No, that would mean he was wrong about something

Yes. DH had his AHA moment when SS15 came back to live with us this summer, after moving in with his mom 500 miles away for a semester. SS was home for one day, DH laid out all the rules and expectations and SS told DH that he was NOT going to stop smoking mj and there was nothing DH could do about it. SS said we could drug test him all we want but he's letting us know in advance he will fail and we can keep him locked up all we want but when he goes to school he will get high. At that moment, DH realized he had no control over his kid and immediately decided SS could go back to live with his mom. After 6 glorious months of being SS free and having a home full of peace, harmony and cleanliness, he just knew that his SS would surely disrupt all of it. As he did. He stayed with us for about a month over the summer and managed to bring drugs into our home, lie, cheat, steal, be a slob, do all his chores half a$$ed. He was disrespectful, disruptive and just bad as hell. We sent him back to his mom's and she kicked him out too after a few weeks. So now the kid is being shipped across the country to live with relatives. After 10 years of misery, chaos and drama with SS, DH had a break finally and realized there was a more peaceful and harmonious way of life which was available when his son was out of the picture. Its really sad actually and I hope SS can get it together at some point. He's old enough, about to be 16 to turn it around and make a change. Its up to him. If he is old enough to steal cars, money, do drugs and be an a$$, he is old enough to turn it around.

"The moment when they realize that what you provide, comfort, nuturing, hot food, hugs, sex serves them better than what the skid provides"

Just ewww for a minute.. you can't equate or measure what a parent "gets" from their child vs the relationship "gets" from their SO.

Just because a SM is good in the sack doesn't mean that they will "detach" from a relationship from their child. Just kind of weird to think they would.

Parents have different relationships with their children than they do with their spouses. I'm not sure if you mean the moment when the parent realizes what a horrid little person their child is and sides with the Step parent.

The turning point for my DH was more about my setting boundaries than him having an "AHA" moment. Here's what happened:

SD lives out of town. We typically go to her place for Christmas. Which is fine. We stay in a hotel and we all generally get along. But there is always that one evening when DH and SD get wound up in the "remember when" game. "Remember when I was 4 and we watched that cartoon and you made those funny faces and Mom got so mad and then..." This game started mid-afternoon, continued through dinner out, and went on into the evening. SD's husband had "projects" to work on in another part of the house. SS left to go to his own house. I was stuck. I tried multiple approaches -- asking questions, adding a comment, even trying to contribute a short story about one of my own experiences that had been similar to one of their stories. I was literally shouted down by DH when I tried to add anything. It changed their script.

I lost it on DH later. His excuse was that they do all this story telling FOR MY BENEFIT so that I get to learn about SD and SS. I called big fat bullshit on that one--as they clearly weren't interested in learning anything about me and would have clearly preferred that I not participate at all. It was all about exclusion, and circling their own little pack together. I have no problem with their bonding moments, but it was evident that I was not to be included. DH was pissed. At ME. Until he had time to think about it.

I don't know what he said to SD, but the behavior changed. SD said something to me at one point about how I don't like to talk about the past and she thought that odd -- she wasn't being critical either, more curious. I said that I don't like being excluded from conversations for hours at a time. Don't know if she got it or not--they still dip into the "remember when" game but we don't get stuck there. I can live with that.

DH still jumps when his kids say jump. He has recognized that and is learning to take a breath first, and stand up to them as needed. He was always a friend parent, so not much of a parent. And then he marries this bitch who expects her marriage to involve only two people. How rude of me.

mine got his when I looked at him and said we are getting divorced. This was after many arguments and conversations that if he lied to me again about his financial support to adult SDs we would. He did, we did.

Although, I don't think he completely gets it- he wants to still have some kind of future together but still lies about all things SDs.

My DH's Aha was a process that occurred over about three months after I disengaged from OSD32. I expected that he would assume full responsibility for his relationship with his daughter; what I couldn't foresee was him also disengaging. Without my constant enabling and fixing, he was able to fully experience OSD in all her narcissistic glory. After that, the frost that had been between us thawed.

I've said before that men just want to be comfortable, and will usually take the path of least resistance. Sure, if DH had his druthers, I'd still be eating excrement and facilitating his relationships for him. But when forced to do it all on his own, he went with his own best interests and chose the relationship where he is loved and supported instead of exploited.

If my DH had an AHA moment it was before he met me. I would not have dated him much less married him if he didn't have sense enough to realize that a good wife would add more to his life than a crappy adult son.

When ss31's (now ex) gf texted DH begging him to turn ss's old phone back on. 31, living with mommy and having his gf beg daddy to pay his phone bill again. Pathetic. Then ss26 giving DH the cold shoulder for 4 mos (he lives 10 mins away) because we refused to drive 2 hrs roundtrip to babysit the grandkids AND their cousin (no relation to DH).

To the extent that DH ever had an AHA moment, it was when he realized I had disengaged. "Disengagement" is not how he thinks of it, nor is it the term he would use to describe it, but that's what it is.

He still thinks SS's s**t don't stink, and he still thinks I'm unreasonably harsh toward SS. But SS is no longer an item of dissension between us, or even a matter of discussion. I rarely bother to give SS a thought.

It's a restless peace, but better than nothing.

DH would like to believe his princess is perfect, but there were times it was so over-the-top blatantly bad that even DH had to face reality and do something about her. A few examples that come to mind:

1) She moved into our house when we were on vacation and proceeded to act like it was hers. The a-HA moment for DH came after it was discovered that she went upstairs into our bedroom and removed a book from my shelf while we were out of the house. Her snooping around in our marital bedroom, our only remaining private place, was the last straw for DH and he told her she needed to find another place to live.

2) After throwing her a birthday party and cooking up a storm, buying her presents, and trying to make her day special and memorable, after she had drained every ounce of energy out of me, she left without even saying thank you or goodbye. Just drove off. That was a defining moment for DH.

3) After blowing up my phone with text messages and voicemails because we didn't answer her question about where our new address is going to be, DH had an a-HA moment and told her not to ever text me again.

My DH has not, nor will he ever, reach a AHA moment with his DD. DH is never wrong, nor does he apologize for any of his or his DD's passive aggressive actions.

I don't even think about it, because I've accepted the fact that DH is a good Father and always has been. He will forever defend his children, as it should be, but not at my expense any longer.

Just because SD56 hates me and doesn't even like her own Mother, doesn't enter into my train of thought after 7 years of disengagement.

My AHA moment was disengagement from SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter).

DH is on his own. He knows where it is a better life and he is here with our marriage.

My DH always knew his son had issues - but took him in to live with him after he did his 3 1/2 years in juvie (for the crime that goes unnamed). That lasted about 3-4 years with MANY problems.

The final straw was when SS physically attacked him (again). SS was 7" taller and 30 years younger - but my DH was 1)Sober and 2) Trained as special ops in the military. DH said he had to get rid of him or he would ended up killing SS (in self defense). He had SS removed with police escort, and they did not have any contact for over a year.

All of this was prior to my meeting DH. Thank God - I'd have never gotten in the middle of that crap.

When DH moved in with me (I lived in the same city SS relocated to where his mother is) he made an outreach to SS. That's when I first met him. OMG - Here's my first encounter with SS:

We picked him up from a drug den in the most horrible apartments I've ever been near. SS just slept on the floor at some unit. He had an a ragged ass pair of shorts and tshirt with wornout rubber flip flops - this was practically all he had to his name. He was high as a kite. He had recently been beaten almost to a pulp (most likely a drug deal gone wrong) and was black and blue from head to toe. His GF (skank ho of the year) was with him.

ETA - we only picked him up to give him a ride. DH was adamant that SS could never stay with us.

I could go on with lots more details about the worthless POS. But as of today he's latched on (with an anchor baby) to a young woman (stupid as shit who had never had a boyfriend before) who has a house, job and car. SS's life looks FABULOUS compared to 2-3 years ago. He's still a drunk with a chip on his shoulder - but she loooooooves him.

My poor DH is so proud of his progress. But to me he's still a worthless POS - he's just found a better class of woman to latch onto.

" ... he's latched on (with an anchor baby) to a young woman (stupid as shit who had never had a boyfriend before) who has a house, job and car ... he's just found a better class of woman to latch onto.�"

And rip off at the end, no doubt. For her sake, I hope she's not quite as stupid as you say. At least I hope she's smart enough to consult with someone who can tell her how to keep this little s**t out of her fortune, such as it is.