Am I wrong to say enough
I have been a stepmum for over 25 years. We have been subjected over that time to bad behaviour, theft, verbal abuse and for the last two years ignored as a punishment for non complying with the eldest wishes. She severed contact with a volley of vile texts and the other two follow like sheep.
In that time two of them now have their own children and we never knew (sad for my husband).
Now they are back and the oldest who's 28 but acts like she's still a child when it suits, is saying she wants a line drawn in the sand and nothing of the past mentioned. She also says she wants nothing to do with me or my family (step brother and sister...who have been through so much because of these kids) only her father is what she says. When he first met with them he said he was going to tell her straight it was all or nothing as we are a family and she cannot call the shots... Huh like heck he did, every time she texts he goes running.
I have decided I have had enough after all these years and have told my husband he can see them if he wants but I don't want to be involved any more. They have their own homes so he can go there or take the little ones to the park etc. They have been to our home once for dinner, they even text me telling me what they expected to eat (my husband and I rowed about this of course). They communicate with me to appease their father.
At one time all I wanted to do was care for them as they had a bad time with their BM, we were used as place of safety for social services on occasions...but the kids always wanted to go back home as they had complete freedom and no rules.
Early years I received wreaths, deliveries, threatening calls and even calls to the ward where I worked, it's been a long slog. Now the BM died a couple of years ago whilst estranged from all of them (nothing to do with us)
The stepkids are following similar patterns and I just can't take it any more.
I feel bad but I'm done... am I wrong?
Nope, not wrong at all. There
Nope, not wrong at all. There is no way in hell I would have anything to do with my SD23 if she treated me like that.
But, my husband would not put up with her saying that she wants nothing to do with me and she would not have the guts to say that to him, anyway.
Thank you so much, life has
Thank you so much, life has been very unhappy over the years because of them and their behaviour. We felt compelled to try so hard for them when they were young but they are old enough now to show some respect and not keep playing the sympathy card.
My own two have been so good and so sharing with them, but they too get abuse behind their backs or ignored when it suits.
I have recently been diagnosed with difficult cardiac problems myself and I do not feel I have the inclination or energy to fight the same old battles with them
THIS! ^^^ No way are they
THIS! ^^^
No way are they worth letting your health go down for. You do what is best for you! They are adults and can figure it out on their own like the rest of us do/did. You concentrate on surrounding yourself with people and things that are going to add positivity into your life and treat yourself with a lot of love and care!
.I can relate... After
.I can relate... After 26
Submitted by peacemaker on Sat, 07/05/2014 - 3:34pm.
I can relate...
After 26 years of being treated with apathy (yes, it only took me 26 years and the passing of the BM for me to get it)...I realized it is the legacy that the parents handed down from one generation to the next that you are dealing with....Even though it comes through the SS...it is actually the hate, disregard, apathy, disrespect, abandonment issues, orphan spirit...what ever you want to fill the blank in with....that they have chosen to hold onto at this time in their lives that keeps them in bondage...in other words...It's THEIR baggage that is in your face...they are just the vessel it is flowing through....
The part that amazes me is how many Dh's (including mine) expect us to do their job for them...After being told recently by my Adult ski's that their family was here first and was none of my business...I have finally decided to agree with them, and have pulled myself out of their lives completely and have given them what they have all been overtly asking for...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from me...they are no longer any of my business...and as difficult as making the cut was..I am finally free from the toxic culture that held me captive for soooo long...It is what drives them to hate, and be selfish, and uncaring, and jealous, and on and on and on...that I am no longer having to contend with...I still love them as human beings...but i no longer have to put up with the bs....
My DH no longer has the power over me to try and false guilt me into thinking they are somehow my responsibility...What kind of person would keep subjecting themselves to that kind of emotional and mental abuse? and what kind of person would expect them to?...a very selfish one ...
I know we all want to please our spouse's..but...Really? All you do when you go to functions and give them the opportunity to reject you all over again is enable them to hold on to their false pride...and you allow them to speak into your identity (which is a BIG mistake)...something less than who your Creator says you are...You need to protect your individualism or you could easily let them rob you of who you really are..(I know, I did that)...I gradually disappeared trying to "fix" their broken family..and it didn't work...
Just because their dysfunctional family got here first does not mean we measure the rest of life by that point in time in history...Your DH should have changed his attitude when he chose to marry someone else...He is still living in a life pattern that does not even acknowledge your marriage or your importance..which should be his top priority now...His commitment to you should be just that...a commitment to your marriage to be a sacred contract that you and him are married, and that takes precedence over every other relationship...leave and cleave...that no man can come between (yes, not even pre existing conditions such as children from another marriage)....His actions and attitudes need to get in alignment with the choices he has made...He needs to learn the definition of marriage..
If he wasn't going to become one with you...why did he get married again?
and if he was one with you, He would be considering the way his selfish children treat his wife and take her feelings into consideration..The painful question I had to ask myself was...Why do I allow people like that into my personal space? Why do I give them such power over me? Why do I allow my DH to expect me to go back into the ring to just come out battered and bruised again? Why don't I respect myself? Why do I allow him to put me on false quilt trips? Why does my ss opinion of me carry so much weight in my life...Once, you can soul search and have the answers revealed to you...you will begin the process of being set free from this awful life pattern that you are stuck in...You can't wait for your DH to change or your skids because they may never figure it out...but your freedom shouldn't depend on whether they do or not...This...my friend.... is about your personal journey...
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Jeeze I hate ladies maternal
Jeeze I hate ladies maternal instincts that cause this sort of situation.
To say you've been a doormat is being very polite. Yet you feel guilty while they don't feel one iota of remorse. Of course they've justified it in their minds by repeating whatever poison their mother put in their heads.
For heavens sake put these kids out of your life forever. You'd never put up with this from another adult. Block your phone, social sites like Facebook and never never attend a function where they will attend and never allow them in your home I don't care how big a row that rule causes.
If your are wrong, I am too.
If your are wrong, I am too. Been there, done that. Banned SD from my home 3 1/2 years ago and have never been sorry. My DH can visit her any time he wants except day of holidays, our anniversary, birthdays. You don't have to talk about them to your DH. The longer they stay away, the better it gets.
Do not let these ADULTS take
Do not let these ADULTS take up any more mental real estate. Relating to your skids is taking away from your bio kids and DH. Not only could your skids literally take time off your life due to health issues, but people like this occupy your thoughts and therefore the quality of finite time you have left with the people you love and who love you back.
If you have not read "Stepmonster..." by Wednesday Martin, I can't recommend it enough. It will help explain the motives behind these problems as well as teach you how to disengage (back off from skids).
Here's the link to the book on amazon.uk ... http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/06187...
Wreaths and death threats to
Wreaths and death threats to your work?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a very forgiving person. I don't think you should even smile and nod when they're mentioned. In my view you should have a heart to heart with your DH where you set out that you feel these people have abused you and that now you have reached the end of the line and no longer wish for any relationship with them. OCC has a good article on disengaging, this I feel you should read too. Let your DH know that you absolutely support his wish to keep caring for them and relating to them as a father, but that this must go on separately from anywhere you live and furthermore you don't want to hear any more information about them. He can't expect anything more of you after the stuff they've put you through.
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your supporting comments...its nice to know other people do understand what it's like.
We never fight and argue and don't often have words but the skids always cause one. My husband does not and will not talk about them and the situation...so I can't even tell him of my decision or talk about this without subjecting myself to a fight and then the silent treatment for days.
SD has summoned him this weekend again and because I said no to them coming to our home any arrangements they make will not be disclosed till he walks out of the door.
She wants fortnightly access to like she had as a child...but she didn't want it then.
Wish it would all just go away, the couple of years they gave us the silent treatment was wonderful even though I feel bad admitting it.
Wholeheartedly agree with
Wholeheartedly agree with Cat.
Oh goodness guys why am I
Oh goodness guys why am I finding this so difficult? I know it's what I want but my Hubby is making it so hard. He is a fantastic Dad and Grandad to my kids and he keeps trying to show me pictures and videos of SD baby (sad but I feel nothing for her, like looking at a strangers kid). I feel sooo mean to him...
but also know if I allow things to start again it will open the floodgates to more of the same abuse etc and she made her feelings about me and mine more than clear from the start. Wish I could act without conscience.
Catlettuce it seems you know
Catlettuce it seems you know exactly what I am going through but you are further down the line. I will get to grips with it, its just so hard when my Hubby is so persuasive. Trouble is when you are involved you get the blame for everything and I can't go backwards now!
Submitted by peacemaker on
Submitted by peacemaker on Sun, 07/20/2014 - 11:21am.
After living in the never ending abyss of attention deficits, needless drama, false accusations, unjustified entitlement issues, love bankrupted, "merry -go round- to- nowhere" filled with unresolved issues due a plethora of personality disorders you name it ....busy at work wreaking havoc on my family for 26 year of my life I have learned...
The broken first marriage, and all the delusions that were created from that experience have been established in the minds of their family ...which mutate into life patterns that whether healthy or not...have been accepted by them as their " normal" ...and many of these life patterns are anything but normal....
Broken dreams, broken lives, broken vows made to each other...broken people...a culture of brokeness that only God himself has the capability of healing all the damage that not only has been done by the time we arrive...but continues on a repetitive course until someone steps in and says enough is enough...
Even with that, only the willing players will step up tp the challenge to escape the lies and delusions they have been brainwashed to believe as their truth...Core beliefs and your identity are the 2 main things that you base almost every decision you make in life on...
If these relationships could be compared to a movie...It is like we showed up in the final scene of the "Titanic" with a bucket to try and save the already sinking ship from its destiny...not realizing the ship was sure to sink and all its occupants are scrambling to lay hold of the lifeboats (which represents their own personal resources) that, but the way, are in short supply...
and we stand there with our bucket never knowing what we were up against to begin with...
When we finally realize what is going on...we find ourselves scrambling for our own lifeboat...called disengagement...because at this point...other than a miraculous intervention occurring...we come to understand the only one we are capable of saving, at this point... is ourselves..
A few brave souls will survive...many will be scarred from all the trauma incurred throughout the experience...and for some of us...the fortunate few...we will not only survive...but, we will take what we can from our experience and thrive as we part the wreckage realizing what tragedy we have diverted...
Although I have remain married to my DH...I have learned...
to live life with a new passion...appreciating the gift that it is...making the most of every day to celebrate not only our survival, but the new opportunities to become everything we we're created to be while we are still here..
You have to protect you individual personhood...Otherwise they will consume every part of you until you no longer exist....
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I'm amazed at the
I'm amazed at the irony!....
you know how anxious I have been about this weekend, well it seems my DH has been calling SD at work ...saying he is working this weekend and not able to see her and SGD. When I commented to him it was unusual for him to lie to her he said he is getting fed up with the two weekly summoning and will just pop in for an hour on his way home in the week.
It seems if I'm not involved and making it all nice and comfortable for them all here in our home even he can't be bothered.
Makes me laugh cause if I asked him not to go he would make a real song and dance.
SD wrote a text to her father
SD wrote a text to her father slating me...of course he showed me and after being disengaged for a couple of months I foolishly confronted her and received this**
You are right I did say that I wasn't bothered about you in my original msg to my dad but then we visited your house a couple of times and I thought we got on well?!
My sister asked if you wanted to be known as nanna and you said yes so I thought it was all good and we would have a fresh start!
All I care about is my child having a relationship with her grandad and a nanny if you want to be involved?
You are a part of our lives only as you have been married to dad for 20 years.
If you don't then that is fine also I will stop asking my dad if we can come to you and carry on with our contact with him as we have been. **
Put up and shut up basically.
No feelings and no remorse, she wades through life I want I want and has no regard for the hurt she causes on the way.
I feel so angry with DH because he said almost the same they make me feel so worthless, after all the crap we have lived through she comes out squeaky clean and still calling the shots.
^^^Agree!^^^ Also tell him
^^^Agree!^^^ Also tell him you no longer want to see their messages to you through him. Believe me - it gets better as time goes on.