Am I setting boundaries or being rude?
I am a 47 year old with grown and way out of the house independent adult kids. My husband and I have known each other since the 7th grade but only recently (2017) reconnected and married. He has 2 children at home, at the time SD was 16 and SS was 20.
We have different styles of parenting and I have always expected my kids to have natural consequences. Part of that to me is, if you aren't helping pay a small portion for your extra privileges (like cell phone, car insurance, ect) then you dont have those things. That said, we have a recent grad who we pay a car payment for, car insurance, and cell phone. As well as she has a room here to come and go as she pleases. Shes an "adult" so she doesn't feel like she needs to mention to us that shes coming or going. She doesn't work. Isnt going to college and refuses to speak to me. My SS moved out less than a year ago at 22 at my insistence. He smoked pot in my house all day, made messes, was aggressive towards his Dad and I and just completely rude and I had enough. So after all that (sigh) I am wondering if I have am setting boundaries by asking my husband to talk to her and explain she will need to get a job to help pay a portion of the $600/month bills we pay or if I'm being ridiculous to expect that. My husband feels like pressuring her to get a job isnt what he wants to do and with BM telling her that everything that happens that the "kids" dont like is directly my fault. I honestly at this point give zero craps if these adults like me. I have given up my delusion of this happy blended family but I dont want my marriage to end. Am I out of line to expect that my husband requires them to apologize to not ignore me like I dont exist in my own home? I'm so sad and frustrated and also so happy to have found this site! Help
My husband has guilty Dad syndrome something fierce and BM is a miserable, jealous, angry manipulator who is constantly meddling in our lives. She wanted the divorce after threatening it for the 15 years prior and flipped out when he finally had enough. We did not get together until they had been divorced almost 10 years and I have tried to include her for the sake of the family in most extra things which has backfired I now see. I had just been hoping to have the kind of family dynamics that I have with my Ex, but I dont think that will ever happen sadly.
*I'm new here, thank you for bearing with me if I'm not posting correctly.
IMHO
You need seperate finances, and let him deal with whatever money he gives to his kids. You are allowed to set demands with your kids. Setting with his will breed resentment.
As ridiculous as that is, you
As ridiculous as that is, you're pretty much right. Those people had their way of dealing before she came into the picture and ain't anyone going to rectify it now!
You Are Not Out Of Line
The sooner you can shut all this crap down the better. There are women on here who have suffered for years, and these girls will manipulate and twist & turn every chance they get. And like you, most of us had the idea that we could have a great blended family. And came to the situation with an open heart and open mind, and tried to win these people over, but let me tell you there is no winning them over, and I don’t think there’s any fixing an enabler who will allow these “kids”to behave this way. You’re smart to speak up and not hold it in for years and suffer in silence. I admire you for that.
I just feel so overwhelmed
I just feel so overwhelmed and disappointed. What I thought this new family would look like, has been dramatically different. I am made to feel by his kids that I am this wicked, evil person and they can't not stop being victims. It is more stressful on a daily basis than I could ever have imagined. I am so thankful I have found this page.
Separating finances does
Separating finances does nothing to stop the enabling of the adult kid if a parent is determined to coddle their offspring. If she were going to school fulltime, I would have no issues with "helping" her. If she were working fulltime, I wouldn't have any problem with a little assistance here and there.
I would have a big problem with enabling a jobless, aimless "adult" with no education who treats me like garbage. A very big problem.
I agree! I am starting to
I agree! I am starting to feel like nothing I can say on this subject is heard. I never had my parent paying fro things once I was an adult and I was even expected to help pay for the things I did get. I can not understand an adult not wanting to be independant, this is all new to me.
Well, the way he sees it, he
Well, the way he sees it, he has the money (unlike your parents) and he's going to give his kids a better life, darnit! So, in his mind, you're comparing apples to oranges, if you get me. I agree with you on this issue, by the way.
Boundaries and financing adult skid lifestyle
Wow - can I live with you? Im clean and nice and say hi and goodbye, and will treat you with common respect due you as a human being. $600 is quite the deal!!!
- Give SD some time to get a job, and let her know that she will start paying rent to include her car payment and insurance and phone bill. With only minimum jobs available, she will start thinking about college VERY quickly.
- Let everyone know that treating each other with respect is a given. Good for you setting that SS straight! Hopefully he will come around (maybe with his own steps he will undrestand!) Is SD20 plus? No hope controlling her ins and outs. I was bad about that too.
Just so you dont feel so bad - SD20 and I are no contact. She has disrespected me and I wont let her move back in. She is currently with her mother and complaining about paying 200/month. And this after stealing over 1,000$ from her (no sympathy!).
Come on over, hahaha. I know
Come on over, hahaha. I know right, I don't get how this sets anyone up for any real world experience. My SD yesterday messaged my husband letting him know that she is having to go to counseling now because of me. Odds are, she is going to hit him up for money. Lawd.
It sounds reasonable
In our house we have two recent HS grads. DS (my bio) has always been told by me and XH that he has the summer after graduation to get his act together and come fall he either starts college, goes into the military, or moves out. If OSS wasn't going to college, I'd be having a hard, long talk with he and DH. They are welcome to go live with the other parent but not here. DH agrees to things but when reality hits/a deadline is looming, he does a quick justification to reverse his agreement.
But respect should be the norm regardless of who is in the house.
I feel you! My DH and I just
I feel you! My DH and I just didn't talk about this much if at all. My kids had been out of the house for many years before we married and I just assumed he wanted his children to be independant adults because, isn't that what we are parenting for? Anyway, he is also great at stalling or making excuses and it is tiresome.
You aren't being unreasonable
You aren't being unreasonable at all, but it is unfortunate that you didn't hash this stuff out before you said I Do.
If your H's daughter just graduated high school, she may want to have some fun before starting to adult, but this is the time to have a discussion with your H regarding his daughter's plan for her future. How will you guide her to independence? What will be required of her as a fellow adult in the home? Just make sure you approach the issue with the stance that you want to help SD transition successfully; that you want her to have all the tools to be able to take on the world and stand on her own; that she's smart and talented and can acheive sooo much, blah, blah, blah. Point out how you guided your own kids to launch, and how much you're looking forward to being empty nesters who can stroll about the house naked and have hot sex in the kitchen, etc. Be strategic, always refer to "we" and "us", and make it about wanting the best for SD's future.
I so very much WISH we had
I so very much WISH we had talked about this more. I see why remarraiges are more prone to divorce, the combination of so many things work against you if you don't actually try and think them all through. Thank you for relying.
Just, even if you had
Just, even if you had discussed the subject more before marrying, you would've still married him because you were "in love"... Love is blind. I think what irks you the most is seeing that his kids are entitled brats who use their dad. You're right!
You could have talked them
You could have talked every issue through and had a fully established blueprint for how they would be handled in transitioning from high school to adulthood and it would have made no difference if he changed his mind when the time came. Plans and agreements are not blood oaths and the only remedy for not following through is divorce. Many of us, me included, had long heart to heart discussions and "were completely on the same page" with more issues than you could shake a stick at. When the "guilty daddy" suddenly inhabits the body of the man that you married, all of the "but you said" and "but we agreed" in the world means nothing.
I wonder where is BM
I wonder where is BM with the helping finance these adult children?? She seems to have enough opinions on what goes on in your house!! How about she puts her money where her mouth is?
You are not wrong!! It does these adult children no favors at all to pay their way and not teach them to live in the real world!! I understand been there!! I also wanted a nice blended family, I feel for you but you can't have that at the expense of yourself and your sanity. It is YOUR house!! Not the bratty step-kid that won't speak to you!! Doesn't matter if they are your kids or not! Your house your rules and your husband your finances!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel for you!!!! Hang in there!!!
So sorry you're having to
So sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm in a similar situation with SS19; however, he DOES work. Dh has major dad guilt and babies the crap out of him--it's complete coddling; meanwhile, my dd's (15 and 17) are the ones suffering for it. My take on it: She's an adult. If she's in your house, not working, eating your food, not going to school--guess what--bye bye. Get a job, and pay for some of the expenses.
We have a bathroom on each of
We have a bathroom on each of the 3 levels, though only the one upstairs has a tub...the one in the basement has a walk in shower.
My girls love the walk in shower.. it's pretty fancy, has jets on the side as well as a jungle head above and a handheld shower thing, each water spray controlled by its own knob.
They're teenage girls. Products. Hair. Mess.
My oldest, an almost 17 year old boy, has volunteered to pay "rent" of 50$ every week he's here for exclusive use of that bathroom. His room is in the basement.
LOL
I said no... but I did make it a point to talk about the girls cleaning up after themselves better.
He still pitches the idea now and then, because he's under the impression that once he turns 18 he'll have to pay rent anyway...
The "worth" of the payment depends on what the payor considers fair. 600 a month I'd consider steep for my own kids... but it wouldn't be if car pmt and insurance is on their...and I don't pay that for DS so...