will agree with what she did, that she was driven to it, but I just wish they would leave me and our children alone as maybe then we could be happy. They have their own families and I’m not interfering in them, I so much wish they would return this.
The final upset (for 2015) was the fact that his daughters wrote their Christmas cards to Dad and the children. I understand why they left me out, but it’s not nice to be openly excluded from your own family. But what really upset me is that he also wrote cards to them from him and our two children, leaving me out. Maybe he sees that I’m not part of his family? I would never do that to him, and it seems to be another example of him giving them what they want but not acknowledging me or my importance in the family in any way. And the sadness of it is, I’m beginning to believe it. Maybe they don’t need me. Maybe I am insignificant.
Last night he told me his parents have now also decided they want nothing to do with us as they can’t believe how I’m being with his children. They have only obviously heard one side of the story but I’m not about to tell them all about my deepest secrets and fears; that’s private, and if my partner can’t and won’t listen and accept any of this then I’m certainly not going to lower myself by trying to publicly defend what has happened. My family are very unhappy with how he’s treated me over the years, but they will and have put their feelings aside and accept him and welcome him for the sake of our and the children’s happiness. His family are obviously unwilling to do the same.
I just don’t know how much longer this can go on for.
If you read the whole thing then please don’t feel you have to reply, I just needed to get it all out.

He told me I was the first person he ever loved, and I still believe that is true, even though it's getting difficult now.

Anyway, so things were fine with his children, we didn't see them that often but when we did we got on fine (he also had 2 grandchildren at that point and now has 4). Then we decided to have a baby, which his children all seemed very happy about - because their dad was finally happy. However, his ex wasn't so happy and was rude and ignored me whenever I saw her for the entire pregnancy. It was no secret that she wished he had stayed with her so I wasn't particularly surprised, but because she was (and is) such a fixed part of their family then I began to feel as if she was 'entitled' to be there more than me. It didn't help that my partner always seemed to want her at any parties we had etc. I know it wasn’t because he wanted to get back together with her, only because it made for easy family life and his daughters and son were used to having their parents together, even though they weren’t actually together. But this started to make me feel as though he was happy to upset me, but not his daughters (although he has a son, they don’t really get on that well so I’ll just refer to daughters mainly).
Then my little boy was born, and I without a doubt got post-natal depression. I think I am still affected by it now some 5 years later, but have never spoken to anyone about it until now. I think I might need to but that’s a slightly different issue.
A few weeks after he was born my partner and I made a huge effort to get our house all finished (we were renovating and it was like a building site just before he was born) for Christmas so we could have a family day and evening on 23rd December with his children (we were spending Christmas with my family which is what we had done quite happily and with no arguments the previous 2 years). However, they then found out that we hadn’t invited their mother and refused to come along. Now this might sound like nothing to a lot of people, but for me it was massive. I immediately got upset and it was like a switch – I knew that their mother was poisonous and controlling and had been moaning about the whole thing to them, and maybe I should’ve just been able to ignore this. But my partner did not stand up for me; he just told me I was over-reacting when I got so upset. From that moment on I realised that I would never come first for him, and that his daughters could do no wrong. Apparently, they were just ‘sticking up for their mother’, which he said is what I would do in that situation. After a lot of talking between him and them, they were finally persuaded to come and I put on a brave face, got very drunk and had a nice evening. But I no longer trusted them or him, and felt for the first time that his allegiance was to them, even to his ex (because that made his daughters happy), rather than me. This was the trigger, and things have slowly gone downhill from then to where we are now.
There were no real times that I can put my finger on that they were particularly nasty to me; it was just a strained relationship that I didn’t feel comfortable in. I continued to try though, but the anxiety had well and truly been triggered and there was nothing I could do to stop the horrible feelings of panic that came over me when they were mentioned. I hid this from my partner for a long time, although I do remember just a few months after our little boy was born being very upset and saying that I didn’t want to go away with my girlfriends for a weekend as I thought he would take him to see them for the whole weekend. Again, I know this sounds extreme but I want to be honest. I felt as though I was being excluded from my own family, that they would rather I wasn’t there and that they could all go back to playing happy families with both their mum and dad around. This was bad enough, but then they obviously started to show an interest in my little boy (he is their half-brother, after all). This I really couldn’t handle and it made me feel so unhappy to see them all over him. I think my feelings of insecurity and exclusion were down to the fact that my partner didn’t ever take my side or stand up and say ‘we are a family and I want to do what makes us happy’. Plus the PND, this made for a terrible time for all concerned.
I said I wouldn’t particularly mention the son, but it seems relevant here. For some strange reason I wasn’t invited on his wife’s hen do, even though outwardly things were fine at that point, plus at the wedding he sat his father with his mother and not with me!! On this occasion, my partner did make a stand and came to sit with me which I suppose I was happy about, but to be honest I would rather not have been put in that awkward situation to begin with. I have never been one for public confrontations, I’ve always been taught to walk away from anyone who upsets me or makes me feel bad, but this seemed an insurmountable problem. At least at this point, however, my partner and I were still happy.
Happy enough to decide to have another child, I fell pregnant but then had a miscarriage. I don’t think he told anyone in his family, and I only told my mum and grandma. I think I dealt with it ok, who knows how or whether it affected me. I was sad, and then felt as if I got over it, but that may also have contributed to the unhappy person I am right now. We did try again though and ended up with a beautiful baby girl, born on my birthday. No PND this time thank goodness, but still a lot of anxiety to do with his grown up children. I just didn’t want them to be there as every time they were, it felt as though I was invisible. As I said, nothing I can really put my finger on, and maybe more my partner’s behaviour than theirs, but I always felt extremely uncomfortable. This, according to my partner, is either ‘in my head’ or ‘of my making’.
One example I can think of from when my little girl was tiny was that she was on the slide in our garden with me standing right next to her. He went inside the house and asked his daughter to look after her; I am her mother and I was standing right next to her! I know this was nothing and meant nothing, but it again felt as if I was invisible and that that was the way they would all prefer it as things were really becoming a bit strained by then. His reasoning was that his daughters felt left out so he tried to include them, but I felt like screaming ‘what about me??’ Again, this might sound selfish but I just felt so isolated. At this point, I still used to cry.
My partner and I drifted apart a bit – he went through quite a long phase of going out, getting really drunk and just not coming home. Then, when I’d be upset about it the next day I was always over-reacting according to him. So I built up a wall and focussed on the children, my parents and myself for my happiness. My partner was also renovating another house which was hard work and we hardly ever saw each other, so I kept thinking that when that was all over we could get things back on track again...albeit with the issue of his daughters still in the background.
I can’t really remember the sequence of the events that came next, so I’ll have to guess a little.
My grandma (and, to be honest, was as close as a second mother) became very ill when I was pregnant with my daughter. At one point I had to rush to the hospital in the middle of the night to see her (4 hours away); I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. I just remember my partner and I had argued that very day about his daughters and I had tried to make him see again how I felt. As I jumped into the car all he said was ‘don’t worry, I won’t take our little boy to see them while you’re gone’. Thoughtful of him to say that, but it shouldn’t have been worrying me that much when my grandma was so ill. But the sad fact is, it was.
Just before Christmas 2014 I got a text from the oldest daughter asking if they could take my little boy to the pantomime as they hardly ever get to see him and they would like to get to know him. Again, this should seem reasonable, but because of the background, all I could think was that it was just another way to get me out of the picture and it made me feel sick, my heart was pounding and I was clammy. This just wasn’t happening, so I text back no and also agreed to meet up for a chat (which she had been requesting for a while). As my partner was clearly not going to say anything to his daughters about their constant requests to come round and ‘see the children’, I felt I needed to deal with it myself. So we went for a chat and it wasn’t great. I thought I would just be able to say that I was more than happy for their dad to spend as much time with them as he wanted – I had never made a fuss about it at all, so they would all have known this was true. I just wanted to be separate as I didn’t feel comfortable in their or their mother’s company, and as my children are a package deal with me then that would be the same for them. After all, plenty of people have separate families. This didn’t go down well with them or their dad, but I really couldn’t see why. They didn’t have a relationship with my children so it wasn’t as if I was breaking something up. As I said, I had also said I would be happy if their dad spent as much time as he wanted with them and his grandchildren, so I wasn’t standing in the way of that. But that wasn’t enough either. They just wanted a relationship with my little ones, and were willing to have that without me if necessary. This only served to make me feel even more vulnerable and excluded and so I quietly refused and we parted company. No arguments, no shouting, all very quiet and a bit sad as I realised then that if their dad had shown for one second that I came first it would probably never have gotten to this stage.
A pivotal moment I can remember was on my daughter’s 2nd birthday when they all came round to give the gifts. I was getting sick of the whole thing by this time and we were all struggling to be at all comfortable with each other. As it was my birthday too, it was horrible to have to dread the moment when they would all be there. That morning, we had gone out for a walk (myself, my parents and the children) as my partner was, as usual, working on the house. His children were expected at 2pm so we left the park at 12.30, hoping that my little girl would sleep in the car on the way home. She didn’t, but then we had only been saying in the last few days that she was growing out of her daytime sleeps. Anyway, my partner went mental when we got back home about her not sleeping, saying that I had done it on purpose to sabotage the gathering with his children. I just stared at him, and my mum (who had never said anything to him before that point but who knew all about how unhappy I was) said how dare he talk to me like that, they shouted for a few seconds and then my dad said they were going. I was devastated. My partner went straight round there, apparently to apologise, but what I didn’t know was that just before the gathering with his children at our house (which still went ahead with a smile on my face) he had actually gone round to my mum and dad’s and ended up shouting at my mum, saying that she doesn’t know how he feels and how I’m making him feel. I think she said something along the lines of she doesn’t want to hear about his daughters anymore, and he should take a look at how he’s destroying her daughter…all very sad. So glad I didn’t know this had happened until later, when my brother phoned and told me how upset my mum was, as I think I would’ve taken the children and been off. My mum has never done anything except to try and persuade me to make things work with him, that there must be something between us as we’ve stayed together despite troubles, that things will get better etc etc. Well, I think from that day onwards, although she has said the same things to me and talked me out of leaving many times, her heart isn’t in it as they finally witnessed what had been making me feel so upset – the open hostility and stare from my partner that made me feel as if he wished I wasn’t there, coupled with the fact that he really wanted his daughters there.
So, that was just over a year ago and things haven’t been great since. We have the occasional blow-up about the whole thing, but neither of us has been happy generally. The one thing I resolved to do though was not walk away from the relationship. I know that that’s not always the best thing, and part of me yearns to be without him (I’m sure he feels the same about me), but I believe it’s best for the children to grow up having a mummy and daddy together in a loving and happy home. Especially our little boy, who has certain ‘issues’ – he just would not be able to handle it and it would break my heart as well as his. Also, and here’s a bit that you may all judge me for but I said I wanted to be honest…it makes me feel physically sick to have to a) ‘share’ the children with him ie separate birthdays / Christmases / holidays etc, b) let the children spend probably immense amounts of time with his children, the very thing I am so scared of, c) have my children spend time with his ex who instigated many of these problems. Plus, he used to tell me that when his children used to stay with him they loved it as he would go out all night with his mates and they could stay in his flat with all their mates. The youngest at this point was 8. This is not how I was brought up, far from it, and it’s not the way I’d like my children to be brought up. Our backgrounds, plus the age difference between us, have always been a massive divide which I though didn’t matter but which now clearly does.
Anyway, the last time all this came up (always at birthdays etc) was when they popped round for gift giving in September and October for our children’s birthdays. It was so awkward we didn’t even talk to each other, but please know that although I act this way (and am ashamed of it), it is not only me. It was in my home and my partner just went in the other room with his daughter and our children and shut the door. I was alone. He says it’s all my making and that his daughters feel unwelcome. I say I am so sad about the whole thing and don’t care anymore whose fault it is, it’s just the way it is.
In November 2015 he told me he was going to take our children out for the evening for his granddaughter’s birthday. I don’t know if you can tell from what I’ve written, but I am not one to lie down (stubbornness is unfortunately one of my very bad traits) so I said no. It ended up with him saying that if I don’t let him he would leave me. I talked him down, for the reasons above – that I believe we owe it to the children to stay together, and be happy together and provide a loving and happy home. I resolved from this moment to make everything else in our relationship good; if I convinced myself I was happy maybe I would be. So I smiled, was outwardly in a good mood, didn’t argue, built up a physical relationship again, etc etc. All the things that I knew would make him happy…apart from agreeing to be one big family with his daughters. I know this might sound self-sacrificing and a bit pathetic, and perhaps it is, but I also hope that it’s strong and done out of love for my children. And incidentally, most of the things that we were bickering about disappeared over that time so it obviously was working in some ways. The one thing I couldn’t and can’t do though (as we’re almost up to the present day) is build a relationship with his daughters, or let that happen with my children. I just can’t be an exclusion from their lives. After I said no to the granddaughter’s birthday meal, I got a text from the youngest daughter, basically saying that thanks to me she now has to explain to her daughter why my children aren’t joining her for her birthday and that despite their attempts to involve my children in lovely family events, I am depriving them and getting in the way all the time. Plus, when my children are older she is going to sit them down and tell them all about how I’ve stood in the way of them having a relationship with them etc. This, for me, was the epitome of everything I’ve been worried about for years – the attempt to actually turn my children against me. And what if it succeeds? I will obviously be telling my children anything they want to know in an honest and open way well before anyone else can (maybe by showing them this essay?!) and if they want to hate me for it then that’s fine, but no one should threaten another mother like that. Maybe some of you who read this will agree with what she did, that she was driven to it, but I just wish they would leave me and our children alone as maybe then we could be happy. They have their own families and I’m not interfering in them, I so much wish they would return this.
The final upset (for 2015) was the fact that his daughters wrote their Christmas cards to Dad and the children. I understand why they left me out, but it’s not nice to be openly excluded from your own family. But what really upset me is that he also wrote cards to them from him and our two children, leaving me out. Maybe he sees that I’m not part of his family? I would never do that to him, and it seems to be another example of him giving them what they want but not acknowledging me or my importance in the family in any way. And the sadness of it is, I’m beginning to believe it. Maybe they don’t need me. Maybe I am insignificant.
Last night he told me his parents have now also decided they want nothing to do with us as they can’t believe how I’m being with his children. They have only obviously heard one side of the story but I’m not about to tell them all about my deepest secrets and fears; that’s private, and if my partner can’t and won’t listen and accept any of this then I’m certainly not going to lower myself by trying to publicly defend what has happened. My family are very unhappy with how he’s treated me over the years, but they will and have put their feelings aside and accept him and welcome him for the sake of our and the children’s happiness. His family are obviously unwilling to do the same.
I just don’t know how much longer this can go on for.
If you read the whole thing then please don’t feel you have to reply, I just needed to get it all out.

it is so frustrating to be on the receiving end of cruel people. If anyone else was to treat me like this I would just walk away and have nothing to do with them. But when they are your husbands children.. Your stuck. I love that so many of you have cut off. I wish I could do that. We are expecting a child now. So many people around me are so happy and so supportive. Except his son. He is the only person who has not congratulated me. My husband can't see the problem here and has been making excuse after excuse. His daughter has been supportive which Is reassuring. However in the same breathe organised a family gathering excluding us but with all of husbands family and his ex and plastered facebook with photos boasting the "family event". So who knows. I found that to be cruel. I am going to try and hang in there a little longer. But my dream would be to exist without them in it, or with them being decent respectful human beings towards me. Sadly I don't feel the later is in them.

it is so frustrating to be on the receiving end of cruel people. If anyone else was to treat me like this I would just walk away and have nothing to do with them. But when they are your husbands children.. Your stuck. I love that so many of you have cut off. I wish I could do that. We are expecting a child now. So many people around me are so happy and so supportive. Except his son. He is the only person who has not congratulated me. My husband can't see the problem here and has been making excuse after excuse. His daughter has been supportive which Is reassuring. However in the same breathe organised a family gathering excluding us but with all of husbands family and his ex and plastered facebook with photos boasting the "family event". So who knows. I found that to be cruel. I am going to try and hang in there a little longer. But my dream would be to exist without them in it, or with them being decent respectful human beings towards me. Sadly I don't feel the later is in them.

By me adults are given the same consideration that they demonstrate and are treated according to their behaviors towards me and those I care about.

If they don't earn it, I don't care.

Skids or even BKs should have to deliver on reasonable respecful behavior just as any other adult would.

IMHO of course.

The only answer for most of us is to stay away from these ungrateful and selfish SD's. Erase them from your life and until husband steps up to actually father his brats, rather than be their buddy); either way you have a peaceful existence for a change. Never being around them sends a powerful message, even when it appears nobody is listening or caring, but you.

Do this for you.....

Lord have mercy, thank you for this message board! I am sure you steps can relate, but I have been dreading mid-July for MONTHS now. My husband 4 grown children (3 by one marriage, one by another) are all planning on coming to our house for a homecoming for several days. The youngest built a house on the back of our property (the family farm) and the other 3 live out of state. Oldest is a princess control freak, second girl is my favorite, but she follows the oldest, and the boy is (and I'm serious here) crazy. The baby used to live with us and just loved me to death and her Mom and I get on great (I had nothing to do with his marriages ending). She and her husband moved out and I think the oldest 3 put the guilt trip on her and now she won't speak to me.

I have the whole disengaged thing down. I'm nice when I want to be. If I see something that makes me think of them, I send it to them. I don't remember their birthdays nor do I get them Christmas presents. I used to, but it just made them hate me more. My problem for the past years has been the youngest, she had two girls really close together and I love them. She let me keep them and I am their Grandmama. Now she has crawled back in her shell and taken her kids with her. I do not get to see them. They live 1/2 mile behind me, I walk my dogs between our house and theirs about every day. They have to pass our house to get to town. But I still can't see them. I can take care of their dog when they leave for two week vacations, but I can't see the babies.

My husband is totally over the kids. He could care less. He enjoys them and the grandkids when he sees them, but doesn't think about them too much. He doesn't care if I get along with them or not, and doesn't expect me to take any crap off them. I miss my grandgirls. I come from a huge family where we keep divorced spouses and love step kids and I just thought we could all be nice and friendly and cobble a blended family out of it. I don't have any kids, I didn't want to be their mother, I just want to live my life with their Dad and be happy. They will be horrible when they come. They drink too much and get "brave" and say things they shouldn't. I have decided to address each and every comment with cool, calm and direct action - I hear what you're saying and I do not appreciate it type thing.

I can't win. But I have a great life with their Dad and I'm not losing it over these guys. They are so ridiculous! I don't even understand what their problem is and I don't think they do either. I think it's just the fact that I exist. Period.

I do a lot of meditation over this and I will survive the visit. I do miss those girls and hate that she's raising them in a toxic environment where they are denied love. I would never judge her, undercut her with her kids, or do anything to upset them, but I can see that she would. And their her kids and she can do it if she wants.

So yes, disengage completely. Draw your line, defend it with dignity and certainness, and understand there will NEVER be a breakthough, never be a better time, and it's not personal. It's not that they dislike YOU, it's that they dislike you existing.

Wish me luck! I've been dreading July like the end of days. I can't wait til it's here and gone! I will have 2 adult children staying here, their teenaged sons and small kids and girlfriends and a fiancé. The boy and the baby will be dropping in and out. It will be a zoo of maladjusted misfit sad people and I just keep reminding myself to pity them, not fear them.

Boy, did this hit home with me. I have two SD (even though I have been told to refer to them as my husbands daughters) that treat me with hot/cold behavior too.

H and X have been divorced for 28 years, but that does not seem to make any difference. SD #1 plays her Daddy by telling him that "we don't see you as much as we did when you were single". I've told both kids they can stop by any time, but they never do...likewise youngest one totally freaks out if someone refers to me as her daughters grandma. (I was told I cannot be grandma...just Nana) whatever.

I too have strived to build these relationships, but they are not meeting me halfway. Only time they want me around is when they need something, babysitting or $. Very, very sad, to say the least. I show up at the command performances, ie: Birthdays, Holidays, etc...but try to avoid everything else now. It's worked out better.

I treat them as they treat me...as an acquaintance. I am polite and cordial, but do not go out of my way any longer. Enough abuse is enough. Sad this is happening, but it is what it is.

I focus my time now on those individuals that want me around and love me for who I am. Best wishes to you!

I want to thank everyone for your comments; it has helped me tremendously.

Oh, dear. You are NOT alone in feeling this way. I imagine all of us have had the exact same feelings before we decided enough was enough. You feel like you're betraying him, you don't want to hurt his feelings, SKids behavior isn't THAT bad but bad enough that DH should be defending your honor, you've reached a point where you're uncomfortable enough that you no longer voice an opinion or an observation. Eventually, it comes to a matter of self-respect and self-preservation for you. When you've had enough, you'll put a stop to it and DH's thoughts on the matter won't be a consideration because he's had hundreds of opportunities to call out the problem and tell his kids to get straight but hasn't done anything. Maybe try having an honest and calm discussion with DH and give him a heads up as to where this is going if it continues the way it has.

Hi all I’ve been looking for a place to vent or a support group to help me deal with my situation with my husbands bitter and hateful ex wife and their three adult daughters. Let me say that I did not cause their divorce in any way. They were married for over thirty years but in a loveless marriage for many years and she divorced him. She legally separated from him and wanted to kick him out of the house and would not go to counseling. She said it was over and she didn’t love him. They took turns living in the house while the divorce was in process. During this time he decided to move on and started dating since she refused to even talk to him about reconciliation. We met a month before his divorce was final but many months after they split. Since the beginning she has been trying to cause problems with their adult daughters first toward my husband and then me once I was in the picture. She’s a very bitter and unhappy insecure woman. She seems very hateful and angry toward us but mostly me now that he moved on and she hasn’t. I’ve tried to be nice to the kids but they treat me like I’m almost invisible and if I do something nice it’s met with distrust and no appreciation or even a thank you. For example we went in buying one daughter house warming gifts. We each bought one item they were similar but different and dropped them off at the daughters new apartment. We handed her the gifts with two separate receipts because we had each bought one. Of course the receipts showed two different credit cards numbers or the last 4 digits anyway. We gave her the receipts in case she needed to return them and explained one was from each of us. She then said thank you to my husband only and ignored me. When we left I told my husband that I didn’t think she understood that the second gift was from me. He said of course she did but called her anyway to let her know one was from each of us and that’s why there were two receipts. She said oh ok. Then months later while he was in the phone with her I overheard her saying to him that she knew I didn’t buy that gift! He was shocked and asked her why she would think that and told her again that we each bought one and gave her two receipts. He was very confused and upset about it. I said I think his ex wife puts these ideas in their mind or something. When I gave his youngest daughter money and a card for graduating, she sent a note saying thank you for coming to my party but made no mention of the gift. They play these mind games all the time, these subtle FUs. My husband doesn’t see it, he’s oblivious to the nasty games and rudeness. I feel like I want nothing to do with these manipulative unkind rude adults but I feel their goal is to make me feel unwelcome so I don’t come to events which is what they want. If I don’t come they win and so does his ex. I definitely don’t want to spend another penny on these entitled spoiled thankless kids. How would you all feel? There have been several family events like a house warming party, graduation, birthday party etc that the kids want their father at but since the ex wife is there they want him there without me. I feel like they would be manipulating the situation and making me feel unwelcome without overtly telling me not to come. I don’t want them to have this control. Do I then need to suffer through these horrid events but just not spend a penny of my own money anymore since they don’t appreciate anything from me anyway? Or accuse me of not really giving a gift. I had no idea ex wives and step kids could be so awful